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jaiangeleys25 · Feb 18, 2010, 09:12 AM

I am dealing with an issue that has been bothering me for the longest. A year ago my boyfriend/Fiance decided to have an affair with my friend that was always dating his cousin. It turned out that my ex-friend was very jealous of me and that she wanted to destroy my relationship with my finace of 10 years. We have a daughter together and that she didn't believe that our daughter was his. My daughter over heard the conversations that they had over the phone and the hatered that she had for me and my daughter was so distasteful. I felt really bad, because my daughter was crying over it. After a few times he saw my ex-friend, she ended up pregnant. He kept it a secret from me until I came across an e-mail that she wrote him. I confronted him with it and he just started to cry and told me how sorry he was. That he tried to have he get the abortion and he loves his family he didn't want to leave. Long story short, once the baby was born, he left to be were she was due to the baby being sick once the baby was born. He cries wolf that he wants to be home with his family. But he hasn't made any attempts yet. Every time he does, something comes up. I feel she is telling him things to make him stay longer. She doesn't like the fact that my daughter was born and that he is still in love with me. She tells excuses that her parents are old and that she needs him. I just have to say this, my parents are old too. So what is the real excuse? Her parents don't even know the truth about what actually happened. She tried to make small talk with my mother -in- law, but doesn't like the responses she gets. My ex-friend knows that they just want to be there for the baby, not her. So my question is... How to deal with the stupidity?

JudyKayTee · Feb 18, 2010, 09:15 AM

I think you are blaming the wrong person - it's your boyfriend who betrayed you, not the woman. Unless she is holding him captive you have to think whether you are being played.

If he wanted to be with you, he would.

The truth matters little - what he is doing and what he is saying matter a lot.

jaiangeleys25 · Feb 18, 2010, 09:22 AM

I just think there's more to the problem than what is being said. I agree, if he wanted to be home he would. They problem is that she actually admitted to me that she liked him from the start and that she wanted him too. I don't think I am blaming the wrong person, I think they are both at fault.

jaiangeleys25 · Feb 18, 2010, 09:24 AM

Can ask you this? Have any of you been is this situation? B/c it seems to me no one has...

Jake2008 · Feb 18, 2010, 10:25 AM

once the baby was born, he left to be were she was due to the baby being sick once the baby was born

So is he still with her then? You've been his fiancé for 10 years?

I don't have to be in your position to know that if I'd been engaged to a man for 10 years, and he had a baby with another woman, who he spends all his time with, I'd be bringing his belongings to her house and applying for child support.

JudyKayTee · Feb 18, 2010, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by jaiangeleys25

Can ask you this? Have any of you been is this situation? B/c it seems to me no one has.....

Was I married to a man who cheated on me? Yes, I was. Did he have a child with another woman? No.

I blame and blamed him (although he ultimately did me a huge favor because I met a man I truly loved, had a good marriage but was widowed after five years) because the other woman didn't make any promises to me, didn't "play" me, didn't lie to me.

She didn't hold a gun to his head. He had a relationship with her out of his own free will. I don't care if she danced around naked. He made promises to me.

I later thought maybe she was as much the victim as I was - although she always knew he was married.

So, yes, others have been in the same place, faced similar situations.

I do investigations, including surveillances. I have found that some people cheat once, learn a lesson, stay straight. Others are serial cheaters. Every person who is cheated on has to look at the situation and then pick a category.

You are being played.

JudyKayTee · Feb 18, 2010, 12:00 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

So is he still with her then? You've been his fiance for 10 years?

I don't have to be in your position to know that if I'd been engaged to a man for 10 years, and he had a baby with another woman, who he spends all his time with, I'd be bringing his belongings to her house and applying for child support.

Out of greenies but, yes, that pretty much sums it up.

jaiangeleys25 · Feb 18, 2010, 12:57 PM

Yes, I was his Fiancé for 10 years. I mailed his belongings to him and he sent them right back. I changed the mailing address to hers and he changed it right back to our address. He claims he isn't with her and that I need to stop shipping his stuff over there. Over all it's a weird situation that I am trying to get myself out of.

JudyKayTee · Feb 18, 2010, 01:07 PM

Every time you get something addressed to him at your address, write "Please forward" and send it to his address. Ship his stuff to his mother.

I'd give him an ultimatum - "Come home now or don't come home" - if that's what you want.

Jake2008 · Feb 18, 2010, 02:50 PM

You can also return any received mail to the Post Office, and say, "I do not wish to accept this mail", and they are obligated to take it from you, and return it to sender.

I also think that you are in a lot more pain than it seems here, in this forum. I really hope, for your sake, that you put your needs and your child's needs first here. Don't spend too much time lamenting on what has happened, that is in the past, and it is your future that matters now.

Be strong, get your ducks all lined up, and knock em' off one by one.

Devorameira · Feb 18, 2010, 02:57 PM

I don't think that forgiving is the answer to your problems. It's much bigger than that.

Why are you still worrying about him? He’s a cheating dog. Why not move on with your life and forget about him?

The plain truth is that he thinks of you as the old reliable stand-by and you keep allowing it. He only acts like he’ll be back because you keep leaving the door open for him. You are not the only one, we are all fools when it comes to relationships, but there is a certain point in time where we must say enough is enough and kick the cheater to the curb!

You don’t deserve to be cheated on or taken for granted. Your man cheats because he’s lost respect for you and he is an insecure coward. It is so easy to blame the girl or to say it is just sex, but the truth of the matter is that he’s running away from what is really wrong in your relationship. He is an immature brat.

The important thing to remember is not to lose your own personal respect for yourself. Never lose sight of your own personal self-value and self-worth in a relationship, just because someone else has. BREAK IT OFF WITH HIM - The next person that comes along will see and cherish what you have to offer.

natasha05 · Sep 14, 2012, 07:59 AM

I have just expierienced a similar situation. My byfriend and I had a fall out after about four years. We were separated but we weren't and in the meantime he had a baby. The difference is even when he found out it was his and he said sorry he was here with me an our other children the whole time. It is very true that if they want to be there they will, if not then the proof is in his actions. You cannot be just mad at her or him. They obviously are where they both want to be. It is a very painful feeling but you have to move on and be the strongest person you can there are always better things out there for you and this is coming from experience!