Ask Me Help Desk - I need advise, please help

:( Hi, Can you help with some advice.

I began seeing a girl (18) who is bisexual and who I really liked. When I started seeing her she told me she was going to university in a month. Because of this I thought it would be nothing serious. We had a month of great times and became really close. (honeymoon period). When she left for uni, she wanted us to continue together as a couple.

During her first week away. She missed me and I travelled down to see her. Everything was great. We used to talk all night on every subject. However the subject came onto sexual fantasy and 3 sum sex. We discussed a role play fantasy situation in which another man was involved. After wards she told me she had already done this with a previous partner and a friend of his that she did not know. A stranger! The girl had previously made a huge effort to tell me that she did not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger, she could not do it and that's why I could trust her.

When I heard this, I questioned around the subject of it being a stranger, but instead of discussing and reasuring me she closed off and stonewalled me. This lead to me doubting the type of person I was with. I subsequently lost my temper and said some horrible things about her. She ended the relationship. I had not just stopped to listen to her side of things.

I have since then tried to get us back together but she just wanted to remain friends. Every time we talked or texted each other we ended up in an argument. I got angry at this, frustrated and lashed out, saying again some horrible things. She is now not speaking to me.

I really love this girl and I am angry at my reaction and want her back. However she is not speaking to me at the moment.

Can you advise on how I get this girl back into my life and also how I deal with what she has done!

If she had done this as two couples experimenting in their sex lives I could accept this. But to be uses as a sex object from a man who will brag about this as a trophy and her ex partner who has clearly shown her no respect is disgusting to me. How can she let herself be used like this, especially when she acts and gives off the impression she is totally different.

She is now saying that this action was a mistake, evan though she did not say this at the time. She is friends with all her ex's and says I have treat her with more disrespect than any other partner. ( I did not let my friends use her? ). This hurts.

I am very confused as to where to go now, how to proceed. Can you helpl

Sorry that you are hurting. My first impression here is that the two of you may just be incompatible in your sexual beliefs and practices. If so, you may just want to consider being friends only. If you do decide to be friends or if you do get back together you will have to figure out a way to forget the past and move on in the present together. If you can't trust somebody, you shouldn't be with them. Since she isn't speaking to you anyway, give her space and leave her alone. If she gets over her anger and misses you, she will contact you. Maybe then start slowly and try to be friends if you like and see if it leads to more if that's what you want. May be a mistake though because as I said before, you may be sexually incompatible leading to an even uglier breakup in the future if you can't deal with certain things. Nothing wrong with it if you can't. You know what is right for you or not. Just proceed with a lot of caution. Probably best to just leave it alone and find a more compatible girl though in my opinion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

:( Hi, Can you help with some advice.

I began seeing a girl (18) who is bisexual and who I really liked. When I started seeing her she told me she was going to university in a month. Because of this I thought it would be nothing serious. We had a month of great times and became really close. (honeymoon period). When she left for uni, she wanted us to continue together as a couple.

During her first week away. She missed me and i travelled down to see her. Everything was great. We used to talk all night on every subject. However the subject came onto sexual fantasy and 3 sum sex. We discussed a role play fantasy situation in which another man was involved. After wards she told me she had already done this with a previous partner and a friend of his that she did not know. A stranger! The girl had previously made a huge effort to tell me that she did not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger, she could not do it and thats why I could trust her.

When I heard this, I questioned around the subject of it being a stranger, but instead of discussing and reasuring me she closed off and stonewalled me. This lead to me doubting the type of person I was with. I subsequently lost my temper and said some horrible things about her. She ended the relationship. I had not just stopped to listen to her side of things.

I have since then tried to get us back together but she just wanted to remain friends. Every time we talked or texted each other we ended up in an argument. I got angry at this, frustrated and lashed out, saying again some horrible things. She is now not speaking to me.

I really love this girl and i am angry at my reaction and want her back. However she is not speaking to me at the moment.

Can you advise on how I get this girl back into my life and also how I deal with what she has done!

If she had done this as two couples experimenting in their sex lives I could accept this. But to be uses as a sex object from a man who will brag about this as a trophy and her ex partner who has clearly shown her no respect is disgusting to me. How can she let herself be used like this, especially when she acts and gives off the impression she is totally different.

