[SouthernBelle06]

I'm feeling a bit better about my situation, trying to start moving on, but I have one lingering thought which continues to plague me...

After my ex broke up with me for another girl, he wanted to remain friends, to which I said "no" because I wanted him as more that just a friend and it would have been too hard. So I went into no contact from my side to get over it all. He continued to email me and leave the occasional voice message while I was at work. I tried to reply as kindly as I could, hoping he wanted to reconcile and had missed me... but anytime I asked him why he had contacted me again his answer was "I was hoping we could be friends. I never want to lose touch with you." I would tell him, "I'm sorry, but I can't". I didn't want to be in the dreaded "friend zone". He would leave me alone a month or so, then... same thing, which leads to what happened recently.

A couple of weeks ago I found out he is now living with the girl he dumped me for. I still feel a lot of pain over all of this and I am wondering if I had stayed in touch as friends and been around him more, acted like I didn't care, and possibly even visited him in his city as we had planned before ethe breakup... would it have made a difference in this outcome? Would it have reminded him of the good times we shared? Would that have possibly gotten him back? I feel like since I took myself out of the picture he just forgot me and moved in with her, which I'm really hurt over. I know it's stupid and unhealthy to even wonder about all of this or "what ifs" in general, but I find myself doing so anyway. I really cared about this guy and wanted this situation to work out between us.

Did I handle things right by not being his friend? I wound up with an even worse broken heart anyway... :(

[rol]

Yes you handled things right, stop analysing the past.!
If he had not left you for the other girl perhaps you could have tried the steps to get him back. But he had already left you for that other girl... why would you want him back?? Why on earth would you want a cheat? Imagine if you had gotten him back , could you really trust that he would not cheat again??

[SouthernBelle06]

Thanks rol.

He said he "didn't cheat" on me with her. He said they just "talked" before he left me for her. He always told me he had never cheated on anyone before, so I don't know...

I told him I considered what he did to be at least "emotional cheating" if nothing else. He denied that too of course. Maybe he just had me fooled big time.

I just really liked the guy and thought he was one of the "good guys", therfore I wondered if I could have done something different here and gotten him back. I'm just so hurt about the way everything turned out, namely his living with her. I really thought he cared about me and that we had a special connection. I never in a million years thought things would turn out like this.

[rol]

<<He said they just "talked" before he left me for her.>>

Well that's what I meant, not cheating but he did leave you for her..

Try not to think so much about what you could have done... If he liked you nothing would stop him from coming back. Right now no contact is really the best for you.. In a few months you can see if you are ready to be "friends"

[Geoffersonairplane]

yes you handled things right, stop analysing the past.!!
If he had not left you for the other girl perhaps you could have tried the steps to get him back. But he had already left you for that other girl...why would you want him back?????????????????????Why on earth would you want a cheat? Imagine if you had gotten him back , could you really trust that he would not cheat again???

He probably did not cheat on you (physically), somehow, he does not seem like this type..

I think he emotionally cheated on you and had already been setting up the stage for breaking up with you for this other woman you speak of. These cards were probably face down on the table for some time. He showed you his hand when he felt the time was right (for him) - without trying to make this sound like a game of poker. I agree with rol, don't analyse the past so much... I know it is hard, if you read more first thread about my situation, I did all of this analysing of the past.

This is only natural and you are going through a grieving process.. There is no way around the heartbreak, it is going to hurt for a while I'm afraid...

This break may have happened for a very good reason, and when you have healed and moved on, the reason(s) may be more clear to you.. It is easier to see things when you are not caught up in the storm.

Here are some tips though to help you move forward (I'm sure you may know this already but it does not hurt reminding someone in their time of pain):

1.) Maintain NO CONTACT -- NO LETTERS, E-MAILS, PHONE CALLS, TEXTS, NOTHING!

2.) Keep yourself busy, go to the gym, take up an old hobby, spend time with friends and relatives, whatever.. Try to avoid alcohol where possible (it won't help)

3.)Try not to dwell on the past too much, focus on what you can do for yourself to improve you, as a person.

Try to enjoy your new freedom although you would rather have not been given it it.

Try to make the most of this time to focus on you, and you alone.

I bet you come out of all this a stronger person and may even be glad that this had happened in a way.

