[cjc88]

I don't know what to do. I'm 21 and my husband is 23. We've been together for 2 years and been married for only 3 months, and we also have a 11 month old son. Our relationship started OK but for some reason everything he wanted to do I just went along with and I have never been one to be lead, but when we got together he wanted me to live with him so I did, he wanted to live in a specific area and so I did, when I got pregnant (unplanned) he wanted to have the baby so I did, then he wanted to get married (I didn't) so I did that too and now I'm looking at my life thinking how did I get here? We both want completely different things and we are completely different people, everything is an argument and he constantly plays the victim. We are going to councilling but it's not helping and I think it is because I don't want to try, I've had enough I'm emotionally exhausted. He makes everything into an argument and I just don't want to fight anymore I've got nothing left. Normally when we fight I'm the one in tears but for the last couple of weeks I just can't cry anymore and I'm not backing down I fought so hard the other night that he was the one in tears and I just didn't care.
I work 2 jobs and look after our son and house and never get any help and I just keep thinking it would be so much easier if I had 1 less person to look after. Please help me I just don't know what to do anymore, I know he loves me but I feel like I'm lying every time I say I love him.

[Jake2008]

You are very young to have a husband and a baby, and top it off with two jobs to keep your head above water.

I hope that whatever happens, you keep up the counselling. It gets worse before it gets better; there are no quick fixes, it takes time.

That being said, why is your husband like 'you have to take care of him', and what do you argue about, and why. Does any of it has to do with exhaustion, and being overwhelmed?

You make it sound like he led you down the garden path, and you had no say in what was happening. Part of the reason you are where you are, is that you allowed it to happen. Had you said no at any point in time, perhaps you would be in a different place now.

I'm not blaming you necessarily, it is easy to be caught up in love, and caught up in giving too much and living with no expectations for yourself.

Many of us fall into that trap. Before you know it, real life sets in, mortgage payments, car payments, babies, working two jobs, etc. That will wear anybody out.

There are solutions if you can work toward identifying the problems, and agree how to communicate in order to reach goals, even small ones.

Maybe you need to work harder to figure out what you want and need, and how to set goals and boundaries with your husband.

If you are continuously unhappy and aren't working toward common ground, a foundation together will become impossible.

[Gemini54]

Everything may be very difficult, but you now have a child that you must consider - and that child should not be deprived of a father so easily. Do you honestly think it will be any easier on your own?

You say that you went along with what your husband decided and that you didn't make a choice in the matters involved - I'd like you to consider that not making choices is a choice in itself.

You sound angry to me and it sounds as if you're blaming your husband for what has happened to your life - however, this place where you find yourself is because you made certain choices - and being passive is certainly a choice!

Firstly, you must take responsibility for what has happened to you, instead of blaming your husband. Nothing will be resolved unless you do this.

Secondly, stop arguing. It's really immature and there are other ways of expressing what you want or of getting what you want. (Do you really want your child to hear these arguments?)

Thirdly, continue with the counselling. Use this as the forum where you can express your anger and disappointment.

Make a chocie. A mature one. Tell your husband you need help with the housework and your child. Don't yell, scream or demand. Just let him quietly know that everything needs to change and that he must take responsibility. Tell him you're willing to accept half the responsibility, but that from now on you do it together, as a couple. Tell him he has to stop arguing with you and that it's time for him to grow up.

Yes, the situation is hard and you've both got more than you bargained for, but you also have a child and that child deserves to grow up in a peaceful, loving environment.

Then both of you do your absolute best to create that environment. It's nearly the new year - make that your resolution for 2010.