[fisk]

This is a semi-sexuality question and a semi-friendship question. Mods, feel free to move it.
This is going to be very long but it basically sums up to this: Do I have the right to tell people how I feel about the way they think about sex and what they do?
I have a really good friend who was a virgin up until a few months ago, when she decided to sleep with a guy who was just a friend to get it over with and not be a virgin anymore. Before this, she was almost depressed for like a year because she wanted to be in a relationship (and have sex). She used to say she felt like such a loser for being a virgin and she wanted to love someone, she was ready for it etc. Anyway, I was the complete opposite, I didn’t care about being a virgin, waited for my guy, and he did come, I’ve been with him for a year now. When I first told her about him her attitude against me changed. She told me she still hadn’t gotten over the fact that she was still a virgin and all that, and that she wanted to know as little as possible about me and my boyfriend. So basically, I wasn’t able to share the most important thing that had ever happened to me with a person that I had supported so much when she was going through a very rough time. I was obviously very hurt.
I was quite critical of her when she told me about her first time (which ended up being a sort of ‘sex buddy’ situation, he didn’t and still doesn’t want to be in a relationship but she fell in love with him and kept sleeping with him, knowing he didn’t want anything more) and she took it in a very wrong way, we ended up having a fight about it. Since then, we talk but not very frequently, and I just can’t seem to be at ease with her anymore because 1) I still feel very disappointed about how she wasn’t able to be happy for me (even though I respected her emotions and pulled away too for a while, never mentioning my boyfriend) and 2) I don’t ‘approve’(wrong word, can’t think of another one) of the way she sees sex now. Just to clarify the last part, she still sleeps with his guy who doesn’t want a relationship, and she told me she uses the pull-out method(! ) and had no idea you can get pregnant with pre-. (he’s also not done any STD tests). Also, she slept with one more guy once, she knew him for some weeks and they were just flirting…
So, I’m in a real dilemma here. Do I have the right to tell her that I feel that she will regret this? That for me sex is not just physical, it should be emotional. That for me, it’s also a matter of dignity, you don’t just sleep around with any guy who wants you to do so. You share love. It’s something that comes after building a relationship. I’m not saying you should wait for a month, but at least, have *something* with that guy. I’m not sure this attitude is not something she will regret. It all just seems so naïve…unprotected sex, sleeping with someone you don’t know that well, it sounds like something a 15 year old would do, and we’re in our twenties.
I just don’t want it to sound like a ‘look at meeee I’m in a relationship, he loves me I love him, you don’t have anything and you sleep around like a w****’. It’s not at all that. I love her and want the best for her, and I feel like she’s on the wrong path (?if you can say that).
Would you have said anything or just stayed silent? It’s her choice in the end, but do I have the right to tell her how I feel about it?

To anyone who reads all this and replies, thank you so much!

[CravenMorhead]

You're in the states, or at least I assume so. You have the right to say anything you want. Just as we have the right to ignore you or tell you what we think of your opinion and where you can stick it in graphic detail and three part harmony.

I think you should talk to her about the basic health aspects of. She has been VERY lucky she hasn't gotten pregnant. She is also very lucky that she hasn't gotten a strange disease. (Damn it I got Prozzac running through my head now!) These are about the only things you can tell her. Keep her safe physically.

As to the rest of it. She is your friend and I appreciate that it hurts you to see this, but people need to learn from their mistakes and you can't stop them from making mistakes by giving them your life experiences. To be frank I don't think it is any of your business what she does and who she sleeps with.

That being said, it sounds like she was a little jealous of you when you got a BF and felt like you were flaunting the fact that you could get a BF and she couldn't. We all do that when we start a new relationship, we can't shut up about how awesome our SO is. You never really saw this from her perspective. The most important thing in your life was lower her self-esteem and inspiring internal self-hatred.

You had a right to feel how you feel. The question is, were you feeling hurt for the right reasons. Why do you need her validation of your relationship? I don't think that she wasn't happy for you, but was disappointed in herself because she couldn't do that. I think you're mistake one emotion for anther in this case.

So, what right did you have to be critical of her? Her life. Her decisions. You thoughts and feelings on love, relationships, and sex are your own. They don't matter a good god damn to her, nor should they.

As well it is looking like you're not defining yourself as yourself any more, but you're defining yourself as So-and-So's Boyfriend. She could be seeing that you're not you any more.

She is on her path, let her walk it. Best thing you can do, after you have the sex talk with her.

My opinion and as I suggested in my opening paragraph, you can take it or discard it as you wish.