I hope it gets better soon for you..

[SouthernBelle06]

Thanks Geoff,

Whether he cheated or not before he dumped for this other girl is something that I'm sure I will never have the answer to. What I do know is that I feel betrayed just the same because we had agree to an exclusive relationship. He is the one that asked ME for an exclusive relationship in fact.

Whether he technically cheated or not, the outcome was the same for me. I got my heart broken and he's living with some other girl now. It seems so unfair because I really tried to make this relationship work. I gave him space. I really cared about him. I always kept up my appearance and worked out. Men would hit on me in front of him in fact. I was always faithful though. I would have moved to his city when the time was right. He and I discussed that. I'm not saying I was perfect, but I really feel that I didn't do anything wrong enough to deserve losing the relationship and being betrayed the way I was.

I guess I was just wondering if the no contact from me prompted him to forget me and move right in with this other girl. It's just been on my mind a lot lately. I have a lot of pain and regrets over the end of the relationship that he and I had.

[J_9]

I guess I was just wondering if the no contact from me prompted him to forget me and move right in with this other girl. It's just been on my mind a lot lately. I have a lot of pain and regrets over the end of the relationship that he and I had.

Unfortunately, it is possible that this too is a question you will never know the answer to.

It is probably time that you move on, as painful as it is. We can all look back in the past and wonder, but we cannot change what has happened to us only what is going to happen to us.

You should continue the no contact as it appears you still care for this man and when he contacts you it brings the pain to the surface yet again. When he does contact you, you should not reciprocate. Leave the messages and e-mails unanswered. He will eventually get the idea. But if you answer his mails and messages you are not reinforcing the no contact idea to him, he will continue this cycle.

You are right in that it is hard to be friends and some people are better off not being friends after breakups.

But remember, you can't change what happened yesterday, only change what will happen tomorrow.

[ordinaryguy]

I guess I was just wondering if the no contact from me prompted him to forget me and move right in with this other girl. It's just been on my mind a lot lately. I have a lot of pain and regrets over the end of the relationship that he and I had.

I'm sorry Belle, but you're beating the same dead horse here that you already beat to death in your other thread. No, it wasn't your fault. He dumped you and shacked up with another girl. You were obviously WAY more invested in this relationship than he was, and so it's much harder for you to move on, but IT'S TIME. No more going over the past and wondering if you could have saved it by doing something differently. He is who he is, he did what he did, and he's not coming back. It's over. Let it go. Get over it. And so on.

[wap]

I too, kept analysing things over and over again. It will drive you mad. Try and stop thinking about the past. I am trying now not to look back. I too, think I wish I hadn't done this or said that, but I can't turn back time. Your ex made a decision. You should just try to accept it, I know it is very hard. The best thing you can do for yourself is get a better life, meet friends, do classes, go to the gym etc. Yes. This does sound crazy, but believe me it works. I feel physically and mentally good about everything I have achieved over the past few months.

I think the key is no contact, and to try and get your head over the fact that it is over. I know this is the last thing that you want to hear, it was the last thing I wanted to hear, but for your own good you need to try and accept it. I think if I had no contact from the start I would have felt so much better sooner. It has been just over 2 months no contact for me and I feel so much better. Before I was letting him know what I was doing etc, now I look back and think why did I do that. It hurt when he didn't text me back. Trying to be friends makes the situation worse, it doesn't bring him back, I tried that. I feel not too bad because I kept my dignity, but I wish I hadn't contacted him.

[Sentra]

There are some questions that you really don't want to hear the answer to.

'Dig for dirt, and you will find it.'

It is good not to keep in touch, because the slightest positive connection between the two of you will be mistaken as a road to a second chance and similar to what you had before. As nice as it might have been to be friends with him, you would still be pining and angry that he is with someone else, and not you. You would still be beating yourself up over something you think you could have prevented, but there was no chance.

I tried what he did, wanting to be friends with my ex; it never worked, he took my kindness the wrong way and constantly made passes at me, thinking it would win me back and constantly told me how angry and upset he was over 'us'. That was the last time we spoke... a few years ago.

No one ever really does anything to get dumped (unless its really extreme) so stop blaming yourself. HE made a choice and went with it.

