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jo_dy · Mar 24, 2010, 03:13 PM

I have just chucked out my husband!! Have I done the right thing?

We have from the start had trust issues after he cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship but at that point we decided to give it go... years on I have always had my doubts as to his faithfullness... we broke up for approx 6 weeks in the middle of last year but during this time he begged me to give it another go and declared his undying love etc (this break up was not down to trust in being faithful but to do with other lies) anyway we gave it another go, I have continuously had doubts but put them aside as I new nothing for sure... he stupidly let his guard down and I read a text conversation where he was talking ot a lady he slept with (he says during the time we had broken up) and has got pregnant! (again says baby is not his! )obviously h is not about to admit to all this but my saying no more and time to call it a day... am I wrong?? Should I believe him? He says during this talk with her he is not interested in her or the baby although she obvioulsy desperately wants him still and is very un aware of ME!

Is it just hard right now but is for the best??

Manrod · Mar 24, 2010, 03:20 PM

My opinion on this matter is that trust is a very important factor in a relationship, if you cannot trust him then how can you truly love each other. I would also like to add that based on what you said your mistrust for this person is not unreasonable. So I would say yes it is for the best.

Kitkat22 · Mar 24, 2010, 03:36 PM

I'm very sorry you are going through this. Do you still love him?

Do the same problems keep resurfacing again and again? Have you tried counseling? Can you accept that your personal unhappiness is your own responsibility?

Does your spouse constantly put you down, attack your self-esteem, and/or criticize you? Do you have any respect for your spouse? Does your spouse respect you?

These are a few questions you might look at. Please let us know how you are doing and keep posting. We are here to help!:)

Enigma1999 · Mar 24, 2010, 03:52 PM

Hello Jo,

Kitkat pretty much asked all of the questions I had in mind. So I will not ask again. :)

It is hard to say for I do not know this man nor your history with him. I can say this though, I feel very strongly about you and he sitting down and REALLY getting to the root of the problem! Don't argue, just talk. Maybe counseling could help. Sometimes a third party, who is neutral can help out. If you are in love with him, well then you really need to think about it. If not, then what's the point? However, more info would be good from you.

friend4u178 · Mar 24, 2010, 04:39 PM

Originally Posted by jo_dy

He says during this talk with her he is not interested in her or the baby although she obvioulsy desperately wants him still and is very un aware of ME!!

This is the bit that puzzles me , she is unaware of YOU ???

If that's the case then I think your doing the right thing , if he wasn't interested in HER he would just tell her about YOU.

ohsohappy · Mar 24, 2010, 05:26 PM

Originally Posted by friend4u178

This is the bit that puzzles me , she is unaware of YOU ???

If thats the case then I think your doing the right thing , if he wasn't interested in HER he would just tell her about YOU.

Have to spread the rep, but that was my first thought.

Not only that, he was clearly keeping this other woman a secret from his spouse as well. I wouldn't trust him.

Counseling, maybe, but at this point I feel like maybe she was in a state of denial about her own feelings, and maybe she DOESN'T love him anymore. In that case, yeah move on.

jo_dy · Mar 25, 2010, 12:19 AM

Wow thank you everyone. I don't really no where to begin. I have always loved him and I don't doubt he loves me but I think ultimately he loves himself more. She was and still is unaware of me and he wouldn't put her straight, he is a natural born liar! We have tried counselling before but it doesn't last long and he opts out. This is not the first time he has cheated on me and I doubt since we got married she's not the only one, she's the only one I caught! I find it odd that I can love him still but not trust him even 1% with my feelings or emotions. I now have no respect for him and after what he has done he has shown me he has none for me and I wonder if he ever did. I am hurting so much that he could do this to me but apart from sorry all he says is we were not together! In her text she was saying she hopes he finds someone to love and someone that will love him! He fooled the poor woman about himself and she still wants him and is having his baby, there is no denial of the baby in his text... just that she's sorry he isn't interested. I told him over and over again it doesn't matter if we had broke up, you were begging me to come home and sleeping with her too and were MARRIED! Hello, does that mean nothing, obviously not to him

Jake2008 · Mar 25, 2010, 01:05 AM

I think what he has done is provide the proof in the pudding.

While one side of your brain is being logical and putting the truth together, the other side is saying, is it really true? Am I seeing this right?

You have already taken one big step, and that is booting him out. History is likely to repeat itself in that you will get the song and dance of remorse and reconcilliation, so be prepared to stand firm.

I was going to suggest counselling, but you've already tried that, and in a nutshell said that he loves himself more than he loves you, or loves being married.

I understand what you mean when you say that you find it odd that you can love a man you cannot trust even 1%. But realize that love is just not enough to keep a marriage going. You can love somebody and hate what they do, much like teenagers behaviour, but to choose to live a life with a man who continuously breaks his vows, has no moral compass, and leads a selfish, lying, cheating life, well- what's the point.

Not to mention he has produced a child with another woman that is inconsequential to him. (until he starts paying child support that is... )

Put the love aside, and think long and hard about what your life would be like with him, and then without him. You cannot change him, no matter what you do, or how many promises he makes to be a different man, and a different person.