She is now saying that this action was a mistake, evan though she did not say this at the time. She is friends with all her ex's and says I have treat her with more disrespect than any other partner. ( I did not let my friends use her? ). This hurts.

I am very confused as to where to go now, how to proceed. Can you helpl

You are confused because you are in a confusing relationship with a woman who is confused. I don't know this woman's background but I feel she has a lot of issues to work through on her own. I know this is hard to hear but I feel that she has done you a favour by ending this relationship and you should not try to get back with her as she is emotionally very immature.

Wow, what are you doing? Don't things like that you know it is not correct, what about diseases? What about feelings? So it just about sex? You want a person just for sex or to have a relationship? I always say the same , you know the answer better than anyone

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

We used to talk all night on every subject. However the subject came onto sexual fantasy and 3 sum sex. We discussed a role play fantasy situation in which another man was involved. After wards she told me she had already done this with a previous partner and a friend of his that she did not know. A stranger! The girl had previously made a huge effort to tell me that she did not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger, she could not do it and thats why I could trust her.

When I heard this, I questioned around the subject of it being a stranger, but instead of discussing and reasuring me she closed off and stonewalled me.

First things first, what happened in her past has nothing to do with the relationship you were in with her. You cannot dwell on someone's past, everyone has a past and you should always look to the future.

There is also a possibility that she was lying about what she had done and yet was using this to fulfill her own fantasy you describe. When you questioned her about what she said, she may have just closed off because she did not want to dive deeper into the lie. That is a possibility but not necessarily the truth.

She may have closed off because she had done what she described as a fantasy yet did not want to discuss it because it made her feel substandard in the opinion of yourself, someone she was then in a relationship with. This again is a possibility but not necessarily the truth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

When I heard this, I questioned around the subject of it being a stranger, but instead of discussing and reasuring me she closed off and stonewalled me. This lead to me doubting the type of person I was with. I subsequently lost my temper and said some horrible things about her. She ended the relationship. I had not just stopped to listen to her side of things.

I am not surprised she ended the relationship. You were questioning her past too much and if it is true about what she did, personally I would not judge her as a substandard person. Like one of the previous posters said, she may have different sexual beliefs at this stage in her life with her being so young. I am not condoning this type of sexual practice yet before she was with you, it was her choice to experiment in this way if she felt that this was fulfilling part of her self discovery. What you must remember is that she was with you in a relationship and I see no sign of her indicating that she wanted you to take part in this kind of practice and yet you judge her by what she indicates she has done in the past. When she told you this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

The girl had previously made a huge effort to tell me that she did not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger, she could not do it and thats why I could trust her.

She may have been feeling that she must make a huge effort to say this to you to avoid the very critical opinions you have now placed on her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

I have since then tried to get us back together but she just wanted to remain friends. Every time we talked or texted each other we ended up in an argument. I got angry at this, frustrated and lashed out, saying again some horrible things. She is now not speaking to me.

You have pushed her away through the way you have judged her and now perhaps made her feel substandard. She does not want to be with someone that sees her this way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

If she had done this as two couples experimenting in their sex lives I could accept this. But to be uses as a sex object from a man who will brag about this as a trophy and her ex partner who has clearly shown her no respect is disgusting to me. How can she let herself be used like this, especially when she acts and gives off the impression she is totally different.

I cannot help but feel that this has more to do with your own insecurities and whether you feel that you can live up to her expectations based on the things she says she has done. Be honest with yourself here because it may explain the reason you reacted in the way you did. I am sure you care and you would not like to think of the one you care about being used like that but the PAST IS THE PAST!! I could be wrong but insecurity can disguise itself in many forms and sometimes we can project our insecurities onto others, a kind of denial so that we don't need to deal with them. I am not a psychologist and I can't read minds but it seems logical that this could perhaps explain why people behave in certain ways.

You must also realise that sex is only a small part of a relationship with another person. It is a physical bond that is surrounded by the emotional bond that you have together. There is so much more to a relationship than dwelling on someone's sexual past and for a successful relationship to work, there needs to be trust from both sides.

