Check out some similar questions!

dadatrevion · May 9, 2009, 11:36 PM

I have been with my husband for 9 years and have been married for 6 years. We have two boys together. Lets see. We met my senior year in college and I left my boyfriend at that time for my husband. I was a very active person and get along with everyone. My husband was so nice to me and we had so much fun together. When I got pregnant with my first son, it seemed he got so jealous. I was only 22 and my life stopped. I stayed home and did nothing. He would leave to go out of town to visit his brother or cousin and would leave me at home alone. I understood, because he moved away from his family to be with me and I know he wanted to see his family from time to time. As I got further along, he went to see his brother and cousin almost every weekend. If I went to a friends house, to the store, my mother's house, I mean anywhere, I had a million questions coming at me, like who was there, did any one try to talk to you, were any guys there, I mean just a bunch of mess like that. Well I stopped going places to avoid all of those questions. That did not work either. I seemed to get worse. I tried everything to show him that I was not doing anything wrong (stopped all I liked to do). We would fuss and fight over these questions, because when I would give an answer he thought I was lying. Well I got pregnant again and a few months after I had my second son we got married. I guess I thought the problem would get better, because I knew I was not doing anything wrong. Well it has not gotten better. Til this day he still thinks I am cheating on him. It is not as bad as it was earlier in our relationship. Now I get an attitude with him and have an I DO NOT CARE ATTITUDE. I have really changed towards him!! When he is gone, I enjoy the time he is gone, because when he gets home, here comes all the damn questions. He constantly throws up one of my ex-boyfriends in my face often. Ex boyfriend back when I was 17, now 30. I am so fed up with gotten I want to do something I have to answer a bunch of questions, like he is trying to catch me in a lye. I have a good job and love it. He accuses me of messing with my co-workers, old classmates, EVEN WOMEN (I DON'T GO THERE), or just any body. He tells me I use my job to see other men, I mean the list can go on. I do not know what to do anymore. I am to the point I do not care if he leaves me. This is just a short letter of a little I have delta with. I do all I can to make him believe and trust in me. His girlfriend before me cheated on him and I feel he is taking it out on me. I have told him, he is not the only one who has been cheated on, and not to make me pay for your ex mistakes. I just do not know what to do, can someone help me!!

Two threads merged

ajGambino · May 10, 2009, 12:47 AM

You should sit him down and talk to him. Instead of arguing and giving negative tension in the house, just be nice and calm, try to talk to him showing that you really care about your connection.

If you've done all you can to try to talk to him and prove that you're not a liar and cheat, maybe it's time to think of some other options.

Gemini54 · May 10, 2009, 01:17 AM

This jealousy thing he has with you - it's all about his control and his insecurity.

You can't change his behavior - he has to change it. He's the one with the problem.

You need to decide if the relationship is important enough for you to put some work into it. If it is, you need to tell him that you love him, but you're not going to put up with his controlling jealous behavior any more. Tell him that the marriage is important to to you, but things need to change. Explain the bits of his behavior that bother you. Tell him that you will go to counselling with him, if he's prepared to work on it.

If he's not - you need to decide if it's worth continuing to live with someone like this. Nine years is a long time to put up with such emotionally abusive behavior.

tickle · May 10, 2009, 04:22 AM

I don't know how we can help you aside from emotional support. I am sorry that you didn't see the red flags after you had the first child, you say you didn't marry him until you had the second child. Probably hoping that would stabilize the situation, right ?

This man has absolute non trust issues that don't seem to be going away. He is just one of those people who just can't move on and probably lives in his head about past transgressions that don't necessarily have anything to do with you. That is really sad because it makes a heck of an atmosphere for you and the children.

I am not going to say counselling and you seem to be the type of person who enjoys open communication, so you have probably tried that too.

Why did he not take you on his out of town trips to see his family ? Is he ethnically different from you ?

