[CageWalk]

Threads merged

Evening all,

My girlfriend of four years and I recently went on a 'break' but now I feel lost and am in need of some advice.

I was the initiator of the break after I discovered she had not gone to a work meeting (as she had told me) but instead had gone out with a male co worker who constantly sends her text messages calling her 'babe' and commenting on her physique. His name is Lorenzo. He is the exact opposite of me in every way.

I then found out that she and he constantly exchange text messages. She calls it 'funny' flirting, but I know that the messages got pretty suggestive with plenty of innuendo.

I confronted her with this last week and we both agreed that a break was in order. She said she needed the break in order to 'find out who she was'. We have both been together since we were 17-18 and after four years she said she didn't have an identity besides being 'my girlfriend'. I thought to myself, that she was right.

She assured me that she was not going on a date to meet other guys. She says just wants to find herself, have some time to herself and then try to get back together. She says she still loves me and sees us one day getting married, going so far as to call me her 'future husband'.

But since last week things have gotten awkward for me. I know she has been out for 5 times in just one fortnight with 'Lorenzo' albeit she says in a group situation. I found out last night he even drove her home several times.

It just seems to me that although she says she wants to get back with me, she is genuinely interested in this other guy. I have asked her and she assures me nothing is going on with him. But judging by the attitude she took towards the messages they exchanged, I'm not so sure. She recently deleted all mention of me from her Facebook bio and relationship status page.

I know she's hanging out with all Lorenzo's friends and she's steadily being introduced into his social circle. Part of me wants to just let go now, to stop the contact and make her realize her mistake.

But it's impossible to just ignore her, when she tells me she loves me, and then continues to go out for drinks with this guy and get chummy with him and his friends and lie to me about it. I feel like she is playing me along in case things don't work out with new boy.

Should cut off contact from her?

The difficult thing is that her mum is having an operation within the next two weeks. I had promised her, for over a year now, that I would help her in any way I could while her mum recovered from surgery. Understandably, I can't ignore her during this time, but how can I reconcile it with myself and how can I go about it?

It's been hard because I'm a novelist and I have a deadline for 100,000 words due to my publisher tomorrow. I have no motivation to write but have been stuck at home for the past week trying to churn out 3000 words a day. All I do is stress about writing and wallow in misery while she goes out and parties with this new guy. This 'break' has been trying, to say the least.

[roogirl]

Lorenzo is the lure that instigated this 'break'. I'm willing to bet my bottom dollar that she's 'trying things out' with him, and she's trying to keep you in the loop just in case things go to buggery with Lorenzo.

The excuses she's made to 'find herself' are exactly that - excuses. You are making yourself way too available for her. Muster all the courage you have and just let her go. Say no to her requests, and don't return her calls. The moment she realises that you won't be her fallback option, that nice green grass on her side will suddenly turn brown.

[WhatN3XT]

Start No Contact immediately. I have been where you are right now and I understand the pain involved. But you must keep your dignity. I know you want to be there for her during her mothers surgery, But it will be to confusing to you as she will continue to manipulate and lead you on to false hopes for the future.

You will get allot of good advice on here. Just try not to spend all your time getting advice, the only reason I say this is because of your 100,000 words that are due. Don't let this consume you. You don't want to screw up your job right now.

As hard as it will be, you must accept the fact that she has found someone new and is keeping you around for her own selfish purporses. Return the favor by deleting her face book pictures and comments also. Remember, you were the faithful devoted person in your relationship... what was she? The answers are painful, let the healing begin.

[ISneezeFunny]

I've been exactly where you are... 8 months ago. Things will get better, but for now, you have to focus on what's important... try to push her out of your mind for now. Do your work, and when you get some free time, fill it with your friends and other activities. You got to cut off all contact from her, as this is the only way that your life can actually start to become more focused.

Best.

[CageWalk]

Thanks for all the replies. I know no contact is the best thing for me now. However, she recently sat me down and spoke to me at length about how she just needed the time, that she still sees us together and that nothing is going on with Lorenzo.

Should I, despite her words, go my on way? I have no concrete evidence that suggests she is lying. Although it hurts to know that she is meeting all these new friends (Lorenzo's friends) and becoming 'one of them' now and doesn't want to involve me anymore.

