[TwinkletOes26]

My grandmother is a manipulative mean hatefilled old woman. She is responsible for no one in our family getting along. Through years of manipulation favortism and lies she has caused all of her children not to talk to each other unless its an argument. Her manipulation has trickled down to not just her children but her grandchildren as well. As of today I am not close to any of my cousins except for the youngest one (I have no siblings ) and two of them live right down the street from me . For the sake of understanding I will start from the beginning : The day we moved in with my grandmother was the day my childhood turned into a nightmare. My mom said we moved in with her because we could no longer afford to rent our own apt(my mother was a divorced school teacher) so we lived w/my grandmother to ease our financial woes. The day we moved in was the day my childhood was turned upsidedown. My gradmother wold constantly pick at me.Everyday it was always something I did or didn't do. She first started by claiming that I watched TV too loud in the morning so my mother told me to be quieter(I was 5 at the time) so I would make it a point in the morning to be extra quiet. Still was not good enough my grandmother still claimed that even though I kept the volume at about 5 no matter how quiet I was she always claimed I was too loud. When I got a nintendo she claimed I played my video games too loud so I played with the volume all the way down and she still claimed I was too loud because she could hear me pressing the controls through the walls and the noise was "at her head". I was an only child and was not allowed to play with any of the neighborhood children because were "bad ghetto children" so the only people closest to my age I had to play with were my 2 cousins who were 9 and 11. We all played together for a while then my grandmother claimed that we were too loud while we played together so she made us all separate. She then later (I believe)manipulated my aunt to encourage my two cousins not to play with me at all. The reason I think this is because my mother once heard my grandmother tell my cousins that "twinkletOes is going to go to college and get her degree and you two will beneath her notice" causing them and my aunt to have bad attitudes towards myself and my mama. Once when I was 12 I was applying lotion to my legs and I put one leg on my bed for better access and my grandmother woke my mama up to tell her that I was "putting lotion on my legs too sexy for my age" my mom looked at her and rolled her eyes and went back to sleep. When she couldn't get a response out of my mama she called my aunt and uncle again to tell them her version of the story. Things were so bad that I begged my mom to move out (I was 13 by this time)and my grandmother caught wind of this and proceeded to confront me saying that wherever I move she hoped they would be as kind to me as she had been(har har har) and then said that she would continue to listen out for anything else I said.Now what does an old woman have any business confronting a 13 yr old child I ask you?? She would always do stuff and then turn around and say how kind she was for allowing us to live with her. She was so mean and hateful I would often find myself hoping that since she was old she would keel over and die. I also had trouble at school because I refused to run with what my other classmates were doing (having sex in the broom closet,doing drugs ect) so I was an outcast so school and had no friends and if that wasn't bad enough then to come home to my mean grandmother it was a wonder I didn't snap.The only solace I got was praying to God that he would fix everything.I could go on and on with stories like that but needless to say she made my childhood miserable and lonely. The day we finally did move out she told the whole family that she was glad we were gone because we were too loud and did not respect her and this couldn't be farther from the truth. We were always respectful of the old bat(yes I still can't stand her) even when she did not deserve it. My question is my mom says I should put all that behind me and forgive my grandmother and try to make amends with her but my mothers way of doing it would be to act like I was wrong (even thougn I was the child and she was the adult) and not acknowledge her wrong doing. I can't stand that old woman and the day she dies I doubt I will be sad I won't be tap dancing on her grave like I fantasized about doing when I was 12 but I won't be sad she's gone. Seriously once she went in to major sugery and everyone was crying except me I was glad she was gone and not at home to torture me. As far as I am concerned I could go the rest of her life and mine not talking or seeing her. My way of wanting to handle the situation if I have to see her would be to ask her why she chose to pick on an innocent child and why she still continues to try to manipulate her children and grandchildren into hating one another. I would be more than happy to tell her she can rot in hell but I know that is not the mature way of handling things so I am here asking mature adults if you were me what would you do? I have to see her whenever there is a family even and I can't opt out of going because I still live with my mama so when she goes to visit the old coot I have to go as well to keep my grabdmother from telling the whole family about how I don't come see her (see the controlling mother thread I have and that's another story yes I know my whole family is wacked).

[Fr_Chuck]

Has your grandmother asked you to forgive her ? And you can learn to forgive, but then that does not mean you forget and allow her to keep doing that. But if you are now a adult, you are free to speak the truth, I never believe in lying about the ways things are.

