[itsme24]

Hello, new here, 24, married, 2 kids.
Not sure why I've decided to tackle this now.

Me and my mother have never seen eye to eye and had a rocky relationship through my terrible teens. She is still in my life and we speak on the phone a few times a week.
I must mention recently my daughter was very ill in hospital for 11days I found it traumatic and hoping to speak to a doc about that soon. After this I've found myself questioning the mother issues (don't know why) I did some research about coldhearted mothers and read that if you can't remember your mother showing you love there might be some underlining issue. Now I don't remember her showing love.

I'll give an example of typical mother.. we don't do "hugs" or touching" or "nice words".
In hospital I was telling my parents what had been happening and I began to cry, she saw I was about to cry and turned away pretending she hadn't seen me. My dad is very different, and listened as I cried and hugged me.
She barely hugged me on arrival and all this is typical. Now I'm wondering if all my issues stem from childhood or am I paranoid?

Also I don't think because of a trauma in my life I was searching for support from her because I get loads of support from my husband all the time.
Thanks for reading, any help would be great. X

[Gemini54]

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter and I hope that she's improved.

Regarding your mother, I guess it's about expectations. Do you want her to be loving? Do you want her to show empathy for your distress?

Of course you do. But, and it's a big but. Your mother is who she is. You can't change her behavior and clearly she is uncomfortable witnessing or giving any emotion. Who knows why she is the way she is - perhaps she had an unloving mother as well and was not able to deal with emotional discomfort.

Perhaps you would not feel so distressed if you accepted that this is the way she is. You can't change the past - even if you feel that you missed out on having a loving mother and that you had the 'terrible teens' - but you do have a loving father and husband.

By all means use the past to understand yourself and the dynamic that exists between you and your mother. But don't stay stuck there. The present and the future are much more important to your current life and will bring you more joy.

Try to love her despite herself, without expectation of return - like you would one of your young children. Emotionally, she's probably a child anyway.

[Jake2008]

She could be a woman who has never been shown love herself, from her own mother. I think instinctively we pick up what we get during the growing years.

She could have been overwhelmed herself, and it was just too much to comfort you, while holding onto her own emotions.

The trauma of having your daughter in the hospital is something that did likely trigger this. You were left feeling lost and a mother's love is probably the most comforting love there is. And she didn't give it to you.

Be grateful that your father did, and your husband, and accept that it will probably always be lacking in your mother to show physical affection and support to you.

I doubt she holds resentment from your teen years, more likely she sympathizes with you now, as a mother. She would have had her own trauma when you were little and sick.

You need a little time to just accept this, so that you won't expect anything more the next time trouble comes to your door and you need support. Know who your resources are for what you need, and rely on them.

Hope your daughter is okay now.

[itsme24]

Hi. Just wanted to say thank you to both replies. I've found them both extremely helpful and a great insight.

My mother and her mother were not close. My mother was gutted though when she passed away. I feel closure on most of this now, I was beginning to think really deep about it but now can see the simpler side. Thank you again.

Just one question.. Do you think I will struggle with my mother not showing love? I feel I get plenty from my husband and to me its like he's filled that hole. I've been told I'm stubborn like my mother but a great loving mother as well, will this characteristic stick with me? Will I always be loving to my kids or will I suddenly turn into her?

To be honest sometimes I catch myself looking for support from her, other times I say I don't need anything from her.

Also thanks for asking about my little one. She is better now thank god.

:)

[neverme]

There are some people that are, as the others have said, just not brought up without displays of affection. What I would deem the most important thing right now is that you don't allow, and seems you haven't, for the cycle to continue. (Letting the cycle is easier than we think to do. But with conscious thought on the subject very avoidable.)

And, this is just a thought, may there be some jealousy on your mother's behalf regarding yours and your fathers close relationship?

If she and her husband do not share these displays of love and he feels comfortable, thankfully, to show you this love openly it could be a contributing factor the situation?

As I have said, just a thought.

Sometimes we can harbor, more than likely unbeknown to ourselves, feelings that are completely irrational and take the situation that presents itself as 'the way it's always been'.

