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ferdas · Aug 10, 2010, 11:16 AM

I have been married for about 4 years now. I can honestly say my husband puts me first and genuinely loves me; we enjoy each other. However, my husband has a medical condition in which he has to take an injection in order to become erect. Any type of pill makes him sick. I had been well aware of this problem prior to our marriage and was willing to deal with this. Intimacy was not an issue until shortly after we were married. He is reluctant to take the medication now because it is uncomfortable, which I understand... but I don't know why we go for months without any kind of sex. He has seen many doctors about it and no one can seem to help. We have seen a therapist about this problem over a year ago, but it did not improve at all. He does not want to talk about it, and when we do talk about it, he claims things will improve. I know that while this is a medical condition, it is affecting his sex drive. There is none. I'm always initiating, but he is so reluctant. Sometimes the medication works and sometimes it doesn't, which is frustrating for both of us. We're looking into other therapists as medical doctors cannot seem to offer any other type of help. I just really do not know what to do.

JudyKayTee · Aug 10, 2010, 11:40 AM

I'll be blunt - what is his medical condition? The penile injections aren't uncomfortable - they can be excrutiating.

I wouldn't be so sure that he doesn't have a sex drive. He may relieve himself in other, less embarrassing, ways for him.

If he suffers from nerve damage, often common with diabetes, there is little that can be done.

There are always implanted devices available but I don't know if he wants this type of surgery or is a viable candidate.

His medical condition and the cause of the problem are important.

ferdas · Aug 10, 2010, 07:02 PM

He was born with guillian beret, not sure if that's spelled right. It is nerve damage. I tried talking about implanted devices... it's a concrete no.
He does not "relieve" himself either... maybe once in a blue moon. I've done it for him, but that's not the problem here. He may have a sex drive; however, I have yet to see him excited to have sex or do anything with me.

JudyKayTee · Aug 11, 2010, 05:15 AM

If it's nerve damage he very well may have no feeling, no sensation; therefore, no drive. Is it Guillain-Barré Syndrome?

Do I understand you correctly - he can't get an erection but also will not use any other means to sexually satisfy you?

Hae you discussed his medical problems with a Physician? Not the same subject but my husband was very sick for over five years and I could tell you as much about his problems, the medical terms, the treatments, as his Doctor could because I made it my business to understand.

You probably need to educate yourself about G-B Syndrome. It may help the situation but, of course, it may not.

Marriedguy · Aug 11, 2010, 05:27 AM

One issue I have is that you married into the situation. It’s as if you married someone for can’t walk and now you’re complaining that he refuse to take romantic walks on the beach.

Unfortunately, your husband can’t have intercourse due to a medical condition. You can have intimacy without intercourse.

Is he at least doing other things?

ferdas · Aug 11, 2010, 11:25 AM

Yes, he can do other things with me besides intercourse. He is actually VERY good at it; however, it is rare that he initiates or even seems excited to be intimate in any way at all. I usually am interested and I have to be the one who asks. I am often rejected, and it has only gotten worse. We would not even have any type of sex unless I bring it up. I know that I can deal with his medical condition, I have been; and I believe I have been understanding. However, I am frustrated because there is no type of sex at all for months on end. It may sound pathetic, but I just never thought I'd feel so alone.

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

If it's nerve damage he very well may have no feeling, no sensation; therefore, no drive. Is it Guillain-Barré Syndrome?

Do I understand you correctly - he can't get an erection but also will not use any other means to sexually satisfy you?

Hae you discussed his medical problems with a Physician? Not the same subject but my husband was very sick for over five years and I could tell you as much about his problems, the medical terms, the treatments, as his Doctor could because I made it my business to understand.

You probably need to educate yourself about G-B Syndrome. It may help the situation but, of course, it may not.

I have wanted to visit his doctor, but he is so embarrassed about it and angry that I want to go. I've told him that I need to go to get a better picture, but he tells me that this is all there is to know. Believe me, we've fought about it. However, I probably need to push the issue again.

JudyKayTee · Aug 11, 2010, 01:08 PM

My heart actually hurts for you - it's hard to be the patient; it's hard to be the caregiver/wife. At one point I had to ask my late husband why he kept pushing me away and he (with tears in his eyes) said he knew he was going to leave me and he was trying to make it easier for me.

You and your husband are both trapped by his illness.

Yes, you need to know. If for some reason you couldn't have intercourse, lost your desire, wouldn't you want him to understand - and that's what you have to ask him. Ask him lovingly and with concern.

I knew everything there was to know, everything. It brought us closer.

And, yes, I remember how alone and lonely I sometimes felt.

If I were there I would hug you -

ferdas · Aug 11, 2010, 01:55 PM

Thank you. It helps to hear support. It's good that knowing about it brought you closer. Can I ask what his medical condition was? Did you both stay together or what happened?

JudyKayTee · Aug 11, 2010, 02:10 PM

He was a brittle diabetic (insulin sometimes worked, sometimes didn't), had 4 heart attacks (1 diagnosed after his death), numerous surgeries (including amputation of a large portion of both feet), was on dialysis, had peripheral neuropathy (couldn't feel his legs below the thighs, his hands were starting to lose feeling), he was losing his eyesight. He was a good, kind, educated, productive man and when he could no longer work (he was a Doctor of Pharmacy) it was very difficult for him.

We married in the Cardiac ICU after knowing each other about 9 weeks - he was scheduled for cardiac surgery the next day and told his chances of survival were about 50/50. He not only lived but we (despite numerous hospitalizations and many surgeries) celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary in the same hospital where we married. He died 13 days later after being in and out of a coma for 3-1/2 weeks and after I was told he was brain dead and there was no hope.

His final gift to me was on our wedding anniversary when 2 weeks into a coma he opened his eyes, pointed at me, said my name, pointed to his heart and held out his hand. I said, yes, it was our wedding anniversary and he nodded and mouthed 5 - so he knew me and he knew it was our anniversary. The Nurse later told me that as they got him ready for visitors that day they had told him it was our anniversary but they didn't know he had heard them. I learned that people in deep comas can still hear and respond. I stayed between 12 and 16 hours a day, I left that day, kissed him good-bye, he pointed to his heart, I got home and got the call that he had had a stroke.

So, yes, we stayed together and it wasn't because he needed a Nurse (which some people think). It was because I loved him and I took the "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health" vow very seriously.

He is now gone almost three years and I remarried this past March so my life has gone on (as he wished) and he has found peace and is out of pain.

JudyKayTee · Aug 11, 2010, 02:49 PM

QLP agrees : Oh my that made me cry. I'm so glad you are happy again.

Thank you for the kind words - I didn't mean to highjack the thread and, honestly, I wouldn't change a minute of it. I can't emphasize enough how this man sort of blew into my life, changed everything in a five year period and then left me for a better place. I will always miss him but, again, I don't have a single regret.

I always think that maybe where I've been will give someone hope or faith or a belief that there is always some good in a situation, no matter how desperate it seems at the time.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 11, 2010, 05:19 PM

JudyKayTee
What a beautiful story. I could feel the love as I read it.
I am so glad you are happily married again.
Thank you for sharing that.

talaniman · Aug 12, 2010, 01:00 PM

How do you think he feels seeing you suffer, and rejecting you because he can't always help it. I know it has to be rough on you both, but you're in this together. Maybe he has to learn to creatively get you off more often, as he comes to terms with how you both can be educated for the long term.

Maybe you doctor knows of a support group, to exchange ideas and see how others cope with this problem. He may be to embarrassed to go with you, but you can go yourself and bring some good ideas back with you.