[confused_soul]

We met in college and fell in love. After 2 years of being very happy together, we graduated. We found jobs but she moved to another city and found it very toug to deal with a new place and an unsupportive boss. Soon, in about 4-5 months, she went into depression and started acting very moody and mean.

In the meanwhile, I was having a tough time with my new job, with long hours but enjoying the work. She would call me constantly at all times and get very angry at me if I couldn't talk to her. She asked me often to choose between my job and her and I told her that wasn't a fair choice. I would visit her often, but things would get worse every time I would come back.

I helped her find a job in the same city where I was and she started to settle down and seemed happier. After a year's time she found the job to be annoying and the fact I got even busier even more annoying. She kept fihgintg with me and told me how I was a workaholic. She felt that I was moving up in my career while she was wasting her time. She quit her job and moved to Germany to pursue a PhD. I supported her and started looking for a job in Germany even though I didn't want to move there.

In 3 months time she again didn't like Germany and got a banking job in England and moved there. Once again, she started finding that she was still at a relatively junior role while I had by then started making serious progress and money.She constantly compared herself with others, and while she was actually doing extremely well (making upwards to $120K) she would keep brining herself down. I agreed to move to London and find a job there in a years' time.

During all of this, i.e. the total 5 years in this relationship, we've spent the last 3 dealing with her career + depression issues and in the last 1 year I told her that I couldn't do the "supporting boyfriend" thing anymore because it had just gotten too much and I never signed up for it. She was a beautiful confident woman when we starting going out and had turned into a moody, underconfident, and overweight (she took to food during all her problems) lady in 4 years

We again fought last week about her problems and I told her I won't move to London because I cannot give up a great career for a relationship which is on the brink. And I also told her that her weight issues really botherred me and she needs to lose the flab.

Am I an *** for saying this? I really get put off by the fact she has gained so much weight and is always cribbing about her life. What should I do?? I feel like I have invested 5 years and if I break up now it will be a waste. But I can't be in a relationship by a neurotic person. I feel that at 26 years of age, she should take far more care of herself...

Help!

[talaniman]

The weight gain seems to be the least of your worries, but it was a very rude thing to say regardless, but your really frustrated, and a break is all you need right now, as you both pursue career, and happiness without each other.

[KellyKlark]

Confused soul,

Long-term relationships are hard to be in, and hard to see succeed. In my opinion, for this to work you two need to start by being in the same city. She is depressed, and maybe she should go get help if you're not willing to help her anymore. I understand how a nagging girlfriend can get irritating, especially after a long day at work. However, she would not nag if she was happy... and it is evident that she isn't.

I don't know her side of the story, so it's hard to give any advice... but this relationship probably will not blossom until she starts being happy with herself. You cannot focus on a relationship if you're miserable inside. You can't do well at work, you can't really do anything unless your happy--and she is not. I don't know what occurred during the move to the city that made her depressed, but it doesn't seem like you do either. It appears that she doesn't feel you value her place in your life. Maybe she feels like you take her for granted? She definitely needs more attention from you, and if you're unable to give it to her, then let her find someone who can. Her consistently competing with you is not good for her depression. You can't be competitors in a relationship, you have to be a team. Again, if that's not possible, find someone who doesn't have a competitive nature.

All in all, I believe that she feels neglected by you. It's not your place to give her attention 100% of the time, but if you can't give her the attention she needs. Why continue? If she needs an extra phone call a day, then give it to her. If you can't, send her an email/text telling her how beautiful she is inside and out and how you want her to get better, and you're there for her. Tell her you love her, and you'll call her when you're out of work because you're busy. Send her a letter that says "I love you".

Talk to her at some point and say that you can support her, but you can not be the one to pull her out of the depression she's in... that's something she needs to do. But you can be that shoulder for her to lean on... and tell her that.

As for her physical appearance, I understand that you want your girl to look good. Once she starts to be happy again, she'll get back to being her confident, sexy self. This relationship, like all relationships, will require a lot of work. You need to start by taking baby steps... if you even think they're worth taking...

Let me know how it goes.

[beachloverjohn]

The two of you are spending more time hurting each other than helping. She has had issues with depression and insecurities for a long time, and you seemed like the rock of this relationship. I think the fact that she is overweight is just one more thing that you are fed up with. Why don't you stick to the other issues, and leave the physical concerns out of it. You have enough other problems with her to tell yourself it might be time to call it quits. She needs to work on herself before she can do anything for you, and I don't think you can help her by staying with her. It might seem like you wasted 5 years, but that's better than wasting your whole life, and that's would it would be if you stay in an unhealthy relationship.

[DoulaLC]

I agree... you can only do so much. You have been supportive as she has gone through some growing pains in deciding what she wants and what will make her happy. Apparently she is still searching for this.

You are wise not to let it bring you down any further. Offer her support, encouragement, let her know you are in her corner, and hope she can find it within herself to be content. You might even suggest she speak to a doctor there to discuss her feelings, but continue to move forward in your own life.

You don't have to cut her off unless you feel there is no going forward with the relationship. In time maybe she will get back to her old self and the two of you may decide to keep it going. At some point you may have to decide that it is time to part ways.

Relationships are never a waste when you learn from them. Sometimes they are only meant to run for a certain course however. You will have to decide whether this one has run its full course.