[Dunebunny]

I'm 42 years old. I've lived in the SF Bay Area all my life. My husband, a great man, who cares about and for me has inherited his parents home and acreage in North Dakota. We have decided to move there and make a go at a new life... a new adventure. I'm looking forward to it actually. Sure, the winters may suck but it's a chance for us to try something new. All his fathers family lives there and are ecstatic we are coming. We've already moved some things there and I've been making the new house homey... to our liking. It's been fun!

We are going to sell our home in California when it starts becoming a sellers market again which isn't anytime soon... rather than rent it out. The home in ND is getting cared for by his aunts and uncles and we will visit is a few time a year until we will move permanently.

We are going to use the equity of the sale of our home for improvements to the property in ND and to put away for retirement. We also have property in Idaho which is our backup plan if things don't work out in North Dakota.

My husband's family have been checking around for jobs and since the oil boom, the oil company will be hiring a lot of people. The family is certain there's no problem finding a job especially since my husbands family is well established around those parts & know a lot of people but my husband isn't going into this as an opportunist... he said the job will come his way when it comes.

ANYWAY... back now to MY family. My aunt, who's been like a mother to me since my mother passed away 11 years ago, was upset and disappointed. I understand she will be sad. The rest of the family, she says, thinks that my husband is "taking me away from the family!" Do you know HOW many times I've heard this from my family in my life?? When I was dating and my boyfriend and I made plans, say, on 4th of July... my family had a FIT! "He's taking you away from the family..."

They get away with this because I let them know it bothers me. I would have this guilt-ridden stupid stammoring excuse that I wanted to go with my boyfriends.

Now my aunt is starting in on my husband.

But in the case of North Dakota, this has been a joint decision... and an exciting one! I'm looking forward to it. Like I said, of course I'll miss my family!

I've said to my aunt stuff like.. "WE'VE decided..." and "this is a decision we feel will be BEST for us right now..." and "I'll miss you too but the road goes both ways...I'm still going to come visit CA or there's email, phone, snail mail...or you can visit..."

Sometimes she seems to be o.k. with it but NOW she taking jabs at my husband! Saying stuff like, "He's not in a very good mood is he" (even though he said hi when she came in and asked how she was doing)... or she's been saying "THE FAMILY thinks he's taking you away from us." Maybe SHE thinks that but is blaming everyone. My Mother used to do this and as much as my aunt try to say she isn't anything like my mother... she's starting to sound just like her! LOL

I've also told her that I understand it's a difficult thing to take (me going away) but I can't help it if EVERYONE in this family decided to stay here and not explore what's out there. Everyone stays home and barely goes any place or does anything. Most work work work and their vacations are spent at home. Some have gone places. My aunt and her kids have traveled a lot... exciting places like Europe. But, life is too short... I want adventure! I can't live everyone's life and I don't feel comfortable with this guilt trip I'm getting from her when I talk to her now.

Now... for the rest of the family. No one has said anything but "ooo...it's so cold during the winters...will you be o.k.?" or "North Dakota!??!? Wow... well.. it will be different." Stuff like that. My cousins who are my age are sad but they said "Of course we'll be supportive...you're family...but we will miss you." I even had one cousin look up the cost of a flight to visit me and said they need to start saving now. We both laughed. But, no one has said "Your husbands nuts" or "Your husband is trying to take you away from us." "You're nuts."

Do you know why?

Because they're friggin' adults and I'm 42 years old... an adult... making a difficult decision but going for it. Crazy... maybe... but this is between my husband and me.

I told everyone, including my aunt, that although they may not agree with the decision... I still need the love and support of my family. To wish us well and just be supportive. I KNOW it's hard for them to fathom that I'm leaving... little ole me... who's always been like the kid in the family. But it's time to move on people. I'm NOT DYING!

Still... my aunt brings it up EVERY TIME I see or talk to her.

