[MechanicalTears]

Hi,

Lately I've been having a hard time functioning in my life. I am deprived of a social circle (most of my friends left the state for college or I share no big interests with them anymore). It's been high school stress to college stress one after the other. I had to drop a biology course this semester because I couldn't seem to absorb the information.

My depression has to do with a variety of things which I've realized but can't seem to find the willpower to change. Lately, my boyfriend's life has improved. We've been together for about 2 years now. After a hiatus from working he's found another job and is getting things back together again in terms of spending time with his friends and accomplishing his life goals.

I use to be like him. Independent, positive, active, an achiever. Now I am disgusted and sick to say his achievements have made me extremely jealous of him because I can't seem to focus on my own. I'm attached to him by being detached meaning I keep my affection undisclosed but suffer inside (which is odd).

I'm jealous of the fact that he has a lot of female friends although this was never an issue before. I'm jealous that he has a huge social circle. I'm jealous of his positivity as I was always sort of "down to earth" and "realistic". Now I'm just negative.

I want to pick myself back up.. I NEED to pick myself back up, but I am unsure of whether this requires me asking him for space.

It's ironic because now that's he working we'll have even less time to spend together. As is, we see each other maybe once or twice a week and it's usually due to him asking me to hang out. I'm extremely fearful I won't be able to create my own life without him there so I guess this is where my reasoning for space stems from. I'm also fearful that if I ask for this his feelings for me can change within that duration.

Am I wrong for thinking this? How can I pick myself back up without hurting the relationship?

[CarrotTalker]

It sounds like the stress of school is getting to you, which is feeding into some underlying insecurity. Throw in the depression and everything feels completely overwhelming.

What type of problems are stressing you out? Sometimes just writing or talking about them can help ease the stress.

Have you considered counseling to help work through some of the problems?

Try not to focus your stress/anger towards your boyfriend, instead work on re-gaining you willpower to overcome your depression.

[talaniman]

The world does seem a harsh place when minor setbacks and major changes occur, and we struggle to make the right adjustments for ourselves.

Yes you're very stressed because of losing friends, and school troubles, and though your b/f seems to be having a grand time, you're angry out of jealousy, and everyone is happy but you. Sorry for that, but be patient as it takes time to make the right adjustments for yourself, and rebuild your social supports.

Focus on your work, and studies for a while, and let things go, as trying to do so many things at once is VERY hard. Social life comes later. Another thing is since your boyfriend is doing so well it seems and your not, of course your jealous where before you weren't. That's you're emotions pushing those feelings at you and its important you do not take his fun as something personal to resent. When you feel that way, make it a special point, not to speak or act without a lot of thought first, even if you have to count to 10 a million times. This prevents you acting impulsively out of anger, or frustrations, and CAUSING PROBLEMS TO BE WORSE.

I want to pick myself back up.. I NEED to pick myself back up, but I am unsure of whether or not this requires me asking him for space.

No, it just requires you to tell him you have to study, when he asks you to hang out. Most people take space as a rejection, or a loss of interest, but you have to be specific, and let him know your grades are stressing you and you need to study, but will make some date time for him soon. That he will understand better, especially if you treat him nice and are about fun, and not taking negative feeling out on him.

All those feeling will go away as you make progress with accomplish your goals, you just need patience, and be willing to work hard at your studies. Your right, high school to college is a tough transition, and many things will require you to make choices as far as how you spend your time, and focus on the really important things you need to do, (studies), but it will get better, if you keep your cool, stay within the bounds of good behavior, focus on priorities, and don't be so hard on yourself and the ones around you.

New things are always hard at the beginning, but hang in there, as it will get better with time, and a bit of work.

Good luck, and relax.

[myagony1234]

We all have up and down.
It is normal you are jealous over your boy friend's successful well being while you are going through dull time.
You always have to manage your world (focus), along with relationship. Your world and relationship have to go side by side. If your world is completely observed by the relationship, you will feel dependent & threatened, and it will ruin the relationship in long run.
To end the downtime, you need to cheer you up by doing something you are good at (besides of relationship).
Just relax, do not chase your boy friend, let him be cool, and make some plan for yourself to shake the bad mood.
What are you good at? Do you have good friends by your own? When do you feel happy? I suggest you to do something you can improve yourself, such as learning new stuff you like or making over yourself. These are quick fix, and work really fine for most of people. It will put yourself on the ground you can work on your confidence.

