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Should we continue not to try and contact our estranged daughter?
We have always been an extremely close family of four and our daughter met her first boyfriend at the age of 26 (ten years ago). We noticed he was very controlling towards her from the beginning and it became much worse as the time progressed. She was a very quiet, thoughtful and caring girl and a perfect daughter.
They met where they worked and she was so happy she had found someone, because she was very lonely. She was a member of the church youth group, which she enjoyed because she liked the people there very much. He told her he would marry her and she picked out an engagement ring which she liked and he bought it for her. She asked when they were going to get married and he said "the more you ask the longer you will wait". He had gone away for a week on business and when he arrived back at the office, he didn't even walk up to say hello to her because he told her to keep their relationship secret. He used to go to his church, where his ex fiancé also attended and he refused to take our daughter, even though she had asked many times. She also asked him to go with her to her church and he refused. We gave them a beautiful engagement party and had planned to give them a beautiful wedding, so we told our daughter they could choose a reception place and church etc - he would not allow us to be involved in any way. We gave them the deposit for the reception and they would go there without us to look over the place and would not take us - when his parents came down from the country, he took them to see it. He said we have too much influence over her. Our daughter would always kiss us each night before she went to bed and before she left the house and when she would put her arms around us or show any affection to us he would storm out of the room. She became withdrawn from us and when you would get home from work, she would say she was tired and wanted to go to bed. Many times she would cry with some of the things he would say to her. One day while we were at work we came home and all her clothes were gone and we contacted her and she gave us her address where she was staying. She was staying with a lovely lady about the same age as me. A week later we received an email saying that she was going to be married in his church and the reception will also be held in his church hall. We were devastated because she had always wanted a fairytale wedding but he wanted to plan the whole thing - she went along with everything he said. We lost the deposit on the reception place and he sent us an invitation to our daughters wedding. Her girlfriend, from her church was her bridesmaid and she has written to her and phoned her but had no reply. No one from her side of the family attended her wedding because she had abandoned us all - we tried before the wedding to sit down and talk and she said she would have to ask him first and of course he refused to do so. Six weeks after their marriage my husband and I and our son went down to see her. She was home but would not open the door, she phoned him and he called the police. She said please go because the police are going to come. We waited for the police and told them our situation and they came out and said, we are supposed to be impartial but we can see he is the problem. We were standing there with an arrangement of flowers to give our daughter. That was the last time we went to her home. He arrived home before the police and ordered us off his property and said she was scared of us - He would come up nearly every night before they were married and we allowed him to stay in the spare room and he used to act as if he lived there. After the incident where the police were called I rang her and she was very guarded in what she said but she still spoke nicely to me. She would always be very respectful towards us and we never had any problems because she had such a lovely nature. For eight years we sent a birthday present and card etc on special occasions and we have heard nothing from her. I would give her all the news of the family, including her brothers marriage and he has had three lovely children since then and she has not even met his family. She loved her grandmother and when my Mum passed away our son rang and he answered the phone and our son said he needs to speak with her urgently. We heard nothing, so we had to get the police to deliver the death message. We did not even hear from her then. As I said earlier we have not seen her for ten years. For eight years we kept contact with cards and birthday presents and gave her all the family news but have not heard from her. This will be the second year we have not contacted her in any way. Do you think we are making the right decision? (in my last letter 2 years ago, I told her we will continue to love her and will always be here for her if needed). We are just hoping that she will see the light one day and make a call to us. |
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If he has so much control over her,she may not have even read your letters. My advice is to continue contact,even with no reply,as hard as that may be. One day,she may need you,she may find herself on her own with no where to go and no one to turn too. Your contact may just be the lifeline she will need. Granted there is no guarantee that will happen,but I do think its hard to deny your blood. Maybe her children (if she has children) will be stronger and will make contact with you one day. |
