[trying4babykirk]

OK.. so long story short.. my mother in law and I were very close BEFORE the wedding.. my husband and I got married just 2 months ago and I have only spoke to her three times since the wedding, and before we talked everyday. On the wedding day we had a HUGE argument because she didn't DO aANYTHING I asked her to do.

For starters, I think she is a compulsive liar and doesn't realize it. My husbands car was repossesed and the previous week I told her to call the bank so we could start taking over the payment and she said everything is fine, for us not to worry about it during the planning of the wedding. Needless to say his car was repossesed. ~She told us she would help us pay for some of the wedding well that didn't happen either! Oh and did I mention we lived with her and her husband during the summer!! BAD MISTAKE!

Ok so now... what brought be here is that my best friend is dating my husbands brother my brother in law and my mother in law, Starla, is buddy buddy with Shannan (best friend).. which is great, I'm glad they get along, but Starla has started telling Shannan things that are mine and jeremys business, not that shannan doesn't already know but it's the point of the matter.. now the big oh no.. is she is having surgery and didn't bother telling me or my husband! Jeremy and his mom were VERY close, we heard through Shannan. This stuff is happeneing on a daily basis. What should I do?? :confused:

[magprob]

Personally, I think you all should hop in the car and go drive off a cliff... honestly. That is just my opinion and not the opinion of Ask Me Help Desk. Sounds like to me you are all a bunch of petty, backbiting drama queens.
It is not your mother inlaws place to take care of your personal business but it is her place to get her own life and stay out of yours. If Starla wasn't up in your bidness, she wouldn't be telling Shannon all about it. I'm telling you girl, you need to kick her out your trailer house TODAY! Get er Done!

[N0help4u]

Make sure you do not tell your mother in law anything you do not want repeated. Be nice to her, don't give her any reason to not like you (don't burn your bridges). It is up to your husband to figure out where he wants to take his relationship with her. If he wants to be closer to her again he will have to make the effort.
I have a feeling if Shannan and your brother in law get married she might end up treating her the same way and then Shannan might need you to confide in. Don't bad mouth her, but let her know you had the same type problems and if you can offer her solutions on how to be with her in certain situations.

Also from what I know of repossessing cars they are suppose to give you a form and it should state that you have like 30 days to pay up on back payments and they have to hold the car for that time to give you the chance.

[grammadidi]

I truly am confused as to what your question is, so I will just comment on what you have written and add my own thoughts. First and foremost, I think you all need to grow up! Why in the world would you ruin your wedding day arguing with your mother-in-law?? Then you wonder why you have only spoken 3 times since??

What difference does it make if you mil is a compulsive liar or not? You married her son, not her! You do with that exactly what you would do with anyone else who was a compulsive liar - you just don't believe them! Now, this does not mean that you call their bluff all the time, but what it does mean is that you take what they say worth a grain of salt, remain pleasant to them and realize that most of what they say will be unimportant to you. I am surprised that you just figured this all out AFTER the wedding though! Especially since she was nice enough to let you live with her.

The week before the wedding you TOLD her to call the bank?? Not sure what that's all about, but if it was about your husband's car, then HE needed to call the bank. That's part of being an adult. If his car was repossessed, then I take it that he was behind on payments. If so, why were you spending money on a wedding?? Oh... I get it! Mommy dearest was going to help you out financially with the wedding and didn't! Hmmmmm... perhaps that had something to do with being told what to do or maybe even because the bride had a fight with her on the day of the wedding?? Maybe she is tired of paying for her son's and your debts in some way?? (Like having you live with her for 2 months?? ) Fact is, she bore no responsibility to pay for any of the wedding AND, if she said she would then it is your new husband's job to go and collect!

The Starla/Shannan thing is childish. First of all, don't tell ANYONE anything that you wouldn't mind having repeated. Mother's worry about their kids... so they WILL talk to others about the perceived problems in order to problem solve. That's what women do - talk. Secondly, if either one of them repeats something to you that the other told you... it's YOUR job to say that you don't want to hear it!

