[lostNTexas]

My husband wants to go to his father's 75th birthday party for the weekend. His family lives about 6.5 hours away EACH way. My father's 70th birthday party is also on the SAME weekend, although they live several states away. I have already told my parents it will be too tough to take the family out there for the weekend, so we will do it over the summer. My husband, however, wants to go to his adoptive father's party. This is only the tip of the iceburg, of course. I am his 3rd wife; his 4th marriage. (He's my second and all my family love him.) I have had some huge problems with his side of the family (mostly just the women, sorry to say). Actually, I should say, they have had some huge problems with me. His brother and wife won't even return our calls or call my husband on his birthday or holidays. We came up there over the summer--and even though I really wasn't crazy about the idea--we called them several times to get together. They didn't respond. His mother died without even talking to my husband (she had been "in and out" with all her kids off and on throughout her life). They are an extremely disfunctional family. This is going to be a long story, so I will try to cut it short. I thought I was friends with all his family. (I had a great relationship with the in-laws of my first marriage.) It started with my husband's mother and his oldest daughter. His daughter wrote my husband a letter, stating our marriage was the reason for her drug addictions, that I wasn't good for him, etc. etc. I know this is not true. His mother told him he was asking for trouble marrying a younger woman with young children. I kind of wish now I didn't know all the things they said, though I know my husband meant well. I am very aware of how they act (or ignore me) when I'm around. It is extremely hurtful, and I have often left in tears. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 9. Five years ago, I said I was wiping my hands of them. I would not allow people to talk about me and treat me that way.

I do like his dad. (His dad actually adopted him when his mother left with another guy. She gave birth to my husband with another man at age 17.) My feelings are hurt that he now wants to go to this party with or without me. I said, let's go up the weekend before and spend time with him or take a week during the summer when we can have more time. I'm afraid his relatives will put strain on our marriage as they did before! I cannot imagine being around all of them--when they get in a pack they are really bad, especially after they start drinking!!

[JoeCanada76]

Oh the in laws. Major problems been through that, but then it sometimes takes forgiveness. Now the party is for his father, not anyone else. Yes it is a big gathering, but hey you like his father and maybe you need to show up as a united couple. Do this for your husband.

Try not to be so sensitive. If anybody says anything. Try to let it roll off. If you react negatively to their pokes at you they will even poke you even more.

Go in there with a refreshed attitude, happy go lucky and be there as a husband and wife. I know how hard this can be and I swore I would never have anything to do with inlaws, but truth be told once I changed my attitude, and once forgiveness was let in... the inlaws started coming around too. You know what yes there were many rough and tough moments and I honestly did not think at one time there was any movement for healing and forgiveness but guess what...

I was completely wrong.

I am not asking you to forget anything that happen but try to forgive the way you were treated and go in there like nothing has happened. Do not leave crying this time but leave smiling and happy that you were by your husbands side for this important occasion.

Good luck and let us know what you decide to do and how the event goes if you go. Ok...

Joe

[lostNTexas]

That's a really nice response. Thanks. I will try to muster up my courage to go...

[Fr_Chuck]

Agreed, you are not going for anyone else in the family, this is not a family reuion or a family party,

70 is up there, and there may not be another birthday to celebrate.

In the end, you go because you support your husband who wants to go. ( and it is within driving distance)

[Jake2008]

I so agree with Jo and Chuck.

This is a time to focus only on one thing. A very special birthday for a 75 year old. For your husband's sake, and for your own sake (I think you would regret not going), please go. Put a smile on your face and let the women bark all they want.

I too can relate to what you go through, and it isn't easy to be hated, marginalized and disrespected for no reason. I ignored all they did to me over the years, until my inlaws died. One on November 23rd, the other December 23rd. My respect was for them, and I didn't ever give in to the bickering of my husband's sisters and brother, and never once complained about them to my inlaws.

But, after they died is a different story. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say in my heart I know I did the right thing in showing up for special occasions, such as their 50th wedding anniversary, and Christmasses etc. but for them, not the rest of the yahoo's.

I do hope you decide to go.

[Gemini54]

His relatives can only put a strain on your marriage if you allow them to. It's your choice!

The best thing you can both do is go and present an united, loving front. Be cheerful, chat and be very pleasant. Make it clear via your actions that you're still very much in love.

You'll feel much better if you go as an united couple and the snide, nasty remarks won't bother you as much.

Have fun (and drink as little as possible).

[KISS]

Hey, inlaws are forever. Freiends aren't.

The more a parent ages, the greater the satisfaction for both parties when they see each other. One day there will be a big void.

Support your significant other. If anything odd happens, promply tell anybody that you were invited for a special happy occaision and you expect to keep it that way without any effort.