Regards

Ms tickle

Squiffy78 · May 10, 2009, 04:32 AM

Hi, He doesn't trust you (possibly because you cheated on your previous boyfriend when you got together with him in the first place) He hasn't changed over time, I doubt he ever will. I don't think I would stay with someone who constantly accused me of cheating, and barraged me with questions every time I leave the house. You don't deserve to be treated lie that, but only you can make the decision whether to all time on it now or stay living the same. I don't think there is anything you can do to make him change.

DoulaLC · May 10, 2009, 04:44 AM

You could bring up the possibility of counseling so that the issue can finally be dealt with. Let him know that the years of constant questioning and distrust have taken their toll and you are considering leaving if that is what it takes for it to end. He can have the choice to work on it with you alone or to go with you and see professional help if it can't be handled by yourselves... which it likely won't since it appears to be so ingrained.

Could there have been anything going on with him while he was at his brother's or cousin's? If he was less than trustworthy, perhaps his own sense of guilt caused him to question you... sort of as a means to deflect any possible question towards him. Did his questioning and such start after these weekend visits or prior?

This far in, it has just become a habit almost, the way you two communicate and function... part of your on-going dance routine.

He needs to realize how this has worn you down, changed you from the person he married... and not for the better. You may even want to show him what you have written.

susangpyp · May 10, 2009, 04:49 AM

If you don't care if he leaves you then you might want to tell him: "Look, I am not cheating on you. If you can't trust me, maybe you should leave me. But we can't live like this. Either learn to trust me or leave me but do not stay and browbeat me for things I'm not doing. Because if you continue to do that, I will have to leave. I can't live this way. The boys can't live this way and you shouldn't think it's okay to live this way."

Apparently he is getting something from the way things are because he's not interested in changing them. So you have to tell him that things change one way or the other.

Fr_Chuck · May 10, 2009, 05:01 AM

Myself, he sleeps on the couch when he starts that bull. Tell him that you are a adult and are not to be treated like a child, If he can not behave like a adult also he knows where the door is.

Tell him "HE" has a problem and you would like to help him get help. Suggest counseling

But the short story to this, DO NOT take this, it will hurt you emotionaly and it will be a very bad example for the kids

talaniman · May 10, 2009, 08:25 AM

His problems are rooted in fear, that's his problem, yours is to NOT put up with his bad behavior.

1) Don't answer his questions any more. That's his fear talking
2) Don't stop doing what you enjoy because of his fear.
3) Don't take his problem personally.
4) Let him know very straight forwardly, that his behavior will not be tolerated. This will require letting him suffer the consequences of his actions, which is expressing your temper, and not your concession to his demands. You may have to leave for a few days, OR TELL, don't ask, that he do. (In my day we slept on the couch, when we acted an idiot to our partners. That's an option to consider.)
5) Under no circumstances give in to him, until he can...
A) Talk about it rationally, and is willing to do what it takes to relate better
B) Takes responsibility for his own actions, and recognizes how those actions are affecting YOU!

No more enabling, because as you see, it gets worse, not better.

dadatrevion · May 11, 2009, 04:42 AM

Last night I told him I was fed up with this and I was going to live my life and did not care if he liked it or not. I put my foot down and told him if he can't trust me, to leave me, because I am not going to live my life like this any more. He says he will work on his behavior, because he does not want us to split up. I really want to appreciate all the kind words of advise you all have given to me. If I have to leave, I will just have to take a lot of time to explain it to my boys. After I put my foot down with him, I felt so much better. Thanks again guys!!

tickle · May 11, 2009, 04:51 AM

You go girl! Absolute empowerment, good for you! Burn that bra!

:)

Ms tickle

mel67 · Sep 1, 2012, 04:25 PM

Good luck I hope you find answers. I am right there with you. I was convinced I lived in a private hell. I am a very free spirited person that use to enjoy life a lot. Now I do not even enjoy sex with my own husband due to constant accussing it turns me off everything in life. Everything.