[skkenyon]

I have been married for over 10 years. We have had a good-not great-relationship with many ups and downs. We are your typical American family fitting the description of 2.5 kids, dog, white picket fence house, nice cars, well educated, etc. Both our parents have been married for 50 years. What I am getting at is we are picture perfect from the outside. I have felt for years that we are more like best friends than husband and wife. I struggle to feel romantic or passionate feelings towards him and we have long stretches with little to no intimacy. Needless to say, my husband had an affair several years ago (while I was pregnant with our 2nd child). When I found out I was devastated and vowed to to anything to make our marriage a success, as did he. Now I am beginning to think I was just more angry when I found out because he did it before I did. I said I would never do the same thing to him. However, in the last 6 months I have been in a few situations where I was out with friends, on a girls weekend or, most recently, when at a party and my husband was right downstairs, that I have been physical with other men. 4 times to be exact. All have been alcohol involved. Nothing more than kissing with some "touchy-feely" has happened. No clothes have been removed. I still tell myself that I love my husband and want to be with him. I am worried that I just do not want to be alone, but would be happier if I wasn't married. We have been to counseling right after the affair, but at that time our focus was on him and us, not as much on me or my feelings (other than how I felt about being betrayed). I have not told my husband or anyone else about my reckless behavior. I can't even say that I feel all that guilty. I make excuses by saying that "he did it first", but I have also told him that I want to move forward and no dwell on the past. I know no one can answer some my insecurities or questions, but I am wondering if there is anyone out there who can give me any advice as to what may be going on and where I go from here!

[positiveparent]

Hi skkenyon
I think that perhaps you miss the intimacy with your husband, and of course when there isn't so much by way of intimacy involved in a marriage then other areas of showing affection and being loving with each other tend to go or become less often as well.

Have you tried to talk this over with your husband?

Maybe some more counselling will help you with this area.

However one thing I feel you need to ask yourself is this, do you want to stay in the marriage, and are you prepared to work towards that aim with your husband, or do you feel you want to get out, and live your life with say just your children?

I would also say the events with these other males are a direct result of your lacking in intimacy in your marriage, you're in many ways starved of affection. Not deliberately but by the way you and your husband have a lessened sex life.

Can you and your husband talk about these things, do you want to talk about them?

I hope this helps and I shall reply again as the thread progresses.

Also try to remember that two wrongs don't make a right..

[Homegirl 50]

Maybe you guys should head back to counseling, or you should. Stay away from situations where you are alone with men. You are playing with fire.
You might want to sit down with your husband and talk to him about what you are feeling and doing. Get it out in the open. Hopefully this will open the door for communication.
Perhaps you guys need a spark.

[Wondergirl]

It might be the "seven-year itch" or "what's good for the gander is good for the goose," but in any event get yourself to a counselor to untangle your feelings about your husband and your marriage. I'm guessing the counselor will include your husband in some of the sessions. Your children deserve a happy mother (and father).

[talaniman]

The common theme in all the advice so far is TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. Its not unusual to go along for years, and lose that spark through lack of honest expressions with each other. Its time to identify and act on working together to make the right adjustments to keep the bond between you going.

Don't use the alcohol as an excuse for not reaching out to your best friend, and falling into the trap many fall into, using others for what you lack at home. That's where this starts, as always with you, and him talking, and expressing yourselves as things have undoubtedly changed, which is normal for us all, and we have to adjust to those changes.

It's a never ending process, that when we have those warnings, as in the episodes of bad behavior you have experienced with other men, that you do something about it in a proactive positive way. Nothing wrong with you acknowledging a lack of intimacy that you need, or even showing him how you need it.

This is a process that may take time for him to understand and react to, so being calm, and patient and willing to do your part is needed. You may be surprised that he may know there is a problem, but doesn't know what he should do about it.

That's exactly why you need to get back into the habit of working together through very honest expressions to each other, to solve your problems to the benefit of you both, and not take the easy way out of scratching your itch with outsiders.

Reach out for what you need, with your best friend, and hoping you have support and guidance of another trusted friend, who is a god listener. If not, then get some help to guide you through this very important process of reuniting mentally, with your husband.

Sometimes we all can forget about all the work involved in keeping the spark alive, and well in our own house.