[chill2008]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this site and I read around some other posts and question/ answer posts and I felt like everyone was honest and at least showed that they cared if they answered a question... I felt like this was the appropriate place to ask for help with my relationship...

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 8 months now and we have argued over the smallest of things through out the relationship. I said I would change because I felt like a lot of times it was my fault.. she says she feels alone and doing everything by herself...

The last time we had a explosion I could tell our relationship changed... and when I ask her why she loves me she says I don't know anymore... and just last night she was telling me that she feels like I'm missing out on life and that there are so many more experiences out there than what I have experienced in my life and she said that it scares her but it made me feel like she was pusing me away.. I mean I'm happy with what I have experienced in my life...

But she has had sex with more than her age in guys and she says that because I haven't slept with that many people that scares her too.

She also is very stubborn, and has a attitude problem, if things don't go her way she pouts and gets upset...

Honestly she doesn't know why she loves me,if I can change when I try so hard, and most importantly she thinks I'm not ready to be where we are in this relationship because I'm immature from my lack of life experiences.. She says I have self confidence issues.. Some days especially the last couple of days I have felt unhappy and depressed while others me and her have the best of times together and I'm happy... I don't want to be without her we have already started our lives together but these problems keep arising. Witch I think is causing her a great deal of unhappiness as well... I don't know weather I'm pulling her down with me and if she would be better off alone or what..

What do I do? I love her so much she is more honest with me than anyone has ever been. I want to have a healthy relationship but I don't know if I know how.I just want us to be happy together... Can anyone help or at least offer some advice?

[Cat1864]

You should not make changes to yourself to please another person. You should make changes because you feel the need.

Frankly, it sounds like she is wanting out for her own reasons and putting the blame on you. I get the feeling that her 'being honest' is her getting what she wants while making you think you owe it to her. That is not a healthy basis for a relationship.

So she has had a fuller life up to this point. How does that make you less mature? It seems to me that she has been doing things that she knows she shouldn't and wouldn't get away with in a relationship with someone else.

What are your self-confidence issues according to her?

Communications and COMPROMISE (both people making concessions) are part of a strong foundation for a relationship. How much has she been willing to change about herself? How much do you really believe you need to change about yourself? How much does she want you to change to suit her desires/needs?

Be honest with yourself about whether you truly want to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you as you are now and may not want to stay with the person she is attempting to make you into.

[beachloverjohn]

She sounds like she is not ready to settle down. I think she feels she controls the relationship, and wants a stronger man. This is very common with women, because they like a man who is in control. You sound like a great guy, but I don't think this woman is for you. You sound very needy, and frankly kind of weak. I am not trying to be cruel, but this woman is going to break your heart. I would back off a little, give her some space, and start having a more confident attitude about yourself. Girls like a challenge , and want to feel special, they don't want to feel like they are with a wimp. You will experience more relationships before you settle down but remember this. Don't be so ready to change for someone else, and don't care so much. Those who care the least, gain the most.. Be a nice guy, but be yourself. Some women will want this, but I'm afraid the one your with is not the one.

[talaniman]

Change all you want to, I doubt it makes any difference to her, as she will never be that happy with you and you will not know who you are.

She doesn't even know what changes she wants in you. Go figure. Naw its not worth it if you can't talk about it.

[wonderlife]

My first feeling when reading this post is that everything seems to be all about her. You allow her to judge you for who you are and I feel like you believe it! How can you possible think that most of the arguments are all your fault? When you keep thinking and believing that it's all your fault and whatever absurd things she said about you are right, you will continue to suffer and lost yourself for who you really are. Instead of changing yourself just to please her, isn't it better to stand up for yourself and don't allow her to do all these to you?

Sorry, but lack of life experience and don't sleep with enough people are what she considers problems? What's she talking about? I think the one who really cares or loves you will never do anything to put you down and make it looks like everything was your fault like this.

If she doesn't like you for who you are, never mind her! What's the point of changing for her? It's really nice that you try to change for the girl you love and want to share the future with. However, please step back a little bit, look at the big picture, and consider whether she really worths it for you to trade yourself respect, self confidence, just to be in this relationship.

Please get yourself back and find out who you really are. If you have a strong sense of self and know who you really are and what you want in life, you won't allow someone to treat you the way this girl treats you, then believe in everything she said and get hurt.

Do you really think this girl can give you a happy and healthy relationship when she doesn't even respect you, say things that hurt you, often put you down, doesn't even like you for who you are, and keep blaming you for nonsense issues?

You want a suggestion to make this relationship work, I understand. I can tell you that to change yourself or do whatever it takes just to please her is not the way to make it work, but the way to make you more suffer. Is it going to be ever enough for her? How much care you have to give? How much change you need to make? How many questions and doubts you have to get through?

You say you can change for her because you love her and you want to be with her but you think she can or even wants to change for you? Most of her actions and words she said scream the fact here that "she's just not that into you and doesn't care much about you".

I don't think people should change for anyone, especially for the wrong reasons. They should change and make a decision to change only for themselves and to make them a better person. Two people may adjust themselves in some aspects they can do to make the relationship work but it will require input, output, and efforts from both sides.

Please try to look at the whole picture, get yourself back, and consider whether this is really the relationship you want to be into and can really make you happy.

[mystific]

I agree with Cat, I believe in every relationship whether it be friendship or more, there has to be compromise. So long as you don't lose your identity in doing so I see no fault in being able to work around 'kinks'.

However, it is a two way street and in order for the compromise to work it needs to be met and equalled at various levels.

Changing just yourself to fit a relationship is completely pointless. The only one who benefits is the other person, who in turn sees how easy it is get you to do whatever they want.

And in the long run, it's a longer road back to recovery for you than it is for the other.