[Dingo475]

I started speaking to this girl from a mutual friend. We got on very well, but we lived a bit of a distance away from each other. I've been with her for 6 months now. We talk every day on Skype. I see her about once a month, and during the first few visits, I had intermittent erection problems. The third time she was on her period. The fourth time my erection issues disappeared and we had sex around 8 times in the space of 3 days.

Now, the last time I visited her, I was with her for 6 days and we had sex twice. Both times she wasn't as into it as she used to be and they probably, cumulatively lasted less than an hour. She knew that she wouldn't be able to see me for another 3 months. I thought this was a little odd and asked her about it; she said that she's always had a low sex drive, more or less.

Now we've just had a big chat about it and she honestly doesn't seem to really care about sex. She's said she'd be a bit disappointed if she didn't have sex once a week, and her general tone just didn't suggest a lot of enthusiasm. I now feel like I'm not very good in bed. She even used the phrase "I do like sex, it's just.. I don't have the highest sex drive". She doesn't seem particularly interested in making it any better. We always rush through sex; whenever I want to take it slow with foreplay, she'll just beg for penetration and then it's done.

I honestly don't feel very attractive right now. Is it unreasonable to think that a healthy sex life between a couple who don't see each other very often is around once a day, especially between a couple who've been going out for a few months?

Also, she doesn't like kissing. She never talks about it, just that it feels weird. I ask if there's anything I can do to make it easier; if it's my breath, I'll go brush my teeth and gargle some water. If I'm a bad kisser, I say let's practise, or just kiss me how she'd like to be kissed. She doesn't budge. To date, we've never kissed for more than a few seconds or "made out".

I feel incredibly trivial and shallow writing all this down. She's a great girl and till now, I thought I was in love with her, because I've honestly never felt like this about anyone. But I start to think why, if I am, I'm this worried about the amount of sex and physical intimacy we have and why I can't just be happy enjoying her company.

We're both 18, if this makes a difference. Do you think we're sexually incompatible? I lost my virginity to her. I just enjoy sex and I'm interested in trying out new things or making our sex life healthier, whereas it just seems like it's a mildly enjoyable chore to her. I feel shallow even bringing this up to her.

Help! If I sound incredibly immature, you can say so. This is my first serious relationship.

[Dingo475]

I think what contributes to me feeling low about this is that sex is the only real physical intimacy we have; she never really bothers with kissing and so, I kind of assume the worst and feel like she doesn't find me incredibly attractive. We cuddle a lot, and she expects me to be soppy a lot of the time. That was fine in the beginning of the relationship, but now it feels like.. I think I just feel a little exploited. I'm so confused.

[Synnen]

Sounds to me like she hasn't had an orgasm.

And before you say she couldn't fake it, please watch "When Harry Met Sally". Believe me, she could.

Most 18 year old girls that aren't that into sex (and please note that I say "most") just don't really enjoy it. It's a way to be intimate, and it's something guys seem to expect, but it's just not that fun when you never have an orgasm--and it just gets uncomfortable after a while.

Does she masturbate? Can she get herself off?

I'm betting this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the fact that whether she says she is or not--she's not ready for sex, not comfortable enough with you, and doesn't really enjoy the whole process. Please remember, too, that one of the main worries in the back of a woman's mind during sex is "what if I get pregnant". If she is worried, she's not into the moment, and she's not really enjoying it.

Of course--if it really IS just a low sex drive, she should see her doctor. Hormonal levels fluctuate greatly in women during their teens and early 20s, and she may be right--she just doesn't have the same sex drive you do. Then again--I don't know of a single category of people that has a higher sex drive than an 18 year old male.

Look--the only thing that is going to fix this is to be comfortable enough with each other to talk about it. Don't talk about it as a "problem"--talk about it like it's something you need to learn about each other.

And frankly--if one or both of you aren't comfortable enough to TALK about your sex life, then you shouldn't be having sex anyway.

[CravenMorhead]

I have seen this attributed to many people but:
"Never attribute to malice what can be easily explain by ignorance or stupidity."

Now you're neither ignorant nor stupid. The idea is the same though, don't assume that it is the worst case when it could just be something different. It would be worthwhile to figure out why she isn't so much into physical intimacy.

Was this relationship always long distance? Or did it evolve into a long distance relationship? IE did you meet on the internet or were you high school sweethearts that decided to go to different colleges.

There could be multiple reasons for a lot of the behaviour. Once the reason for all this is figured out. You'll be able to figure out the path this relationship needs to tread.