Had that been possible, it would have happened long before now.

jo_dy · Mar 25, 2010, 02:00 AM

You have hit the nail on the head and see it clearer than me!

Life with him would mean me going mad with suspicion and doubt and I would driv ehim mad with it too. Life without would be hard too, I would miss his good points but I'm now wondering if it was all an act.

He loves being married and being seen within the community as this strong stable happy hard working man so why mess it up!? One of the things I have always asked from him is to not to lie to me and to be faithful and he couldn't even do that...

History has repeated itself and now I'm away from him all kinds of things are beginning to add up for his behaviour and actions and I wonder what was real and what wasn't... because its in his nature to lie I would never know the truth.

Its sad because somewhere inside he is a good man, I pity him and the women he will be with in the future because he won't change!

Jake2008 · Mar 25, 2010, 02:11 AM

That's a good point, it is very sad. No doubt he has his good points, and it is a shame that he can't realize when he has a good thing going, and deliberately makes choices that are contrary to what he should be doing.

It doesn't take much really in my opinion to have personal commitments to another, and keep them. It does, and can happen. Why an otherwise good person would choose to take risks and suffer the consequences is a puzzle I'll never figure out.

I agree that he likely won't change, and the plus side of that is you are putting this all together, and your future will be so much happier without him.

This isn't going to be easy for you, and you'll probably go back and forth a million times, but, you'll be okay I promise you.

Many have been where you are now.

jo_dy · Mar 25, 2010, 02:56 AM

I am finding it so hard and what's even sadder is I would put money on it he is already in someone else's bed. I am angry that I let him do this to me and that he could do this to me, I stupidly believed him when he said loved me and wouldn't hurt me :(. I just don't no how he could do it to me and how he has no regret or remorse or morals about what's right or wrong or he does but chooses to ignore them.
I don't no what to do or where to go from here, he will without a doubt try the usual tac of leaving me for a bit then promising the world to come back but I can't for myself do it. This is so hard :(

Jake2008 · Mar 25, 2010, 08:56 AM

Jody, you are going to get through this, and on a better path in your life.

Accept that you are going to have some really difficult times getting through this, it can't be avoided. In your worst or weakest moments, keep looking past the pain, to that freedom light at th end of the tunnel.

It is greiving a loss. Anytime somebody significant dies, or a relationship dies, you go through what nature has provided for healing. Accepting it may be the start of your healing, and every stage will make you stronger, as time goes on. Eventually you will be settled with the fact that what you experienced getting over him, is over, and it will be a settled memory for you.

It is sometimes easy to skip parts, and what that also does is skip the learning and changing so you can move on with a clean slate. Sometimes skipping those parts can be dangerous, because it is all too easy to blur the truth, and go running back to what was familiar.

Try getting a diary or notebook, and write in it everyday all the mixed up emotions and feelings that you have. Try to keep it to the same time of day. If you are at work, and it gets overwhelming, just think, I can put this aside for now, I will write it out in my book.

Make a cup of tea, sit down, and write your heart out. Then put it away until the next time you need it. Over time, you will see the progress you have made, and things will become far less emotional, and more factual, mixed with parts of anger, parts of affectionate times, parts of a life with him that is not going to happen.

It's hard work getting past such a tremendous loss. Love is not always an easy emotion to make sense of, and no two breakups result in the same outcomes.

Keep working on it, and trust yourself that you have the strength and fortitude to do it.

jo_dy · Mar 25, 2010, 09:32 AM

Thank you for the advice.

I keep sitting here asking myself the same questions... why and how could he do it to me??

I am a believer in bad things happen to bad people so what did I do to deserve this?

I know I'm right that it doesn't matter if we were separated for a short time due to his lies that it makes it right for him to sleep with someone else... why does he think that makes it OK... its not OK for me!!

Its early days yet but I am struggling with this more than I ever thought I would

jo_dy · Mar 25, 2010, 09:37 AM

And also is that where the lies end... was my whole marriage a complete sham? I dread to think of what else or who else there might be out there...

Jake2008 · Mar 25, 2010, 09:47 AM

What is okay, and what is not okay, for you, only you can decide. You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone- they are what they are.

Sometimes we 'allow' ourselves to feel good about ourselves,because our significant other says we are deserving. We feel good because they say we should, we are grateful for their company, because we aren't sure we could do any better. Our identity changes because that is how the relationship works.

It is his needs first, his moods, his goals, his meals, his ego, his sexual needs, his needs sometimes define who we are in that relationship, and we lose ourselves.

When the imbalanced relationship and relationship roles come to an end, we are left wondering, who the hell am I? The sense of self, along with confidence, self assurance, and identity has been compromised so much, that there is as much work to be done on ourselves, as there is in getting over the relationship.

It is almost rebuilding yourself from the bottom up. While working so hard to make the relationshp work, your needs were not met, and you lost interests, goals, friends etc. along the way. Maybe not so much for you, but generally speaking, toxic relationships cost us dearly.

