[rebeccahstrean]

And he only wants affection when we make love. How do I stop my emotions? He told me last night that I say 'I love you' too much and that it means nothing anymore. And then he said that I'm to affections and to emotional for him. How do I turn off my emotions or make it to where I'm not affectionate or emotional? I don't want to lose him but I can't help the way I am. Can anyone give me any pointers? He's a really great guy. I just don't know what to do. And this all happened last night so I don't know if he's thinking about leaving me or what. And another thing is that when he's upset he doesn't talk to me and I don't think that's healthy. But if I think something is important to me about our relationship he doesn't want to hear it cause its not important to him. Is this ever going to work out? Should I just let him go? Please answer all my questions for me. I'd really need help. I love him soooo much but I don't know if this is going to work out. I don't know what he's thinking. Thx. Rebecca

[Eileen G]

You can't stop your emotions, and while I don't think you need to show all of them all the time, you shouldn't have to conceal them. But if you are always saying "I love you", there might be something else going on. I assume you love your parents, but how often do you tell them? Is it possible you are so delighted to have a great guy that you are going a bit overboard?

It's a bit of a guy/girl thing. Girls like to talk through problems, and discuss all the details, while guys don't like to talk, and would rather just present you with a solution to your problem. The good news is that guys generally don't play games, so if he's getting fed up, he'll tell you.

The important thing to remember here is that he may be a great guy, but he's still a person. Don't treat him in a way that would be ludicrous if he were a girl, or a member of your family.

[rebeccahstrean]

I tell my dad that I love him 3 times while on the phone with him for the whole 5 minutes were talking. Yes it is possible but I don't want to lose him and I want to heart that he loves me. I didn't understand the last sentence...

[excon]

Hello r:

I'm pretty vocal too. I thought everybody was. Do you know that there are SOME parents who have NEVER told their children that they love them?? When my best friend told me that NEITHER of his parents EVER told him that, or hugged him either, I immediately knew WHY he was SOOOO screwed up.

excon

[Eileen G]

If you tell everyone you love them, than that's just you, and he'll have to get used to it. Tell him that's what you do, and don't pressure him to say it to you in return. A lot of people are uncomfortable discussing emotions easily, it's a big deal for them.

I meant that sometimes, you can get a great boyfriend, and start treating him like someone who is perfect. It can be a nasty shock when you realise that he's just human, like everyone else.

[Cat1864]

Rebecca, I read your profile and it brought up a couple of questions:

How old are you? You mention that he is 32, but you don't give your age. If there is a big age difference, it can affect how each of you view sharing emotions.

I also noted that you lost your mother in June under very bad circumstances (Please accept my condolences). Has that loss caused you to be more emotional than you were before? I quite well understand the need to tell someone how much you care about him/her when there is a fear (possibly subconscious) that the person may, through no fault of his/her own, disappear from your life.

How long have you been together? Did he go through your mother's death with you? He may not understand the affect that grieving can have on a person. While you are probably afraid of losing another person, it is coming across to him as you being clingy and demanding.

If you aren't already, I think you need to look into grief counseling. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with you. I am saying that I think you need support from outside the relationship and family to deal with the tragedy.

I am concerned that he doesn't want to listen if you try to talk to him about your concerns. It says that either he has heard the same thing a lot or he is shutting you out. Not everyone is open about what they feel, however, they should be open to listening to what the other person is trying to communicate. Communications is a very big part of a healthy relationship. You should be able to tell him what concerns you. If you can't about this, then you won't be able to communicate well when other issues occur.

[rebeccahstrean]

I'm 21.Yes its been causing me to be more emotional.Almost 6 month the 26th of this month.He was there for me in the beginning but that's it.I feel deeply like he's shutting me out and I don't like it.

[answerme_tender]

Rececca

you either accept that he is not going to be a individual that shows nor wants vocal expressions of emotions. The worse thing you can do is thing that you are going to change him!! At his age your NOT going too. Only person you have a chance of changing is YOURSELF.
So what are you willing to settle for?

[talaniman]

You can make adjustments to your behavior, but you can't, nor should, change who you are for anyone. You can be honest, and talk to your partner, and get insights into his thinking, but he may never change who he is, nor should he.

If he cannot accept you for who you, are and meet your needs, then maybe this thing isn't as strong as it needs to be, or as strong as you think it is.

I worry that you need him more than he needs you, because of the loss you have recently had. But if he is not there for you, then you have a tough decision to make.

[pandead]

When you're surrounded with people who love you and let you know that a lot, you get used to saying (and hearing) it. It comes naturally and yet it means something.

My mom says "I love you" all the time and calls my dad "my love" or "baby" on the phone. I think she says it "too much" sometimes, I almost never hear my dad saying it. They've been married for 32 years and been through a lot together. It's just the way she is and my dad is fine with it, just as she is fine with him not saying it as much because he's been there for her whenever she needed it. It's the balance of relationships.

Moral of the story : I don't think there's such thing as "saying I love you too much" there's only those who know how to mean and handle it, and others who don't - some people aren't "vocal" about it and it's OK, but they show it with little things, like being there for you. If he fails on that one -and I agree with tal here - you might have a bigger problem.

