[crazee1]

I'm 44 years old, happily re-married for 7 years, successful in that I've been at the same job for 23 years make good money have my own home, and pay all of my own bills. My problem is that my parents have never been proud of me, despise my husband, think I'm a horrible person, bad mother and selfish. People my entire life have told me to get them out of my life because they are crazy and they are destroying me but I can't - they are my parents after all. I call them every morning to check on them and make sure they are all right. Everything must be done their way or it is wrong. What can I do?

[0rphan]

Hi crazee 1

It sounds like a bit of envy maybe, perhaps they had a difficult life and they feel that you have everything easy, I am sure that is not the case but perhaps you could try a different approach.

You say that you phone each morning but do you go round, sit and have a cup of tea and a chat.

It may seem very trivial, but sometimes the smallest gesture can have the biggest impact.

I think perhaps they feel that they are not wanted, you have your life and they have theirs, as you say you earn good money etc..

Try inviting them round, or perhaps you and your Mum could do the shops or maybe a garden centre, let it be your time together, try and build some bridges, as you say they are your parents.. you only get one set, no matter how infuriating they can sometimes be, I am sure they love you and you them.

Don't just phone in the morning, ring other times, ask for their opinion on things or what could you cook for tea etc... if you get what I'm saying, they need to feel wanted and so do you.

Hopefully when you get a little closer, you can then tackle all the problems that have come between you and then you will be able to sort them out once and for all.

[crazee1]

Well, I have to admit, I don't go around much because I get tired of the criticism. I do call at other times though. I do invite them but they very rarely take me up on it. I'll take your advice and try building some bridges and see what happens. Thanks so much for your advice. I really appreciate it. Take care.

[dontknownuthin]

I get what you're saying. My father has nothing positive to say about me and talks to me as if I'm a total moron all the time. He gives instructions on every single thing that I or anyone else around him does and it's terribly irritating. He has many more good qualities, but he clearly has a very poor opinion of me and both of my siblings and often also speaks in a very rude way to my mother. It's really counter to how most people know him - as a guy who would give the shirt off his back, never be dishonest and so on. It's like because we're family we get dumped on with the worst treatment.

I get very, very upset about it but he will never change so all I can do is not tell him much (so I don't get the advice) and bite my tongue a lot. I really can't even speak to my mother about things because my Dad pipes up, gets on the phone with us and tells me off or tells my mother to get off the phone.

I don't think it's lack of attention -it's just their personality and it's not going to change. Mom finds it irritating too but often takes his side - understandably she's stuck in the middle. The only thing worse than being me in the relationship with my dad is being her and wishing he and I would get along better.