[AlanRock]

I'm 27, and she's almost exactly a year younger than I. She and I have lived together for about 5 years and had a stint in the beginning where she lived across the country and we managed to keep our relationship healthy despite. Until now she has never lied or cheated or done anything short of worship the ground I walked on. Everyone who knew her would always attest to how in love she was with me, and I can tell you I never had eyes for anyone but her since the day we met. We were a perfect love story couple as far as anyone could tell. We had a few fights here and there over the years that seemed as if they went away as soon as they had begun. We had talked about getting married a number of times over the past 3 years, but I never applied myself to do it because she was fresh out of school and I was struggling with my job. We had some run ins here and there about finances and our future, doubts have come to mind here and there over the past 6 months for sure, I started feeling like I needed to step it up and work harder before she lost faith in me as a provider so I tried to communicate with her and encourage her to talk to me about why we seemed to be growing apart. A couple of fights over the past year we said some hurtful things to one another and almost broke up, but it seemed that those feelings were gone as fast as they came and everything went back to normal. We still were un-seprable and very in love after 7 years or so I thought. We constantly checked in with each other throughout the work day, we went out pretty often, and always looked forward to evenings alone together.

This past month we took a week long trip and I made a decision to actually marry her already when we got home and was ready to ask for her fathers blessing. I told her how much I loved her more than the day I met her and that I felt it was time for us to pursue our life together on the next level. This trip really helped me sort my life out, getting away from work and just being with her. I knew she wanted it even a few years back, but now I knew it was a sure thing for me, and the right time... So I thought. She cried in my arms that day, seeming so happy that I still felt this way and more so, she confessed she thought I was looking for a way out at times (which was never the case though I can see where she may have gotten that idea at times). I had recently opened a new business and was dealing with allot of stress trying to be a provider as well as run my business. I feel I was failing her financially and was stressed allot and my attitude towards her at times was less than loving, but usually because she nagged me about working too much and yet nagged me about us not having enough money. I thought we would have everything figured out after our vacation.

A few days later I discovered she had been cheating on me with a co-worker who is about 10 years older than I am since about a month before our trip. I found soon after that she cried because of guilt when I told her how I was feeling. She actually had an apartment already lined up and was ready to leave me for this guy before we went on our trip and I had no chance apparently. She stressed we were bad together and that was that. I watched her leave, move her stuff and it hurt me deeply. Over the next week she and I didn't talk. I missed her so much and told her that this was all a mistake. Then she came around and even spent the night with me a few times at our old home but this guy has been around the whole time since she left. She started telling me that she thought I wouldn't have protested her leaving and thought we were over and that I wouldn't have put up a fight. She said she was confused and didn't want to hurt me and doesn't know what she wants but that she still loved me and there was a chance she would reconsile with me if I'd forgive her. She won't leave the other guy though.

To make things more complex, she ended up in the hospital for the past 3 weeks and asked me not to visit her. I did anyway, bought her flowers and baked her cupcakes. I also visited her on st patricks day and brought her some festivities and we drank green-dyed water from wine glasses since should couldn't have alcohol. She cried and held me, even kissed me goodbye.

She now is going to be getting out of the hospital in the next 2 weeks, and we've since been talking almost everyday. She one day tells me she loves me but needs to see responsible changes in my life before she can come back while the next she says how amazing this new guy is and how she doesn't see us getting back together any time soon. I feel that if I break contact with her ill loose any chance of fixing our relationship and picking up as close to where we left off as possible. Her current mindset says I'm the plan B and I really don't want to be. I've had almost a month to figure out what went wrong and discuss it with her. She has said that the changes I've made have made her reconsider her leaving, but now she needs time to think and would prefer I don't contact her. She still talks to the other guy regularly and says she really cares for him (sometimes says she loves him) but has confusing feelings about me because she knows how committed I am to her. My overall question is what can I do to get her back? I know many will say forget her and move on, she cheated etc... But I've realized just how much of an impact she had on my life and my love hasn't changed and has become more intense. It's a bad situation, any suggestions are welcome!

[myagony1234]

A few days later I discovered she had been cheating on me with a co-worker who is about 10 years older than I am since about a month before our trip. I found soon after that she cried because of guilt when I told her how I was feeling. She actually had an apartment already lined up and was ready to leave me for this guy before we went on our trip and I had no chance apparently. She stressed we were bad together and that was that. I watched her leave; move her stuff and it hurt me deeply. Over the next week she and I didn't talk. I missed her so much and told her that this was all a mistake. Then she came around and even spent the night with me a few times at our old home but this guy has been around the whole time since she left. She started telling me that she thought I wouldn’t have protested her leaving and thought we were over and that I wouldn't have put up a fight. She said she was confused and didn't want to hurt me and doesn't know what she wants but that she still loved me and there was a chance she would reconcile with me if I'd forgive her. She won't leave the other guy though.

