[give2me1lemons]

I just turned 19 a couple weeks ago and am still a virgin. By virgin I mean never had sex, never been naked with a guy, never been touched, never even been kissed. Absolutely nothing. I turned down the guys that noticed me and wanted to date me because I didn't have feelings for them.

Now I asked this guy I met online if he would take my virginity. He's twice my age (38), and he says he no longer knows how many women he has had sex with. He says he has never had a pregnancy scare, and he routinely has himself checked for STIs. He is very, very open and comfortable with his sexuality and is a freak about using protection properly and breaking taboos about sex. I found all this out about him before I asked him, by the way.

He's also been adamant that we talk and get to know each other first--we've still barely touched on any details. He says we have to spend time hanging out first that day as well to make sure we are both still on board. If I had my way, we would have just had sex and parted ways without even knowing each other's last name.

I guess I expect people to think I am stupid/naive, rushing things, and likely going to regret this. I really feel like I just want sex and that if I wait, I will be an old, asexual virgin someday. It's probably really pointless for me to ask this. Still, I am curious what anyone thinks, and there is a small possibility I haven't thought of everything. Any thoughts or advice?

[JoeCanada76]

This is very foolish. Why the rush your only 19. It will not be meaningful and you could very well pick up aids, hiv and or heb b , etc. Just because somebody says they are clean does not mean they are. You need to counseling for sure.

You have your whole life ahead of you. This should be the least of your concern right now. Focus on career or schooling or job. Do not lower yourself to hooker status.

There is nothing wrong being a virgin, even if your in your mid 20's or late 20's or even 30's. What should be more important to you is finding that special someone that you plan on being with and exploring each other with and growing with each other.

You go through with this, I guarantee you will feel dirty and more lost and you will regret this for the rest of your life.

[Synnen]

Oh, lord.

You're only (YES! ONLY! ) 19!

You have PLENTY of time to meet the right guy, and have incredible sex with him

If you go off with this guy from the internet--not only are you taking HORRIBLE risks, you're probably not going to enjoy the sex at all, since sex is more mental than physical anyway.

How about trying to DATE a guy, first?

I guarantee that if you LIVE to regret this, you WILL regret it.

[aimee_tt]

I just talked my 21 year old friend from losing her virginity to a guy she barely knew. She also felt like she had waited for too long and just wanted it.

I told her to wait... That its not the fact that she hasn't had sex. It's that she hasn't been that close to anyone. She would feel terrible after, when she finds the right guy and couldn't give him her virginity.

You don't need to have sex. She ended up going out to a club picking up a guy who was a friend of a friend and had a good pash and a rub up againts each other.
That's all she needed.

I think you just want the closeness. Keep looking for a guy. There is one out there closer to your age. Your only young don't stress. I got my first boyfriend at 18. My sister was about 22 when she got her first boyfriend...

Go out with friends and have good times!

[QLP]

Things you may not have considered:

You don't know this guy, the way people portray themselves on the internet may be nothing like their real persona. He could be a creep, a loser, a serial killer for all you know. He could be married.

Contraception is not always effective. Imagine this results in a child who will one day grow up and ask about their father. Imagine having that conversation.

In a few weeks or months you might meet a really great guy who you can have the whole package with. Instead of your first time being with someone special you will have the memory of a one night stand with a stranger in your head when you get it together for real.

You have turned guys away because you don't have feelings for them yet are prepared to jump into bed with a guy you haven't even met. These aren't real feelings you have for this guy, you are trying to live out a fantasy here with him.

You need to ask yourself what it is that is stopping you actually getting to know guys in real life so that you are chasing a fantasy instead. If you can't work out the answer to that then do consider seeing a therapist who can help you work it out.

[give2me1lemons]

When I originally asked him, the risk was half the appeal. Except now that I've asked him and talk to him, I am met with someone rational who takes things very slow--maybe even too slow. The fact that I asked him and that he's up front about things most people would deny, that he isn't rushing anything, makes me trust him. He doesn't need me, I need him.

