I'm a completely crappy, slutty person.
Hello:
I wasn't sure whether to post this in Relationships or Sexuality. But here goes.
I'm 21. I've been with 3 guys ( 2 of which were random sexual things, one of which is the man I'm with now who I'm very much in love with).
Me and my boyfriend have been together nearly 2 years. We have a great relationship, we're loving and have a wonderful time together. We're very honest about nearly everything (the only thing I haven't talked to him about is the issue in this post), and we trust each other. We both want to get married eventually and have kids and we know that we want to grow old together.
Now, I feel like an awful person for even struggling with this, and like I must be just a complete whore.
But I've been struggling a LOT with desires to "hang out" with one of the guys I had previous relations with. He was my first, and it was a random hookup, and it was INCREDIBLE. And then a while back when me and my boyfriend were on break we had a night together again, and it was incredible as well. So lately I've been fighting off a lot of thoughts and desires for this guy, and I just can't seem to get rid of them.
I feel awful because, what kind of girl is in an amazing, beautiful relationship with a man who rubs her feet everyday, tells her how beautiful she is, gives her all his love, and is thinking about effing the guy from her past who is an incredible sexual connection but not so much an emotional one?
So I did something really stupid and contacted the guy, we'll call him Dave. I emailed Dave about my feelings and confusion, and now he's been texting up a storm to me, trying to convince me to hook up with him. He seems to think I can just cheat on my boyfriend and "nobody needs to know" , etc.
Now, a huge part of me wants to hook up with Dave again. The sex is, just, mindblowing. And I've only been with him 2 times and I feel that way. But I can't imagine cheating on my boyfriend, the guilt would drive me insane. I also can't imagine breaking up with him just so I can bang this guy.
I know I should just talk to my boyfriend, but I'm embaressed and I feel awful. I should be fulfilled by him and him alone. What's wrong with me? I know I have self esteem issues and maybe this has something to do with that.
A part of me is worried that if I just stay with my boyfriend, we'll get married in the next few years and I'll live my life regretting not having more fun as a young person. Starting tied down too soon.
But then again, the connection and love me and my boyfriend have is just amazing and I never want to lose that.
Now, I know I'm that person that most of you think is just a slimeball and that my boyfriend probably deserves way better. But I know I can't be the only one who's struggled with something like this. I have to make a choice between young person hot sex and possibly losing the greatest relationship I can imagine, and my best friend, or keeping this relationship and giving up young irrational sex.
I guess the choice seems pretty obvious, that the smart thing to do is stop talking to Dave and move on and try my hardest in this relationship. But it's so hard when you throw the desires and lust in there.
OH by the way, sex with my boyfriend is good too, it's very loving and I enjoy it a lot, but it's just not as animalistic/hot/i need you now to do me.
Is there anyone who can tell me, do they regret not having more fun as a young person? Or is it more about finding a person who loves you and you can love back and hanging on to it?
Try to not be too mean, I know I'm a crappy person for even considering this and struggling with it.
:(