[Lasie111]

I've been with my husband for almost 11 years and at the start there were some small problems which I thought we could work out so there was no big deal. He just couldn't concentrate during sex, his mind would wonder then before we knew it he just wasn't into it any more and he would just give up (yea, I know, does wonders for a woman's self esteem!) Thus begun my ten year battle to try and help him with this. For the first few years I tried the gentle approach, finding out if it was a chemical thing, if it was stress, if it was that he needed his fantasy fulfilled. I even explored if he might be gay. I tried pretty much everything to fancy dress, toys, herbal pills, self-help books, even porn. But nada. There were some okay times but it always came back to him not being able to stay in the game. It got to the point that he would go into it so quickly and it would be over with before I knew what happened because he didn't want his mind to wonder. Not really any better but at least something. Anyway, ten years on, a few kids later and my self-esteem pretty much no existent I have given up. It has only just hit me recently that I am the only one that has been working my guts out to try and fix this, blaming myself for not being attractive enough, banging my head against a wall trying to make it work when it all boils down to the fact that well, he just doesn't like sex very much. At least not with me!. lol Don't get me wrong he is a wonderful husband, an excellent father and a very very decent human being. I guess I just got greedy and thought that I could have the whole package. Great guy, great sex... lol Any ideas that can help me. I have no intention of leaving him, but I love sex and think it is very important for a healthy marriage. He's said many many many times that he will get help for it, go to a doctor, go to a shrink, but he just doesn't. He thinks it will pass and just drops it. I don't even know what a doctor could do to help him! What to do?

[Gemini54]

Sounds like you've done everything humanly possible, except let him take responsibility for it himself.

Why should he do any work on the issue? You've been doing it all for him!

It's his issue - he needs to deal with it. Time to back off and let him know that you love him, and you want to stay in the marriage, but that he needs to make an effort to work on something that makes your sexual relationship less that pleasureful for you.

Do one last thing for him. Make an appointment with a doctor for referral to a sex therapist. Let him know you're putting it in his hands (metaphorically speaking) and its time for him to take responsibility for his own problem.