Have you ever spoken directly to your mother about this? I don't know if that is somewhere you want to go but the only way to get definitive answers is through confronting the problem head on.

Glad to hear about your girl :)

[Jake2008]

One of the beautiful things about hindsight, is that you already know what you want to avoid.

Because you have had the experience with an emotionally distant mother, you know that you are not going to repeat that, and you are not going to be that type of mother. You have gone in a totally different direction. By the time your kids are teens, their teen angst isn't going to be because they did not get unconditional love from you, it's just because teens go through teen things.

I too had a mother very similar to yours. What I learned about mothering, I learned by reading, and observing other mothers and my friends with their children, and my mother in law. Just because you had a distant mother, does not mean you will walk in her shoes someday, or do things the way she did. You have options.

I would advise you not to wait, or turn to your mother, for something she is unable to give. That's just the way it is, may as well accept it. What you may find, as I did with mine when they were very little, is that she loved to rock them, and read to them. She showed love that way. And who knows, maybe when you were very little, she did the same.

It would be nice to think that if you could talk heart to heart with your mother, that she would have some information that would give you some insight, but let's face it, she may not, and it could drive her further away if she thinks you may be finding fault with her.

What I would consider instead is invite her along with you a couple of times a week when you have to get out to do errands. Let her feel useful and wanted. She will likely enjoy the children whether she wants to or not! I fell in love with a little 3 year old in the deli section at the grocery store just this morning!

Babies bring their own love, and maybe, in the long run, that will make the two of you closer.

[itsme24]

Hi, great replies.
Mine and dad's relationship got better when I married. Though it was never as rocky as me and mother.

A heart to heart talk would be terrible to be honest. My mother is an ostrich (sp?) something she doesn't like.. head in the sand!

The whole getting her involved would be a no go for her. She doesn't like to do anything with me, she sees it as this is your life now, get on with it. Small example.. I was heavily pregnant and could have done with a hand preparing the house slightly, cleaning etc.. To be fair she lives 45 minutes away but I didn't know who else to ask. I knew at the time it's a huge risk to ask so no surprise on the exuse and no.

I will accept the fact that this is how she is. I really dislike her for it and feel it's a shame that her and her mother's bad relationship is now on us. I have a 22month old boy and 9 week old girl, when I had my girl I felt this huge responsibility, I felt this is my chance to have a beautiful relationship with a little me. Different feeling from when I had my boy. I feel I'm ready to guide her on all things girly, to really support her as she goes through what every girl feels. To share my experiences and protect her as best I can. Obviously I'll protect my boy too but the girl to girl thing I feel this is huge!

I guess I feel this is my chance to have the perfect mother-daughter relationship.
OK now I've gone on with myself, you guys really bring it out of me! x

Can I add a little something else... my mother walked out on my real father when I was little. Aparently she was already seeing my step dad who I call dad. None of this made any difference to me as I don't remember anything. She had my brother and sister years later and is different with them I think. I was always told "you will not ruin my marriage!" when I was bad.
They both couldn't wait until I got married. Just before I got married I heard my dad getting stressed about me going out or something and mother saying "don't worry she'll be gone soon" and him calling me a bastard. You know these things never leave you.

Maybe I was in the way of her affair? Wished she was child free on meeting my dad(step) these are all feelings I'll never know.

[Jake2008]

Well, you sure aren't alone. None of us get through unscathed for the most part. And I very much agree with your description of your mother, that's just the way she is, and you can see that. It's good you are strong enough not to keep feeling guilty, or figuring you are somehow the cause of her personality being less than 'motherly' lets' say.

I felt a great obligation to love, even if I wasn't loved in return. But, the truth is, I didn't love her, and she didn't love me. There is no rule book that says you have to love a person who is miserable toward you, and cold, just because they are family. Unfortunately, my older sister is a chip off the old block, and made choices opposite to me when she grew up. I've raised two kids, and I KNOW I'm not anything like my mother was toward me. Normal mistakes- you bet. But always in the back of my mind, I know who I am.

You sound like a great mom to me. Enjoy every single second with your little ones, and stay positive.

[itsme24]

Hi, thanks again for all your lovely words. I feel I have really come to terms with these feelings.