[talaniman]

I had hoped to remain on friendly contact and rebuild my lost value to her

Get yourself healthy first before you worry about restoring your value, whatever that means. NO CONTACT!!

[4answers]

You get attached easy. Guard your heart and be careful who you hand it too. Youll be much stronger when all this is said and done.

This is true. I liked her and asked her out, so I ran the risk of rejection or getting hurt. She lies to me and then stonewalls me, ends the relationship and moves on and meets another. I am left single and hurt over losing someone I liked.!

Wish I had not asked her out!! Sucks.

This has not had any affect on her, she just used me as a meal ticket. It's the only possible explanation. I feel like such bloody fool.

(I also feel the need for revenge, wrong to feel this way but I do). I won't do anything though, just hard to accept it meant nothing.

Doing no contact, but it hurts not speaking to her, I really liked her, and she said she felt the same. I know feelings can change, but to go from this to Zero emotional interest.

Is there no way people can part in a civilised manner, talk through issues and then if no agreement part. But to lie to someone and then stonewall them once your caught out ! Walk away and be with another!?

Hard to get my head round and hard to accept emotionally.

One of the hardest things is I just want to understand why she acted the way she did.

Its just closure, but I won't happen !

As we were spitting up she would ring me and say she was upset, but still did not want to get back together. She would also say that she loved me but did not want to be with me or lose me all together??

I am doing no contact because I don't have an option! I will move to be with others but I still think this is the wrong road...

I have absolutely no control over this situation, other than do that which I don't want to do. Funny really.

Sorry guys, just angry and hurt... Very confused. Don't see the benefit to her, if like that with me, surly she will be like that with other ? Guess I feel wronged. Very wronged and rejected. Silly I know.

This has really knocked me for six !

Reality that we will never speak again, and that it was a complete waste of time, meaningless is just hitting. Its not nice...

[LBP]

Look at it as a learning experience, my friend. That's all you can do. Trust me, most everyone here has been in your situation. And mostly, we're still recovering! That's the way life is. You'll find a way to make yourself feel good again. Remember, like you used to?

[Copperhead6]

I know how you feel when you wonder how someone can go from really caring about you too nothing seemingly overnight. That usually isn't what happens. She probably started feeling that way a good while before the break took place, she just didn't want to show it because she knew it would hurt your feelings. If you need to rant, this is the best place to do it. Hang in there pal, you'll be fine!

[Skell]

Understanding why SHE did or does things will make it no less painful and experience.

Understanding why YOU did certain things and acted in certain ways, and understanding why YOU need time to yourself to learn and grow also won't make it any less a painful experience. But it will make it a valuable experience and one that you won't regret so much in the long run!!

[Skell]

(I also feel the need for revenge, wrong to feel this way but i do). I wont do anything though, just hard to accept it meant nothing.

This is not a good idea and I promise you will not help you in any way! If anything it will set you back and prove to her how immature you are and validate why you are now single. Please concentrate on yourself and not her.

Its just closure, but i wont happen !

There is no such thing. You will always have questions that you think need answering. Don't dwell on the past. I always hear people striving for closure by seeking answers, but even once they get their answers it opens up more questions they need answered in order for them to get their closure. It is a continual cycle! The only way to end it is stop worrying about the answers to questions relating to her, and worry about answering your own questions regarding yourself!

I am doing no contact because I dont have an option! I will move to be with others but i still think this is the wrong road.....

I have absolutely no control over this situation, other than do that which I dont want to do. funny really.

You do have options and you do have control! Do the no contact because it will better you and take control of your life and emotions and grow and learn from this. This has nothing to do with being a last resort. It is to do with it being your best option!

Reality that we will never speak again, and that it was a complete waste of time, meaningless is just hitting. Its not nice......

Its only a waste of time if you learn nothing from it. There are endless opportunities here for you to reflect and learn what you did wrong. Think about yourself critically (not too critically though) and improve aspects of your life you aren't happy with. It is only a waste of time and meaningless if you let it be. Perhaps another example of how you can take CONTROL and not let it be a pointless exercise don't you think??

There is a good thread that Geoff started about age's and relationships. READ IT!! It evolves into much more than just a conversation about healthy ages for serious relationships! It discusses the value of failed relationships and what we can take form them. Please go and read it and think about the great points made by many wise people!