Please read what you wrote. I understand you are heartbroken, but why on earth you want her back after she cheated on your back and moving in with another guy while you were proposing??

Are you planned to be cheated repeatedly after marry her?

She chose another guy after long years with you. 8 years is long, and probably the freshness is gone even before marriage. You are rationalizing she cheated over financial stress. The truth is that people do not cheat when they are in love. She is fallen out of love after 8 years, and escaped from you.
1. You say she will not leave the another guy. So, you do not have any chance here. She is gone.
2. If she is not coming back to your arm, your intention to forgive her is useless. You are just pretending you have a choice based on the false hope.
3. If she can leave you for financial matter now, she will leave you in future whatever obstacles show up in life.
4. Why on earth again, will you marry a cheater after trust (your side) and love (her side) is gone? Will you walk into the marriage problems & divorce?

Please open your eyes, see the reality, and take care of yourself. I feel for you, but you will feel better someday. Cheers!

[AlanRock]

To clarify, she moved out on her own, not with the guy, and at the time she broke up with me they supposedly hadn't done anything but kiss. I did stand up for myself the night I found out and asked her to leave so she had stayed with he aunt till her apartment was ready. As I stated we didn't talk for about a week and then she and I tried to reconcile. I don't know what has happened with her and this new guy, I'm not naïve so I only assume, but they've only been seeing each other at best for a few weeks and I know she's confused. Since she's been hospitalized there is no chance that anything is going on now. I want to get her back before she does get serious with this guy. She is so on the fense right now, and being trapped in a hospital I'm sure isn't helping matters. People screw up from time to time, I accept that. As I said, I've had a month to go over what went wrong and she has said she still loves me just doesn't know I'm what she wants forever. But I've seen things sway in my favor recently... But again its not fixed by any means.

[myagony1234]

To clarify, she moved out on her own, not with the guy, and at the time she broke up with me they supposedly hadn't done anything but kiss. I did stand up for myself the night I found out and asked her to leave so she had stayed with he aunt till her apartment was ready. As I stated we didn't talk for about a week and then she and I tried to reconcile. I don't know what has happened with her and this new guy, I'm not naieve so I only assume, but they've only been seeing eachother at best for a few weeks and I know she's confused. Since she's been hospitalized there is no chance that anything is going on now. I want to get her back before she does get serious with this guy. She is so on the fense right now, and being trapped in a hospital I'm sure isn't helping matters. People screw up from time to time, I accept that. As I said, I've had a month to go over what went wrong and she has said she still loves me just dosnt know I'm what she wants forever. But I've seen things sway in my favor recently... But again its not fixed by any means.

Thanks for clarification. I read your post again.

You must be very understanding.
“People screw up from time to time, I accept that.”
Is that meaning if she cheats, (emotionally or physically), moves out, sabotaging your future over new guy, will you still forgive her? Will you still trust her and want to have life long marriage together?

When I was young and in my early 20's, I broke my sweetheart's heart who was serious about getting married to me. I did not want to marry at that age, I prepared for myslef emotionally, and left him, (I did not see any guys though). Yes, I missed him so much because he was sweet and dedicated like you. I actually went back to him after a couple of months, but eventually broke his heart again. Yes, I told him I loved him when I back to him, but I also told him I was not sure if he was all I wanted to have for the rest of my life.

Do you think her love for you at this point is strong enough to make her commitment to you for the rest of her life? New guy and finance matter are triggers to test her love for you, and she gave in and left you. You say the new guy was not that serious material. Then it means your relationship is even weaker than the unformed relationship. It does not sound good either.

I want you to be happy. I really do. But I want you to see the truth to be really happy. Getting married to a girl simply because you do not want to loose to another guy is not a good reason to get married. People shoud marry when they really love each other and they are sure to overcome all obstacles. I do not see the level here.

It seems to me you want to run with her for the rest of life, but she does not have full legs. Or even I have impression that her legs are confused and lead her to different direction.

[itsyerboi]

Firstly she wasn't happy you weren't making enough money? That would put me off somebody, Id kind of feel used?