[Homegirl 50]

Take care of yourself first. If you are not happy with you, you will not be happy with anyone else.
Take the time you need to get yourself together.
The relationship may or may not survive, but you will be stronger and ultimately happier.
I wish you well

[MechanicalTears]

In terms of school I guess I feel like now is the age that I should be enjoying myself. However, most youth my age are able to manage both having a good time and focusing on their careers which is why I don't understand how I could be having such a hard time.

I need to re-evaluate my career goals as I don't really know where I'm going. I'm a freshman in college and I had it all planned out but now I find myself wanting to transfer schools so I need to start from square 1 again, in relation to the college process which makes me feel like I'm stunting my education.

"Waste of time my freshman year" is how I see it and it angers me.

I'm not even use to a social life, which is why I believe I'm having such a hard time readjusting. As of right now I'm on spring break. I realized how much more free time I could have not knowing what to do with myself.

I need to make new friends and at 18 I'm finding that hard since most people have already required a set of acquaintances from their younger years. I usually spend time with my boyfriend and only my boyfriend. Now it's caught up to me and I have to unlatch myself since he works.

We're both going through sets of emotions that were never felt before in the relationship, so I'm really fearful that our differences in personality may now have the power to ultimately break the relationship. When I'm happy he's indifferent, when he's happy I'm indifferent.

I will just have to buttheads with this.



Much thanks and appreciation to those who have posted. It's certainly gotten my gear turning in a new direction.

[talaniman]

Focus on doing well in school, summer school even and let the social life come to you. That's what the important thing is, and its not unusual to be in limbo that first year of college, and others struggle too, you just think they don't, so stop comparing, and worrying about your boyfriend being happy with you, or a lousy social life.

Get adjusted properly to college, and the rest will fall into place in due time.

[MechanicalTears]

Threads merged


This conversation rose after having a discussion with a female friend of my boyfriend. We were chatting and she asked about whether me and my guy had been intimate. Not surprising to say, she was shocked to find out that I'd never had sex with him after being in a relationship with him for two years.

Quoted, she went on to state "I couldn't hold out for longer than 2 months."

After telling my boyfriend about her comment he was concerned with the idea of whether my honesty with her would spread back to his males friends because they've made assumptions that at eighteen (me) and twenty-two (him) we would have had sex already.

The question of "when I'm going to be ready" is starting to rise in his mind. Although he may refuse to admit it I'm pretty sure he tends to want to shy away from the subject with his male friends because he "isn't getting sex".

He is my first boyfriend. I am a virgin, but going on nineteen I'd like to think I am very proud of holding off. He's never pressured me which is great to say, but at times I feel bad thinking I am depriving him of intimacy in a sense. He says it's not a big deal but I know he is in denial because he doesn't want to feel like he's forcing me to act upon anything.

I have a couple of reasons I haven't been intimate.

For starters, we both live with our parents. I'd like to imagine one of us would have something private (apartment) for us to call our own before I participate in anything. I'm also working on finding a job and handling school which means we won't be vacationing anytime soon unless he surprises me. Third, I tend to be self-conscious of my body at times. Fourth, I don't want to end up getting addicted to something pleasurable that I've been doing without for awhile now.

Is it wrong of me to think this way? Should he have an issue with this?

I am also fearful things may change after we have sex.. I assume this is a typical thought, especially because he is the first boyfriend I've ever had.

[talaniman]

You are doing the right thing for yourself, for the right reasons, and should continue on that path, without regret, as he does seem to understand and goes along with it well. Not pressuring you is a sure sign that he cares for you, in my opinion, but now that the fact is out, so to speak, that your still a virgin, he may get ribbed by his male friends, but even they will recognize maybe secretly, that he cares for you deeply, and even admire him for it. So will his female friends for that matter.

Usually guys like your boyfriend won't really care about what his friends say, and will continue to treat you with the same love, and respect, he already has shown.

That's what you deal with, and not the peer pressure.

He sounds like a great guy to me. Put some trust in his understanding, and be reassured by his actions.