[Skell]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ips-59586.html

Here is the link to that thread I'm talking about above. Please read it!

Oh yeah, and I think I have finally worked out the Chuff style of answering!! Only taken 8 months!! Ill only use it sparingly though Chuff. That's your domain and I love to see people get Chuffed by the master! ;)

[4answers]

I guys, second day true no contact, very mixed up feelings.

You were all right, I should have done no contact straight away!! But at the time I did not know about it or the benefits of it. Instead I did the needy ex boyfriend and pushed her away further, because she was moving away from me, this constant rejection caused me to be angry and I lashed out, pushing her further away and lowering my value to her.

I did a period of no contact to be able to step back from the emotional attachment and stop the needy obsessiveness. It worked, but at that time she had stopped speaking to me. I then initiated contact to try to get her to like me again so that we could look to rebuild the relationship. Howeve she simply played games at this point, (indicates that she was not really interested but liked the attention). I tried to limit the attention but was really nice to her, in each contact.

I was not on line for a couple of weeks, when I did go on line she had removed me from her contact list, but not blocked me. So that she would not know I was online. I sent a nice emial saying if she wanted no contact that was fine, but not what I wanted. (I have learned to not act on my anger). So she placed me back into her contact list but with a photo of her and a guy. Gutting. I did not react to this straight away and left it as it was. She was online but away, so I am presuming this was so that I would definitely see this ! (this was the girl who said that she would not tell me about any other as she would not hurt me !).

Logged on 2 days ago , not to talk to her but just to talk to my familly, as soon as I log on she loggs off, so I remove her from my contact detail. Last night I blocked her. Hurting like hell because we will never speak again and she is with another.

My problem is: The initial break up was caused by her, but due to my poor way of handling it, needy obsesiveness I have lovered my emotional value to her and pushed her away. Into the arms of someone else!!

*** She will see the blocked msn and will either not be bothered as it has no value or will be bothered as we will never speak (she has pushed me to this). Because she pushed us away instead of trying, my being unable to handle this has pushed her farther away but she is now happy that something that was so nice to her is meaningless and she is with another.

Finding this very hard to cope with, it is fundementally wrong ! Surly she should be bothered, I mean you don't enter a relationship for it to end in bad terms... Why does she just not talk things through ? The fact that she does not proves that I mean nothing to her and that our time together also means nothing... How can she be like this ?

[wap]

Sorry to hear you are going through so much right now. It sounds like she was playing games with the MSN thing. The best thing you can do, is what you are doing now. Basically have nothing to do with her. You should change your profile, so that you can't see her when she is online, although you have blocked her why torture yourself.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Quit with the games 4answers, she loves the attention but cares very little for you.. Sorry if that hurts but you must face this truth. She is immature for putting that picture of her and her new partner on MSN. Don't play into her hands, block her and delete her. Try to forget what she thinks and feels. I have done the same, still do at times and it really hurts I know but you are just really struggling letting go and I think you are in major denial and this is where all these threads about No Contact come from.

I don't believe for one second you have ever used no contact for what it's real purpose serves. Now you know she is not worth it and does not care, the best thing you can do for yourself is quit questioning her and how she feels or what she thinks and begin using no contact for what it really is>>to work on yourself and finally let go.

Surely you know you are worth more than this. I know how you feel because as you probably are aware from reading my threads, I have gone through a similar process. If not, read my threads and know that what you are feeling is normal. I think the problem here is with the fact that you are uncomfortable with the fact that she is moving on and you still have this false hope that she will come back which quite frankly, if you continue to latch onto, will drive you crazy.

I mean what I say with the greatest empathy and understanding having experienced this pain and many others know what you feel too. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

[4answers]

Thanks Geoff. You are right, I have avioded full no contact, used it to step back emotionaly so that I did not push her further away. I guess I am finding it hard to accept that I was used and deceived, all be it at the time she may not of meant it with malice, but no one likes to be used. So when I caught he out on a lie, it was just not worth it, for someone she was just using to provide her with nights out and meals, etc.

She put on a image of a person different to who she was. (guess we all do! At the begining). However I liked who I thought this person was. And unbenown to me I developed strong feelings for her!!