[rebeccahstrean]

And yes I know that. I know that this is over... But I'm still going to try to make this work. I need to just wait it out. Were supposed to be moving into a house together and stuff. So I don't know... I don't want to lose him... I do need him...

So Every since that day that I had posted this... I haven't been affectionate... and I haven't told him I loved him. I let him say and do it first and then I stop it. To me it feels weird... like if were just friends or roomates... not boyfriend and girl friend. I don't want it to be this way but I don't want to lose him So I have changed myself... I kind of don't like it but Oh well. The thing of it is is that I always have to change in this relationship. Doesn't a relationship go 50/50? I thought it did. I just want him to change a little bit and stuff. I want him to put some effort in this also. Not just buiy me things. You can't buy me love. I hate it when he buys me things but I think he thinks it's the only way we can spend timetogether. Idont want it to be like that! But yeah I don't know... I guess I will just have to deal with this. And I'm going to close in on my feelings and not talkj to him about how I'm feeling and yeah. I don't have any friends and I stopped going to church. I'm just going to just do what makes him happy and that's it so I don't lose him. And when he's at work I will do all my grieving so he doesn't have to hear aob ut it or see it. So it can't bother him. I'm going to just bottle it up insi9de like I did when she first died. Thnks everyone for your help! I found out what I'm going to do and I'm going to stick through it:) thanks again:):) Becca

[88sunflower]

Girl you need to wake up and smell the coffee. You don't need him or any man and your not going to just deal with it.

Why would you settle for less then what you deserve? Do you think after such a loss you deserve to be shut out when you need more support then ever? Why would you want a man in your life that can't emotionally be there for you? Wouldn't it be nice to come home and talk about your mom or life and have a shoulder to cry on or some ears to listen? A hug to take your pain away?

Your young, your hurting and you sound lonely. Cat was right about counseling. That's a step in the right direction. You must do this for yourself. This man your giving your life up for does not sound worth your time. I am sure your beautiful and can move on any time.

Imagine life with him if you had children? Or another loss?

We are here for you. There are ears here every second of the day. Please get the support you need to help with your pain. Your only going to hurt longer being with him and the way he treats you.

[rebeccahstrean]

But I don't have a job and I don't have anywhere else to go. I never get into relationships cause I don't like to get hurt. And I know that if I break up with him Im going to hurt myself even more and I don't want to hurt more Im already hurting

[Cat1864]

Seek counseling.

Don't give up church if it helps you feel better. Many churches offer grief counseling and have support groups for people who need help after the loss of a loved one. Sharing your grief with others can help you work through it.

As I said before, you need support from outside the relationship.

You need to get proactive by going out and finding things that help you feel better instead of attempting to become someone you aren't. Living your life and finding happiness is good. It helps you become a stronger person.

You are apparently relying on him for all of your emotional and physical support that is hard on any relationship. You should not feel like he should fill the void left by your mother.

A relationship isn't always 50/50, but it definitely isn't one person bending over backward trying to keep the other person happy.

If you can't sit down and discuss the problems and issues with him, then you need to think about getting out of the relationship and allowing yourself to heal before you find another partner.

Trying to change yourself to fit someone else's' Ideal, hurts everyone involved especially you. Stay true to who you are.

[talaniman]

I don't get it! What's stopping you from having a happy life when he is at work? Why are you dependent on him when you can work, and do your thing? What is all this self pity crap, like you are sacrificing your happiness for his?

What a recipe for disaster your make him happy plan is!! He doesn't need you to be happy, just to share it with him. How is that 50/50? And my wife is a great room mate, that's the way it is sometimes, enjoy it.

I just don't get it?! You better see a doctor for your depression, don't you think??

[rebeccahstrean]

I'm a very independent person but since I met him and my mom died I'm not emotionally and mentally strong anymore.

[rebeccahstrean]

I'm trying to find a job, but its hard. I don't want to see a doctor for my depression... my mom did that and they put her on 7 different types of anti depressant pills.. and look what happened to her... it made her more sucidal

[Eileen G]

Get counselling. It can be as effective as medication, and just takes time and commitment. But don't stay depressed. Once you get over the hump, you'll find your strength and motivation again.

[rebeccahstrean]

OK I will thanks

[peaches87]

:D:eek::eek sounds like he just wants sex not to make love you can't ever say I love you too much my hubby and I are going on 5 years strong we are very close and say ilove you all the time if that's how you feel you need to say it don't hold anything in be it good or bad he needs to man up and help you with the way you feel hash it out if he don't like it tell him to hit the road YOU can't SAY I LOVE YOU Too much !:):

and he only wants affection when we make love. How do I stop my emotions? He told me last night that I say 'I love you' to much and that it means nothing anymore. And then he said that I'm to affections and to emotional for him. How do I turn off my emotions or make it to where I'm not affectionate or emotional? I don't want to lose him but I can't help the way I am. Can anyone give me any pointers? He's a really great guy. I just don't know what to do. And this all happened last night so I don't know if he's thinking about leaving me or what. And another thing is that when he's upset he doesnt talk to me and I don't think thats healthy. But if I think something is important to me about our relationship he doesn't want to hear it cause its not important to him. Is this ever going to work out? Should I jsut let him go? please answer all my questions for me. I'd really need help. I love him soooo much but I don't know if this is going to work out. I don't know what he's thinking. Thx. Rebecca