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Maggie50 · Dec 30, 2009, 05:13 AM

I have been in a relationship with a person for 9 years. The past 5 years I have found myself financially taking care of this person. I've been like a mother to him. I found out that he was spending money on drugs. I am a enabler and very codependant person. I seem to find men that need me. I am 51 years old and worry now about my future. I have a very good job and now I am starting to ask myself where will I be in 10 years. My sons are grown and they tell me that I deserve more. I have been going to counseling for some time now. I can't seem to give him up, I know there is no future other then what I currently have with him. Why do I allow him to suck me back in every time? What is wrong with me?:confused:

amicon · Dec 30, 2009, 05:33 AM

Hello Maggie. Is the counselling helping at all? Sometimes coming to terms with a necessary lifestyle change takes time.
This man is draining you and I hope you can find the strength to break up with him. When you do you should go no contact with him and have nothing more to do with him ever again.
Find the strength to do it.
I know you have it in you.
Good luck.

LJDK · Dec 30, 2009, 05:35 AM

Maybe you are scared. Scared to move on, scared for the pain when losing someone regardless if it was right or wrong.

But rather now than later. You still have lots of time to meet that someone special who will not drag you down.

jmooney527 · Dec 30, 2009, 07:45 AM

I think you need to gain the confidence, be strong, and end things. You know you shouldn't be with this person. You know it deep down he isn't the right one for you. It's good that you see this, and are now addressing the underlying issue... yourself. You need to find the strength... realize what you have to offer another person, your wants and needs, how great you are and what you deserve. You know you deserve better... now try to muster the strength to release him and move on with your life.

Each person is a little different for how they find strength to end things with a person they know is wrong for them. Me, I would constantly remind myself how great I am and how lucky someone else would be to have me... once I focus on this it gives me strength to make decisions I wouldn't normally be comfortable with.

LJDK is right... you are scared... scared of change. It's easy to stay in the life you have now- you already live it every day. But you can't let fear determine your life and your happiness.

redhed35 · Dec 30, 2009, 07:56 AM

Sometimes you have to save yourself.

Bringing home broken people all the time will wear you down, you get used to it,and forget what's its like for someone to take care of you once in a while.

Some people just have carer stamped on their forehead,( I know I'm one!)

But a time comes when you just have nothing left to give and you need to take care of yourself.

Dump the guy,and give yourself a clean slate, volunteer in a shelter,or somewhere you can care for people (dont take them home)..

Step out of the old you and into the new you... still a caring women but not a pushover.

Devorameira · Dec 30, 2009, 09:05 AM

You've got to continue having counseling, but find a new counselor if the one you're seeing isn't helping you.

I know it's easier said than done, but try to be assertive. Start by tossing him to the curb and start putting yourself first. You have to get rid of him before your can start to heal and regain your self-confidence.

You don't need him - you have a good job and can take care of yourself. Just be certain that you deal with the co-dependency issues before you go into another relationship. Healthy relationships require a healthy mind.

talaniman · Dec 30, 2009, 09:43 AM

Overcome your fear, and put you, and your own wellbeing first, before his needs.

Put it like this, is your enabling, and being co-dependent, helping him, or hurting him? If you didn't give him money for drugs, he would seek someone else wouldn't he? That's what your afraid of, his leaving you.

But figure what you would rather have, a healthy life without him, or an unhealthy life with him.

Sadly, you want a healthy life with him, but that's not an option as long as he chooses drugs over you. So is it okay to put him first, and he put you second? I don't think that's fair, do you?