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I agree with Redhead35. Keep the contact up, whether they are making it to her or not, it's still worth a try. Another indication is that they haven't been sent back "return to sender", you haven't been told (at least you didn't say) to leave them alone. That makes me think that maybe she is getting them, and maybe she is holding on to them. The part that sticks out most for me is the fact that no one attended her wedding. While she may have wanted a fairytale wedding and all that, she choose to let her future husband call the shots and went with his wedding idea in the end. I think no one from the family attending may have been the sticking point in all of this. I can understand not being happy with their choice to do the wedding his way, but in the end this was still your daughter and still her wedding. To which no one from her family supported her in. Maybe, if you send her a letter and write about the wedding. Tell her you're sorry for not attending. Don't write why you didn't attend, don't write about how you felt she always wanted a fairytale wedding and don't write about how you feel he controlled the situation (especially if he reads the letters). Just say you're sorry for not attending, and how if you could do over again you would attend your beautiful daughter on her big day. In a controlling situation things are not easy for her. She needs to know she has support, that she can go home again, and that there won't be moments of "We told you so" coming at her if she chooses to accept her family back. She needs her family and even though she's not responding to anything she needs to know you're there should she gain the strength to make contact. |
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My family has experienced a similar situation with my sister. She married a very controlling individual and went to his church and starting cutting all ties with us. The invitation to the wedding was a fax on the Wednesday with the wedding on Friday, after which all contact with us was cut. I didn't speak with her for six years, my parents attempted contact for a long time. Her husband was checking the mail, deleting any emails from us and wouldn't let her answer the phone (not known to her at the time). Eventually my sister contacted us, when times with her husband became tough. Any communications with her are done through her work, email, mobile everything, so her husband can't 'edit' our communications. It has been a very slow process to rebuild however it culminated in our first family Christmas lunch in 12 years. I say continue to keep the communication open, she may not be getting them at all. If the case is that he is editing communication then, keep trying he may slip up and one might get through. If you do start sending regular letters, start referring to the previous ones or events mentioned. She may not realize that you have been trying to contact in the past (which was our experience, she thought we had walked away from her adding to her isolation and increasing his ability to manipulate her). Don't give up hope! All the best Elwood |
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Thanks for responding - it is good to hear what other people think and the advice is very helpful. The gifts we have sent her were sent by Registered Mail and we paid extra so that it would be delivered to her personally because she had to sign for the parcel and her signature was returned to us for confirmation. We thought that if we just kept on giving her all the news of the family that that would satisfy her need. I did send her a card in the early stages of the estrangement and I phoned her and she said "you don't know how much that card upset me" (it was a lovely card saying we miss her). She asked me not to ring her again after that. One birthday I sent her (registered mail) a beautiful album I created telling the story of her life with photos from her birth until she left at 26 years old. My husband rang her once and left a message on their answering machine asking her to contact him as a matter of urgency. She would have phoned her husband and asked what she should do. She rang back and left a message on our machine and asked if we could phone her back and leave a message as to what was wrong (and she was home at the time). He told us she was scared of us - I believe she doesn't know what to say to us, because he talks for her. Does your brother in law visit your family now? It is lovely that things have worked out for your family. |
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Thanks for your response - our daughter did not have a fairytale wedding, she had an 'afternoon tea' in his church hall. Her two cousins were going to be her bridesmaids and they were extremely upset with the way we were treated, we were completely stopped from having anything at all to do with the wedding. My Mum and I organised my wedding, we have been married for 38 years and my husband fitted in with whatever we planned and we made sure that both sides of our family were involved. Our daughter's cousins decided not to take part in the wedding at all because they refused to sit down and work things out. He was quite happy about that and had his sister in laws. When plans were first being made our daughter wanted her only brother to be in the wedding party but he didn't want him to be in the wedding party. She was most upset about that and he finally agreed he would have him. Our son emailed her and told her he could not be part of the wedding party for the way we were abandoned. We would have gone to the wedding where they had it but it was the way we were rejected that made us make the decision not to go. They knew we were not going to attend because I wrote her a letter as to why. Six weeks after the wedding I phoned her and she spoke to me (very guarded) and when we finished talking, her last words were "I love you Mum". All this problem started before the wedding and she was so scared she would lose him - she thought she would be left on the shelf. I believe that if he really loved our daughter he would have done everything he could to work things out but he knew that if our daughter spoke with us, his plans for organising everything would have changed. He wanted no dancing, no speeches, no music - nothing of a traditional wedding. The night of their engagement party we had it at our daughters church hall and he sat outside with his family and she was left all alone and sat near us all night. I wanted to organise the engagement cake for them (two big hearts) and he wanted it to be bright red - I asked my daughter and she didn't like the sound of that too much, so I asked her if she would like me to order a dark pink one (to try and meet him half way). We did that and gave the remaining cake to his parents to take home. He has the small man syndrome - perhaps that's why he didn't want our son in the bridal party because