Secondly there is no excuse at all for cheating. If you want out, tell them you want out but don't cheat.

How could you want somebody back after they cheated on you?

Id personally feel like trying to run them over in my car, Im not sure that's legal.

If somebody can cheat and just sail back into your life, then they will think its acceptable to just do it again.

Im not surpised so many older folk say live your life when you're young and don't think about marriage until you're older. You hear so many stories of girls in their twenties who all they seem to want is marriage, but they're tricking themselves because they want to sample other guys as well as be in a serious relationship.

You can't have your cake and eat it!

I feel really sorry you've been dumped on so badly.

Have you got some good friends and some close family you can turn to for some support?

Bottom line, if she decided to come back and you gave her another chance, in 5 years time would you honestly be happy with yourself for doing that?

[AlanRock]

Honestly, with our history up until the past 6 months, yes, I could be happy with her again... If she went back to being honest and loving again. I see where everyone is coming from with the once a cheater always a cheater thing. But I think this was all a product of bad timing. I know I had created reasons other than money, and she and I have talked through many of those issues since the separation. She has told me she would need to see some changes in my life if she would take me back and that it wouldn't be anytime soon since she has no idea who she is outside of a relationship. My argument is if she wanted marriage and a family why was she looking to find out what its like outside a relationship in the first place. I did give her reasons to leave, but the cheating was what caused it all to tip. He hit on her, she told him no, he pressed on over some time to my understanding and acted cool that she had a boyfriend. He went out with her and some friends and things got awkward for her after then. She told me she tried to say no again, but started getting confused, and is still confused. I can understand getting confused, I've had my moments of doubt, but this all just took off at once. I want to give her space and time, but only if she takes time off him as well. If she truly doesn't know what she wants I want to prove to her I am what she always wanted. This guy is almost the opposite of me and I don't see why she likes him. I see it being short lived, but I don't want to loose her to him forever. I don't know if I should cut ties for a while and let her sort it out alone, or if I should continue to be sweet to her and show her that I haven't turned into the commitmentless jerk she apparently thought I was. She did tell me today that if she never met this guy things would have been easier to fix, but that she also misjudged me and made bad assumptions about who I was or would become which is why she regrets allot of this. If I was thinking what she was thinking about me (though it wasn't the case... Bad bad communication) about her I might have left too. I guess since I can't spell out everything from the past 7 years it would be hard to explane the whole picture. Bottom line is at first I was done with her, but after discussing and clarifying things I know I'm still In love with her and have made peace with what has happened (crazy right?). Now I just want to know how to get her to stop seeing this other guy the moment she's out of the hospital so she can see what changes I'm making in my life. Sorry to keep arguing, I appreciate every answer so far and have taken the to heart. I'm just pushing the envelope to explore all/any possibilities.

[itsyerboi]

She needs to see some changes in YOUR life if she was to take YOU back?

YOU need to see some changes in HER behaviour if you were to take her back.

She's done the dirty on you yet she still seems to have the upper hand...

If I was in a situation with bad communication, I wouldn't go and bang somebody else. (sorry for being harsh) but I doubt you would either.

I don't know what else to tell you other than, if somebody cheated on me, excuses or not, they would be out of my life soooo fast and would never be allowed back in. Unless I had a sudden change of faith, which isn't likely.

Instead of asking for her back, I'd be building up a hatred towards her now.

Every action has a consequence.

[pandead]

Ok let's see if it helps. Imagine you are her.

You have been with someone for 8 years, you don't like the fact that they don't make enough money and you don't see each other much, but oh well, it's life and you are happy with them.
Then one day you meet some guy who is 11 years older than you, like him for a reason and decide not to tell your boyfriend. You visit apartments and he has no clue. You take a trip together and when you come back he says he wants to marry you.

At this point, you still have a chance. You can tell him what you did and beg pardon.

But you don't. Instead you leave him and go with the other guy. But you are confused because of habit, need or love, whatever you want to call it, you end up talking to him. He even comes to the hospital with cupcakes when you're sick.

Again at this point, you know you can have him back if you make the effort, that effort being telling him you want to be with him.

Yet you tell him you "love" the other guy and even if you reconcile on a "healthy" basis, you won't leave your new boyfriend.

What would you think of yourself? Or even worse, what would you think of a friend who tells you this story about himself/herself? Would you ask your boyfriend to change?

You are a guy who makes cupcakes for a girl who just dumped you for another guy. You are not this girl, and for this, you are very lucky.