I mess things up with guys that I like, so at this point I'm not bothering with a relationship until I get my s*** together. However, I really want to know sex. I feel uncomfortable when people talk dirty or about their experiences because it's like they can see right through me. I feel vulnerable and not taken seriously. I feel like sex would shed the cutesy, innocent image and give me back some of my confidence. Also, I'm worried my family thinks I'm either outcast or gay because I've never dated. They've joked about me being gay. I feel like people can tell whether you're a virgin or not by the way you carry yourself, though I realize sex wouldn't automatically make me confident. I just think it would boost myself esteem a little.

Then the fact that he's an older guy helps because he won't be immature, he's bound to be less judgemental, and I'm hoping it guarantees he will know how to make it enjoyable for both of us. He doesn't see virginity as valuable, so I wouldn't be some conquest and he wouldn't think he won anything or had something over me. Also, I feel like I could become more experienced faster because he is so experienced.

I'm the last of my friends to be kissed and the last of my closest friends to have sex. I'm afraid it will take too long to get myself together and meet a great guy, and I do not want to pass up on an opportunity and become a really old virgin. Besides, if he was such a great guy, he wouldn't care about my past, right?

I never wanted to be with one partner my entire life anyway, so does it really make a difference if the first one is special? I've heard that I'm supposed to develop some attachment to whoever my first is too, but I don't see that happening either.

[Synnen]

"really old", huh? Like what? 22?

Can you get YOURSELF off? Do you masturbate?

If not, you've got a rude surprise in wait for you when you have sex. EVERY woman is different, and if you don't know how to get yourself off, you're not going to be able to help someone ELSE get you off.

I think you're doing this for ALL the wrong reasons, and that you should find a better way to boost your self-esteem.

I think you should ALSO figure out why you mess things up with guys you date, because I'm betting it's at least partially deliberate.

See a counselor, not a guy you met online who's twice your age and has a different point of view on life than you do.

[slapshot_oi]

In your (OP) defense, you should be allowed to live life by your own rules without opposition.

A stranger you met online is a little hard to swallow, but I have known people who have done it quite a few times and they're still breathing. My advice, if you're going to go through with this, carry mace with you.

[JoeCanada76]

First of all, she is doing it because what. She is the last one to be kissed. So what.

She is doing it because people made fun of her and told her she is gay, so what.

Should it really matter what anybody else thinks?

I did not lose mine until I was in my late 20's. People used to tease me or make fun of me or think I was gay. So what. I started late.

You know what, I waited, and eventually I was with somebody that I wanted to be with and you know what it was better that way.

Afraid of taking too long, why? Your ONLY 19 and very immature for your age. Your only going to have the wrong impression about sex, and it WILL ruin you.

[Cat1864]

Having sex isn't going to transform you into another person. If anything it will highlight what you don't like about yourself and magnify each imperfection you think you have. Using yourself and someone else as sex toys (that's what you are doing if there are no emotions attached) will not do anything to make you feel better about yourself.

People will talk no matter what you do. Do you want them to speculate about your being gay or a slut (a word I happen to hate)? What do you think they would say if you turned up pregnant because Mr. Internet's record of safety was broken?

Confidence comes from inside. It comes from accepting yourself as you are and not what others think of you. It comes from you knowing that you are equal to anyone and everyone. It does not come from losing your virginity, getting breast implants, etc. Those only mask the underlying issues of doubting yourself.

You want confidence: Get involved in things that make you feel good about who you are as a person. Volunteer, go to school, do well at work, etc.

Build a healthy relationship with yourself. Look in the mirror in your own mind and see how wonderful you are. Find validation in yourself instead of others. If you give it to yourself no one else can take it away.

You shouldn't even be contemplating having sex until you have your life together enough to date (anyone of any age-preferably someone with more maturity than to think jumping in the sack is the sole reason for any relationship). Go through the natural progression of a relationship. Enjoy the journey. Take a cruise instead of an express flight.

As has been said, you can't believe everything someone tells you on the Internet. He could be married with children and looking for a bit tail on the side. He could be a Dominant looking for a Submissive and you could find yourself in the deep end of a pool you didn't even know existed. He could be a serial abuser looking for a new target. He could be 16 years old and reading Letters to Penthouse. 'He' could be 84 and a woman.