he is 6 feet tall. Before the wedding we thought we would shout them out for a nice meal - we made arrangements to meet at 7.30pm and they arrived at 8.45pm and we were just sitting waiting at the table - it was quite embarrassing. Our daughter has always been very punctual but he wanted to keep us waiting (to have the control). When my Dad passed away they came half an hour late for the funeral and we waited for their arrival and when we saw them we walked over the greet them and bring them in to the fold. She didn't even turn up at my Mothers funeral and we didn't even hear from her and she loved her just so much. Both my parents passed away after our daughters wedding. Hope this clears the situation up a bit as to why no-one attended the wedding. I forgot to mention I was told my the Minister (who is a friend of ours) that he kept our daughter waiting at the church because he also turned up late for the wedding, that is how arrogant he is. Would love to hear any more thoughts... |
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G'day glenfare, Her husband does very rarely come for a visit, it's quite awkward for everyone involved but we manage. He too suffers from small man syndrome (I'm over 6ft as well) but I don't think it can explain away acting like a controlling prick. My experience has been that the parents suffer the most, as a sibling it was easier to cope with, although my other sister was hurt a lot more then me. The thing that really stands out is the whole 'she's scared of you' line fed to you guys, to me it seems he's trying to use guilt to control the relationship you have with your daughter. The less you try and contact the easier it is for him to keep her isolated. To me almost sounds like she is scared of the consequences from him of communicating with you guys. I bet the husband can throw a good tantrum! I'm sorry I can't offer much advice, only perhaps that the next letter/card you send say that you've accepted the marriage (probably more polite the that) and that you hope they are both healthy and well. Maybe send a 10yr card/gift/flowers, even if they are belated gifts? I hate to say it but it's really a war of attrition. I'm sorry I can't offer much in the way of further advice, only a friendly ear/eye. All the best Elwood |
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 Originally Posted by elwoodb
Thanks for your reply - My husband, son and I had a good discussion about your familys situation and it does sound very similar to ours. The first eight years where I was sending gifts for our daughters birthdays I always told her we are always here for her. We thought it best never to rubbish him in the letters, so I didn't mention him at all - I just gave her all the news from home. The first few letters my husband and I both wrote in the same letter and we did send our regards to him because we thought that would be the sensible thing to do in this situation. I had also mentioned that they are both welcome in our home and that we have put things behind us. There is no way she will come back with him because he told her once before they were married, that when he makes a decision that is it. Her birthday is at the end of this month but I won't send anything again this year but I will send a 'Thinking of you card' in a month when it is no special occasion. I will type the envelope so he won't know my writing because I won't send it Registered Post where she would have to sign for it because they might get under her skin. Our son thinks that I should just send the card from me (the Mother/Daughter thing) and go at it from that angle. He thinks I should put my email address in the card and just say that I would love to hear from her when she is ready. That way I am not pushing her in any way. One thing I did not mention is that the time I arrived home and found all her clothes gone - I rang my husband and son because I was just devastated and they both came home from work to be with me. My husband decided to phone his parents and his father (who also has the little man syndrome) and we didn't get much help there. The father said to my husband "I believe you think our son is trying to put a wedge between you and your daughter" and his father was quite annoyed about my husband having said that, and of course it was true. My husband spoke to him with respect and showed a lot of restraint (after 28 years in the Police Force he was used to that!) His father said your dauthter is old enough to leave home if she wants too. My husband said yes, that is true but it was the way it was done. After about 5 minutes my husband ended the conversation because his father just wanted an argument and he wasn't going to get it. Our son married a lovely girl and they now have 3 lovely little children (our daughter has never met her sister-in-law or the children). If our son was in this situation we would have certainly intervened long before this and not just turned our backs on the other sides family. Thanks so much for listening, its really nice to hear what you think, you know what its like and what a happy family has to go through when this sort of thing happens. Kind regards Glenfare |
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I think your daughter is in an abusive marriage and he totally contorls who she sees and where she goes. Keep writing her, keep up the contact. One day she may break away from this and it will be good for her to know you are there. He has probably told her, been telling her that you guys care nothing about her. Don't give up on her. |
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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
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Glenfare,my heart goes out to you.I can't even imagine how painful it must be for you as a parent to not know how your daughter is,whether she is happy or not,whether everything's OK in her life or not.Its true--being parents isn't an easy task. Sometimes parents have to do what's best for their kids,going against their loving,supportive nature,I guess.We may not say so but we kids would always want to feel loved and cared for and supported by our folks. I am sure your daughter would want to know that as well.However subtly and indirectly she gets the message.It would give her the strength to carry on,in her situation and one day maybe even the courage to speak up and stand up for herself.You did great by trying to keep in touch with her.Dont break off that contact ever,even if her husband tells you otherwise.End of the day,you know her better than him.The best way to love and support her would be to be patient and non-judgemental,I suppose, and keep sending her the cards and messages. Hope everything works out for your family.God bless. |
