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My husband and I have been together since high school. We had never been with anyone else and could not wait to be married. We tried very hard not to have sex before we were married as this was something very important to us. We had both been raised to believe that it was wrong to have sex until you're married. I give this background because I think it is part of the reason why we got married so young. We've been married for 2 years now. I'm 24 and he's 25. All of our friends are mutual friends that we've had for years and years. My very best friend in the whole world was one of my groomsmen and is a good friend of my husband as well. Me and this friend have always had a closer relationship than he and my husband and other than my husband I can honestly say without hesitation that he is the one person that I am closest to.
We have a genuine strong friendship. One of those friendships that is extremely hard to find. I can hangout with my "girls" and then hangout with him and the time with him is just so much more fun. These are one of those friendships that people wish they had and I have that with him. I love him as a friend and have never had an attraction to him. I think that's why we were able to be so close and I never had to worry about any of the guy/girl as friends drama.
People who know us never understand how a guy and girl can be so close but we just never had that problem that people always assume friends of the opposite sex have to have.
So...
The other night we were at a friends house and got so drunk, more drunk than I've ever been in my life. My husband fell asleep in the other room and we continued drinking together doing shots. For the life of me I still cannot wrap my head around how things began to happen.
I think I just felt so badly for him and have for a long time that he can't find a nice girlfriend. He's dated 2 girls through the course of our friendship and both treated him so badly. He's the type of guy that mean girl could use just because he's so genuinely nice.
Some how we ended up kissing. After kissing we ended up touching each other and I just can't even believe this was real.
This is something so outside of myself and my values that it's hard to believe that was me in that room doing those things with my best friend.
We've been friend for 6 years and have never remotely done anything questionable with each other until this completely drunk moment.
I went home and of course told my husband everything. He is so deeply hurt. He cried and we cried together and I just do not know what to do from here.
My friend called me the next day and we talked on the phone for about 3 hours. I told him that I could not see him out of respect for my husband and then he dropped a bomb on me.
He told me that he's in love with me and has been for a while. He said it was nothing he had ever tried to pursue nor would he ever. He said he's felt terrible keeping this secret and would occasionally even try to distance himself from me because he felt it the right thing to do but would then realize that he'd just ignore the feelings to at least still be able to be around me since he cares about me so much.
I told him that I love him deeply but that it's a deep friendship love, like the love you have for a very close family member. He understood and knew that that's what my answer would be.
He said he felt awful as if he'd taken advantage of me and I don't feel that way at all. I feel more responsible than I think he should. When the stuff was happening he told me know several times and that I should go home. If it wasn't for him I think the situation could have been much worse. Even in that situation he was still trying to be a friend to me and turn down what he really would've liked to have happen.
We agreed that we're not telling any of our mutual friends as this would totally ruin their perception of us and of the marriage my husband and I have.
I know that there is just no way we can be friends after this but it hurts so bad. My husband said he would never be able to see our friend ever again and does not want me around him.
We have all these plans for the summer... all these events like camping, etc. that we were all supposed to go to together that have been booked and everything. Yet now we can't see each other. I know friends are going to find it odd us not spending time together anymore. Questions are going to start being asked and I don't know what to say. I know that it's none of their business but will people eventually figure out that something happened? I'm just in so much pain, so is my friend, and my husband and yet no one around us can know that anything is wrong. How can I get through this?
This happened 2 days ago and I have not been able to eat or sleep.
My husband and I are working on things together and I know that in the future we will be fine again. It will just take a while for his hurt feelings to settle and him to be able to forgive me and me to even be able to forgive myself. It hurts me so badly what I did to him.
On top of that I have lost the truest best friend I have ever had. This is a guy who was one day pretty much going to be the uncle to our children. He's very close with my family as well. Soon they will start wondering why he doesn't come around.
I guess I don't have just one question here but many.
Is there any possible way that even just maybe maybe in a long time that we could be friends again?
Or is this impossible given what happened - Would my husband ever be able to be friends with him again or is this just way too much for me to ask?
Is it possible to be friends with him when he has feelings for me that are deeper than what friends should have for each other?
I feel terribly that when all this is said and done my husband and I will still have each other. My friend now has no one. He's lost both of his friends and I just feel so responsible.
Any advice would be much appreciated. I really have no one to talk to. I can't talk to my other friends or my family. Three people were very hurt because one very stupid thing and I just don't know how to possibly go forward from here.

[amicon]

You go forward by working on your relationship with your husband,and hope that he will still want to give your marriage a second chance when this has sunk in.

Rebuilding trust takes time and I suggest the two of you should try couples counciling.

As for your friendship,forget about that,that's not the major issue here,you were both way out of order and whatever could possibly be mended in the future is not important now.