My husband told me that I just need to tell her enough is enough and stop with the guilt trips. That I need her support or maybe just not talk about it with her. The thing is, I don't. I try to talk about other stuff. But she'll say, "wow...you're doing all this stuff to your house to sell it and you won't be able to enjoy it." Just jabs that just make me feel bad. I told her, I'm enjoying it. And the new house in ND will get fixed up too. It needs improvements but not a whole lot. My husbands parents put all new carpet, siding, roof, windows... before they passed away.

I've even asked her if she would like to take a trip with me in the Spring to ND to see the house and we can stop a couple of days to visit Yellowstone since she's never been there. I thought maybe if she saw where I was going to live and maybe help me fix up the kitchen and stuff that she might feel better about where I'll be... let her take part in the move kind of. She was kind of excited about it and brings that up too. She said maybe we can drive to South Dakota to visit her friend that moved from the Bay Area to her old hometown. It's 9 hours away but I would be willing to do it so she can visit her. We'd split the gas and stuff. She was excited about that too. But she still brings up the negative and my husband, etc. It bugs me!

I don't know what else to tell her to make her feel better.

I have a clipping from a magazine that is the BEST story about two sisters moving away from each other. It was almost how our family is and the ending is:

"We realize that it's not just shared DNA and shared geography that make a family, but shared experiences. Those memories, and the new ones we'll make, will unite and sustain us forever, whether our homes are near or far."

I tore it out and was going to make copies to send to everyone so they know that I do care but I need to move on. The family really hasn't said anything to me. I would like to believe that they accept me as an adult and this is a decision we made. Sure... they may think we are crazy but it's a decision we made. I WANT to go! I've always loved the country and I've been there about 4 times already (except the winter... but all the other seasons I have). It's not bad. Quiet, farm country living. We're not way out in the boonies either but far enough to be out of the city. How would we know if we didn't just go for it. Our great grandparents came from France. They had to leave their families for a new country. They took a chance to make a new life. We're doing the same... and won't have a house payment! LOL

What else can I do?

[peggyhill]

Spend lots of time with her before you leave. Email, call, send thinking-of-you cards. As time goes by she will get used to it. She just loves you and wishes you were going to be closer. Just appreciate the fact that your relatives love you and miss you. I don't have any living relatives. I would love to have relatives tell me they missed me or didn't want me to leave. You have a great and supportive family and that's a blessing. Just try to look at the bright side of it. And, like I said, as time goes by she WILL get used to it and perhaps some of the animosity toward your husband will fade. Good luck! North Dakota is a beautiful place! Good luck! :) Hope this helps!

[shygrneyzs]

Welcome to North Dakota. From the sounds of it you will be in the NW to West - oil boom country is only out there. I live in Bismarck. I would say Winters are not nearly as bad as they used to be, and that would be true today. Just watch and see this Winter will be a throwback to the 1960's. Life is what you make it here. Just like anywhere else.

As far as your family, you cannot please them no matter what. If you stayed and your husband moved, then what? Would your family be happy then or would they find something else to say? You do what you feel is best for your family. Traveling back to SF is not hard and your family traveling here is not hard.

Good luck with the move and getting settled in.

[Dunebunny]

Thanks to both of you... :)

Yes. I plan on spending lots of time with her. In fact, she came by an hour after I wrote this. Surprisingly she didn't mention North Dakota much. But, I think it depends on how she's feeling. She is probably the one I will miss the most anyway. I do love her as I love the rest of my family but I'm not going to leave my husband to please my family. I love my husband more than anything and would go anywhere with him. He has been my rock. I'm not sure if my family wants to see me kicking and screaming NOT to go or what but I'm standing by my decision.

She did mention while we went shopping today that she's looking forward to going to Yellowstone in the spring on our way to North Dakota so I believe she IS trying but she will be devastated... I know I will be sad when the time comes but we will have our visits to look forward to and email and phone calls. I will be in contact with her more than anyone else I'm sure!