During the last few weeks of our relationship together she started a new job at armani exchange during college. I remember she would get ready for work with such a spring in her step. Her face would literally glow, she was so happy to start. It often made me wonder if she was really so happy about her new job, or whether there was someone else waiting for her at work.

What have been your experiences in this matter? Can a girl who you've shared so much with (and who you think you know so well) just turn around and lie so blatantly?

[talaniman]

Stop the insecure feelings, and stop wallowing in your own shat! Don't be such a fool for love, that you ignore the obvious. It doesn't matter her reasons for anything , but what is disgusting is you going along with the program, and doing nothing in your own interest.

A relationship that doesn't include working to gether to solve your issues is over, and I don't give a rats patootie what she says, or how she feels. Her actions speak the loudest!

That you are allowing yourself to be lead along with no resistance, shows me she has control, and you willingly gave it to her. This isn't about you, and a relationship. Its all about you, and coping with your feelings in a realistic way, and losing the baggage (HER), is absolutely first.

Stop all contact, and have no further conversations whatsoever, and put your life together without her in it. Stand up for yourself, and have the dignity, and self respect, to love yourself enough to reward her bad behavior with totally disappearing from her life.

Seriously, this seems harsh, but can't be as harsh as the limbo your in now, and its time to get out of it. Tell her to leave you alone!!

[hjpan]

Get that hoe out of your life! It seems as if she doesn't care about her mom or you anymore; instead, she's into this Lorenzo guy. Oh boy, the sugar-coating is this: if she gets with him and Lorenzo says "gtfo", she's screwed. Then, she'll come back to you and ask for forgiveness. But the trick is here: you don't open your door when she's at your door-step. Everyone in world has decisions to make known as CHOICES. Your girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend as I shall say) CHOSE Lorenzo over you, but she says there's nothing going around. If there's nothing going around, then why does she NOT respect your request? I'm 100% sure your ex requested you that if you slept with other girls, she would leave you, right? That's the same for you...

Dude, I was dumped after a one year four months relationship and it's been over 2 months of no contact. Yes, I still get those urges to see whats up and such, but I told myself that if I ever see my ex and she asks me to help her, I'm going to slam my front door in her face just like she did to me; this goes for Tal, BB123, ISF etc. We're doing the same thing together, just different people, location, date, ideas, motivations etc.

Just start packing her stuff up and load it in the back of the pick-up truck cause she's not coming back to your life anymore.

[JudyKayTee]

Get that hoe out of your life!

Curious why all the women in your life are hoes and all the men have little weenies -

[Romefalls19]

Ok, I'm going to try and be gentle with this post. What the hell are you thinking! Why are you sticking around for some woman who is obviously with another guy? Don't talk to friends, to her mom to anyone that has contact with her. This is your problem, the solution you ask... NO CONTACT! Completely elimate her from your life, pack her stuff up. Tell her that it will be on the curb on Monday and that trash day is Tuesday, if she doesn't pick it up on Monday, then it's out to trash on Tuesday just like her. You need to show some manhood here bro, she is playing you like a little child. Of course she says she wants you to be her husband, she's getting her jollies off with someone else while your sitting at home pining over her.

[ISneezeFunny]

I got to hand it to romefalls and tal here.

Cagewalk, I know you think that what you're doing is... how do I put it... right, and you think that your girl is special and wouldn't lie to you, etc. etc. etc.

... and your girl IS special... just like every other girl.

We've all been there. We've all been through it. Romefalls and I went through it about 6 months ago... same exact situation. My ex told me that nothing was going on with her new guy... except... I found out that he was spending nights... and even then, she told me that he was sleeping on the couch.. . and you think, "but...that's your girl...my girl would never lie like that."... dude, my ex was a freaking SAINT at my school... never had a boyfriend before me, sweetest girl imaginable out there.

... sometimes, they're in denial too.

Best way to get closure is to treat her like a stranger. Get rid of her crap, get rid of her, and start moving on.

[Romefalls19]

Got to spread the rep, but Sneezy knows we were in the SAME boat.

My ex, was also a saint, never had a boyfriend before... I was her first everything, then she dropped the bomb "We need to take a break, which went to break up" and if you read me and Sneezy's first posts, we were both b*tches about it... "She's the perfect girl" "I'll never find another like her" all that crap! Look at us now, I don't want to speak for Sneezy, but I can say I am much better off now! My ex is in drastic debt(500 minimum payment for her credit card) and I have a great girlfriend now.

