[Dlaine]

I am confused and not sure why. I am going threw a divorce with a man that I loved deepley. He made me feel safe and showed me love just by his hands being so soft. And his soft gentle kisses. He treated me so well and gave me the world.

My storie goes like this

I meet him in Tx were I am from we starting dating and came to my house was very good to me and my kids. Fast forward fell deep in love.

My exhusband did not like the fact that I was dating so one night he came and kicked in my back door.

My husband today decided that I was not in a safe place and asked me if I wanted to move to LA with him so I did.
I packed up my things and moved left college and started a new life in LA away from my ex that was at the time all cracked out and did know hiss a** from his head.

Got to LA and everything was good My husband bought us a nice nice home and was a hard worker that gave me a sense that I had a good good man.

Months latter after moving he told me that he was convicted of child mulstation. Told me his version that it was not true. That his ex wife was just being a bit*** and was setting him up..

I loved him so I believed him..

A year and half latter we got married... every thing was great kids good at least I thought .

One day my oldest came to me and told me that my husband that I am in process of divorcing was touching her. Shortley after my other daughter told me the same.
I called law and dectective. He was arrested and going to court.

I moved out but needed help from my exhusband... So I called him and told him the storie of how myhusband was hurting our girls.

He came downed and helped us move... He has changed so much.

My exhusband at one time was bad in to drugs just as I was but he beat me... for years.
Stole from me and my children to get his fix... I have been sober for years now
That is the reason I divorced him do to the fact of just not getting his act together and stop using drugs.

Any how now my ex is in my life. I have told him that I want to take things slow at my pace cause I have already been hurt serval times by him and that I am hurting from my husband at this time.

Some days I can not stop thinking of my husband all the good times we had.

On the other hand I pray for him and his stick mind.

Some times I want to get close to my ex but some time I can't stand him. I can remember all the pain he has caused me.
I have forgave him or first and foremost he would never be in my life again.

I just don't have the urge to be romantic or any kind of activitey.

He has moved in to my place stays on the couch and honstley we have not had sex
Some times he sleep in my bed but I do not want any thing more.
He has waited for me all these years about 3 while I was gone living a nother life.

I guess my question is

Why do I not want to get close to him
Sometimes I fell I just want to have life on myown

I do love him but I can't seem to find that love I use to have for him will I ever get it back

I have got with him when I was 16 and had 3 of his children.

He does love me I am just confused and have my walls up am I wrong should I let them down? Should I love this man

Thank you for any advice Have a Bless day

[QLP]

Your first husband beat you. Now he says he has changed but how can you be sure the change is permanent? I would be very wary of that personally.

You trusted your second husband and he turned out to be a child molestor.

No wonder you can't trust your ex who is back in your life. I'm not sure you should. If anything you have been too trusting up to now.

Get yourself some counselling and work through all this. You have been through an awful lot and you need to get your own head sorted out before you even think about rekindling things with your first husband again, or anyone else for that matter.

[Dlaine]

Your first husband beat you. Now he says he has changed but how can you be sure the change is permanent? I would be very wary of that personally.

You trusted your second husband and he turned out to be a child molestor.

No wonder you can't trust your ex who is back in your life. I'm not sure you should. If anything you have been too trusting up to now.

Get yourself some counselling and work through all this. You have been through an awful lot and you need to get your own head sorted out before you even think about rekindling things with your first husband again, or anyone else for that matter.

I thank you for your comment. I am so glade you took the time to write me. I will seek counsling.

[sully123]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You just picked two wrong men! You need to get your own life in order with your children, and stay away from them both. Sorry, but your first husband isn't going to change from beating you, that is horrible. The husband you are divorcing is horrible too. Get away from both of them!

[Dlaine]

I am soo sorry for what you are going through. You just picked two wrong men! You need to get your own life in order with your children, and stay away from them both. Sorry, but your first husband isn't going to change from beating you, that is horrible. The husband you are divorcing is horrible too. Get away from both of them!

I think you for your support but I think you are wrong about my first husband. Yes he was horrible at one time,, That was a time when drugs was taking over his life. And he was not the True person that he is when he is clean like he his today..

People said all the time when I did drugs that I would never get sober and change. They were looking at me in eyes that peaple can NEVER chang they were WRONG..

I have been clean and sober for years now . And I have gained a lot of RESPECT from those people.

People do chang and he has a lot I guess it sometimes take losing everything you ever loved to be the person he is today.

I do still have some of my wall up cause I do not want to be hurt.
Although I am going to recognize the change in him.

[talaniman]

As a recoverying person, I agree with you, but jumping back with someone is more than just being sober, and it's a bad idea to focus so much on him because he looks better now than when he was married to you.