Shygrneyzs - Yes. You are right. NW N.Dakota... Tioga is the town. I like it. It's peaceful and I never want to leave when we go visit LOL. I'm crafty so if it does happen to be a bad winter (which I heard the last few haven't been too bad), I have always kept myself busy when it rains here in California. My husbands cousins son goes to St. Mary's in Bismarck... I'm sure you know where that's at :)

Peggyhill - I do charish my family very much and I know that once I leave, I will charish them even more but I do plan on coming to California once a year for about 3 weeks to visit family and friends. And my aunt said she wants me to stay with her when I do come which I will for sure. I just don't like it when I get guilt laid on me because it took years for me to get over feeling so guilty about my decisions in life. My aunt says it's not the same just calling on the phone or emailing because I'm not going to be 20 minutes away if she wanted to go to lunch or dinner or go to the nursery or craft store with me. For that, I feel bad that she is hurting but I don't want her to blame my husband. Maybe because she's hurt I guess she feels she has to say something.

My brother moved his whole family (wife and 3 kids) to Washington... no one said anything. I wished them well, told them I'll miss them... and wished I was going someplace too. Well, now I am. When he and/or his family come down to visit, everyone is happy to see them and they make the best of their visits... it's like a party! I'm sure that's how it will be when I come visit.

Anyway, I always try to make the best of things and look on the brighter side of life. With family, it's hard because I do know they love me and don't want to see their loved ones fail or go through hard times but that's how we grow isn't it?

Well.. thanks again for your input. :)

[shygrneyzs]

Tioga is such a neat little town! Lots of history there and a geological find for those who like that. You're not that far from Canada so shopping up there would be fun too. While it is true most everything is miles away, like Fargo or Billings, it makes for a nice road trip. Lol. With your crafts you could start your own cottage industry. Many have done that and if you would ever be interested at some point, check out the Ag Department, Pride of Dakota program. They used to have start up grants for small businesses. But that is a ways down the road.

Hope all the moving goes well.

[peggyhill]

Yeah, don't let anyone put you on a guilt trip for doing what you want to do. Hopefully, your aunt will get used to it. Hope the move goes well!

[Dunebunny]

shygrneyzs - I was actually thinking of doing that! Selling my handmade cards. I've already located a Stampin' Up consultant so I can still order stuff from them. My husbands uncle is on the board of directors for business development. I'm going to ask him how I would go about doing all this (tax wise, etc.).

Here in California I am an owner/ operator of a pet sitting business however, I noticed there won't be much of a need for it in Tioga. But... I have a pet sitter friend in Minnesota and what she does during the winter months is offer home checks when people are traveling or for the snow birds (there's MANY in Tioga... lots of retirees go to Arizona until March or April)... my husbands aunt and uncle are one of them :) My friend in MN goes to her clients homes and checks lights, thermostats, etc. She says she gets a lot of business out of that... so we'll see.

I always thought Canada was more expensive? We're about about 1 hr, 40 minutes from Estevan, SK. Never been there though.

[Dunebunny]

Hi peggyhill... I believe it will be hard for my aunt and my family but in life, people move on and the world keeps turning. I know I will keep in touch probably even more when I'm gone. My husband just called me a few minutes ago and asked how I was feeling (because this has been bothering me). I told him that my aunt didn't mention ND much and he said the same thing you advised me... spend a lot of time with her and make her feel special and that you aren't deserting her. I'm sure through time she will start healing her feelings and start looking forward to when I come visit or she can visit me!

When I do take her to ND in the spring, I'm going to introduce her to my husbands family and show her around the town, go to church with her... make her feel that where I'm going isn't so bad. His family is very nice and very together... like my family. They understand how hard it will be for her.

