[positiveparent]

Here for anyone to make use of are some guidelines to relationships that are either healthy or unhealthy, and how to get the best out of them.

Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships

Read through the following if you are in a relationship with any of the traits described then its going no where, and you would be better to leave it and move on. These relationships are going to merely cause you hurt and pain.

When there is a imbalance such as one of the persons wants to control or dictate to the other.

Telling you who you can have as friends, what you can wear, where you can go, with whom, controls your finances, doesn't want to listen to anything that bothers you. Tells you to shut up, calls you unkind names or makes nasty remarks about you and your abilities.

One of the persons in the relationship does all of the giving and the other just takes, not showing consideration or thoughtfulness doesn't care about the others feelings turns up late or not at all. Flirts and makes out they're uninterested in person they're with in favour of another person, compares partner unfavourably with someone else.

Criticises, and complains makes a person feel inadequate, or not good enough, often threatens to end the relationship, unless you do as they want you to do.

Tells you they want space or a break, then changes their minds. Seems to pick you up and drop you at their leisure. Have cheated on you at least once if not more. Enjoys making you feel jealous. Often ignores your attempts at fixing problems by telling you you're imagining them. Shouts or yells at you swears and curses, Is kind one minute and cruel to you the next. Talks down to you, or condescending, invades your privacy and exploits your boundaries. Turns things around so it seems you're at fault.

Trust:
Without trust there's no love, if you've been cheated on lied to or discovered your partner has been lying to you about their past or anything along these lines, then you would be better off to just forget it and find someone who will respect you and treat you better,

Good Relationships contain these;
Loyalty, Loving, Trusting, Respecting, Giving, Caring, Sharing, Wanting, Communicating, Listening, Talking, Compromise, Allowing, Nurturing, Confiding, Laughing, Happy. Honesty, Space,

How to really listen;
Decide who is going to talk first, allow that person to say everything they want to say, and once finished wait 1 minute before you respond, then say what you have to say.
No interupting the person who is talking this shows you're not listening.

Be hard to get;
Don't Run After a person once they've decided to end it with you, you lose yourself respect and will end up being hurt even more. One way I found that always got attention from someone was to turn up where they would be, stay for say 30 minutes then leave. Don't Phone, Email, Text, or anything along these lines, leave all attempts at contacting them alone. If they want to get in touch with you they will, don't make it easy for them, be out or unavailable, or tell them you can't stop long you're going out. If they ask who with be evasive say oh just friends.

Never appear to be clingy or needy, it's a relationship killer, even if you are desperate and needy don't let them know this, appear to be off hand or flippant. It'll get them thinking. Don't expect to know why a relationship has ended, it has and that's all there is to it. Sometimes even the person who ends the relationship won't know why its ended just that it wasn't what they wanted to be in anymore. Don't obsess over what went wrong.

Theres really no Hurry
Between 16 and 20 consider all relationships under a year as being casual, for you to learn how to conduct future relationships and as a kind of practice run for when you get into the real deal. Aim to settle down when you're over 25, live life and see the world first. There's no hurry to get into a long term commitment you've got your whole life ahead of you, there's no age limit to getting settled down.

Until you find the person who is the right one for you always keep a little bit of yourself back, if you give everything too soon there's nothing left for the other one to find out. Don't compare yourself to another you're different you're unique just be yourself and let the other person be themselves too. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you own the other person or they you, you are merely sharing a time span with them, it could be weeks months or years, but no one at anytime ever owns another person.

Never try to prove your point, or try using an argument to get one over the other person, its not a case of who is wrong or right that matters, you can agree to disagree, and put it behind you, this way its less likely to cause any real lasting damage between you both, remember we are all entitled to an opinion and if yours don't compliment each others, that doesn't mean they're not valid opinions to you as individuals. We all see the world through our own eyes. It's futile to argue over who is wrong or right. You're in a grown up relationship so act like it and leave the playground tactics to the children.

Don't stress over exs they're exs and that's that.

Be Yourself and Let the other be Him/Herself.
All you can do is work on being the best person you can be, and giving to any relationship what you want to get out of it, don't look to the other person for validation. Don't take them for granted or abuse trust be loving and considerate. Allow the other the right to be themselves, don't try to mold them into something they're not.
All being well you'll have a great time together, for as long as its mean't to last.