[Jeha]

Okthe first poin that I want ot make clear is that yo are 19 and he is 38 big age difference, if anything find someone in your age group, I'm also 19, so I know exactly what you are feeling, but I think you have no need to rush, exspeciall wit a man twice your age. Work hard for a real relationship. Don't try to get things done the eazy (dangerous) way. Every one has a time to enjoy themselves wit some one just wait for that time. Don't rush the inevitable.

[fisk]

I kind of understand the way you feel. I've felt the pressure of being a virgin at 23, the last one out of my friends not to have done it. And I wanted to live it, I was so curious and just couldn't wait to see how it feels, what it's like etc. But I didn't let myself go with a stranger or someone with whom I wasn't in a relationship with. And I don't regret it because I met my boyfriend a year ago. And he didn't mind that I was a virgin, on the contrary.

Of course, it's your life, your decisions. I have a friend who did what you did and completely regreted it, I know of someone else who did and said she was happy she got to 'see what its like' before sharing it with a guy she really cared about.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can say that having sex is not just about the act in itself, it's about a connection with a person, a loving relationship that leads to sex... And your first time could be with someone like that. Why spoil it?

(And I agree with everyone else that says that it's also dangerous).

[jenniepepsi]

My advice to you would be calm down, don't rush it. It will happen when it happens, and its not a good thing to rush into.

A good idea, being that you are over 18 now, would be to go to a sex shop. Get yourself some toys that may help you get that release that your body is naturally and subconsciously searching for. That's mainly what it is. Your body knows its grown, and knows it WANTS that release. But you yourself need to think what is best for you. And at this age, you don't have to run off and have sex. Wait for the right time, with the right guy. It will be so much better for you if you do.

[give2me1lemons]

I don't even know what to say. I am just sick of waiting. I feel like I'm missing out. And yes, I do want closeness, but how many one night stands are strictly cuddling? I could save my first kiss for this "right guy", maybe. I kind of feel like that is supposed to be innocent.

I do not believe this guy is dangerous at all. I think if anything, I'm the bad guy in this scenario. Everything I know about him and his picture mesh. Either way, I could meet him in public. If he's an 84 year old woman or a 16 year old boy, I think I would know, and I could probably take him. I'm most concerned I won't find him attractive and/or change my mind last minute.

I could demand he gets tested, and he would have to wear a condom. I was on birth control until my prescription ran out, but I intend to go back on it. And I do know what feels good for me, at least.

I do work now, and one of the cashiers told me today that I was a "great person and great worker". I also found out today the school I want to go to wants me to join the honors program because my gpa is high enough or whatever. I am forcing myself to be social again, too, so I went to some campfire tonight with my friend and a bunch of people I don't know. Which some guy joked about me not wanting him to eat me (canibalism) and some other guy remarked about how most girls do and th first guy told him to shut up. And later they said I must be traumatized listening to them swear and joking about raping each other (the guys). I don't know how to turn off my innocence or whatever it is.

I mess things up with guys I like mainly by forcing them to see how messed up I am and basically tell them I'm not good enough for them.. in so many words. A lot of times the guys I'm interested in are taken or probably taken so I ignore them and am sometimes mean. It doesn't matter because it's pointless for me to pursue anyone until I figure myself out.

I don't know.

[JoeCanada76]

You were given all the advice. It is obvious your deaf to it. Best of luck in your life. I hope you do not mess it up more by ruining something that should be special. You defiantly need major counseling and yes your very immature for your age. Wish there was some way to get things through to you, but some people just have to mess up in order to learn the hard way. Thinking that is going to be you.

Please PROVE me wrong.

[aimee_tt]

You say you could save your first kiss...

So you think this guy is just going to want to stick his penis in you and not kiss you to get into the mood?

Also you say you can meet him in a public place... That doesn't mean when you go back to his or the hotel he won't have someone waiting there to possibly rape you or worse...

People even go missing in public places. He could be a 60 yr old man that waits for you to show up at the place your going to meet.. He doesn't show up but watches from a distance. Then when you leave and are out of the busy areas he could grab you.

Do you really want to risk it? I mean any 38 yr old who wants to have sex with a 19 yr old doesn't seem like someone id trust.

[JK191]

You know what?

I actually only lost my virginity when I was in my late 18's. Thing is, while you do feel desperate and think that's the reason you're awkward, I wouldn't say it is. I've found out some friends of mine who are in their 20s still are virgins but they're nowhere near awkward or innocent.

