[phoenix808]

I come from a very unstable background and was bounced from one foster home to the next. For years, I've settled for bad boys who treated me however they felt from one day to the next. I never expected to meet "Mr Right" until I met Jay. He's educated, comes from loving parents and has lived a some what sheltered life. I love him, too but sometimes it all goes wrong and I come out looking like a crazy stalker. I want to improve my ability in interpersonal relationships and I know the first step in change is to stop repeating unhealthy behavior patterns. Easier said than done. Jay has said that he is afraid of me. It kills me to know this and I've tried to change but then something will happen (he doesn't call for instance) and alarm bells go off and I resort to my old patterns and push him away. I know this is not healthy at all, I want to change these actions before he walks out of my life for good. Therapists are something I cannot afford, any other suggestions?

[imation]

I go through similar freak outs when a girl doesn't call. Things that have helped me are just being calm, reminding myself that there is no reason to panic, and distracting myself until they call. It helps a lot.
Sometimes it can feel like my mind is twisting in all these directions and I've got no control of the terrible thoughts taking over me. But I take a breath, remember that I do this often, and tell myself I've no need to feel insecure. Try it :)

[talaniman]

You already know what your solution is,

I know the first step in change is to stop repeating unhealthy behavior patterns. Easier said than done.

Practice better methods of behavior, like think twice before you act or speak, (like counting to ten), and if you do this enough times it will become second nature, and easier.

Most things in life are easier said than done until you have actually done them. So do it, again and again, and it WILL get easier.

Motivate yourself with the thought that if you don't people will be afraid of you.

[asking]

Both tal and imation have given good advice. The important thing is to pause before you speak or act and think about what you are about to say or do. If in doubt, do nothing. In time you will achieve more control.

Insights will help too. And you will need that to make progress as well. Read self help books that seem to speak to your life issues. And you can talk to people here about your specific issues. Everybody's got some baggage, some more than others.

I applaud your determination to be a better girlfriend. I hope Jay can hang in there for you.

[phoenix808]

Thanks Imation, Talaniman and Asking. You're advice is much needed and I will use the techniques you all suggested.

[beachloverjohn]

I don't have much to add except to agree with what was posted. You were given some great advice, and your positive response is what makes this site so invaluable. The way you were bounced around was not your fault. It's tough enough to get through life even when you have a so called "normal childhood", let alone the lousy hand that was dealt to you. But the fact that you have reached out for help so that maybe one day can change the unhealthy patterns you were so accustomed to, is inspiring to many of us, especially myself.

[delitelimon]

I can relate to your situation. I get really angry and resentful sometimes because of issues with my mom and from my childhood. Of course, I take it out on the most important person in my life whom I love very much, my boyfriend. It is unfair, but I know he will forgive me, so I take advantage of our relationship and his kindness. The problem is, I am noticing a lot of anxiety from my partner lately. He always asks me, "What's wrong? What's wrong??" It makes me really sad that I've put the burden of my issues on his back. It's not fair and so unhealthy for our relationship, which I really want to work out. I think we both need to work on what you said... "I want to improve my ability in interpersonal relationships and I know the first step in change is to stop repeating unhealthy behavior patterns." Because maybe someday they won't call us back.