To Sex or not;
Don't be too eager to get into a sexual relationship. Boys will not often refuse if its handed to them on a plate, however if she had sex with you tonight who did she have sex with last night. Use protection always. Girls make them wait for it, if he says things like if you loved me you would, ignore him. He's going to try every trick in the book, hold onto your respect and values never compromise them for any boyfriend. If he truly cares he will wait until you're ready. If he doesn't he wasn't worth keeping around.

Casual sex is empty and meaningless.

Getting back together after a break Up
If you get back together, and you haven't fixed what went wrong when you broke up the first time then chances are the relationship will just go the same way again, you have to resolve your issues and deal with all and any problems fully if you've any chance of making the relationship a success whether you break up once or ten times if you don't deal with the basics of what went wrong it will just go wrong again...

The above may help you understand your relationships, I am hoping it will, although I know everyone is different. These guidelines though could mean the difference between a good time or a bad time...

[BWK10]

Good read

[kutocer]

Is this worthy of being a sticky at all, I think it is but that's just me :D

[jmjoseph]

Good, helpful, post.

[friend4u178]

Yep

Definitely Stickie material in my opinion.

Well done!

[AskTheKitty]

I think this is extremely helpful and important advice for anyone about to
Embark upon any sort of relationship. Both teens and adults could benefit from
This information.
In school we're taught about the birds and the bees, the physical aspects of
Sex and its consequences but nothing is mentioned about the psychological
Side of it, which is definitely important too. The preteen/teen years are difficult
Enough as it is. Teens are just discovering who they are and how they fit into this world and worrying about themselves worth and being accepted by others etc. and
A lack of identify or self esteem too often leads to harmful decisions.
Even adults can have difficulty with their identities, and like the article states, if you don't fix problems in past relationships, you're bound to repeat them if you go back.

This is excellent advice for both teens and adults, no matter how experienced or inexperienced a person is in the relationship game.

[positiveparent]

Thank You AskTheKitty for your comments on the original post, they are greatly appreciated and contain valuable comments on the whole post. Again Thank You.

[wonderlife]

I really like this article a lot. I think it is crucial that people learn to love in a healthy positive way. This acrticle definitely helps us avoid some bad or incompatible persons and be able to see red flags before it is too late.

We should make this sticky!

[kutocer]

One thing I see in the UK which I also saw when gorwing up, We have sex ed but we don't have relationship education. Both 2 completely different things. The Netherlands had a very high teenage pregnecy rate in the 70's. They introduced relationship ed from 4 years old then sex ed from about 7 years+ I believe. The UK still has a very taboo type mentaltly about it. The Netherlands now have one of the lowest because of what they introduced.

Relationship education to me is much more important then sex ed, something I've never had but wish I did and I may not be in the situation I'm in now if I had this sort of information if I was younger.

To me relationship education is much more important then sex ed. Sex can be learnt with a partner but relationships you need to have a level of understanding about it before committing to it.

[positiveparent]

Hi Kutocer, I believe that in the UK the children as young as 1st year juniors (age7) are being given sex education lessons, not sure about relationship lessons that young but at my older sons school they have relationships advisory classes for the 11 year olds and upwards.

Whilst I accept its helpful for children to learn about sex and life experiences through the schools, I think ultimately it's the responsibility of the parents to help guide them into making the right relationship and sex choices, by our also teaching them about these things.

I think the younger children being given sex ed lessons, is optional but my older child's school its part of the curriculum, and therefore its mandatory.

Sex education is still a subject that parents are unsure about and feel embarrassed by telling their children, which is sad in many ways because then lots of the children find out about these things in the wrong way.

Not all parents are as relaxed about talking to their youngsters, my partner and I don't have that problem and as a result my 4 year old knows about the facts of life, and that he isn't to hit girls and stuff like that.

As stated though its not all parents who can talk with their children about these things.

I agree they also need to learn about relationships and how to deal with certain aspects of them and also how to avoid unhealthy and toxic relationships.

Thanks for your reply and the comments, you broached some valuable points.

[kutocer]

Yeah I know about them introducing it earlier, my eldest has just turned 6 so for her it would be next year.

Me and my ex are very open with our girls about what the body is. We use penis and vagina we don't use silly pet names as that's not what they are called.