This is where time is your friend. It is a scary prospect to define who we are, now outside of the relationship, instead of on the inside.

Eventually you will realize that your needs are not being met, and it is time to focus on you, and what you need and want, and the courage not to settle because you don't think you can do better.

You will never figure out why he is the person he is, and chooses to be. That's his problem, let him deal with it and move on in his own way.

Try to think not so much about why he did these things to you, and more about how this 'opportunity' has presented itself for you to forge a happy life for yourself.

Kitkat22 · Mar 25, 2010, 10:45 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

What is okay, and what is not okay, for you, only you can decide. You don't need to justify your feelings to anyone- they are what they are.

Sometimes we 'allow' ourselves to feel good about ourselves,because our significant other says we are deserving. We feel good because they say we should, we are grateful for their company, because we aren't sure we could do any better. Our identity changes because that is how the relationship works.

It is his needs first, his moods, his goals, his meals, his ego, his sexual needs, his needs sometimes define who we are in that relationship, and we lose ourselves.

When the imbalanced relationship and relationship roles come to an end, we are left wondering, who the hell am I? The sense of self, along with confidence, self assurance, and identity has been compromised so much, that there is as much work to be done on ourselves, as there is in getting over the relationship.

It is almost rebuilding yourself from the bottom up. While working so hard to make the relationshp work, your needs were not met, and you lost interests, goals, friends etc. along the way. Maybe not so much for you, but generally speaking, toxic relationships cost us dearly.

This is where time is your friend. It is a scary prospect to define who we are, now outside of the relationship, instead of on the inside.

Eventually you will realize that your needs are not being met, and it is time to focus on you, and what you need and want, and the courage not to settle because you don't think you can do better.

You will never figure out why he is the person he is, and chooses to be. That's his problem, let him deal with it and move on in his own way.

Try to think not so much about why he did these things to you, and more about how this 'opportunity' has presented itself for you to forge a happy life for yourself.

Jody.. I'm sorry, I really am! It's horrible when someone you trust
Treats you so badly! Bad things do happen to good people. Don't let this man ruin your trust in everyone. It will take time , but listen to me hating and resenting takes a lot out of you.
.
Let him go. Once trust is gone it can never be truly restored. I think you're feeling some shame on your part as if you did something to warrant his behaviour. YOU DID NOT! You gave him love and made a beautiful home and you didn't break the marriage vows, he did!

I am so sorry but he will not change and you deserve some peace and contentment in your life. Leave and make sure you take him to the cleaners. Clean out half of everything. Or make him leave! You are the one in control. Keep posting. :)

jo_dy · Mar 25, 2010, 11:46 AM

I just don't understand how nad why and keep asking myself the same question again and again... I just can't believe and I don't know how he could do it to me

I don't know what to think anymore about what was real and what wasn't... how many others... how did he think he could get away with it... how can he think that us being on a break makes it OK ish...

Was our marriage real? How much of a fool did he make of me... I feel like he used me for the appearance of a happy marriage and to enjoy all the benefits of a happy marriage and home and to mess around on the side... BUT WHY??

Kitkat22 · Mar 25, 2010, 01:05 PM

Originally Posted by jo_dy

I just dont understand how nad why and keep asking myself the same question again and again.....i just can't beleive and i dont know how he could do it to me

I dont know what to think anymore about what was real and what wasnt......how many others.....how did he think he could get away with it.......how can he think that us being on a break makes it ok ish......

Was our marriage real? how much of a fool did he make of me.....i feel like he used me for the appearance of a happy marriage and to enjoy all the benefits of a happy marriage and home and to mess around on the side....BUT WHY????????????

Sweetie... There's no answer I can give you that will magically take away your pain. I will tell you this.. it isn't anything you did! He's just a cheater. He wants a sweet wife at home who caters to him
And keeps up the façade of the happy couple. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I hope when he cheated he had sense enough to use a condom! There are dangers to you if he didn't. I say listen to your head. There are relationships experts on this forum who can really help you.
Hey we have all been there. My first husband was also a cheater. :(

jo_dy · Mar 25, 2010, 02:42 PM

Oh he never used anythig as he got her pregnant too! Although says he doesn't believe its his and wants nothing to do with it... again what he says doesn't mean it is real... I have no doubt its his and who really knows if he is still seeing her!

I know it'll get easier it just hurts so much and as per the norm he isn't hurting one bit

Kitkat22 · Mar 25, 2010, 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by jo_dy

Oh he never used anythig as he got her pregnant too!! although says he doesnt believe its his and wnats nothing to do with it.....again what he says doesnt mean it is real.....i have no doubt its his and who really knows if he is still seeing her!!

I know it'll get easier it just hurts so much and as per the norm he isnt hurting one bit

Is the baby here! You can always ask, no DEMAND, he get DNA tested.
And the other woman or women, they could care less how a wife feels.
YOU deserve more! I would tell him him if the child is his, he will never be free of the woman. And she will also demand child support, which is the right thing for him to do.

You and that little baby are the ones who are the victims! The baby didn't ask to be brought into this world. Chin up now and we will help you through this. I think your husband is a snake.:mad: