[Stumbler9]

Hello:

I wasn't sure whether to post this in Relationships or Sexuality. But here goes.

I'm 21. I've been with 3 guys ( 2 of which were random sexual things, one of which is the man I'm with now who I'm very much in love with).

Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly 2 years. We have a great relationship, we're loving and have a wonderful time together. We're very honest about nearly everything (the only thing I haven't talked to him about is the issue in this post), and we trust each other. We both want to get married eventually and have kids and we know that we want to grow old together.

Now, I feel like an awful person for even struggling with this, and like I must be just a complete whore.
But I've been struggling a LOT with desires to "hang out" with one of the guys I had previous relations with. He was my first, and it was a random hookup, and it was INCREDIBLE. And then a while back when me and my boyfriend were on break we had a night together again, and it was incredible as well. So lately I've been fighting off a lot of thoughts and desires for this guy, and I just can't seem to get rid of them.

I feel awful because, what kind of girl is in an amazing, beautiful relationship with a man who rubs her feet everyday, tells her how beautiful she is, gives her all his love, and is thinking about effing the guy from her past who is an incredible sexual connection but not so much an emotional one?

So I did something really stupid and contacted the guy, we'll call him Dave. I emailed Dave about my feelings and confusion, and now he's been texting up a storm to me, trying to convince me to hook up with him. He seems to think I can just cheat on my boyfriend and "nobody needs to know" , etc.

Now, a huge part of me wants to hook up with Dave again. The sex is, just, mindblowing. And I've only been with him 2 times and I feel that way. But I can't imagine cheating on my boyfriend, the guilt would drive me insane. I also can't imagine breaking up with him just so I can bang this guy.

I know I should just talk to my boyfriend, but I'm embaressed and I feel awful. I should be fulfilled by him and him alone. What's wrong with me? I know I have self esteem issues and maybe this has something to do with that.

A part of me is worried that if I just stay with my boyfriend, we'll get married in the next few years and I'll live my life regretting not having more fun as a young person. Starting tied down too soon.

But then again, the connection and love me and my boyfriend have is just amazing and I never want to lose that.

Now, I know I'm that person that most of you think is just a slimeball and that my boyfriend probably deserves way better. But I know I can't be the only one who's struggled with something like this. I have to make a choice between young person hot sex and possibly losing the greatest relationship I can imagine, and my best friend, or keeping this relationship and giving up young irrational sex.
I guess the choice seems pretty obvious, that the smart thing to do is stop talking to Dave and move on and try my hardest in this relationship. But it's so hard when you throw the desires and lust in there.
OH by the way, sex with my boyfriend is good too, it's very loving and I enjoy it a lot, but it's just not as animalistic/hot/i need you now to do me.

Is there anyone who can tell me, do they regret not having more fun as a young person? Or is it more about finding a person who loves you and you can love back and hanging on to it?

Try to not be too mean, I know I'm a crappy person for even considering this and struggling with it.
:(

[Wondergirl]

I know I'm a crappy person for even considering this and struggling with it.

I'm 64 and often, throughout my life, have had the same thoughts. In fact, I had them while falling asleep last night. I was a virgin when I got married and have often wondered if I should have... well, you know... At least I don't have the agony of comparing two guys' styles of lovemaking, but I have lots of "I wish I would have had the nerve to..." (... back in the puritanical '60s before "free love").

Yet...

Who will you go home with at the end of the day? Who do you want to be with for the rest of your life? Will that great roll in the hay rub your feet or clean up the bathroom when you're sick with the flu or get up with the baby when he wakes up at 3 a.m. and cries inconsolably because of diaper rash and a stuffed up nose or who will wash and vacuum out your car before you wake up on Saturday mornings? I know whom I would choose -- and would not look back.

[CarrotTalker]

If its more "rough" sex you are looking for, how about telling your boyfriend what you want?