Of course be prepared to move out from your mom also

[firmbeliever]

I would pity the poor old woman,
Because she is lonely and I am sure you are not the only one in the family who can't stand her.
To be alone and helpless in old age is a sad thing.

Be better than her,if you can, forgive her if not try to be indifferent to her rants and raves.

Know that you will and can be better than her,she is old, you have your life ahead of you and do not let a bitter old woman take away the rest of your life because of a chip on her shoulder.

Maybe,just maybe your granmother too had a mother/grandmother who was exactly like her and made her life miserable until she became the way she is.Or maybe she has hatred in her that she doesn't understand and takes it out on you(or others in the family).

Maybe in the quiet of night she hates being alone,afraid of old age yet too bitter to admit she has been wrong all along in the way she treats her family.

If I were you I would pity her sorry state and know in my heart that I do not want to be like her,by hating her and becoming bitter for the rest of my life.

[TwinkletOes26]

Quote: Maybe,just maybe your granmother too had a mother/grandmother who was exactly like her and made her life miserable until she became the way she is.

That's the things her mother was sweet and loving my mama even told me that my grandmothers mother took care of them emotionally more so than my grandma. I have in the past tried to bring up how my grabdmother openly favored my cousins over me (she helped them wth college tuiton and various living expenses) and they didn't appreciate it.. she would tell the whole family I was disrespectful ungratefuk and rude when in fact it was my cousins who were. One time my oldest cousin threatened my grandma physically. She yelled at me recently in a restaurant because she got lost to the bathroom and it was only inches away from out table. She said I should have escorted her (a grown now 80 yr old) to the bathroom even thought was very close to where we were sitting. Her main prblem with me is that I refuse to baby her like my cousins do (they only do it to get money out of her) I don't baby my mother much less my grandmother. The other family memebers are catching on I think because when my great aunt died she left all her jewelry to her nieces and nephews and my uncle wanted to give his wife one of my great aunts rings and my grandmother screamed at him and told him that his wife who he had been married to for 20yrs was not family and she couldn't have any of it. He threw the jewelry down and hasn't spoken to her since and this incident happened in January so I'm not the only victim but I am one of her first.

Fr_Chuck she has not aksed for forgiveness because she doesn't think she did anything wrong. In fact she thinks she was kind because she let us move in so that cancels out everything else she has done and I am moving as far as I can because like I said the whole family is whacked

[firmbeliever]

Twinkle,
I do hope you are able to live a life of your own soon enough.
If your granmother isn't willing to listen,you will still know in your heart that you at least tried.

Be civil to her when you do have to see her.

About her being cranky, I am sure the older she gets it might get worse because like little kids old people get cranky and they throw tantrums too.Just like infants they will be stubborn too. It might have to do with feeling helpless and unable to do the smallest of tasks on their own,ageing body and mind.

I am not trying to make excuses for your granmother,but it will help you to ignore her outbursts and blames if you think of her as a sad old bitter woman,who is set in her ways.

I have seen some old people change,become kinder and softer,when they fall ill and are helpless and the only people who will take care of them are the very ones they were mean to in words and deeds.

[TwinkletOes26]

Now my mama is picking her up tomorrow to take her to church she's going to ruin Sunday I just know it... my stepdad can't stand her he sees her what she is so he's none to happy about it either... can't wait to move

[Fr_Chuck]

I have a aunt I did not see since I was 14, she was similar, I did not even go to her funeral. Did I forgive her, over time, if you let things like your cousins live in your life, it will eat at you and make you into a bitter person, and destroy you. But it does not mean you have to go around them if they are still hateful. So if she is going to church, excuse yourself and even go somewhere else that day, I am somewhat hard headed at times, I will not go where I don't want to, just becaume some one wants me to go.

[TwinkletOes26]

I don't understand if we (me and my mama) were so awful and disrespectful why is it that the min she needs help she comes to our house for help I wish she would just leave us alone and bother the other 4 kids she had.

I plan on attending her funeral (to make sure she's really gone... sorry couldn't resist making a joke in poor taste) just to console my mom because she will be sad but that's the only reason... Fr_chuck one of my cousins has gotten nicer since she's gotten married and moved away(I think her husband has shown her how my grandma is) and my other cousin is still just as mean and hateful as when we were kids I really don't talk to any of them now just because they live to far away or are still unpleasant to be around.. like I said my family is wacked