It gets me that people are embarrassed about one of the most natual things we as human beings do, well in this country anyhow.

I watched a show a couple of years ago about the Netherlands having highest pregncey and what they did to lower it. It took a couple of generations and was not well recviced at the time.

The host took some teachers over to see it first hand and the teachers then tried to use it back in the UK needless to say what they wanted to do caused up roar with some of the parents and they threatened to take there kids out of school.

There is still a lot of taboo within this country and we tend to hide away from stuff when it should be hit full on.

[positiveparent]

I hear you about the Pregnancy issue, I heave heard of girls as young as 12 have had Babies, in UK, and of 1,13yr old boy becoming a father.

However Its teaching our kids how to deal with their emotions, to know that if they get into a relationship chances are that some of them will get hurt, and how they can deal with that pain, first love is devastating, I know I too went through that, and like most of the youngsters today I thought my world was over, I would never feel happy again.

Of course now I know life did go on I did get over it but as a 16yr old going through that it feels like they'll never get over it, it won't go away, and it's the hardest and most excrutiating pain they've ever felt, and they don't know what to do, or how to make it go away.

Many of them just feel they cannot go on, and sadly some take alternative ways to stop it, drastic tragic ways. No matter what age we are though we`re never taught how to deal with our emotions, so many will suppress them bottle them up and of course eventually they have to come out and usually its in a negative way.

As my late grandmother once told me you can't put an old head on young shoulders and that's so very true, we see the pitfalls and red flags, that our kids don't, perhaps though if we could somehow give them some idea of what to look for.

Like us parents, though our kids will have to learn by their own mistakes just like we did, we can soften the blow but ultimately they're still going to get hurt feel pain and heart break, we can only look on and hopefully pick them up when they fall. Offer them love and support, a shoulder to cry on and the rest they'll have to do as we did and do all they can to get over it. Of course we never know how it feels for them LOL we were born old in their eyes. OMG if only...

[kutocer]

Like us parents, though our kids will have to learn by their own mistakes just like we did, we can soften the blow but ultimately theyre still going to get hurt feel pain and heart break, we can only look on and hopefully pick them up when they fall. Offer them love and support, a shoulder to cry on and the rest theyll have to do as we did and do all they can to get over it. Of course we never know how it feels for them LOL we were born old in their eyes. OMG if only....

Right on, I don't control my girls life they have control of it and they have to learn from there own mistakes, heck I'm 30 and am still learning everyday. The ex and I are teaching my girls right from wrong, manners and respect but they control what they do within boundories that are set.

Dealing with emotions is something that has to be learnt by themselves we are there as support so they have someone to talk to and be able to comfort them when come across it.

When the ex and I split I thought about taking my own life, I love this women dearly and couldn't see my life without her even through all the mistakes I made. If it wasn't for my mum taking me in I would have to sit in some room all on my own without support but as it is she did and I'm still hear stronger then ever and moving on. A very much work in progress but am moving on.

[positiveparent]

Right on, I don't control my girls life they have control of it and they have to learn from there own mistakes, heck I'm 30 and am still learning everyday. The ex and I are teaching my girls right from wrong, manners and respect but they control what they do within boundories that are set.

Dealing with emotions is something that has to be learnt by themselfs we are there as support so they have someone to talk to and be able to comfort them when come across it.

When the ex and I split I thought about taking my own life, I love this women dearly and couldn't see my life without her even through all the mistakes I made. If it wasn't for my mum taking me in I would have to sit in some room all on my own without support but as it is she did and I'm still hear stronger then ever and moving on. A very much work in progress but am moving on.

You're doing good, you're moving on and you're also not letting it effect your relationship with your girls or they're mother, that's very mature and admirable. So is the fact you're teaching your girls manners and respect you're being a positive parent and that will be so beneficial for your girls, you're really doing well Keep it up, All credit to you.

[kutocer]

The funny thing is now I've moved on and being mature she ins't and is being a bit if a bit*h but I'm not going to show her it affects me. For me its all about me and the girls now and what ever the future may hold.

[positiveparent]

If any of you who have read this post want to make a copy of the Original Post, feel free to do so, it will no doubt disappear off the front page soon.

Thank You for your comments and reading it. PP