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johndoe89 · Oct 3, 2010, 02:16 PM

This is a long story. Don't feel like you have to read it unless you are willing to give genuine advice please!
So I started dating this girl 2 years ago in the summer. We really hit it off and summer ended meaning I would have to go to school (5 hours away from my hometown). We did the distance relationship pretty well because we were very good at communicating. She popped the love word a little early for my taste but I went with it (I wasn't faking it but I wasn't ready you know?) We continued our relationship through some very busy and important times (she took her nursing boards, I studied abroad for a short period, etc.) and the relationship seemed to be going endlessly up. One night in August a couple of her friends came to town from her freshman year of college. I had a miserable time (not a huge fan of the bar scene when I don't get to spend much time with my girlfriend). We only got to see each other a few times a week because she was working 2 jobs. We talked about that night the next day and it was bad. She said that she felt submissive, not like her self, and similar hurtful things. We basically dropped it after a large talk. I planned our second anniversary to go to Kansas City (every detail) and we went. She was miserable in KC and it was what I considered a perfect trip (other than the attitude). After we got back she said she needed time to think. So I naturally freaked and asked what about and she said the relationship. We talked 2 days after that. She said that she had this life plan- 5 years nursing, masters degree, teaching nursing then marriage. She also said that she absolutely had to move around to all these cities that she has never been ( she is from a small town so kind of wants to get the heck out of dodge). Then she said that she wants to do her missionary work in Africa and Central America and that on top of all this she wanted to have a vast social network. It didn't seem to add up to me but she said that it was all possible. She was working 60 hour work weeks at the time. Over the next couple of days we talked and it seemed as though she didn't care about the relationship as much as these other things and said she needed a break to figure out if she could ever put the relationship work. Great. So I broke down and cried while we set up rules for the break (no dating, have to pray, have to journal etc.) and left. Over the next few days all I did was mope. Nothing was right- food didn't taste, I couldn't get going in my workouts, my social life was shattered. I have sacrificed a lot of friendships for the relationship due to time constraints( about 2 hours a day on the phone, NCAA swim captain, biology major, etc.)Then I went and thought I could force her hand a bit because I thought that she was going through equal pain. We talked and I said I couldn't do a break and she held her ground- officially broken up. We talked a few times over the next two weeks. I moved up to school and one night we talked and I said again that I couldn't be in limbo anymore. The next night she said that she wanted to give it a shot. I felt relieved and somewhat at peace. Then she came up to visit and it was weird. She has visited twice more after that and one of the middle visit was awesome but this last one sucked. I have no desire to make her day anymore. I used to love waking up early to catch her before/after work. I used to love cooking for her and talking to her about her day. Now it is just fragmented stories about our days. Now I would rather go through my routines and save some time by not talking much. When I think about breaking up though I just don't know how I could look her in the eye and tell her that I don't love her or that it is just not going to work out. We know each other well enough that she knows what I am thinking about. She knows that the relationship is on the line and that I am acting funny. What should I do? I don't want to hurt her or keep her in limbo but I don't know if I will ever feel the same about her/us. What do you guys think I should do?

talaniman · Oct 3, 2010, 07:27 PM

Be honest, and let her go. You should have bowed out gracefully when she first broke it off. I wouldn't be surprised if she took you back to let you get closure, and see for yourself that this thing was over a while ago.

Sorry guy it's a tough loss, but she was right from the beginning, you both have other things to do.

johndoe89 · Oct 3, 2010, 07:54 PM

Thank you for your honesty. It is difficult because I really don't want to have her be the one that got away. It feels like the ball is in my court. That first weekend that she came up she basically reversed everything that she had said in the big talk and said that the relationship was worth more than any of those other things. I am not sure how genuine her comments were though. Does this change anything? Would we be able to get back together in the future if we ended up in the same place etc.

kaka67 · Oct 3, 2010, 08:03 PM

No one knows what will happen in the future. Neither do you.

What makes her and you think that its OK for her to put you through what she did and then when its OK for her she can come back?

When I'm with someone I know I want to be with them. I generally don't have to 'think' about it. Think very carefully if this is the type of person you want to be with.

talaniman · Oct 4, 2010, 05:41 AM

Things very seldom go back to the way they were, no matter how much we want them to. You have seen for yourself that after the break up, you were consumed with getting her back, and now that she is back, you are having all kinds of doubts. Then when we tell you to leave her alone and let her go, you are having second thoughts.

I think you take the time to sort the fear from the facts by sitting her down, and talking very honestly about your feelings, hers, and what you both need to move forward. If that doesn't happen you just drag you both through the doubts and fears without a chance for either of you to make adjustments through honest communications, and work together.

If you can't work together to resolve your issues, what's the point?

kctiger · Oct 4, 2010, 06:38 AM

First of all, what kind of girl doesn't have fun in KC? ;)

In all seriousness, I think this relationship has run it's course. You both are devoting efforts to wasted time and clearly it is doing more harm than anything. While you both know at heart this is not working, you are both afraid to hurt one another and let go of something so comfortable.

It's time for you both to walk away and bow out of this with heads held high. Although it didn't work out, it doesn't mean it was never worth it. Tough break, but it's life. The stress and strain of trying to make something work that isn't meant to be gets overwhelming and neither of you need that, nor do you deserve it.

Perhaps a talk, like Tal said, will clear some of this up. I'm not sure there is anything left and things will never be normal again. You both have different priorities and different dreams in life. For right now, I don't see how a relationship can coexist. End it gracefully, like a gentlemen, on good terms and be happy that you tried your best.

johndoe89 · Oct 9, 2010, 07:06 AM

Thank you everyone who posted. I journaled and really thought about what I want out of this year/the near future this last week. I sat my girlfriend down and talked everything through and ended it. I know that it was the right decision because I don't feel bad (other than the guilt of knowing I hurt her). Time to get my life in order!