Plus, she IS really looking forward to spending a couple of days in Yellowstone. Also, her and her daughter and myself are planning on going on a cruise to Mexico in March '08 and she is looking forward to that as well. We asked other family members but they don't want to go. So it will be a fun thing to look forward to for us and to spend time with each other. Her daughter is a kick and we always have fun :)

[Dunebunny]

shygrneyzs... it's University of Mary in Bismarck... sorry... LOL

[shygrneyzs]

I figured. Lol. St. Mary's is the high school. Oh and yes, Canada is more expensive in some things. But I have a couple of friends who have gotten their dental work done there and say it was way cheaper. The problem is when you have problems, a long ways to go.

[kali1010]

Now first you have to find out why they are blaming the husband?and then see if there is a way to fix it
And then solve it
See if it works

[kali1010]

If not type back to me

[Dunebunny]

The only reason is because he wants to go to North Dakota. They don't take into effect that maybe "I" want to go to. My family has always blamed the significant other... not me. They feel the boyfriend or husband (whoever I was with at the time) was to blame for any decisions I made... as if I was swayed into doing stuff. Like when I was with my first husband. It was 4th of July, we planned on going camping that weekend... my family was planning a picnic. I told them we were going camping. Their response... well... my mom's response and a couple of aunts were "he's trying to take you away from family." Another instance was Mothers Day. We spent the morning with his parents and went to my mothers in the afternoon and for dinner... we were a little late getting there in the afternoon because my (now ex) husband gave me a kitten. But, same response... he's trying to keep you from your family.

Same stuff with any boyfriends I had but most of the time holidays and functions were spent with my family.

Now... my husband. We spent EVERY holiday with my family for the first 5 or 6 years of our relationship but one holiday we decided to go down to the desert and spend it riding our atv's. It was a Thanksgiving holiday weekend... 4 days off so we thought perfect. My family had a cow that I wasn't there for the holiday but I was there for Easter, Mothers Day, Christmas, New Years.

Then we decided to split the holidays since we only stopped by his sisters house to bring gifts and then we left and spent the entire day with my family I thought it would be nice for a change to do it the other way around and spend Christmas Day with his sister and have dinner there but beforehand stop by and visit with my family and exchange gifts. My family just couldn't get over the fact that my husband has family too (his sister lives in the same town as us) and they thought it was terrible that I couldn't be with THEM for the holiday... my husband was taking me away from my family.

I decided I couldn't let it bother me. My family happened to marry people that didn't have family around or their significant others weren't speaking to their family, etc. so it was always the same family at the same functions, etc.

I don't condemn my family for wanting me to be with them during the holidays it's just that I think my husbands sister should be able to spend some time with her brother once in a while during a holiday.

Also, aside from my aunt whom I see frequently and speak to frequently... the other family members live within a 20 mile radius at any point (except for my brothers) and never call me to see how I'm doing, don't really email me (one aunt occasionally), don't call to see if I want to meet for lunch, go out for dinner or shopping, don't even recognize my birthday (I did but stopped when they would never call)... but yet they don't want me to leave and think my husband is taking me away. My brothers send emails to me. One lives in WA and the other lives up north end of California, the other doesn't have a computer but his wife always calls. But my brothers aren't saying anything. It's the older relatives... aunts and uncles. My mother would have been the one to say stuff about my husband but she has passed on.

Yes. They say this all with love for me but my husband has never done anything to them and has shown he is a great provider, friend to me, never has hit me, pushed me or said a bad thing towards me. He knows when and how to say he's sorry and listens to my problems and lets me go off... I'm not a Taurus for nothing ;) He's my soul mate... truly my best friend.

What... no bad points to the man?

Sure... he's moody and sometimes he crawls into his shell and just sits there when people are conversing about something. My family is boisterous, loud and talkative. He's not all the time... sometimes but not always. He's laughed and talked to my family about stuff and everyone has a great time. But don't condemn him for being moody. Everyone has some silly thing that others don't like. I get my moods too... just ask my aunt! LOL But we're human. We're not perfect!

Anyway, this is why I said I've been dealing with this type of stuff with my family ever since I started dating. I don't think anyone will ever be good enough... but for me, my husband is my husband whom I chose to be with. I love my family but sometimes it just gets to me.