[bertie100]

I really don't like him. Below is a letter I written to send to my father, but, I have not got the courage.

Further to your last phone call I think it's time I did some explaining, firstly I was offended and upset by your call, why because you were shouting at me again.

You stated you had the drive done along with some work on the garage and “you should come and see it, it's like driving into Woburn Abbey” why would it benefit me seeing it? (single handed I have completed a number of projects, but have never phoned anyone and said “you should see it”) Should have been done a long time ago, it's been a mess for as long as I can remember, but just out of interest did you get those old gate posts removed. The last time I saw you, you done all the talking (it was like I'll do all the talking ((shut up June)) lets talk about me) so, off you went “Can remember going for that job at MASS MOULD” I wrote your CV for that job as a result I found out the only qualification you have ever had is a driving licence. Then you went off on one moaning about a breakfast you had while staying in a hotel (are you only happy when your moaning or are you happier when you are shouting?) I would say sorry, but I won't, what have I got to be sorry about. A mate of mine (Brian Scott) we were on our bikes cycling past your house, you were out side clipping that horrible hedge Brian was swearing his head off he always did you heard him when I got home you had a right go at me! Why you tell me. While at school I was never bullied Norman Moore was always a threat, but I had friends we took care of each other, apart from a big boy at School (couple of years older than me) I never got bullied, but you made up for that. When I was a boy/teenager you made my life a misery looking back I think you enjoyed it I can remember returning from my paper round each evening parking my bike walking in the house and wondering if you would have a go at me without question you would pick on me, so what would be next I will always remember we would sit to evening tea together (something I never got) my place was always set opposite you and as I remember you would always pick on me.

I do have some early memories I remember going out with you in that “J” type I am sure it was before Geoff was born I would have been 3 at the time can't remember exactly where we went, it was around that time that you brought me a remote controlled car but, I could not work it so, you took it back to the shop ( I loved that car) I do remember you parking up road side in Kimpton Road, as you were getting out you said “I am just going over there won't be long”, so you left a 3 year old alone, some years latter when I used to get out and about on my bike I realised where you had been to the Vauxhall club house.

Think I will go on because over the years you have really annoyed/upset me I would have been 11 years old when you won that Ford Anglia your previous car would have been the “F” type victor. Can remember you returning home late one evening in a foul mood (what's new) your car had run out of petrol while you had your tea I was sent off to Nichols garage for a gallon of petrol (10 yrs old would not be allowed nowadays) I dully returned with the fuel we then set off you ridding my bike while I rode Geoff's (which did not fit me) eventually we arrived at your car topped it up, you then placed Geoff's bike in the back of the car turned to me and said see you at home I was 10 years old and you just left me. It must have been around the same time the Police man Sgt Panther turned up I was accused of trying to start fires in Osbourns field you never sat down and talked to me you just gave me a right ticking off I was not guilty of that I had been mislead, but would it have been worth my while trying to explain to you someone who just does not listen something I have only recently learnt about you, you don't talk to anyone you talk at them.

Do you remember the time you came home one Sunday afternoon had your dinner then went upstairs stripped all the clothing from the wardrobe dragged it into the back garden/tip and cut it in half you then dragged the severed half back upstairs and said there you are a desk, I never did get a seat (think that was an occasion when you had had 2 pints and a sniff of the barmaids apron). Nothing new.

There was also the time when your Singer Gazelle went through the fence and bent the bumper I took the blame for that, but it weren't me I still won't tell you who it was, but you always left yourself wide open you would always leave the keys out.

Sure there must have been loads of other things, the one thing that has always bugged me is why we had to lay in bed listening to you and Mum yelling at each other that was not pleasant, we spoke of this some year's ago I can remember you said “I apologise for that” bit late now!


I remember climbing out of the attic one time you said “what are doing up there” I replied “looking for my Meccano” you said “well you won't find it I gave it away, well you wasn't using it” and there was me thinking it was mine.
I think in chronological order that's about as far as I can get, apart from you always having a go at me through my teenage years, something I do remember (for what it may be worth) I came down the stairs in your freezing cold house sneezing my head off one morning and all you could say was “there's something wrong with you boy”! I also remember you telling me I was illiterate now I think that's like calling POT KETTLE BLACK.


The promises you made and never kept:- I went off one evening to see Ron Clarke (R Clarke Electrical) for my first interview you never gave me any advice or help it was a horrible night you never offered a lift I had to leg it. I met with Ron looking like I had been dragged though a hedge backwards, but he was a forgiving man (unlike you)
During the interview he asked me “what do you know about ohms law”? I replied “it's a measurement of resistance, sir” he said “well done, do you know how to work it out” I replied “no sorry” he said “ I often wonder if they teach anything at that school”. He went on to tell me the sort of business he was in and what sort of work I would be required to do. I returned home you and mum asked me how I had got on as I left Ron he had said he would let me know the following day via the headmaster. I can remember mum saying I will get your jeans and boots ( I hated those boots I gave them away) you said yeah and I will get your tool kit started I got zip all from you not even a small screw driver.