As a person I don't just treat relationships with flipancy, if I like someone I want to try to make it work and work through problems.

Basically she met a lad who liked her, seemed nice and took her out. This guy was spending time and money on her (I know silly mistake). She enjoyed this and did not wish to lose this and so put on her best impression, which is totally not what she is really like!! Stupidly I miss the person who I thought she was...

When away she has seen a lot of opertunity and because I was away and disagreed with something she seems to find acceptable, she stopped trying. I did the needy ex which did make things worse.

I have blocked her, deleted her 100% I am just angry that I acted the way I did and that I was so LOVE BLIND as to not see things.

Guess I just rushed in to deep to soon, without getting to know her. And now that I care, the real her hurts...

Sorry to vent ! I want to say all this to her but cant. Hopeing it will get better in time.

Thank for your support.

The guy of all hope... lol.

[Forever21]

I am sorry to hear that you are so heart broken. I know you are going through allot of pain right now but just know that at the end you will be the one winning. It always takes another hurting us to realize how good we had it before. I know that this is not the best solution but it helps me to get over a relationship by seeking attention from someone else. When we have someone else that likes us and care for us and fills that empty void it helps allot to tune that person out. I know it is stupid but it works for me. I do hope you heal soon you sound like a great guy. And that whole msn thing was a mean way of her saying that she is not interested and is moving on. Hope all goes well for you

[valinors_sorrow]

Sorting through your part in this to find what you did wrong is a good sign. But like Forever said, if you are dwelling on her, find a way to change the channel for your own sanity. In other words, think about the principles involved but not the person. Now that you know how dishonest even well intentioned people can be -- use it to acquire discernment about others. Go slower, so that you will have time and experiences to see the person in lots of different situations. Get confirmation of who they are from a variety of sources too -- their family, friends, coworkers, etc. And look to see if what they say matches what they do over time. Phoniness does not endure conditions like that easily. Make sure your love and your trust are in tandem and well founded too.

Also, believe it or not, make yourself more transparent, more real. Best foot forward, sure, but give up the mask yourself. Being real is a very powerful place to come from. It makes you more bs-proof, not less. See it not as a vulnerability but as confidence, which can be very sexy. Suffer this defeat, this rejection telling yourself it is a survivable event to strengthen to your ability to take this risk of being real. It will make those who would play games shun you and those who would match your ability to be real come forward. Phoniness is really afraid of authenticity -- trust that a lot in the future. There are some wonderful and very real people in the world, some of them cute girls too!

I am sorry for your loss but, used wisely, it could make for a very different path for you from here on. I hope this helps.

Naïve youth + painful experience = wisdom only if you choose it to. I think you've made a nice start on it here too.

[JDOP]

I'm sorry for you dude, but you just have to let go now. It is not easy (I speak from experience), but you must, for your own sake. Let it go, you are only irritating her, and making it much worse for you and her.

[LBP]

And it is important to remember that your actions played a role in this, just as much as hers did! Don't walk away from this without learning anything about yourself... It just wouldn't be worth it.

[Wildcat21]

One thing - you shouldn't EVER be contacting women consatntly by the internet. EVER. Light stuff OK. Short sweet - your done.

But quit the IMing, texting, e-mailing - it's for cowards.

Call her up (NOT THIS GAL!! ) -use the phone. Let her hear your voice.

NEVER communicate anything seriously by e-mail, texting, IMing - the message usually does not come out right. It's lame. It's insincere.

You should do all communication face to face.

Guys should never be on the phone with a gal for hours - yuck!! Or IMing for hours - YUCK!! That's for her GIRLFRIENDS!!

Don't you have better things to do? You should be busy a lot - women will love you for it!! Love you for it.

All this new electronic technology can ruin a relationship. Be busy. Call women - keep it short. Save the conversations for face to face.

IMing is HORRIBLE for relatoionships!! Horrible.

[Copperhead6]

I agree with wildcat 200% on this. I can remember when I was a younger man how important it was to me to talk to people through instant messenger and all that stuff. But somewhere in it I just got bored and now I couldn't care less who is online. I may make idle chit chat at random but that stuff doesn't mean a hill of beans if you are living your life off the computer! You may want to chill out on the messenger completely for awhile! You'll be amazed at how you don't even need it!

