[johnmarine]

I am metting my daughter for the first time,and she is fifthteen years old. First of all I'm not a deadbeat dad. I was in the Marine Corps. and her mother and I had a relationship. She was in the military as well and when she got out,I went to Okinawa Japan. I knew she was pregnant and she and I lost contact with each other. I only held my daughter only once and she moved four states over from me. I got a Facebook account last week and her mom was there and asked to befriend me.Next thing she said my daughter wanted to meet me and talk. I spoke with her and she melted my heart. She wasn't mad at all but se said she wants a relationship with me and be in my life and me in hers. We have talked everyday since and it feels great. I want to surprise her and get in her life and stay there. What do I do people? I need so advice for life. Help me please.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well I want to say many things, and first sorry but yes I think you are a dead beat dad, you knew you had a child, so how do you "lose" contact if you wanted a relationship.

Next you knew moms name, and name of a child, so you could have found them years ago if you had wanted.

You basically forgot about them, did not have the desire to know your child or help care for the needs of the child.
So yes I am judging you on what you did not do.

Had you said, you had a relationship and did not know she was pregnant and lost contact that is different.

First know that she is already almost grown and that you can not make up for 15 years of not being there. If you try that, you will merely push her away. You start by just being there for her if she needs you, and trying to stay in contact and not "lose" her again

[ScottGem]

I totally agree with Chuck. So the first thing you need to do is apologize to her for abandoning her. You go on from there depending on her reaction.

[Kitkat22]

I agree with Fr_Chuck . You could have found her. Now that you are willing to step up, please don't disappoint her anymore.

[Jake2008]

This gives me goosebumps!

I think it is wonderful that this is happening for both you, and your daughter. Kudos to her mother for initiating contact.

I presume her mother is also going to be with your daughter? If not, and you are on your own, she needs to know why you did what you did. My advise to you is to keep it simple, state the facts, and get that history overwith. Down the road, when she is more comfortable with you, she will have questions, and you will have far easier conversations when you know each other better.

Your daughters mother is a good woman, and must have not made you out to be some low life who will never surface in her life at all. She could have said you were dead, or any number of things, but obvioulsy she realizes the importance of this step for her daughter.

Regardless of anything, you cannot erase or undue the past, and you can only apologize and take a beating over it so long. This is now, and time to move forward.

It is exciting to think that your daughter will now have an opportunity to also know your family, and her grandparents, cousins, etc. She will have so much more added to her life, because of what you are doing- now.

None of which would be happening of course, if you didn't step up, even though it is late. But it is not by any stretch, impossible to have a loving influence in her life.

You may find the best practiced speeches will come out gobbledegook, and the same for her. I don't think it is an easy task to stick to a speech, but I'm sure if you don't get the words out the first time, they will come eventually.

The important thing is, that this works out, and I sincerely hope, for both your sakes' that it does.

Good for you!

[asking]

Don't surprise her.
Don't use her to fulfill YOUR needs.
Don't disrupt her life.

[martinizing2]

You probably could have done more and found your daughter if you really wanted to do it. A simple "I lost touch with them" is a cover.

But that was then this is now. And your daughter wants to meet you. I am glad that she will have the chance.

Her mother must not have made you look like Lucifer s brother which is done all too often.
You should thank her for that.

There is no excuse for abandoning a child. But I understand people can be sorry and want to become a part of the child's life.

Luckily for you , your girl wants to meet you. Many times the child wants nothing to do with the absentee parent.

I think a great surprise for her would be for you to open a college fund for her.
Start with a generous deposit and have automatically deducted monthly deposits of all you can afford + $150.00
Set up.

I'm sure she went without due to your lack of responsibility , so I think you should do without for a while.
It would show her how serious you are.

She did without for no good reason.

If you do this you can do it for some damn good reasons.

I hope you and your girl can build a mutually beneficial relationship that will bring fulfillment , contentment, and joy to you both.
She deserves at least that much!

I wish you well and hope you find it in yourself to do what is right.