[roany]

Hi,
I'm totally stuck. I've been seeing this guy on and off for about 3 years. He has a lot of him own insecurities as do I.
I'm also disabled and due to have major surgery in a week. Then another a few weeks later. I'm terrified of the surgery. My boyfriend keeps saying he wants to be there for me, but isn't there for me fully. Not the way a partner should be anyway.
A number of things he's done is book flights away around the time of my surgery, make plans to see other friends the weekend before it. Things like this. We had a major bust up about a month ago where he told me he didn't want to talk to me ever again, and I was the one who made the first move to sort it out. Every time we sort things out he's very understanding and listens and talks and empathises and reasurres me that he sees thing differently now, he can't believe how selfish he was etc and that he wants to be there for me and wants what's best for me. He keeps trying to "fix" the mistakes he makes, and shows me he's "learnt" from it.
I'm so unhappy with him. I don't know how to get out of it. I feel like I really need him there now, and especially whilst I'm in hospital, particularly because I'm terrified of this operation. I wish I could be strong enough to just leave the situation with him and go into surgery without him by my side. I have lots of family and friends around me. I just don't trust him anymore, I don't want to be with someone I don't trust and I'm so scared that he's going to let me down again, but I'm also so scared of letting myself down by pushing him away when he says he wants to be there...
Help?

[Devorameira]

Seems like you're answering all your own questions. As you say, you don't trust him anymore and don't want to be with someone you don't trust.

I'm sure you're afraid of surgery, but what if you stay with him and he still isn't there for you? You'll just be laying around all stressed out because he's only thinking of himself again.

It's tough getting over someone you love, but in my book it's harder and more stressful to stay with them.

You need to put yourself first!

Why not just break it off and just worry about yourself. It's really important that you put all your energy into getting healthy.

[DoulaLC]

Have a back-up person or two to be there with you. Let your family and friends fill in the gaps for support and empathy.

His way of "being there" for you is not what you are expecting, probably not what you would be doing if it were him facing surgery, and this is causing you to be disappointed and hurt, and wondering whether you will just continue to be disappointed.

He may have every intention of being at hospital with you when you go in for surgery and may see that as "being there" for you.

When you have talked in the past, have you told him exactly what you need for him to do? Be careful that you don't assume he should know just because it is what you think he should know to do. Sometimes you really have to spell it out.

If you have already done so, and he still doesn't get it, you may have to let him know that you are not feeling that you can count on him for what you need right now and take a break from the relationship. You said it has been off and on anyway, so now might be a good time for it to be "off" so that you can avoid the extra stress it causes you.

[roany]

Thank you this is really helpful. I spelt it out last night to him what I expected of him and we talked for a long time and he listened. I think I'm having trouble deciding what it is I want. :(

[answerme_tender]

Is this something you have to decide right now? You have a lot on your mind with your surgery coming up. Once you have recovered and are feeling healthier, maybe then you can give full attention to your relationship with him and make your choice and how to full through with it. Good luck with your surgery.

[roany]

Yeah, I think I'm going to hold off making any decisions at the moment. I'm off work at the moment and am virtually housebound because of the pain and have nothing I feel I can do so I spend much of the day ruminating over this. I'm quite low. :(

[answerme_tender]

Roany

If your housebound and feeling low, why not take the time and read some of the post on this site. Might also take time to answer some. It could help when you have to come to sometype of decision later.