[itsyerboi]

Ok let's see if it helps. Imagine you are her.

You have been with someone for 8 years, you don't like the fact that they don't make enough money and you don't see each other much, but oh well, it's life and you are happy with them.
Then one day you meet some guy who is 11 years older than you, like him for a reason and decide not to tell your boyfriend. You visit apartments and he has no clue. You take a trip together and when you come back he says he wants to marry you.

At this point, you still have a chance. You can tell him what you did and beg pardon.

But you don't. Instead you leave him and go with the other guy. But you are confused because of habit, need or love, whatever you want to call it, you end up talking to him. He even comes to the hospital with cupcakes when you're sick.

Again at this point, you know you can have him back if you make the effort, that effort being telling him you want to be with him.

Yet you tell him you "love" the other guy and even if you reconcile on a "healthy" basis, you won't leave your new boyfriend.

What would you think of yourself? Or even worse, what would you think of a friend who tells you this story about himself/herself? Would you ask your boyfriend to change?

You are a guy who makes cupcakes for a girl who just dumped you for another guy. You are not this girl, and for this, you are very lucky.

Or to spin it another way. If you were this girl and you took your sap of a boyfriend back because he was there like a flash of lightining as soon as he realised there was a chance to reconcile, would you respect your boyfriend?

I think if a person realises they can just have you at the click of their fingers, their respect for you as an individual must dive to a certain degree. If they don't respect you, they will start taking liberties AGAIN.

My mum was farrrr too soft on my father from what Ive heard so the @ss kept showing up drunk nearly every night after work, along came the emotional abuse, which lead to physical, which could have lead to worse if my mother didn't get the hell out of that situation. Its so easy for things to spiral out of control when bad behaviour is not punished!

[vanheart]

Read what you posted about her.

Run from this. Never, ever speak to this person again.

And don't let this ever happen to you. Ever.

She isn't good for you. Sorry it took so long to find out.

My ex & I were "together" for 5 years too. Whoops.

[vanheart]

BTW, I would read the stickies here.

There the ones at the top of the posts in the relationships directory with yellow icons.

May shed some light.

[talaniman]

The more you talk to her the more confused you get. She is doing her thing and telling you to leave her alone, but you just ain't listening.

She won't leave the other guy though.

That says it all for me.

But what is puzzling, in 3 weeks in the hospital, have you seen the guy?

If you weren't so consumed about getting her back, and not thinking with a heartbroken brain, you would smell a rat, just like we do, that there is something else going on. Something you need to know, that you won't face.

I will give you a clue, this cheater, has YOU feeling bad, about her bad behavior.

Disappear, and clear your head fella, before its to late, and reread all the silly excuses you give to convince yourself your in love. This isn't love, far from it, its dependence for a fix, like any common JUNKIE!!

I think you better listen to these guys who are telling you the truth, because she ain't.

[adamha]

Personally, I think you should be saying to her that you love her but are not willing to be a second option. Tell her you'd love to be with her but you are no longer going to put your life on hold to wait for her to sort out her baggage. Advise her that if she wants you back she will need to come find you because until she's ready you are getting on with life.

This may seem harsh and will definitely feel as though you might loose her (and you might). But women want a leader, someone strong to admire. Pondering around like it sounds you are will not display this to her.

You may spend years wanting to win her back and it may not happen. I spent 4 years being obsessed with a girl and never won her back. A few months after I manned up and set my goals in life and started pressing towards them she saw a man on a mission, and started making contact again. I said to her, this is who I am, this is what I feel called to be - I'd love you to be part of it but if you're not willing to come on the journey with me then I can't take this any further. She responded surprisingly well and we have been together for 10 years, married for 6 and we are having a ball.

My councilor who helped me with this referred to a bible verse that said 'I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces much fruit'. You have to be willing to let it die and move on. It may result in you being together but it may not. Either way it will result in you being healed and able to move on in life.

In regards to the cheating thing - People have made comments that you should just get away cause she cheated. We all have 'deal breakers' that once they're broken the deal is over. You are obviously a very forgiving person and I honor you for that. But don't let you're love and compassion for her rule your life and have you living in obsession.

From my experience obsession sends us down a nasty path of depression and disappointment. Takes our energy in life and points it to one thing - causing us to miss out on all that life has to offer. Despite all the stupid things I've done in my life there is only one regret I have - ALL I MISSED OUT ON WHILE BEING OBSESSED WITH A WOMEN. Bless you