[JudyKayTee]

Do you have the "right" to tell her about sex, her sex life or anything else? Sure, it's a free country with freedom of speech.

Should you lecture her? Probably not. Should you talk to her? If you are concerned, yes.

Is she lucky she's not pregnant or doesn't have some STD - probably, if she isn't/doesn't and simply isn't aware.

Do you have the right to impose your moral beliefs on her or bash her over the head with them? No.

Your version of "sharing love" may very well be my version of sex outside of marriage being very wrong.

It's all in the eyes of the beholder.

[liz28]

I think you should mind your business because she doesn't want to hear what you going to see anyway. You voice your opinon to her already and she didn't like at and two of you had a blowout behind it.

I know that part of being a friend is being honest with them even when the truth might hurt them and even when they don't want to hear it. However, you did this already and she didn't want to hear it.

Also, I know you want to share things with your friend but you don't have to share everything. What goes on between the sheets with you and your man should stay between the two of you. You don't have to give her details about your sex life.

She might be looking for love in all the wrong places but she have to willing to come to term with that. It is good you try to inform about her sex but it went in one ear and out the other. Sadly, some people have to learn the hard way and even then they don't learn.

[fisk]

Thanks everyone!
I'm not in the States, but where I live we still have freedom of speech. Just to reply to cravenmorhead, maybe she was indeed happy for me. The thing is, as I said, she went through some really tough times, and I honestly spent so much time with her, I really was there for her and I don't regret it at all. I was just expecting it to be mutual, it wasn't and it took me a very long time to accept that.
You're right in how I shouldn't impose my beliefs on her, but I thought these were her own beliefs too, up until I found a boyfriend before she did... then she completely changed. I guess it's not so much about what she does now, it's about how different it is to what she thought was right before. But then again, it's also her own right feel differently about things.
All this comes from the fact that I don't want to see her hurt. But I will take your advice and just give her a talk about sex, what she should be careful about, etc. And let her live her own life hoping she won't get herself into too much of a mess.

[smoothy]

You may have the right to say what you feel, but the flip side to that is keep in mind they also have the right to basically tell you where to stuff it... (trying to keep it clean).

Remember that there are repercussions to actions and what you say, so you have to temper that with knowing you can destroy a friendship... or anger others. Sometimes its worth it to bring up, othertimes it isn't. There is no one right anwer... and there can be many wrong ones. You have to judge them based on knowing the other person... and sometimes even doing the right thing for the right resons can turn a friend against you. In the end you have to do what you think is right, but also to accept whatever happens, no matter how it turns out.

[Homegirl 50]

You also stated that you were dealing with some hurt feelings of your own, several times, so you might want to make sure your motives are pure that you are coming to her in the right frame of mind. You were quite critical of her in her first time so she may not want to hear anything you have to say.

When she told you about them using the pull-out method, the guy not having been tested for STD and having sex with this other guy, did you talk about safety to her then?
If you guys are not on good terms now, you probably should keep your thoughts to yourself.

[fisk]

When she told you about them using the pull-out method, the guy not having been tested for STD and having sex with this other guy, did you talk about safety to her then?
If you guys are not on good terms now, you probably should keep your thoughts to yourself.

Actually we are in good terms.. I mean I might not be 100 percent at ease with her,we're not having 'deep' conversations; but still, we're OK.
I did talk to her then, but I just mentioned that it's not a contraceptive method... we didn't really have time. That's why I want to mention it again at some point. She really must understand the dangers behind having unprotected sex with a guy who sleeps with other people too. I really hope she has been lucky so far :(

[Homegirl 50]

I think you should only have that talk with her if she brings it up, otherwise she is going to take it as you judging her.
You said you guys don't have deep conversations and you are not 100% at ease with her.
The conversation you are describing is a deep one, and one you should feel comfortable discussing with her. If your friendship is not on that level, keep it to yourself.

[ZoeMarie]

I'm going against the grain on this one. I think you should talk to her, not about morals or anything but about the dangers in having unprotected sex. Has no one talked to her about this at all? Whether she will listen is definitely another story, but you will feel better if you talk to her, especially down the road if something happens. You won't be kicking yourself for not warning her. Just don't be judgmental about it. Showing concern is one thing, but pushing your beliefs on someone else is another.

[fisk]

Thanks everyone for your answers! I did talk to her yesterday, only because she mentioned something about it so I took the opportunity. She took it well, listened to what I said, and said she would take it into account and never do it again. I didn't say anything about how she sees sex etc, on the contrary, she 'explained' herself to me!

I feel so much better :)