"God will take you through hell to get you to heaven" T.I

[ISneezeFunny]

well, I can't say that my ex is in debt... as I have no idea what her situation is.

As for me... let me outline what happened after the breakup

- lost 30 lbs... due to working out... a lot.
- had to buy new clothes for said weight loss.
- had money to buy NICE new clothes.
- bank account skyrocketed... due to not having to buy dinner and whatnots.
- with the money I saved up to get a condo so we (the ex and me) could live together after graduation, I bought a gsx-r.
- then I sold the gsx-r and used my savings to buy a restaurant.

Currently single, but right now, I really don't care much for a girlfriend... I'm pretty busy, and... I go on enough dates so not worried about that.

so.

my life - girlfriend = decent looking body + business + lots of money left over.

[busterite]

My opinion is that she made her bed and she should now sleep in it! Don't let her torture you like this any more. My advice would be to break any contact. You have left a reply on my post so you know Ive gone thorugh a situation that sounds very similar to yours. She is just keeping that door open just in case things don't work out with this Lorenzo guy. Do you really want to be with someone that acts in such a selfish way? Because if you decide to keep that door open, you are giving her the right to storm in and out of your life whenever she feels like it. Do you really want that?

I understand that you genuinely want to be there for her through her mothers operation but for once put your well being as your top priority and not hers. Do not mess up your life and job because that is something you will regret. In my case this has really affected my job and I really feel terrible and feel like apologizing to my coworkers for the fact that I can't concentrate and do my work properly. I really enjoy what I do and don't want to mess it up and I am sure you feel the same way about yourself. Just hold on in there and try to concentrate by any means possible, because it is just a phase.

I know you have made promises but then again she has probably made promises in the past that she is breaking with her current behaviour. In my case she always said how she never wants to hurt me because I am the love of her life, yet I don't think there has ever been (and I hope there won't be! ) any other person in my life that has hurt me more. In my opinion those are all excuses and when you genuinely love someone you will do anything that is possible to avoid hurting them. To me it sounds as if she is not worth your support and that you should let her deal with her own confusion and NOT drag you down with her. Take the decision to close the door and stick with it. It might feel hard now but in the long term will prove much better than the alternative option.

Stay strong and good luck with it!

[LostInHisEyez]

Dont Leave The One You Love For The One You Like, Because The One You Like Will Leave You For The One They Love...
look at whats in front of you, she's seeing another man now. you can wait and fight long and hard for her, but chances are that she'll tell you off and she'll say it in a wrong hurtful way (i.e I dont love you anymore, etc) So just NC and let it go.

[hjpan]

Curious why all the women in your life are hoes and all the men have little weenies -

You wouldn't consider a girl who is technically "cheating" a hoe?

I would =/

But that's just my point of view...

[JudyKayTee]

You wouldn't consider a girl who is technically "cheating" a hoe?

I would =/

But that's just my point of view...

No, I obviously wouldn't. So was your girlfriend cheating and that's where the anger and name calling are coming from?

[hjpan]

No, I obviously wouldn't. So was your girlfriend cheating and that's where the anger and name calling are coming from?

I wouldn't know... heck, I'm not angry... just stressed out

[hjpan]

Probably from trying to get a Psych degree at a technical school.

I'm actually pursing psych degree in university, not technical school.

[Romefalls19]

All right ladies and gentleman, that signals the end of round one. Lets get back to the original topic instead of going tit for tat at each other! Thank you!

[CageWalk]

Afternoon ladies and gents, thank you for all your answers. In a macabre way its comforting to know that people have been in the same place I have and are now better for it. I think I'll go dig up sneeze and romefalls old posts for good measure.

Update: As I was typing this, she called me on my mobile. I did not pick up. It was hard because try as I might, I still care for her in a strange way. This weekend was the european release of my first ever published work and we had always planned to celebrate it together. It's horrible how even the things you looked forward to together, are now just reminders.

It's only been four days with no contact. I've finished my 100 000 words on deadline and mailed that into my publishers yesterday. Now it's a matter of occupying myself as much as possible. Time off is going to be killer but no contact is working. Each day does incrementally get better.