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Glenfare, the situation in some ways is similar however there are some differences that I won't get into as it doesn't reflect your situation. Contact wise, her birthday is a great opportunity to send some flowers or a card to her. I like your sons idea of including your email address, it's a lot harder for her husband to control her email. The reason I said earlier about accepting her marriage was that perhaps she is holding some resentment at the lack of family representation there. If you are going to have contact with her in the future more then likely you will have to have a cordial relationship with the husband. By accepting and extending the olive branch it would make it hard for her to hold onto bitterness towards you. I can't see how keeping the communication up would hurt her, if anything it will show that her family still loves her despite her actions and decisions of the past. All the best |
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Originally Posted by elwoodb
Before they were married, he would come up after work and bring his clothes to stay the night and he would just walk in and go to the bedroom and lie down, he just didn't want to converse with us. It got to the point that our daughter told me that she wishes he would not come up every night, she said "he just tries to maul me all the time. I told her to tell him not to come up every night - She told him not to come up so often and she told me he got really angry that she should say that. Anyway, he did continue to come up every night - even after my husband told him not to come up so often. My husband and I look back now and wish we had have spoken up more but our only concern was for our daughters happiness. She was so happy she had found someone to go places with and to get married and we did not want to spoil that for her. Sometimes he would come home after work and occassionally sit with us in the loungeroom, but would not speak - when spoken to he would just say Yes/No. He is a really strange person.... Our daughter would arrive home and in our family we have always got up when we heard one of our family come home and it was normal practice to always get up and greet them at the front door with a kiss. He used to just slouch or lie down on the lounge with a pillow and did not ever get up to say hello. She had to go over to him and bend over to give him a kiss. He asked her why we had to go to the door to greet her every night but that is what we have done all our lives. I still greet my husband at the door when he arrives home from work! Most weekends he would go down to his church (a couple of hours from here) and mow the lawn at the church he used to go to but he would never take her. He was also invited to a friends wedding but did not take her and his ex girlfiend was going to be there. His ex girlfriend was a member of the same church that he went to. He told our daughter that her parents would not speak with him at church (I wonder why). His ex girlfriend ended her relationship with him a couple of days before they were to celebrate their engagement party. He had a nervous breakdown and hounded her so much that her parents put her on a plane to go overseas to stay with her grandmother just to get away from him for a while. My husband decided to ring his ex girlfriends father to see if he could shed some light on this fellow our daughter was going to marry. Our daughter is very naive and certainly not worldly and would believe anything he tells her. Its strange that as soon as our daughter had the engagement ring on her finger, thats when our she started to withdraw from us. The morning of our daughters engagement party my husband asked them both to sit down at the dining room table because we needed to talk. The four of us sat down and my husband and I spoke and he had his turn to speak and my husband asked our daughter what she would like to say and she just shrugged her shoulders and said "I don't know". When he asked our daughter to marry him he wanted to give her his ex-girlfriends engagement ring. It was an awful ring and I told her he should buy her one of her own. Apparently his mother agreed with me on that one. We really had to push to meet his parents, he did not want us to meet them, he kept on making excuses. We eventually met them and he is like his father (short and bossy). The morning after the engagement party he knew we were going to do our weekly shopping, so he invited his parents for lunch. It would have been rude of us to still go shopping, so we had to send our daughter down town to get a cooked chicken etc because I had nothing I could give them because I hadn't done the shopping for the week. It was just mentioned in passing that they were coming and he didn't even ask us whether it would be okay. |
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Originally Posted by Starry nights
These messages have really given us some good advice and hope - we do hope that one day soon that she will get the courage to speak up for her family. I feel he has suppressed her feelings but deep down she is the same girl we nurtured and the one who had such a loving caring nature. We have no doubt that she knows how much she is loved. She always would say to us "family is the most important thing in her life". No one can believe this situation has happened to our family. We have gone through life without any big dramas and had no problems with either of our children. Our son and his family are very supportive - they have also tried to make communication but no one can break through the wall he has built up around her. Thanks again for your comments... |
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