Personally, I think she is too young anyway to be in a serious relationship and perhaps you may be too?

You are probably going to meet other women in your life who you develop an emotional attachment to who have a past. Try not to judge someone too much by their past but look at how they have improved and developed as a person. It all takes time!

Nothing more I can say, except good luck with whatever happens and I wish you well!

This "relationship" is a little over a month old??

Too much + too fast = crash and burn. Usually fatal too.

You are essentially acquaintances acting like a married couple! YIKES, how is that supposed to work?

Next time slow down, slow waaaaaaay down. Try dating instead of jumping into a relationship that won't hold up because its too fast.

I see two issues here: Your anger, and your conflict over this girl's past.

You've written that a few times you've lost control and "said some horrible things". It's okay to be angry or upset, but you cannot be malicious or hurtful. You can't let your anger turn you into a monster. This is something you need to address with yourself.

It understandable that you're confused by the difference between this girl's words and her actions. Have you considered that maybe she feels as she does about "sex with strangers" as a result of her 3-way experience? You can't really know the entire story and background, so to jump to a conculsion would be a mistake.

I suspect you have more feelings of jealousy than of mis-trust for this girl. She's done the things you've only fantasized about. By speculating about how "she allowed herself" to be "used as an object ... or trophy" is doing nothing but poisoning yourself and feeding the anger.

I don't think she's engaging on very healthy behaviour either - but then again at 18, we all make bad decisions.

Temper, temper, If I were her, I would have kicked you to the curb also. For now forget everything else, and work on controlling your anger and expressing yourself in a more mature positive way. Your temper will ruin any relationship with anyone, even your dog if you don't get a grip.

Yeah, I agree with tal (again)..

Mind you, if you lose your temper with a goldfish, you may just get away with it and still maintain that bond. Don't they have a 6 second memory or something?.

No, on a serious note, I agree, you perhaps have anger problems in addition to what I said previously and perhaps need to work through these to adjust to a more healthier YOU!

THANK YOU GUYS.

Thank you guys for all your advice, some of hit was harsh reading but that is what I needed. I am looking at anger management at the moment, as this is an issue for me.

As for the girl, all the comments made are right. I have found out she is a self harmer, so my comments and actions would not of helped her, especially if she cannot express her own emotions. Doh! I would like to however make up for the hurtful, judgemental comments I made. I do not like the thought of someone thinking that is the real me.

I know I will never be back with her, too much to work through for that to happen. But I would like to part on a friendly basis.

Any suggestions?

The best way to part is be honest and up front. It may hurt her a little but it is in my opinion the only way to do it.

If your honest then that is being a true friend. True to yourself and true to her. Who knows, your bit of honesty might be what helps her get on the right track!

Hi for all those who have read my previous post, thank you all for your great advise. I am addressing all the points raised.

My proplem is that I have shown a lot of disrespect to the woman I love. Through frustration and anger, I lashed out. I am sorting my angry emotions out, but I want this girl back in my life.

She is not speaking to me and has asked me to leave her alone. Because I have been judgemental and disrespectfull she does not like me as a person. This is not the real person that I am.

I last spoke to her 5 days ago, when she said that we will not be friends. I have done the no contact rule for the last 5 days but this is killing me. I want to send her flowers to apologise and say that I made mistakes but don't know if this is wise.

How can I get this girl to be back in my life after what I have done?

Any advise?

Hi 4answers,

I am aware of your thread and the situation you are currently in.. here is a link for others if they need background to help respond: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...elp-45308.html

I think you definitely need to give it time for the dust to settle. You have hurt her by judging her in the way you did and now you are consumed with guilt because of that. Essentially, you took out your own anger and insecurities on her and now you have become aware of this problem, you want a chance to put it right.

Do you think going back with her now will resolve these problems you have with anger and any insecurities you have? Just because you recognise the problem, it does not mean you can wave a magic wand and put it right.

I quote you on what you said in your previous thread:

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

I know I will never be back with her, to much to work through for that to happen.

You are contradicting yourself now by saying you need her back in your life. You know however that there are things to work through relating to yourself and these things will take time for you to resolve.