The car you brought with my money, Grandma & Granddad gave me £100 you went and spent it for me my first car HA Viva what a mess that car was within 3 months the engine packed up! We tugged out the motor and began to put it back together I can remember returning home one evening I looked in disbelief you had thrown new shell bearings into the old oil, it was at that point I decided I have to do this job myself I took a day off work completed the job on my own.
Then there was the time you went off and spent Geoff's money on yet another Viva I can remember you coming home after going to visit that car, you went on and on about how nice the bloke was how he had no kids, but lived with his wife and worked at the Vauxhall. A few days latter we went off to collect the car (my job was to drive it home) I took a look under the bonnet by torch light I did not like what I saw nor did I like the sound of the engine I suggested we should leave it ( not a good buy) you said just get in and drive it home which I did, within 2 weeks the clutch cable broke, then within a month the engine gave up (do you remember?)

I can also remember getting home from work one evening (as a very young apprentice) finding mum with a very black eye broken glasses along with a badly bruised lip and teeth missing, I said “what happened to you” she said “I fell over” I knew there and then that was not the truth, the next day I was reluctant to get out of bed you came storming in shouted at me “will you get up” don't remember my reply, but you then shouted again “hope you don't think I am proud of what I did to your mum” I think I said “I hope not”

So, lets move on It is 30yrs ago when I left home, I used to have a part time job at the Chequers (pub) for 5yrs I always worked Weds evening Sunday lunch and the occasional Fri & Sat, that dwindled to Sunday Lunch only. Sunday lunch at home as you may remember was always on the table at 1.30 on the dot. Well anyway I had given up my job at the pub by now about a week on one of the following Sundays I went off early on the Sunday morning to play my first game of golf I arrived back home around 1.15 I was in the back garden cleaning the clubs (pit you been there nearly 50yrs and still have no back garden) when Mum shouted me through the kitchen window diner in 5 minuets I replied put it under the grill I am off out (remember when working at the pub on Sunday I was lucky if I got home by 3) so, my so called diner was always under the grill. Off I went I was standing by the door (talking to John Taylor someone you did not like John died later that same year) in the pub when someone grabbed my neck shook me and said “you've upset your mother” I turned and walked out you then started punching and poking me trying to provoke me into a fight I got into my car you stood in front on it saying come on run me over then I shouted lets sort this at home ( by this time most of the pub had gathered outside you need to remember I used to work there so just about every one knew me).

Still to this day I don't know what I did to deserve that, but it did not get any better when I arrived home you continued shouting at me trying to provoke me into a fight I wish I had taken the opportunity physically you have been no match for me since I was about 14 emotionally on that occasion you backed me into a corner, remember you wanted me to hit you in front of my siblings and mother.

Sorry, but it does go on about 3 years ago we had been out at my expense as usual trying to get your replacement boiler we stopped off at chequers I remember at one point you went off to the bathroom just prior you had been saying terrible things to me as usual, you said as a child I was like a letch and you cold not go out on your own you also went on that mum had difficult time giving birth to me, but the way you were telling it, it was as if it was my fault. It occurred to me at that time that I should just drive off and leave you to make your own way home wish I had done.

While fitting the boiler you really annoyed me you followed me round like puppy, continually got in my way you shouted at me several times when you was not shouting at me you and mum were shouting at each other. That will be the last time I do any work in your home below I have listed all the things you have had gratis from me.

House……

Garage door & frame all at my cost
Garage electrics & feed all at my cost
Fit new window frame to kitchen and bathroom
Repair second-hand cooker
Wall light to front room all at my cost
Additional double socket to front room & TV point all at my cost
Additional socket to my old bedroom all at my cost
Clock point in kitchen all at my cost additional power socket at my cost
Outside light & fan to bathroom all at my cost
Fluorescent light to kitchen supplied and fitted at no cost
Light in airing cupboard all at my cost
Fit banister rail
Aerial re-placed at my cost (£120)
Fuse board replaced at my cost (£200)
New power circuit to kitchen including fittings (outlets etc) at my cost (£150)
Re-fit kitchen & tile make good re-plaster (put up with you shouting at me (7 days work)) Re-install old sink.
Install plumbing for automatic washing machine
Re-fit taps to bath no cost
Change emersion heater (twice) no charge
Find supplier for (coal boiler) install coal boiler (hardest job I have ever done not that the job was difficult, but heavy work for me, however the hardest bit was putting up with you and mum shouting at each other then you shouted at me I should have walked away, but your favourite pass time is shouting) My cost making good materials £30 Flue £50 paid to Pete for helping £20 mother gave me £110 leaving me £20 my fuel cost on the amount of visits I made must have had exceeded £200, remember you said when we were in the Chequers discussing what we should do you said you wanted me to do the job and would pay me at the going rate.

