[jodilynn22]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years. We have had our ups and downs but for the most part we have a good relationship. About 3 weeks ago we had a fight, nothing major, just an argument. I still don't know why I did this, but I decided to look into the settings on my computer and see what it is that my boyfriend does online, since he spends quite a lot of time on the computer when I am home and I imagine even more time when I am at work or with my friends. Now just to clarify, I have never suspected my boyfriend of cheating on me, EVER.

So I go into the settings and there is the usual Facebook, Kijiji, Google, and then I see multiple porn sites. And then I see the gay porn sites. There was also links to suggest he is messaging people and IM-ing as well, and possible video chat too. So I call my boyfriend into the computer room. I tell him "You know that my mom found out her fiancee was cheating on her from computer logs right?" He says "yeah ok, what are you getting at?"
Me: "If you are cheating on me I need to know, just tell me now"
Him: "I'm not cheating on you, I love you so much"
This goes back and forth for a few minutes, and then he confesses that he is addicted to porn. Now I'm not upset at this, I am glad he is at least being honest with me.

So for the last 3 weeks, I have been checking the computer logs and I can tell that he has cut back on the regular porn sites but is still logging into the gay porn sites and still messaging people/chatting. I know, I know, I should be more trusting blah blah blah but what can I say, I'm not. After what my mother went through when she found out her fiancée was cheating on her, I don't want the same thing happening to me.

It gets even better. I decided to create an account on one of these gay porn sites and see what was going on once and for all. When I entered the city, age range, body type, there was a profile I am 98% sure was my boyfriends. And under sexual preference it says "bi" and his headline reads something to the effect of "wanting to give blowjobs". Also it says safe sex "optional" (rather than just yes or no). What the hell?!

I am so confused. I feel like I must be attracted to closet bisexual men since my previous boyfriend had also experimented with a man. I am not homophobic or anything like that, I have multiple friends and relatives that are gay. I just don't know what to do next. I have been telling my boyfriend for the last 3 weeks "you know honey you can tell me anything right?" hoping that he will talk to me about it. Where am I supposed to go from here?

[Cat1864]

Where am I supposed to go from here?

Stop snooping and trying to 'catch' him. It is only adding to your confusion.

Talk with him. Be as open and honest with him as you want him to be to you. Only he can tell you what the meaning of the 'evidence' you found is. It maybe fantasy. However, be very clear that contacting other people even if he does nothing with them is crossing a major boundary line between fantasy and reality. He may not be thinking that talking but not acting can still be considered cheating.

Think about ways to compromise. I do not mean letting him see other people outside the relationship. I do mean playing the fantasy with him IF you are comfortable. (IF your suspicion is correct about the one profile, you may already be playing into his fantasy world.)

I know it is difficult to not allow your mother's relationship to intrude on your own. However, try not to let her problems become your own. Deal with the real issues in your relationship instead of chasing illusions of problems.

Good luck talking with him and getting everything out in the open.