Stay single and keep your own path to growth and happiness, and just observe how he reconnects and treats his children. You both owe them that, being good parents. The rest will become clear in time so don't be in any hurry to jump back into the frying pan.

A sad fact that recovering people neglect to think about is that being clean and sober is not mean being better as all to often an abuser, is just a clean and sober abuser, until he has proven that over TIME he has WORKED to change it, and sorry, even I know better than to just take the word of a recoverying person, over actual proof through TIME, and ACTIONS.

There is no hurry. Keep your walls up for as long as need be.

[QLP]

Got to spread the rep but I agree with talaniman.

Yes people can change, but they also say they have when they haven't.
Someone can get clean and stay clean but still have anger-management problems.

Maybe the fact that people were slow to trust that you had really changed makes you more than willing to trust others, when in fact a little bit of holding back until they have proved they are trustworthy might be wise.

Be careful that you aren't projecting onto him your own situation. Good for you for sorting yourself out. We can't assume that he hasn't done the same. You can't assume he has. Please give it time and take care of you and your girls for now.

[Dlaine]

As a recoverying person, I agree with you, but jumping back with someone is more than just being sober, and its a bad idea to focus so much on him because he looks better now than when he was married to you.

Stay single and keep your own path to growth and happiness, and just observe how he reconnects and treats his children. You both owe them that, being good parents. The rest will become clear in time so don't be in any hurry to jump back into the frying pan.

A sad fact that recovering people neglect to think about is that being clean and sober is not mean being better as all to often an abuser, is just a clean and sober abuser, until he has proven that over TIME he has WORKED to change it, and sorry, even I know better than to just take the word of a recoverying person, over actual proof thru TIME, and ACTIONS.

There is no hurry. Keep your walls up for as long as need be.

I thank you for your time and I do agree with you. I have been watching and seeing how he reacts when things don't allways goes as planned.
I will continue to watch and wait.
Believe me I am not rushing things. I have to get my head stright before I rekindle old flames. Time will tell. I am fouced on my children.
I however like to spend time with him more than I have ever we are more like friends than anything.

I am new to this website but I do like it a lot and would llike to know how I might could add you to my friend list if you do not mind.

We both seem to have went down the same path and know that recovery is not easy.
Once again I do thank you for your time and input

Have a Bless day

[Kitkat22]

I thank you for your time and I do agree with you. I have been watching and seeing how he reacts when things dont allways goes as planned.
I will continue to watch and wait.
Believe me I am not rushing things. I have to get my head stright before I rekindle old flames. Time will tell. I am fouced on my children.
I however like to spend time with him more than I have ever we are more like friends than anything.

I am new to this website but I do like it alot and would llike to know how I might could add you to my friend list if you do not mind.

We both seem to have went down the same path and know that recovery is not easy.
Once again I do thank you for your time and input

Have a Bless day

I'm so sorry for your pain... Right now you need to concentrate on your
Children. They have been through a horrible experience that will never
Be forgotten. How about trying to live your life without a man for a while? In my opinion a man or woman who abuses a child should be strung up. They cannot be rehabilitaed... Having said that, I now say this
Spousal abuse is no walk in the park and you are setting yourself up to repeat the same old pattern.

You're ex husband may have changed, but I don't believe someone who beats his wife will ever change... They just bide their time until you're lulled into a sense of safety. I've lived it and I know. I was smart enough to get out. Don't put your children through anymore pain because of the bad choices you make.

[Dlaine]

Got to spread the rep but I agree with talaniman.

Yes people can change, but they also say they have when they haven't.
Someone can get clean and stay clean but still have anger-management problems.

Maybe the fact that people were slow to trust that you had really changed makes you more than willing to trust others, when in fact a little bit of holding back until they have proved they are trustworthy might be wise.

Be careful that you aren't projecting onto him your own situation. Good for you for sorting yourself out. We can't assume that he hasn't done the same. You can't assume he has. Please give it time and take care of you and your girls for now.

I agree with you

I love all the advice I have been getting. I love this web site
I have lots of stories to share and lots of advice to give all well

When I get on this site and read alll the hurt and situtation that people or going threw it helps me to know that I might can help them in some small way just as you helped me,

Everyone has a storie and everyone has pain .

I fell like I can get on this site and just spill my guts and get advice true I might not like.But than again it might help me if I just stop and read and take that advice I don't like.

Than I keep reading and I get some good knowledge that I can use in my own life.

Thank you for your time
Have a bless day

[Kitkat22]

You can find great help here... The experts and members are wonderful. You keep posting and we'll help you through this... Blessings... Kit