[B_Honey]

I need advice about my situation. I feel I don't have anywhere or anyone to turn to. Some background information first. I'm 30 years old, married with 2 children. I'm Asian and my husband is what you might call the American Mutt (a mixture of many European countries and a dash of American Indian). I've been happily married for 8 years now. My husband is a great husband who works hard to make sure I can stay home and be with our children. He doesn't go out, doesn't drink, and he would rather spend time with me and the kids at the park on the weekends than anything else. He is also a wonderful father. Our children are 5 and 4 years old. They are wonderful and happy children, the best 2 kids under the sun (in my opinion). So here goes with my question:

Four months ago, I was beaten by my father and brother. My parents were always disrespecting our (my husband's and mine) wishes and dismissive when it came to our feelings about things. This had been building up for years but once the children were born things became worse. They became more controlling and tried to undermine our decisions pertaining to the children. The last straw was this past Christmas when the children were finally old enough to understand Santa. I had spent 2 months tell them stories and reading books about Santa and they wrote letters to him asking for specific toys. Well, I told my mother to get them ANYTHING but the one toy they asked Santa for. My parents took the kids to toys r us and got them exactly what I told them not to. My husband got very angry and had a big argument with them about the disrespect they showed us and the lesson they were teaching our children (that whining would get them anything they wanted).
One week after the argument my parents were throwing a New Years party. My husband, still stung, said that he did not wish to attend and didn't want me to either. We talked and agreed that a cooling off period is needed. However, I told him that instead of just dropping off the face of the earth for a few weeks (my parents expected weekly visits so they could see their grandchildren) I want to tell them that we just need a cooling off period and that we still loved them. So, while my husband stayed home, I took the children to see them, receive their New Years gift and play for awhile, and so I could tell them that we would be away awhile. They blew up at me and called me my husband's puppet. They yelled and screamed about how stupid and inept my husband was (because he wasn't pulling in 6 figures and was only able to buy a small townhouse for his family). They said they hated my husband and that they wished him dead. They called me evil, a disgrace and overall a horrible human being. Then my brother (who was visiting for the holidays) came in and joined in the argument. Things then turned physical. My father threw me against the wall and hit me across the face 4-5 times. He then threw me on the floor, sat on my chest and strangled me. I got up and grabbed my children (yes they saw the whole thing and were screaming in fear) and tried to run. My brother struck me in the jaw and throat and also threw me into the coffee table when I had put the kids down to grab their coats. I made it out of there but before I left my mother was able to tell me that she thought I deserved everything I got. I drove home with my two children crying in the back. I ate soup for 3 days straight after that because I couldn't open my jaw,

Well... since the incident, we've filed a police report (I begged them not to make any arrests), set up an emergency protection order through the court and moved across the county. I couldn't live where I had lived anymore. I would jump at the sound of foot steps outside my house. I would break out in cold sweats if I was out walking the dog and saw an SUV (my parent's vehicle). My husband had quit his very secure job with a good company. We rented out our house. We packed all our things and just drove across the country hoping for the best.
Now, 4 months after the incident, my husband landed a better job than the one he had. We found a nice little apartment to start at. The kids seem happy in their new environment. However, my parents are trying to contact me again. They went to our old home and our tenant gave them our new address. They don't have our new phone numbers so they called the apartment management office and tried to get someone to go get me on the phone. I then received a letter this afternoon. It was written by my father telling me how sorry he is for what he did and that it had hurt him, doing what he did, a lot more than it did me. He wrote about missing me and the kids and that they are going crazy with grief and longing everyday we are away. He also mentioned how shock he was to find out that we moved. He ended with how much he loved me and my kids and that he begs that I would forgive him.
My husband is livid about this. He does not want any contact what so ever with them. He never wants them near me or the children ever again. I told him this might be easy for him but it's hard for me. He told me that he would feel betrayed if I contacted them because of all that he did to try to ensure our safety. I don't want for him to feel that way and I can't go behind his back because I can't betray his trust. It hurts me to know that my silence is causing my parents pain. But I also need to think of my children and whether I want them interacting with my parents and in that environment.
No matter what they are my parents. I don't know if I can renounce them for life. My husband needs me to stay away from them and I need his trust and support.
I feel that I can't talk to anyone about this. I can't talk to my husband because I don't want him to think that I'm swaying away from him. I just need some advice. An outsider's point of view. Thank you for reading.

[JudyKayTee]

I think your husband and marriage come first. You were obviously afraid and concerned or you wouldn't have made the changes you made.

If you contact your parents you are negating everything your husband did to keep you and your children safe and if anything happens a second time the Police and Courts will NOT be as wiling to help as they were the first time.