[valinors_sorrow]

I don't mean to sound harsh but you are telling yourself fibs and then responding to them. This guy isn't who you thought he was. You want your fantasy back, not him. But now that you know who he really is, it works best to ask yourself this: so do you still want him -- the man who hides his real feelings and abandons his girlfriend at the nearest corner to run after some honey without so much as a "hey, I am having a problem...can we work this out?"

And you might later on want to investigate how he fooled you so you can take whatever measures you need to for preventing a repeat -- things like go slower, be more objective in the beginning since now you know there are players out there. This is not so you end up jaded or suspicious, just more aware and more careful with you.

And I am with Sentra on this, ex's don't make good friends, they make awkward acquaintances when there is a reason to still be in contact like with divorced parents.

[SouthernBelle06]

Thanks for your advice everyone. I guess I have been seeing him how I wanted him to be rather than how he was. My last ex before him was such a jerk, nothing he did surprised me. Therefore when he betrayed me, that situation was easier to get over. I just thought this guy was different. I'm glad I wasn't so "off" on choosing not to remain his friend and that others find it difficult too. He just acted like dumping me was fine and I should immediately have moved into role of best friend and forgotten everything, which I couldn't do. I guess he would have moved in with her either way. Nothing I could have done about it. Nothing I can do about it now.

[s_cianci]

You were right not to be friends with him. In fact, you should have had absolutely no contact with him whatsoever and not responded to any e-mails or voice mails from him. That actually might have made him miss you more and increased your chances. There's no guarantee but staying friends with him would not have done it, that's for sure. Having contact with him only prolonged your hurt and didn't;t help you towards the goal of getting over him. Being busy and dating other men would have been a lot better.

[talaniman]

Would staying friends have made a difference?

No you would have your heart ripped out by seeing him with someone else. Don't second guess yourself.

[Geoffersonairplane]

You blame yourself too much for the break-up. While we all fall short of perfection, dwelling on the What if's and why's won't get you any further on your path to recovery.

I know that is easier said than done, believe me, I understand but you must try your best!

You can do it!

Friendship would not have saved this relationship.. As tal says, the only thing that would have done would be to hurt you even more when he started seeing someone else.

[SouthernBelle06]

Thanks Geoff. You are right. I think that's really my biggest issue right now... just beating myself up over this relationship not working out. I think that's what has me so down. I don't think it's really even that I want him back or miss him at this point. I know that things would never be the same now after what he did anyway. Also, I'm worried about this same type of thing happening in any future relationship I have. I feel very discouraged about love.

I took it all so hard because I really did my best with this guy. I'm not the smothering, jealous, possessive type by any means. I always gave him his freedom, encouraged him to go out with his friends, went out with mine, was supportive of him, was faithful, allowed him to do the pursuing, didn't call everyday, worked out and took good care of myself, etc. We went out and did fun things, laughed a lot, etc. I really liked this guy and thought we had a special connection.

That's why when it went bad I just didn't understand why and I took it so personally. I couldn't think of anything I had done that warranted being dumped for another girl. I guess I was just trying to make sense of it all somehow.

And you are right Tal. This is exactly why I can't be friend with him. Maybe some people can do the friends with the ex thing, but I can't. I didn't contact him after the breakup and I haven't had animosity towards him (or at least didn't show it if I did). I tried to stay as polite as I could when he would contact me... but the friends thing? Uh-uh...

[valinors_sorrow]

Belle - It is entirely possible you simply hooked up with the equivalency of my brother who is a player extraordinaire and consummate heart breaker. If that's the case then you never stood a chance, honestly. My brother and his six ex-wives could fill one whole Oprah show and that's not even counting all the train wrecked girlfriends, some of whom I met. Sad, bigtime sad. No exaggeration. And I could go into a long diatribe here how he got like that, shrugs. Sweetie, the best you can say over and over until all of you gets it is: good riddance!

At some point when you feel more okay, you may want to look back and see if there was anything you did. Not to deserve it, no one deserves that, but to attract it or allow it. If you find something, I trust you'll know what to do and if you don't, well then ask here, it will be okay. Actually it already is and you just haven't quite caught up to that--- its okay to be not okay for a while, that is how we get recover from the loss. Just don't be so hard on you, okay? You are grieivng which calls for taking it easy for a while.