Cars………….
Lost count of how many of how many cars I have serviced for you, but I do remember laying under one of your crappie cars in the snow all I could think at the time was this would not happen to me as I am with the RAC, you remember? Took out the starter motor took it back to your kitchen repaired it then took it all the way back to the broken down vehicle and replaced it, it worked. Re~sprayed your van & backend of the white Cavalier. Then there was the time was the time you came over to where I was living in Silsoe you said “I want you to look at a car” I did not want to go, but off we went I said “ leave it” but you brought the heap it broke down when we went to cornwall. Remember that radio CD in your car is mine. Cost me £300 when new unlike you I look for quality, not the price tag.

Slagging someone off, when I pulled that old boiler out we went to the PUB the first thing you said was “do you think Brian done a good job” I replied “wot bit do you think he got wrong” you said “I just don't think he done a good job” but you could not say why. I think mother could have had something to do with the demise of that boiler having seen her poking it with a vengeance.

You also once said to me after I said “I get the impression you don't like me” you replied “like you, I despised you the first time I saw you”. That hurts me to this day. What a nasty thing to say!

A couple of years ago you lied to me, then when questioned you said it was your privilege, you also tell stories about yourself that actually happened to someone else, but you make people believe that it happened to you, you tell a story about moving an automatic car in a car park think you need to remember I was there when Brian Cute told you that storey I have heard you tell it loads of times. Then there's the one you told me one time in Duxford about you being on a plane which caught fire, sorry, but I just don't believe a word you say.

You will notice I have not addressed this or signed it, but you should be able to work out who sent it.

In conclusion I think you find it difficult to open your mouth without moaning or slagging someone off either that or your shouting.


I will go on and write a book it will be called “WHY DIDN'T HE LIKE ME”

[tickle]

Hi, bertie, I didn't get through it all, but hope it gave you some satisfaction and got something of your chest by posting it here.

I don't know what your question is, other then, should you send it. Yes I guess you should if you feel that strongly.

Your dad and you have a lot of issues, sounds like because he has some kind of mental problem, in which case, nothing will be resolved at this late date and seeing as you have grown up and probably already distanced yourself from him, nothing you say or do at this point will make any difference at all.

However, if you want to discuss this problem, feel free to vent, we are here just for that purpose and willing to 'listen' give feedback and you can probably glean something it. What you need is closure to these issues.
Ms tick

[Jake2008]

Bertie, that was good therapy for you. Writing it all out puts the feelings out there, and hopefully dissipates some of the resentment and anger you have carreid toward your father. I would read it a few times, maybe add another chapter of events that have been simmering, then, I would burn it. When you burn it, burn too the hurt, anger, abandonment memories, and all the emotions that went along with each emotional blow. It is time to let it go, and time to stop your history from eating you up inside.

Realize that, that is really the only thing you can do. You will never correct any of the wrongs, done to you. You cannot change your fathers attitude, or likely ever see remorse or apologies. At least enough of same to make a difference. Nobody can negotiate away the truth of what you lived, because it is YOUR truth, and along with that, all the miserable things that happened to you. It sounds like he has mellowed a bit with age, but it does not make the past any easier to live with. What you have done with your words, is put the past, for the last time, on the table, and you are dealing with it. Now burn it.

The plus of all of this is, you sound like a very talented, insightful person, but I suspect that if you continuously re-live the past, you are thwarting yourself, and allowing the past, to guide your future. It is easy to be bitter and it is easy to blame the past on current problems resulting from the past. If you can let it go, and break the hold he has had on you, then you, and only you will influence your life now.

Even if you could have the satisfaction of an aopology, or acknowledgment of all the things you say, it would either be meaningless, or not sincere. Your father is not unlike any other human being who is either incapable, or unwilling to assum responsibility for their actions.

Try looking at him in another way. Try seeing his life, outside of your relatonship with him. Realize that he is now an older man, who was a lousy father, lousy husband and didn't make much of his life, for whatever reason. He may have masked many problems, including illiteracy, learning difficulties, a poor childhood himself. For all you know, how he treated you, could have been a hundred times better than his father treated him. What turned him into who he eventually became, probably involves far more of what you don't know, than what you do.

Be more aware, when you are with him, of old feelings re-surfacing. Be more aware of your mood changing, and more aware of when he starts to insult or disrespect you. Learn to see the signs, and simply leave. Come back another day, or several days, and learn how much time you can spend with him without starting to feel miserable. If it takes 10 visits to install a new window, or fix something, let it be 10 visits, instead of one long unpleasant visit. Control your own emotions, instead of allowing him to control them.

I hope that eventually you will see him, and accept him, for all the faults he has. Some people are just not cut out to be nice people, or good parents. There is no rule book to follow, and most of us run on too much emotion, and too little thought as to our actions, particularly with children.

It's good that you have let some of this out, it couldn't have been easy to re-live those moments in time. Those little snapshots of events are likely as clear as the day they happened. All the more reason to let them go. The only events of your life that matter now, are the ones you make.

[talaniman]

Nice vent, and since I don't know how old you are now, I hope you get the courage to burn the letter without sending it and seeing your dad for the frail, flawed person he is, and start building on your own life now. Learn from past events so they will not be repeated as you define your place in the real, and very difficult world ahead of you.

He is who he is, but what's more important is who you are.