[slapshot_oi]

We're both 18, if this makes a difference. Do you think we're sexually incompatible? I lost my virginity to her. . . .

Well there you go.

Ya, you probably aren't good in bed, I'm not trying to be mean here. No one is the first time, or sometimes, even the first year. It takes practice like any other skill. It's better this way because from here on out, sex is only going to get better for you. Sounds exciting doesn't it?

As for her reasons, I don't know, it could be anything. Synnen made a good point about the stress of pregnancy, that happened with my ex-girlfriend. She got herself worried sick about it so her libido was dead.

[Dingo475]

Sounds to me like she hasn't had an orgasm.

And before you say she couldn't fake it, please watch "When Harry Met Sally". Believe me, she could.

Most 18 year old girls that aren't that into sex (and please note that I say "most") just don't really enjoy it. It's a way to be intimate, and it's something guys seem to expect, but it's just not that fun when you never have an orgasm--and it just gets uncomfortable after a while.

Does she masturbate? Can she get herself off?

I'm betting this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the fact that whether she says she is or not--she's not ready for sex, not comfortable enough with you, and doesn't really enjoy the whole process. Please remember, too, that one of the main worries in the back of a woman's mind during sex is "what if I get pregnant". If she is worried, she's not into the moment, and she's not really enjoying it.

Of course--if it really IS just a low sex drive, she should see her doctor. Hormonal levels fluctuate greatly in women during their teens and early 20s, and she may be right--she just doesn't have the same sex drive you do. Then again--I don't know of a single category of people that has a higher sex drive than an 18 year old male.

Look--the only thing that is going to fix this is to be comfortable enough with each other to talk about it. Don't talk about it as a "problem"--talk about it like it's something you need to learn about each other.

And frankly--if one or both of you aren't comfortable enough to TALK about your sex life, then you shouldn't be having sex anyway.

I know she hasn't had one. She's told me so. She also knows I'd much rather she was honest about how much she enjoys sex rather than faking. During sex, apart from the last time I visited, it did seem like she enjoyed it. But I see what you mean. I once watched a lot of videos on someplace called Cherry TV where women talked honestly about sex and it did seem like a lot of girls at 18 and thereabouts that don't orgasm only have sex to want to feel loved by their boyfriend, and it saddens me.

She masturbates occasionally. She usually tells me when she does, and occasionally we have mutual masturbation sessions on Skype. But she's never orgasmed from it; she just gets bored after a while, or this is what she tells me. She's not very open about what exactly happens.

In light of this I've tried to be very understanding. I try not to say too much about it in case she feels pressurised. I'm more than happy to spend hours going down on her to find out what works for her, she just never particularly enjoys it. She likes being fingered, however. She once said that her just doesn't do that much for her, which is odd because it has, on occasion, during sex. She also masturbates with her and the occasional fingering, so, I don't know.

I don't think she's very comfortable with her body either. She's comfortable knowing that I love every inch of her, but I don't think she is herself.

I doubt it's a pregnancy worry, we've talked about, we always practise safe sex with extra safe condoms. It could be that she's not that comfortable with me, just that there are no other signs of that.

I'm also just looking for reassurance that I'm not being incredibly shallow in thinking about this, or being a chauvinist pig "expecting" sex a certain amount of times. Like I said, it's not the actual sex that bothers me, just the lack of real physical intimacy as a whole. She isn't often particularly passionate either. I do wonder if she's very inhibited, but again, she doesn't really show many signs of it.

Sorry, this has come out quit elong. But yes, I'm well aware that many girls her age have sex for the wrong reasons and that she hasn't had an orgasm. I can't quite figure out how to nudge her into being sexually curious about herself enough to want to have an orgasm without feeling like I'm pressurising her.

[JoeCanada76]

First of all, the worst thing to do is go crazy with sex when its long distance and your only seeing each other once a month. It is obvious to me and probably this other person that maybe that is all you think about is sex.

Sorry but it is hard to keep a long distance relationship. See each other and just have sex and leave again. She probably feels like a cheap Whore right now to be honest with you.

Is or was she a virgin?
First times can be awkward and in different but you trying too hard might actually not be pleasurable to her.

Too much focus on the actual act of sex then actually getting to know each other and to be quite honest with you, your like strangers.

[Dingo475]

Thanks guys.

We spoke on the internet mostly, with videocalls etc, yes.

And I know I'm not going to be great at sex immediately, and that it will take practise. She just doesn't seem particularly enthusiastic about practising, haha.

I am seeing her again in two weeks, end of the 3 months, and if she's still as reticent about it as she has been, I'll be worried.