[JoeCanada76]

I honestly feel there should be NO CONTACT what so ever. Your husband has a right to be angry and upset with this communication. You moved half way cross the country for a reason and to get away from the abuse.

Please make your husband and children number one top priority and leave your abusive family out of it.

You need to renounce them for your safety, for your husband and your children's safety and sanity for that matter.

So the outsiders point of view is that you need to stay away from your family immediate family father , etc...

You have your own family now, that is your husband and children. That is most important.

Who really cares about your parents pain it does not matter. They created it on their own.

You need to be concerned ONLY about YOUR CHILDREN and YOUR HUSBAND.

[B_Honey]

Thank you for the input. Yeah, my husband was upset that I even read the letter at all. As for my parents, it's tough because I didn't consider my parents to be abusive. This was the first time they'd ever laid hands on me. I wasn't even spanked as a child. I keep thinking that maybe this was a one time mistake and that I should forgive them some time in the distant future. I don't think my husband will ever forgive them.

[Jake2008]

It would be unconscionable to consider contacting them in any way, shape or form.

If letters arrive, tear them up. Return gifts unopened, block their number from your phone, and should they show up at your new home, immediately call the police and have the original police complaint and restraining order in a place where you can get it quickly.

What you can't seem to understand here, is that this is about people and their behaviour. It matters not that they are family. It matters that they are boorish, violent, destructive, and without any self control. How can you possibly consider them in your life when your children witnessed you being beat so badly you are lucky to be alive.It is not possible to have 'normal' relationships with them. They have taken their wrath out on you, and in so doing, have also abused your children, and your husband.

Being 'family' does not automatically give them 'rights' to you, or your children, nor does it allow for them to continuously undermine your husband and cause trouble between you.

Listen to your husband, and for heaven's sake, support his decision to move to protect you and his children from these aggressive, violent people. I couldn't care less if they were the King and Queen of England- stay away.

Over time, you will come to realize that you made the right decision in putting your children's and your safety at a distance. Don't let the recent memories fade, and don't forget- ever- that they caused this, not you. You cannot fix what they did, and no words can excuse their behaviour. They are lucky they didn't do jail time.

Please get on the same page as your husband, put these family members in your past, and start living a happy life without hedging as to some sort of reconcilliation with your parents and brother.

I'm surprised your husband didn't beat the s**t out of them after the beating you took. I would not have been able to hold mine back.

Smarten up here, it is obvious what you have to do.

[JoeCanada76]

Thank you for the input. Yeah, my husband was upset that I even read the letter at all. As for my parents, it's tough because I didn't consider my parents to be abusive. This was the first time they'd ever laid hands on me. I wasn't even spanked as a child. I keep thinking that maybe this was a one time mistake and that I should forgive them some time in the distant future. I don't think my husband will ever forgive them.

I guarantee you whether you agree with this or not. You were being abuse all along whether you realized it or not.

Abuse is not only physical but emotional. I and everybody else considers your parents and family abusive. You wanted an outside opinion.

That is not a one time mistake. It should never of happened at all, I feel your family is very controlling and nothing you do will change them. You moved away and far away for a reason. Please respect your new family, yourself, your children and especially your husband and never contact them again. I do not blame your husband for ever forgiving them nor should he.

He is trying to protect his family from the damage that your parents have done. Even if you do forgive them that does not mean that you have to let them know about it or have them part of your lives. If you do that your just going to open yourself up to more abuse and your marriage will probably fail because of it.

Do you want that?

[B_Honey]

I think you are all right. It won't be easy emotionally. I have moments here and there throughout the day where I feel really sad and I don't know when the hurt will fade. But I'll focus my energy on my husband and children. Thank you for helping me strengthen my backbone.

[Jake2008]

Of course, it is entirely up to you what you decide to do. I just hope that the opinions here have convinced you that your choices could destroy your marriage.

Think about the beating. That did not come on overnight, or even during the week. It was pent up, and your family kept inappropriately dealing with their anger, until finally it exploded- and you were the victim, and make no mistake here- your children were victims witnessing it.

What do you think will happen if you give them another opportunity to take our their anger on you, or one of the children. That will happen if you turn this around and begin to think that you made a mistake moving away from them and getting an order of protection. By connecting with them again, you will only reinforce their belief that they are 100% right about you, and your husband, and will again feel that you should learn a lesson.

They have not changed. It is highly unlikely that they will ever change, and any communication with them, will be a disaster. After moving away and all that your husband has done to give you and the children a secure home- why would you put that on the line, knowing what the outcome is likely to be.

I don't think I can really add anything further to your situation. To me it is obvious what you need to do.

Good luck.