[Copperhead6]

4ANSWERS, MY FRIEND, its time brother! I have gone back and read your numerous post and you have hurt, gotten good sound advice and came back for another dose of it. You have gotten compassionate advice and you have gotten harsh advice. Its Over. You have a serious obsessive problem, its evident by your numerous posts on here. This obsessing is probably what drove this girl away and it is probably going to be what drives the next girl away if you do not start looking inward and facing these demons that lie inside of you. Hurting is not the end of the world. This Relationship is over with a capitol O! Take what you have learned from it, which is to guard your heart and don't be so obsessive and start to think of your life without this woman because it is never going to happen. Every time you start to think of something new to ask go back and read through every single post you have made and every answer you have gotten. If you still want to ask then ask. But as long as you refuse to move on you are going to stay in this stage. Man up. Take a little pride, and take it like a man. You'll respect yourself much more for it down the road. That's all I have to say.

[4answers]

ALLHEART, MY FRIEND, its time brother! I have gone back and read your numerous post and you have hurt, gotten good sound advice and came back for another dose of it. You have gotten compassionate advice and you have gotten harsh advice. Its Over. You have a serious obsessive problem, its evident by your numerous posts on here. This obsessing is probably what drove this girl away and it is probably going to be what drives the next girl away if you do not start looking inward and facing these demons that lie inside of you. Hurting is not the end of the world. This Relationship is over with a capitol O! Take what you have learned from it, which is to guard your heart and don't be so obsessive and start to think of your life without this woman because it is never going to happen. Every time you start to think of something new to ask go back and read through every single post you have made and every answer you have gotten. If you still want to ask then ask. But as long as you refuse to move on you are going to stay in this stage. Man up. Take a little pride, and take it like a man. Youll respect yourself much more for it down the road. Thats all I have to say.

Thank you, and thank you all. I do have an obsessive side to my personality. I have used this site to deal with and ask the questions that I could not keep in side or ask her.

I am moving forward, I do regret the way things have transpired, but hell that's life.

Just to clarify, out of the 4 month period with this ex girl, I only lost to my obsesive actions for a couple of weeks, text messages to her. (not good, not proud, very hard to handle). Since that period a while ago we have spoken and she knows it was not intentional. I did need to do that for a matter of self pride. So that I am not thought of a crazy stalker. So we have parted on better terms. I am now in full no contact, not easy. I still have the feelings that I want to correct the past.. I know I know. But you can't prevent feelings. I also have the feelings that I want to make up for my poor way of handling things. Again you can't help feelings.

But I do realise that the only way I can heal now, move forward and appear with dignity and respect to all involved in the past situation is through no contact, for me. I am very pleased that evan though she has moved on, I did not act on my emotions, kept a leval response and dignity.


Some of you have suggested councilling. To clary I have behaved once this way in the past, Unintentional but a lot worse and I recognised that this was a repeat cycle. I have a problem with rejection. I did councilling in the past. So I am aware that I don't handle breakups very well. A little codependancy, a little arrogant manly pride and obsesivness.

In a relationship non of these are present, I just react badly to the loss of the interest of someone I care for. That is why I have hounded this site so much. Sorry guys, much rather bug and harass the s*** out of you as opposed to her, and appearing like a stalker and destroying her life and my dignity.

So I know my posts have appeared mixed up and that I was not, have not take your very good and kind advice. Believe me I have.

I had to first of all regain some semblence of respect from her. (Proirity for me).
Then I after the period of no contact tried to get it back. (Had to know, can't live with what ifs).

So now I have done both, I now am looking to fully heal myself, can't say I won't have relapses, because I will. I have learned a lot from you all. The biggist and most important leason is that when its ends and I am emotional highly charged I need to do No contact form the start so that I can emotional step back and deal with the situation without obsession. First time I did not do this, this time at the end of the relaitionship I was not aware of the benefits of no contact, as soon as I was, I did this and it worked, stopped the obsessivness.

So I thank you all. I would be in a very very bad place now, without your support and she would also be unhappy.


4 answers.

[4answers]

I feel OK. Still have the feelings, desires etc. sleepless nights, but resisting the urges and keeping busy.

Bloody well should have done this from the start ! Still I am a man and we are the dumber sex.. lol.