We've always been long distance. I've tried talking to her about the physical intimacy thing, but again, she just keeps saying it "feels weird". She's only had one ex, and he was apparently enormously well-endowed and a very inconsiderate lover, terrible at kissing, and all round unpleasant guy.

I'd be fine with the kissing issue if it was a gradual thing of slowly being more comfortable with kissing me. But it isn't! Every time I visit her, she only really starts to get into kissing me a few hours before I have to leave. Which is odd. It hasn't happened recently though. Recently it seems like she's just been stuck in a rut.

Also, another note: I'm the one going up to see her. I'm always saying we should go out and do things in her local city, get a mood going. Most of the time she's just interested in cuddling and watching TV and surfing the internet. This probably has something to do with all of it. I don't think we'll have a great romantic atmosphere going if all we ever do is watch Wife Swap and play Chess and Scrabble.

Problem is, every time I say I want to do something, she says she feels weird about it, because she's socially awkward and feels more comfortable with me when it's just the two of us, and not in a café or bar or something.

Confused.

[Dingo475]

Jesushelper1976, I appreciate how it might sound like that, but I know how difficult an LDR is. I wouldn't be in one if I didn't feel very very strongly about her. You have no idea how much I've put into this relationship, so it really isn't just about the sex. We don't "just have sex" and leave. I stay with her for periods of 5 days at a time, and if most of that was taken up with sex, I would feel a little weird. I'm not saying we should have sex 24/7, just that some comfortable physical intimacy, that isn't rushed, and feels passionate, would be quite nice.

[JoeCanada76]

I know how difficult long distance relationships can be. And you know what they not always turn out bad but eventually somebody has to make a move if they want to further the relationship in some level. To make it long term, do you know what I mean.

[Dingo475]

I know they don't always turn out bad. I've gotten to know plenty of people and there's honestly no-one I'd rather spend my time with. She's an amazing person. Just that all of this puzzles me a bit.

[Synnen]

Here's the thing:

If you're talking on the internet and visiting once a month, you're not dating.

There's no DATE involved here--there's talking, feelings, and sex.

INSIST on meeting and hanging out with her friends. She needs to meet YOUR friends, too. You SHOULD be doing social things as part of your time together, or you're not really dating--you're FWB.

Talk her into dinner out. Talk her into going to a club with some of her friends. Make sure that at least ONE of the evenings you're there, it's about having fun together, and NOT about sex or cuddling or whatever.

[Dingo475]

I try! She always just insists that she feels odd about it. The most we've done is go for coffee and go for walks. I've mentioned that she'll be able to visit me in the summer, and I live in a much bigger city and we're planning to do a lot of things together.

For some reason, she just doesn't really like a lot of the people she knows, doesn't like the city where she lives, and so doesn't feel like spending a lot of time doing something.

I'm more than happy to go on real dates and have fun. I just wish she was too.

[JoeCanada76]

I have a stinking suspicion about this.

[Dingo475]

She isn't dating anyone else. Can we move past contingencies that I haven't mentioned and focus on what I have?

There is a correlation between the amount of times we go out and do things and how physically intimate she is. We used to sit by a river near her house and talk a lot, and that was really great. We haven't done it for a while, though.

[JoeCanada76]

How do you know? Can we move past it as quick as we can. Why is it an uncomfortable suggestion that you might not see?

[Dingo475]

I know because I trust her. She wouldn't put up with the amount of stress long distances can cause if she didn't feel strongly about me. She wouldn't miss me so much after a day or two of not talking if she didn't feel strongly about me. We've both had opportunities with people that we knew we could have something with, but turned them down in favour of each other. Now, when you've got some real advice, I'd be keen to hear it.

[Dingo475]

Sorry, that sounded rude when I didn't I intend it to be.

[Synnen]

See? There's a correlation between when you get out of her place and do something and how intimate you are.

So... tell her that YOU want to do something. Plan it long distance--make a reservation and tell her she has to have a dress on and be ready to go out by X time because you have a surprise for her.

[JoeCanada76]

I know how difficult long distance relationships can be. and you know what they not always turn out bad but eventually somebody has to make a move if they want to further the relationship in some level. To make it long term, do you know what I mean.

Yes, that sounded very rude... That is why I am not going to continue here.

Like I said the only real advice is for one of you to make an eventual move so there is more time to get to know each other. So there is actually a chance to make things work and spend more time together, but I guess you missed that when you got all defensive with me. I am wasting my breath and time here because according to you nothing I have said is not real.

That is as real as you are going to get...

Bye and good luck.