Honesty is a good thing and admitting when you are in the wrong is a bold move. Flowers are unlikely to bring her back. Was the relationship quite young in terms of how long it went on for? If I am correct, was it just over a month old?

You see, if this correct, you were only with her for a short period and already your anger and insecurity had surfaced very quickly. She saw this and runs a mile before things get too deep.

Personally, I think she is gone for good and she has made this quite clear to you. Pushing her and trying to convince her otherwise is not going to work. It will push her further away.

I don't think any pain from this loss will last very long if you have not been emotionally invested in this relationship for very long. This in a way is the good thing about your situation. It leaves you with the freedom to take positive steps to work on your problems and make improvements to yourself, without the suffering that grieving will give you. That is not to say that you won't be a little hurt and perhaps feel a little rejected.

Who knows, if you did this alone, maybe she would come back but at the very least it would help you in the future to avoid the same mistakes and to have a more healthy relationship.

I wish you all the best in your voyage!

Yes, I remember you.. What exactly have you done to work on your anger issues, your history of showing disrespect for women, and your loss of self control in expressing frustration? Who have you gone to? What are your goals and how are you to achieve those goals? I am asking who has outlined anger amanagement strategies with you and agreed to counsel you? I do not need the name of the person - but want to know if you are truly following through. Anger does not go away on it's own.

As far as the girl is concerned, please let her have her own life. You keep pressing her and it is not going to draw her closer. You could find yourself with a restraining order. Then what are you going to do with your anger?

Please please get yourself well. History repeats itself time and time again UNLESS there is a conscious, dedicated, educated effort to make the difference. And do that for yourself, not because you want this girl in your life again.

Best mental health to you!

You need to work on yourself and your issues first before you can have any kind of relationship with her or anyone else. Forget about her for now and work on you. See a counselor and get the therapy that you need. Then after you truly do change for the better maybe you can give it another go.

Forget the girl. Work on your own problems. Flowers will not help you so get smart and get help if you need it. If you wanted answers why didn't you take heed in your other thread?

What are you doing to tackle your anger issues?

A real apology is to correct the action that caused the harm in the first place regardless whether it gets you the girl back or not. Anything short of that is only an attempt to smooth it over that only the foolish buy. This may be a lesson to you that while some things are preventable, other things, once damaged, are not repairable. Trust often is one of those. For me, any sort of abusive behavior would amount to a permanent ending no matter what since I already know, having learned the hard way, what second chances with that usually means.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

Hi for all those who have read my previous post, thank you all for your great advise. I am addressing all the points raised.

My proplem is that I have shown a lot of disrespect to the woman I love. Through frustration and anger, I lashed out. I am sorting my angry emotions out, but I want this girl back in my life.

She is not speaking to me and has asked me to leave her alone. Because I have been judgemental and disrespectfull she does not like me as a person. This is not the real person that I am.

I last spoke to her 5 days ago, when she said that we will not be friends. I have done the no contact rule for the last 5 days but this is killing me. I want to send her flowers to apologise and say that I made mistakes but dont know if this is wise.

How can I get this girl to be back in my life after what I have done?

Any advise?

Hit her back tell her much you love her I have this one girl I'm trying to get back in my life but I did not do anything wrong it was transportatin trouble but tell her how much you love her and tell her that you are so so sry and you want to make everything beter and want it to work out and that you were in the wrong and that there will never be anybody else in this world that love her and will love her more than you

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

Hi for all those who have read my previous post, thank you all for your great advise. I am addressing all the points raised.

My proplem is that I have shown a lot of disrespect to the woman I love. Through frustration and anger, I lashed out. I am sorting my angry emotions out, but I want this girl back in my life.

She is not speaking to me and has asked me to leave her alone. Because I have been judgemental and disrespectfull she does not like me as a person. This is not the real person that I am.

I last spoke to her 5 days ago, when she said that we will not be friends. I have done the no contact rule for the last 5 days but this is killing me. I want to send her flowers to apologise and say that I made mistakes but dont know if this is wise.

How can I get this girl to be back in my life after what I have done?

Any advise?

Let it go , or wait