[Stumbler9]

Wondergirl: Awesome awesome advice. Everything you said is true, I know exactly who I need and who will do all those things for me and treat me like a princess. A roll in the hay would be fun, but it wouldn't cuddle me to sleep at night or comfort me when I'm sad. It's just tough when I have a really strong desire to do it. I've always been a very spontaneous, go with the flow and what you are feeling person, generally I do what I feel like I want to do, and that can be very dangerous and stupid. This is one of those things I'm so tempted to just do what I want and what feels good and yet I know its sooo wrong. And not going to make me happy in the end.

CarrotTalker: Yeah I definitely could talk to him about that. I'm actually being quite a whiner because my sex life with my boyfriend is AMAZING. And yet I find myself thinking about someone else and sex with them. It's sick.

[redhed35]

Have you considered spicing things up in the bedroom with your boyfriend?

Hot sex is just that hot sex,lust won't last.

Love lasts.

End of the day its up to you,don't feel bad about your disires,its when you act on them the problems start.

[Guapissima]

At 21, sex is everything, but the older you become, both in age years and emotional years you realise that it is only an expression of everything else that a relationship entails. If you are not emotionally mature enough to realise a good thing when you are onto one then text Dave. He neither respects you nor the relationship you are struggling to respect. I suggest that voice in your head that made you write this question already knows your answer.

[talaniman]

As long as you don't cross the lines of good behavior, you can fantasize about whatever you want.

Why do you think I have this silly grin on my face? You don't act on those fantasies with the object of them, though.

[friend4u178]

Losing a great Relationship seems like a damn high price to pay for a roll in the hay.

And a guy that will openly sleep with you knowing that your in happy relationship , for his own gratification , is a selfish creep.

[Synnen]

Look--you're going to have fantasies about different guys your ENTIRE life.

But--they're FANTASIES. The reality never measures up.

Stop texting Dave, and talk to your boyfriend about spicing up your bedroom a bit.

PS--I've been with my husband since I was 21. The ONLY thing I regret about that is that I've never lived on my own, and depended on only myself to make ends meet. That's the ONLY regret I have about not being single in my 20s. I CERTAINLY don't regret not being able to have sex with every Tom, Harry and Dave out there.

[florida007]

Sex is sex, love is love know the different. Then move forward with what you really want. (what you have is lust)

[positiveparent]

You can't have your cake and eat it, I would stick to the tried and true the other guy just wants another mans girl and will drop you like a hot cake as soon as someone he finds attractive comes along, why are you with this other guy to begin with? I would leave the past where it belongs, besides what happens when the passion fades and it will.

[Torrid13]

Bouncing off what Wondergirl said:

I would choose a stable, loving relationship with a man that I KNOW would take care of me over a couple months of mind-blowing sex with a guy who doesn't care any day.

I'm sure your loving boyfriend won't mind trying to brainstorm with you on how to improve your sexual relationship. In fact, I'm pretty sure he'll be stoked. Plus, it will help you grow closer.


Don't throw someone great away because of momentary boredom. You'd regret it forever. You have what most people would kill to have.

[jmjoseph]

I agree that you should give the foot rub guy some clue of how you like it. Get wild with him. Make him know that you are looking to get a lil' crazy.

I have to wonder if it's more than just hooking up with "Dave the love doctor". Is it that you are not meant to settle down with one person at an early age.

Please don't get me wrong, you have an amazing guy. I'm straight and he sounds great. Are you wanting more in life as a single, "spontaneous", person? BEFORE you become committed by a relationship?

You mentioned it for a reason.

I will tell you. I was not by any means a virgin when I got married. I was 37 years old. I knew that I did not want to settle down at an early age, and most definitely cheat on my wife. I ENJOYED MYSELF while I was single.

But now I am married to a wonderful woman, who lets me cook for her, rub her feet nightly, wash her car on Saturdays before she gets up...
And to whom I have not cheated on, and intend to keep faithful to. 11 years, and two boys, so far.

21 is young these days. Too young to get married with all there is to do for people that age. But some couples do pull it off.

Just think about what you are asking. Is it "Dave, keeper of the key", or is it the inner wild child, wanting more?

It was for me. And I have no regrets now. Well,. that's another post.

And by the way, you are neither "crappy", or "slutty".

You are being honest about how you feel.


Good luck.