If you think that popping your cherry will magically change you, I will assure you it will not.

I have another friend as well, she was the most innocent girl you could know, dirty jokes would leave her uncomfortable or she wouldn't understand them. Thing is, these days, that gal actually joins in the dirty jokes but she's still a virgin. Why did she change? Mostly because our "dirtyness" (for lack of a better word) rubbed off on her.

What I'm trying to say is, if you want to look less innocent and less awkward you need to socialize more and get yourself into different conversations with people who aren't.

As a last bit of advice, I would like you to just do the following. Wait one or two months and highly consider what you want to do, consider that you may come to regretting it a lot latter on.

I think I've been through (even if not on the same scale) and I'd have to say that if I had just didn't do it with someone I loved and trusted it wouldn't have been as good or as special and even if I'm not together with that person anymore, I still cherish the moment.

Good luck give2me1lemons.

EDIT: Oh and just in case you need to see just how messed up I am, feel free to check this topic: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/person...up-465284.html
Believe me, you aren't the only one :)

[give2me1lemons]

Well the first step in being able to have a relationship was to have a life. Because what guy would be interested in a very average looking girl with no special quirks or talent, some issues, who sits home alone and might not go outside her front door for a week or more. So I got a license and a job and started to make myself accept invites and go places.

Next is to make myself less average, but I HATE standing out. I won't even wear makeup because I think it will shock people and make them think I'm being deceitful because I never have before. I just wear jeans and a graphicless top and my hair is always the same. I own three pairs of shoes. I never had money to splurge and now I'm afraid to do much with the money I make--assuming I even knew what I would want to wear.

Then there's my issues and they will take a while and maybe a professional to sort out. Or maybe confidence will solve everything, but that will take some time too.
-------------------------------------
I've been talking to him at least three months, and I was aware of him much longer. I can't understand why he would rape someone or pull any stunts with someone who is giving themselves freely, knowing things that would send a lot of girls running (like his high number of partners). I could always be the one who watches across the street, and as far as kissing, it doesn't have to be on my lips, right?

So thanks everyone for the input, and now I have a little more to think about. If the "right guy" at least makes an appearance in August, I definitely won't go through with it. I'm going to school in his state, so I have at least that long to be sure. Unless he agrees to meet next week when I'm there for orientation, but I doubt it seriously.

[J_9]

Your plan is just wrong. Very BAD idea. You say you know this guy, but you don't. I promise you that you don't. We all say things over the internet to get people to like us, doesn't necessarily mean it's true. Predators are all over the internet. They know how to lure innocent girls like you in. You are their prey.

Whether he's tested clean or not, you still run the risk of pregnancy. This will tie you to him for the rest of your life. Yes, condoms, yes birth control pills, but these fail. There are members here who have used 3, yes THREE forms of birth control and still got pregnant. Contrary to popular belief, you can get pregnant your first time.

As for the "cannibalism" remark... that's not the kind of eating he was talking about apparently.

This man you are thinking of is 38. That means he was 19 when you were born. Think about having sex with a newborn baby... that's what it's like to him. He is twice your age. He's a pervert plain and simple.

[cindychick06]

Hey I know how you feel. I was 18 and in my senior year of high school and everyone made fun of me for being a virgin, but you know what I made the mistake of following the crowd and having sex and I DO regret it! Very very much so. You hold something sacred right now. And I'm sure you are curious and want to know what it's like but I would have to agree with the rest of them, you don't want to do it for the wrong reasons, because honestly in the end you keep talking about GETTING CONFIDENCE from it but if you do it this way, honestly in the end don't you think your going to loose confidence... anyone can go out and find a random stranger to have sex with it's not hard and I think in the end it will make you feel worse about yourself rather than better... so do you think you owe it to yourself to find someone who actually cares and gives a damn about you instead of just some random person you don't know. Nobody can judge you, especially me like I said I've been there and I wish I had waited because once you give it up, chances are that's all men are going to want, and you will most likely continue to give it up trying to find someone who will care about you and not just want sex, and that's not easy. So I wish you luck and hope you change your mind! Wait for someone who loves and cares about you, you are worth that much for sure!