[Prolin]

I have met my boy friend 5 years ago and I moved to his country for him and we have been living together for 4 years.
We had some difficulties in our relationship first year and luckily we sorted everything out.
I was a very jealous woman and trying to stop him to do lots of things.
After years of talks and sorting out the trust issues I have seen myself changed. Drastically!!
I am OK for him to spend time with his guy friend going away for a road trip spending time out of time for the weekend and clubbing with them.
After six month I see him wants to clubbing every weekend either Friday or Saturday. His has got a friend lives in another city and comes to town on Thursday and here we come. My boy friend starts receiving sms's... " what are you doing tonight?" next morning same sms"s "what's the plan for tonight" even sometimes they phone in and if my boyfriend say no they ask again and again if he is sure or if this is really what he wants to do.
This friend is single and his roommate broke up with his girl friend and other guy from the group recently got divorce. I also know those guys for over 4 years of course I know stuff that they ex girl friends did not know. Like flirting with other girls in the night clubs while they were dating them.
I was quite OK with my boy friend clubbing outing as I know he needs to spend time with his friend so I can also get some my time...
This clubbing story happening every weekend and he never comes home earlier than 5 a clock in the morning.
I have been asking him every time that I want him to come home earlier. The fact that he does it every weekend and I am not happy. Unfortunately we end up fighting every Sunday.
I ask his reason why he can not compromise with the time as I am being very understanding.
He does not seem he is worried how I feel. I don't know what to do. I am 31 and my boyfriend is 35 and going clubbing every weekend does sound right.
Also guys around him try to make fun of him that he needs to go home shame he can not have that lovely single life. I sometime really struggle to understand the guys.
Please advise otherwise I will breakup with my boyfriend as a person what's going on is not right and I do not want to accept this just because its love.

[amicon]

When there is no proper communication and no willingness to compromise and you clearly aren't happy something needs to change.
If he can't see this and you have tried several times to make him understand ,maybe its time to breakup?
And at 35 isn't he a bit old to go clubbing every weekend?

[redhed35]

So he is out with the boys having a laugh,few drinks and spotting the women,he sounds single..

He's 35... if you decide to get married,where do you thin he will be at the weekends... most likely the same place.

If he can't grow a pair of balls and tell his single friends he is not going clubbing every weekend,he's not going to have the balls to stick with you.

If it was me,id let him know what the story was, that I was not happy with him painting the town red every weekend,and if he does not want to try and spend time on your relationship,show him the door and say bye bye baby..

[talaniman]

You can throw away all you have invested on an issue that will change with time, if you wish, but I think a better option would be to back up, and develop self, and stop worrying about what he does. I say this because trying to reach compromise when another is comfortable with what he does, is pretty futile, and destructive, when you can be comfortable using your own time for yourself.

If you change the focus from what he does, to what you do without him, you won't be frustrated.

Look at the bigger picture here, and see why you are frustrated and want him to change, or compromise, (it usually out of fear, for whatever reason) and use that energy on you, and what you want to do, not what you want him to do.

I am a guy, and that one day a week was so important way back when, but like all things it changed, and that one day a week with the guys became taking the kids to the park etc. So it will be for him, as it is with all guys, so making this an issue is counterproductive at this point.

I am sure that if this is the only issue you have, your doing too great together to rock the boat over it, unless this is a small problem made worse by a bigger problem.

That's what I would want to know as its not always about the small potatoes, but a whole bag that makes it seem worse than it is.

I say this because after 4 years, and this is the worst glitch you have, why think of leaving??

[Prolin]

Thank you so much for your responds.
We just had another fight and found myself in a situation that I can't even pick up the phone and talk to someone how I feel.
We haven't spoken today really. Because he came home this morning at 5am again. And wanted to find out why he could not manage to come home earlier. No answer no explanation.
He went to see his family this afternoon and told me I must also come but we have a huge problem about it.
After 4 years his mother suddenly decided I am not good for him and made sure I am not welcome to their house. He thought I had all rights to be upset as I was very good to everybody in family and I did not deserve it. He had chat with his family and his mother told him that she will try to be nice to me.
I am 31 years old and I think I can choose if I want to be treated like this and told him I do not want to go there anymore because I don't want to feel uncomfortable.
Anyway he is back home and suddenly fight moved from him coming home late and partying everyweekend to I do not like people I do not even want to go to his family, I do not want to do anything I do not have friends my personality is my problem.
Its always like this somehow conversation ends up what I do what I don't do.
What makes me angry he is never appreciate what I do for him.
I find myself sitting in front of my lap top and writing lots of nonsense

So Talamani... I think our only problem is not clubbing. Maybe we have dipper than that. Maybe I am just scared of changing my life again and try to rebuild what I demolished in my own country.
I am 31 and made clear to him that I do want to have family and do want to have baby. And he made clear that its not what he wants currently. And he thinks all the married people around him are unhappy.
I think I am just walking towards something I don't even know what's going to happen.

[amicon]

Tough one I think the communication has broken down and that it seems you want different things from life.
The situation with his family isn't helping.
.
When people don't communicate there isn't much of a relationship.
Sometimes in life we have to make tough decisions.
If you are not happy I think you should walk away.

[talaniman]

Yes, it does seem the communications have broken down, but the real conflict is where are you both headed. He likes it the way it is, but your becoming less satisfied by the way things are. That makes you both lousy partners for each other.

I think at this point, you need other things in your life that your happy with, so you don't depend on him, and his family, for sole love and support.

As you become more independent, you will be able to see more options, than putting up with what he does.

You have been isolated for a long time, and I think that has to end, so you can know what to do for yourself.

Your independence will give you confidence, but he may not like that. So what!!

[Prolin]

I am not depend on him completely. I have a job I like and I do extra things to keep me busy. I go to gym the place I have piece most. Maybe I am just lonely in this country little bite and miss my family and being around a family. I am sure everybody will be agree with me that's something you need time to time.
I think we want different things from our lives at this stage and I don't even think we are on the same page.

Am I wasting my time?

[amicon]

Only you can decide that.
For me,personally, there would be too many red flags.

[emopunk7]

Try finding someone that doesn't go clubbing all the time. Clubbing every weekend would have me out the door. Perhaps once in a blue moon would be cool with me though. Why don't you go with him?

[talaniman]

I think we want different things from our lives at this stage and I don't even think we are on the same page.

Why don't you simply ask him what does he think the future hold for you as far as a family is concerned, and tell him that's what YOU want. Then you will know if your wasting your time.

I also think you may be a little bit homesick, so why haven't you kept in touch?