I think you should back up and look at the positives in this whole thing and build from there. As a wife, I would be trying to get mom-in-law on my side (even if just pretend). I would be nice to her, appreciate her and encourage a mature relationship between her and your son. Far be it for YOU to cause problems between a son and his mother! If there are problems, let your husband figure them out and deal with them. Instead of wasting so much energy on being mad and finding things to be pissed about, expend as much energy as trying to find things to be happy about. When mommy dearest does something RIGHT... gush!! Tell her and your hubby how much you appreciate it. Send thank you letters and cards... buy little trinkets to express your gratitude, take her a doughnut and coffee!

Remember, you will catch more flies with honey. This woman is the woman who gave birth to your husband and formed his character. She will be the grandmother of your children one day. A marriage fraught in anger is a marriage in danger. Every time you feel that niggling little 'mad' monster... ask yourself "How important is it?". Then, let it go and concentrate on the REALLY important things in life.

Hope this helps...

Hugs, Didi

[lacuran8626]

Agree, agree, agree. I can't imagine why any of you are married - these arguments remind me of Marsha and Jan Brady! You appear to feel it was a big imposition on you and your husband to live as adults in his mother's home. You appear to feel somehow disrespected because your mother in law was kind enough to have her name on yours and your husband's car, and didn't manage the paperwork to your satisfaction. It wasn't repossessed because she didn't transfer it - it was repossessed because you failed to pay for it!! I'm guessing it was in her name because your prince charming has bad credit?

And as for people knowing your business- they only know if and can only spread it around if you open your mouth about it first.

I'd say you want to play grown up married woman, so pay your own bills, use your own credit, live in your own home, solve your own problems, keep your marriage within your own four walls. When you're with your friends and mother in law, talk about something other than yourself and other people - the weather, politics, the new store in town - anything!

Not to be too harsh, it's just that this kind of arguing has nothing to do with the subject of the arguments, and everything to do with the participant's enjoyment of the fight.

[hmcglynn]

I agree with both answers. Mother In Law can be rough to deal with but that's not who you married. In one ear and out the other. Smile and wave if you have something bad to say wait until your back home before you pull your hair out.

Great replys again!

[grammadidi]

Thank you for your PM explaining a lot more details to this situation and for letting me know that my previous advice has helped you 'alot!'. :) After reading it over several times, here are my thoughts…

Hun, if his family is in that much debt, it really was kinda foolish of you to allow them to refinance the loan and add their new car to it. One thing you two need to learn is that you and Jeremy have created your own family now and you have to look out for you guys first, other people second. This means you don't help people (especially those with bad credit ratings!) out of financial binds. You already knew that they moved because they owed a lot of people money! In fact, the ONLY time you should ever lend anybody money is if you're prepared to kiss it goodbye.

I do see another issue that didn't quite sit well with me as I re-read your letter. You stated: "They called and asked you if it was okay if they refinanced the loan a year ago when Jeremy only had about 5 payments left??? ". Then, later on in your letter you say: "So we moved up in the first of May when school let out and the I had "told/asked" her to call the bank because her name was on the loan and find out how much was owed on the truck so we could start making the payments, she then said everything was fine, for us not to worry about it. Later, after the cars, Jeremys truck and their own car was taken, we (Jeremy, Jeff (Starla's husband) and myself) found out that the payments where over 6 months behind." Sweetie, excuse me... I just don't get it. Her name is on the loan??? You asked her to call the bank to find out how much was owing on the truck so you could START making payments??? Things just are not clicking here, sorry. Either way, I hope you have learned some valuable lessons in all of this.

It sounds like she took out a loan to pay Jeremy's truck, and later she refinanced the loan in theory, to purchase a car. Now, if the payments were over six months behind, and the truck only had about 5 more payments on it, how could you still owe on the truck? I have to wonder how the heck could she refinance the loan in the first place, never mind purchase another vehicle? Was Jeremy's name on this loan at all? If so, he should have been making the payments to the bank. If not, then I guess another valuable lesson is learned. You don't allow other people to take out loans on your behalf, because, as happened here, if they don't pay them, you lose the merchandise. You two COULD take her to small claims court and win, but, by the sounds of things, you would never get a penny out of her, and of course, it just creates more tension within your family.

Okay, I kind of understand why you moved in with them, but really, I can't help think that deep down you knew it was a bad choice. If he had already spent the last three summers with you, what was one more – especially since you were getting married??? Why fix something that wasn't broken?