[CarrotTalker]

Please don't get me wrong, you have an amazing guy. I'm straight and he sounds great. Are you wanting more in life as a single, "spontaneous", person? BEFORE you become committed by a relationship?

There's nothing wrong with having "spontaneous" monogamous sex with your partner.

Just because your in a relationship, doesn't mean the fire or passion has to fizzle.

[Torrid13]

And by the way, you are neither "crappy", or "slutty".

You are being honest about how you feel.


Good luck.

I'm glad you mentioned this, JM.

Everyone has feelings like this at one time or another. I think you're being way too hard on yourself. Do you have a wonderful guy? I would say YES! But also like JM said, things are different for settling down now. With so much freedom & so much to experience, it's hard for younger people to really want to settle down. But that doesn't mean that it can't be done, nor does it mean that younger people that aren't ready (or anyone at any age) is a "slutty" or "crappy" person for it, even if they are in a relationship with someone else.

Just stay true to yourself & be honest at all times. You'll figure out what is best the best road to take.

[Maddz311]

As long as you don't cross the lines of good behavior, you can fantasize about whatever you want.

Why do you think I have this silly grin on my face? You don't act on those fantasies with the object of them, though.

I have to disagree.

Anyway, I don't blame you for having your desires. I do think you should sit and talk to your boyfriend (not about how you feel about this other guy but) about how you want to spice things up in the bedroom and stuff like that that PP have said. I would take Love over Sex any day.

[MissLN]

Hello, I have been in a frighteningly similar situation like this. I was with my boyfriend for almost 2 years, we acted like an old married couple while being best friends and it was wonderful. I'll call my boyfriend (ex now) guy a, and the guy I had sexual fireworks with Dave for conveniance sake.

I had met dave before guy a and we had shared a few nights of amazing passion, and the most satisfying sex of my life until I met guy a who was his best friend. Eventually ended up dating guy a and warding off desire for Dave. This lasted maybe 7-8 months before I couldn't resist, and it was just as amazing as I had remembered. Problem with even saying to yourself 'i'll just do it once' is that unless you are a saint you will keep going back, especially if it was easy to get away with it

It is maybe 4 months since the relationship ended because of my 'affair'. I can't believe I hurt guy a so deeply, and did something so decietful and terrible and yet I still have the occasional night with 'dave'.

My advice would be to make a decision now about whether you want amazing sex occasionally, or a comfortable and fulfilling relationship? Because that is ultimately the choices you have in the long run and it will save you and your partner a lot of pain . Talking to your boyfriend about this may be hard but I wish I had of trusted him.

Don't take what I'm saying to indicate that I am a 'lying, cheater' who does this all the time. This was my first serious relationship and I did something completely out of character and against my morals.

I hope this helps you, and if you need more info I can send you my email address.. Be strong!

[ZoeMarie]

I have to make a choice between young person hot sex and possibly losing the greatest relationship i can imagine, and my best friend, or keeping this relationship and giving up young irrational sex.

To me this seems like a no brainer.

Or is it more about finding a person who loves you and you can love back and hanging on to it?

Absolutely it is!

[88sunflower]

I wonder how many other girls are out here thinking Dave is a hot rod in bed? If he so willingly wants you to cheat and he won't tell, do you think he doesn't have his fun else where? Not that he wants anything long term with you but doesn't it concern you what he might be carrying? I hope your using condoms because he just sounds like he might have his share of partners our there if he has no respect for your relationship.

I would take love over hot sex any day. Who is to say you leave your relationship for this Dave guy and the same hot sex every day, every day, every day... will eventually be routine and not so hot any more.

Why not stick with the love you already have and make that hotter. Just become that girl you were with Dave. No man is going to object making things a bit spicy in the bedroom. It is what you make it.

Maybe its hot to you because it's the "one night stand" feeling. Would it still feel so good if he were there everyday?

[88sunflower]

I have one more thing to say.

I have had wild nights in bed with guys and I have had loving nights in bed with my husband. In the end I always felt the love and the heat from sex with my husband was more intense and full filling then being some "fill in" for some random dude. Because eventually those hook ups did make me feel like a slut. When I am only getting a booty call and nothing else, well... wasnt so fun.