[DoulaLC]

As amicon said, it will take a good deal of time for both of you. The friendship is most likely over and done with. Sad and unfortunate, and who knows what the future may hold, but your relationship with your husband has to be the priority and you are now in the position of having to earn his trust.
If people ask questions... just say you had a falling out and that you and your friend have decided to move on. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

Something to consider to avoid any future hurt... curb or stop the drinking. I wish you and your husband well.

[Rich11111]

I have got to agree with the last two posts in saying that unfortunately to give your marriage the best chance possible your friendship is over.

Chances are your husbands will never be OK with you seeing your friend again, even if your husband doesn't ask you to stay way from him, it will always bother him a lot, even if he doesn't admit it.

Also since your friend is in love with you, not seeing him again will be better for him as well as it will give him a chance to get over you and move on.

As DoulaLC said I would also advise reconsidering how much you let yourself drink. Getting drunk when you are alone with a man who is not your husband, no matter how platonic the relationship it, is asking for trouble.

[jmjoseph]

I don't think that you should be worried about your friends, or even the guy you cheated with. I think that you should be concentrating on your marriage, and what it's going to take to regain the trust of your husband.

You say that THREE people were hurt. Well, it's really just ONE, the guy that you promised to be faithful to. That's all.

You sure are confident that your husband will "forgive and forget". I wonder how you can be so sure?

I mean, he was in the next room! And it was with his best friend!

You act as though you are more concerned with the "friend" because he doesn't have you and your husband any longer. That friendship is ruined, you need to realize that, and try to save your marriage.

I'm sorry for being so harsh, but you asked for opinions and input.

And there it is.

I feel sorry for your husband.

Good luck.

[Larken85]

Ouch, I am really not trying to make you feel worse here but that story hurt my feelings. Maybe I get myself too into it.

I agree, the friend has got to go. There will be no friendship for the two guys and there CAN be no friend ship for you and he anymore. Your husband will never trust you around guys you are close to again. Not fully at least. You need to make it up to your husband and you need to gain his trust and respect back.
I know that if my wife even danced with another guy because she was attracted to him just because I fell asleep that I would be deeply jealous. Add to that kissing and touching? I don't think I could take that. It's a huge slap in the face.
Whatever you did, what ever you do, your husband will always love you. But he has to know that you love him and only him always and forever. You need to make that clear to him and it is going to take a lot of time. I promise you that this will not be an easy task, but your husband deserves his healing time and he deserves to be respected by you. He has been a good man and I am sure he will always be a good man, don't hurt him again.

I suppose it's the same with both women and men but drinking can be dangerous. If you know that you get horny when you are a little drunk, maybe it would be best not to get completely wasted in the vasinity of other men. Drinking impairs judgment and add that to a boost of sexual hunger... you should know yourself better and learn your limits.
I am a different story, I never have to worry about getting drunk and cheating because drinking relaxes me no matter how much I drink. I almost won't have sex while drunk... this subject gets to me really bad.

Sorry...

Here is some sound advice. You and your partner are equals in the relationship and on some sub level its OK that you know that. But you need to treat your relationship at all times as if you do not deserve the one you are with and you need to strive to deserve that person and the wonderful gift of their life that they gave to you and devoted to you. That's two sided.

[Gemini54]

I think that you've been incredibly naïve, and that you've now learned a really difficult lesson.

It shouldn't have happened, but 20/20 hindsight is always clearer isn't it?

You sound like a person with integrity and have been honest with your husband. I suspect that you now need to let the dust settle. Focus on your husband and let your friend know that you can't see him or speak with him for a while. Your friend needs the distance and so do you.

Give it time, once the drama and pain has settled and dissipated, you may all be able to see things more clearly and decide what to do.

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Thank you for all of your answers and sincere advise.
Yes, I agree that I need to curb the drinking which I will now do and yes, I should be focusing more on fixing things with my marriage than with my friendship.

Gemini54: Yes, I do pride myself on having a lot of integrity and have always had a marriage free of lies. This was a one time mistake that will never be repeated. You are right that hindsight is so much clearer. I just wish I knew before everything that I know now. I know that I'm going to be a better person after this than I was before. It's just so sad that it took something like this to turn the blinders on for me.

I am truly sorry for what I did and my husband and I are working on our relationship.

We have had scheduled summer plans with our friend and other mutual friends that he has decided we can still go to. He told me not to expect to say anything more than "hi" to him. I have promised my husband that I will not have any contact with our friend until the summer plans that we will all be at together. All of this time up until then will be completely focused on my husband, strengthening our relationship, and earning his trust back.

I know our friend plans on talking to my husband and apologizing for what happened. I'm doubtful that my husband will ever be able to fully forgive our friend. But it doesn't matter, an apology is owed still the same.

What happened will never be right or OK. I'll always have shame in my heart for what happened but I truly do have hope that some day in the far future we will all be able to have some kind of friendship again. It will of course not be as close as it once was.