Cheated on my husband with my BEST friend
My husband and I have been together since high school. We had never been with anyone else and could not wait to be married. We tried very hard not to have sex before we were married as this was something very important to us. We had both been raised to believe that it was wrong to have sex until you're married. I give this background because I think it is part of the reason why we got married so young. We've been married for 2 years now. I'm 24 and he's 25. All of our friends are mutual friends that we've had for years and years. My very best friend in the whole world was one of my groomsmen and is a good friend of my husband as well. Me and this friend have always had a closer relationship than he and my husband and other than my husband I can honestly say without hesitation that he is the one person that I am closest to.
We have a genuine strong friendship. One of those friendships that is extremely hard to find. I can hangout with my "girls" and then hangout with him and the time with him is just so much more fun. These are one of those friendships that people wish they had and I have that with him. I love him as a friend and have never had an attraction to him. I think that's why we were able to be so close and I never had to worry about any of the guy/girl as friends drama.
People who know us never understand how a guy and girl can be so close but we just never had that problem that people always assume friends of the opposite sex have to have.
So...
The other night we were at a friends house and got so drunk, more drunk than I've ever been in my life. My husband fell asleep in the other room and we continued drinking together doing shots. For the life of me I still cannot wrap my head around how things began to happen.
I think I just felt so badly for him and have for a long time that he can't find a nice girlfriend. He's dated 2 girls through the course of our friendship and both treated him so badly. He's the type of guy that mean girl could use just because he's so genuinely nice.
Some how we ended up kissing. After kissing we ended up touching each other and I just can't even believe this was real.
This is something so outside of myself and my values that it's hard to believe that was me in that room doing those things with my best friend.
We've been friend for 6 years and have never remotely done anything questionable with each other until this completely drunk moment.
I went home and of course told my husband everything. He is so deeply hurt. He cried and we cried together and I just do not know what to do from here.
My friend called me the next day and we talked on the phone for about 3 hours. I told him that I could not see him out of respect for my husband and then he dropped a bomb on me.
He told me that he's in love with me and has been for a while. He said it was nothing he had ever tried to pursue nor would he ever. He said he's felt terrible keeping this secret and would occasionally even try to distance himself from me because he felt it the right thing to do but would then realize that he'd just ignore the feelings to at least still be able to be around me since he cares about me so much.
I told him that I love him deeply but that it's a deep friendship love, like the love you have for a very close family member. He understood and knew that that's what my answer would be.
He said he felt awful as if he'd taken advantage of me and I don't feel that way at all. I feel more responsible than I think he should. When the stuff was happening he told me know several times and that I should go home. If it wasn't for him I think the situation could have been much worse. Even in that situation he was still trying to be a friend to me and turn down what he really would've liked to have happen.
We agreed that we're not telling any of our mutual friends as this would totally ruin their perception of us and of the marriage my husband and I have.
I know that there is just no way we can be friends after this but it hurts so bad. My husband said he would never be able to see our friend ever again and does not want me around him.
We have all these plans for the summer... all these events like camping, etc. that we were all supposed to go to together that have been booked and everything. Yet now we can't see each other. I know friends are going to find it odd us not spending time together anymore. Questions are going to start being asked and I don't know what to say. I know that it's none of their business but will people eventually figure out that something happened? I'm just in so much pain, so is my friend, and my husband and yet no one around us can know that anything is wrong. How can I get through this?
This happened 2 days ago and I have not been able to eat or sleep.
My husband and I are working on things together and I know that in the future we will be fine again. It will just take a while for his hurt feelings to settle and him to be able to forgive me and me to even be able to forgive myself. It hurts me so badly what I did to him.
On top of that I have lost the truest best friend I have ever had. This is a guy who was one day pretty much going to be the uncle to our children. He's very close with my family as well. Soon they will start wondering why he doesn't come around.
I guess I don't have just one question here but many.
Is there any possible way that even just maybe maybe in a long time that we could be friends again?
Or is this impossible given what happened - Would my husband ever be able to be friends with him again or is this just way too much for me to ask?
Is it possible to be friends with him when he has feelings for me that are deeper than what friends should have for each other?
I feel terribly that when all this is said and done my husband and I will still have each other. My friend now has no one. He's lost both of his friends and I just feel so responsible.
Any advice would be much appreciated. I really have no one to talk to. I can't talk to my other friends or my family. Three people were very hurt because one very stupid thing and I just don't know how to possibly go forward from here.