In April, when you told them that you and Jeremy were getting married and they said that they were going to give you $2,000 I think that the prudent thing to do would be to say thank you and forget about it. Honestly, how do you trust and believe people who say they will give you money after they have left town because they owe so many people money??? As I said in my original response to you, I think that when you know people are liars you just let stuff go in one ear and out the other. You just do not put yourself in a position to believe, or disbelieve them! That way, if they don't give you the money or keep whatever promise it is, you aren't stressed out and fighting about it… and if they do, well then whoopee!!!! You thank them profusely and give them a great big ol' hug and a kiss!

Again, she volunteered to do things for the wedding, etc. and either did them or didn't do them to your satisfaction. First of all, that's what you have a maid of honour and best man for. Secondly, again, why count on someone who is so darned unreliable. In the future, if she offers to do things for you, give her things that are 'extras'... things that you would like to be done, but really don't care if they are done or not, or that you really have no invested feelings as to how well you want them done!

Oh, and by the way... I had already figured out that you either married an only child or the baby of the family. I think you have a long and difficult road ahead of you unless his support and loyalties lie with you first, mommy second. The best thing you can do, as I said before, is distance yourself as much as possible (which helps now that you are 3 states apart!), don't allow yourself to be put in a position where you have to believe or disbelieve anything she says, don't ask for or accept favours from her, be pleasant and don't tell anyone anything that you wouldn't want repeated.

I also want to add one more thing, and I am sorry if this hurts or it's out of line, but if I was counselling someone I would be telling them the exact same thing...

I can't help but notice your 'handle' - "trying4babykirk". If, in fact that is where you and Jeremy are right now, and IF you are not yet pregnant, I would suggest that you wait awhile longer... maybe a year or two. You guys really need to ensure that you have the strength and capability of dealing with these family issues first. Things like the things you have described to me can break a marriage within two years. Please, take the time to build on your husband/wife relationship first, deal with the family issues (and make sure you are both on board with the same ideas about how to handle difficult situations), learn how to communicate well enough with each other that you don't have to be concerned if your mother-in-law tells your husband lies about you, and build up some financial and emotional security to bring your child up in. Again, I know I kind of stepped over the line here, and I'm sorry, but I really do feel strongly about this one.

Again, thank you for taking the time to explain so much more of the details of your situation with me. It enabled me to be able to respond much better to your situation. Remember, you and Jeremy have to work on your marriage first, family issues second. Hope this helps a bit more!

Hugs, Didi

[msilva76]

This is what worked for me... stop talking to the in laws all together now my life is stress free

[repo]

Completely focus on making you and your husband's life better and don't let eveything else take time away from your progressive goal.

[lovelesspa]

I think you and your husband need to focus on your future and each other. Your Mother in Law may have problems, but she's your Mom in law, and you can't blame her for everything, if you wanted the car you should have made the arrangements. You have to move on... The stress of the wedding and planning may have just wore you all out and now this is the result. WHat was promised or what wasn't done... doesn't count anymore, stop letting it rent space in your head! Put the past in the back seat and start all over. As for the other couple, forgetaboutit! Don't tell people personal stuff no matter who... unless you don't mind it getting around no matter what promises have been made. Give your mom in law some slack, she just watched her son get married, she may be going through a little depression, its hard seeing your kids get married and be off on their own no matter how much you love the girl or how long they've been together, (I watched three of mine get married and It always gets to me, a few weeks later). Let things simmer off and go over and have a talk with her, Stay off things that can't be changed and start a new page! LIfe can be so good with out all the drama, learn how to mellow out and start enjoying your new life!!

[onzychow]

I have problem with my future mother in law too. She treated me very nice at first but lately she's like showing me some kind of face.he didn't talk like how we used to be anymore. And I think I know why. She heard me and my fiancé was playing in the room by calling each other stupid and crazy. She than ask my fiancé to go to her room that night and told him that she's very angry with what I've said. She finds that I'm didn't respact my man and got so mad. Ever since that day she treated me different. And I guess another reason is my fiancé love holidays. And now we always went for our vacation when every time we got leave or public holiday. What should I do?