[jaime90]

My fiancé was told that he is not going to be able to go active duty in the military. Since it really is the only thing he wants to do, he has become very depressed the past few days, but also very happy at times. He has his moments of throwing a pity party, but for the most part he is positive. Also, the time is quickly approaching to the anniversary of his grandpa's death which won't make his depression better.

He has a history of experiencing suicidal thoughts, and has spoken openly to me about how he feels like life is hopeless and he wishes he were dead. He tells me that he feels depressed (even though, I can't exactly tell.) I asked him if he was thinking of suicide, he told me not to worry about him committing suicide unless he tells me blatantly that he is going to do it and has access to a weapon. He tells me that it will never happen, that I shouldn't worry.
Needless to say, I still am afraid. He is going to drill this weekend to spend 3 days on a military base, and I will be here alone. I'm more than a little paranoid to let him go. I have very scary, negative thoughts and images that run through my head. His depression is definitily affecting me. He doesn't mention suicide much, but that one time that he said he wanted to die, has really just terrified me. He has spoken to a pastor, youth pastor, and his dad about this depression and how he has had suicidal thoughts over it, so it isn't like this is something he is hiding. He is very honest.

Is this my problem? Am I just overreacting? If so, how should I be reacting to this situation?

[redhed35]

Hey jamie,is he on any medication?

Has he gotten any therapy?

Has he access to weapons on the base?

Are the military aware of his depression?

[jaime90]

He is not on any medication. He hasn't gone to therapy, he would have access to weapons on the base if he took the time to get them (it requires him checking out a weapon from the armory and hunting down some ammunition for it.) And the military isn't aware of his depression.

[CarrotTalker]

How come he cannot go into active duty?

Have you tried to ask him if there was any other options/jobs he is interested in?

[jaime90]

It's a complicated situation. He has tried to go active 2 different times, one time his recruiter didn't follow through, and this time, his unit won't give him permission to go, and won't give him an extension on his paperwork.

He is a mechanic, and wants to do a mechanic job, but he really just wants to go active in the military. And since the job market is bad, he is currently a US Marine, working as a waitor in a local restaurant. He feels useless in his situation. He wants to be able to provide for me when we get married, so the wedding is postponed until he gets a decent job.

[CarrotTalker]

Plenty of people are working jobs that are way below their normal skillset, such as people who used to be big executives becoming waiters. He has to look at his waiter job as challenging a new set of his skills (In this case social skills).

I think its really great that you are being supportive of whatever decision or job he wants and that he wants to be able to provide for you. This was a point of contention in my relationship that just ended. (Her and her family didn't quite seem to keen on my choice of work, even though it has worked well for me)

Does he have some type of mechanic certification (such as ASE)? He could also try doing body shop work that doesn't require a certification. Or are those options just not viable in your area?

I know the military has been finicky lately (for the past 3 years!) about enrollments, I can think of 4 friends off the top of my head that ran into issues. For all of them, they had to work "dead-end" jobs before being able to fully enroll, due to paperwork issues. Maybe understanding other people are experiencing similar problems would help his mindset of being useless.

[neverme]

I think that you need to get him to a counselor as soon as possible.

Suicidal thoughts, even only once, need to be dealt with.

Long term depression needs to be dealt with.

A dear friend of mine has dealt with depression all her life and she is now in her early 60's. It only gets worse. The longer you stay away from therapy the more the issues build until they become insurmountable and we lose hope. What follows is a constant feeling to change your external surroundings because you don't know how to change your internal ones.

Don't allow this to happen to your husband to be.

[amicon]

He really should see his doctor and get help.
You're there to support him,please make him understand that he needs help with his depression and his thoughts.

Take care.

[talaniman]

Its hard times all over, and add the curve balls life throws at us, its easy to see where disappointment, and uncertainty could easily make one depressed.

I think you could support him best though, with suggesting he hone his skills as a mechanic, with schooling, as a great way to get certified, and more employable for the future, while he waits on the paperwork thing to unravel.

Its good to have options while you wait, and a Plan B, and even C, when Plan A gets stuck.

For sure he is not alone facing today's challenges, and he needs to know that.

Still a doctor visit can't hurt, especially if he is honest. Depression takes on many forms, and paying attention to him, his moods, and actions is a good way to know how best support him through this.

Will taking meds (if he has to) hurt his chances to get active duty?? And what kind of active duty is he seeking? The military has many job opportunities for qualified people, so identifying and actively seeking those qualifications, is a major step forward.

Don't know where you both live but many here in Texas attend schooling to be trained in the health care field, and get paid while they learn, and that can't be to bad.

[jaime90]

We both live in Wisconsin right now. He's trying to switch from reservist, to active duty in the Marine Corps. A few months ago, he had an interview at a body shop, which fell through when a certified mechanic applied.
He's gone though intermediate schooling on mechanics, and is a deisel mechanic. He works on the HMV's and the LVS'. I don't think medications would hurt his chances of going active. And as I said, he is depressed at certain times, and happy at other times, so it's not like he's moping around all day, he just has his sad moments. I want to know how to best support him. Thanks for all your thoughts!

[talaniman]

By being a good listener when he needs it, even guys vent, and sometimes that's enough. By being patient when he is frustrated, understanding when he fails, and never to busy to pay a bit of attention.

Never be so insecure and needy that you miss the little subtle things he may say or do. Just be there.

You know it has just occurred to me that your probably doing all those things, as I have read many of your posts, and you give great advice, but I suspect your question is more out of worry and concern, than any specific problem, so let me ask, since we all have sad moments, does he have a temper, or better how does he handle his frustrations?

A few months ago, he had an interview at a body shop, which fell through when a certified mechanic applied.

I highly recommend he get certified, and think you should encourage him to, as there is nothing a man loves better than having a future that allows him to take care of his business, and support his family.

I cannot impress on you enough that while your young, make yourself qualified. Help him see this. There are many opportunities for higher education and most trade schools have job placement services.

Check them out online, and show him. And try not to worry so much. He sounds like a normal young guy to me.

His best support is from a calm minded female, who doesn't get carried away by her feelings. Even when there is uncertainty, or fear of the unknown.

You can suggest, but never push, or criticize.

[jaime90]

Yes, I don't think that it is so much a problem, as it is my own fears- thanks for making me realize this!
Also, to answer your question, he used to have quite the temper, and would throw temper tantrums, and pity parties. In the past year he has done amazingly well in dealing and confronting his anger issues which really sprang out of unforgiveness for people who had done him wrong in the past. Now, he expresses his anger by cooling down alone, or going somewhere, after that, we talk about it. The number of our fights and arguments has plummeted. He also spends time everyday, going to God with his problems.