[JDOP]

Hi all, obviously, my problem is about a woman. We broke up to weeks ago. The main reason (she said) was that she didn’t believe in a future for us anymore. We have been a couple for 18 months. The last couple of weeks of our relationship we had a lot of fights. I almost always started the fight because I felt I didn’t see her as much as I’d liked to and because I felt she didn’t make enough efforts to be together with me. So we broke up after a fight one night, got back together for a week and one week later she broke up with me again “because she didn’t know if she really wanted a future with me”. I cried, she cried, we hugged and finally said goodbye. When I asked her if this break-up was definite, she said she didn’t know. My main problem is that I want her back. Now that I have time to think it all over I know what the problem in our relationship was: she’s 3 years younger than me (19) and doesn’t want to commit to a relationship to the same level I do. I wanted to move on faster than her and had all kind of plans in my head that she wasn’t ready for. After all, I recently started working while she is still a student. Now I realize that I have put too much pressure on her by always wanting to be together with her. I told her this in a letter and she agreed with me. The problem is that now I realize these problems and I’m willing to change and give her more time and space etc. I never even thought of the possibility of us ever separating because we loved each other unconditionaly, I thought. We’ve been through a lot and we always managed to work it out. She said she still loves me but she’s not in love with me anymore like she used to be. She also said she wanted to keep in contact with me and has called me a couple of times since we broke up. The first days I begged a little and acted a little bit pathetic but ever since I managed to stop myself from trying to “convince” her or even talk about the relationship. The night I wrote her that letter she called me in tears and said she was sad because of the way things are going. Of course I interpreted this as hope. For the last week I didn’t seek contact with her and I didn’t hear much from her except some “casual” messages to hear how I’m doing. I’ve let her know (in the letter) that I still love her and want her back but that it’s going to take a lot of time for both of us to figure everything out.
Actually I already know what all your answers are going to be: to move on with my life and to forget about her. However, she is in my head 24-7. I can’t think of anything else. I’m completely fixated on the question: “will I get her back?”. Sometimes I think that I should let go and that everything is already said and done between us. That there is nothing in this world that will fix the love we had. That I am just reading in between lines and that my hope is false hope. Another part of me is saying that I’m being too pessimistic. That we both just need time and space to figure this out. That it is not a definite break-up.
The little voice in my head that says I have to let her go is killing me. The other (more quiet) voice that says I have to hold on is killing me too because it doesn’t help me to hold on to hope. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I wish I could look at it from a distance but I just can’t because I miss her too much.
Can anyone offer me some advice please? Is there a realistic chance of getting back together and how?

[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about the pain you are going through at the moment, I know it only too well, I am 10 weeks post breakup and have gone through all the motions you are going through over and over and over and still going over but it gets better with time...

O.K here goes...

Firstly, I notice your question being asked as "hold on, move on, or both?". This is a very contradictory question, since you cannot move on if you are still holding on, and letting go is part of the process of moving on! You need to understand this before you can begin to work on moving on..

My main problem is that I want her back. Now that I have time to think it all over I know what the problem in our relationship was: she's 3 years younger than me (19) and doesn't want to commit to a relationship to the same level I do.

It sure is your main problem, because until you realise that this relationship is over, at least for now (but possibly for good) you will not be able to move on. You pointed out that she is only 19 and you are 22. You are both way too young to commit to a serious relationship at this time. She needs to experiment and date other men at this time and you need to date other women. Sorry if this hurts but I know the situation you are in. Read my thread https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...elp-39548.html for my own story! Point is, you need to let go and realise that she is not ready for the kind of commitment that you FEEL you are ready for.

The first days I begged a little and acted a little bit pathetic but ever since I managed to stop myself from trying to “convince” her or even talk about the relationship.

I can't blame you for doing this, I did this also at the very early stage and it is understandable given the feelings you most definitely have for this woman. Truth is though, it did not do you any favours and would have reinforced her decision to walk!

Now I realize that I have put to much pressure on her by always wanting to be together with her. I told her this in a letter and she agreed with me. The problem is that now I realize these problems and I'm willing to change and give her more time and space etc.

It is good that you recognise where it is you went wrong. You were too available to her and unfortunately, by doing this, you were actually pushing her away during the relationship, making her your life and perhaps being a little needy. Even though you did not want to come across in this way, this is how it would have been interpreted by her. It is a smothering situation to be around your partner too much or talk to them on the phone too much. You need to work on yourself, making steps to improve yourself. Trying to get her back and put things right immediately is an illusion driven by your intense need to have her back in your life. Just because you recognise the problem does not mean you can put it right without making improvements to yourself first. You need to create a healthy life now without her and show her, as well as yourself that you can live a life without her..

How do you do this? You'll hear it a lot in this forum from others and this is NO CONTACT! Oh. But I must point out that No Contact is a time for you to work on yourself i.e. go to the gym, work hard, study, whatever.. It should not be viewed as a means of getting her back. I was making this mistake but I got put right on this one by a few wise fellows.

Actually I already know what all your answers are going to be: to move on with my life and to forget about her. However, she is in my head 24-7. I can't think of anything else. I'm completely fixated on the question: “will I get her back?”. I don't know what to do or think anymore.Can anyone offer me some advice please? Is there a realistic chance of getting back together and how?

She will be in your head 24-7 for quite some time to come. This is a huge loss for you! What you must do now to help yourself heal from this loss is to:

1.) Maintain NO CONTACT -- NO LETTERS, E-MAILS, PHONE CALLS, TEXTS, NOTHING!

2.) Keep yourself busy, go to the gym, take up an old hobby, spend time with friends and relatives, whatever.. Try to avoid alcohol where possible (it won't help)

3.)Try not to dwell on the past too much, focus on what you can do for yourself to improve you, as a person. Perhaps you have lost part of who you were before you met her. Try to establish what this was and get it back.

Is there a realistic chance of getting back together? Anything is possible but the only way it could ever happen is for you to MOVE ON and find a life without her.. Accept that she is gone! Chasing and telling her that things will change will not work. Believe me, I know it won't, others on here have done it and I have too! Does not work like this!

Whenever you need any advice or you are feeling down, come on here and talk, believe me these guys and gals offer great advice and they have helped me immensely and they will help you too!

I wish you well and hope that your healing starts soon!

[JDOP]

Thx a lot for your advise, I feel a lot better already. I agree with everything you say. I know now that "needing" somebody isn't the same as "loving" somebody. I need time to figure everything out. The problem is that she expects me to call. The last thing I want to do is piss her off and drive her even further away from me because - although- I know chances are thin- I still want her back on the long term.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Thx a lot for your advise, i feel a lot better already. I agree with everything you say. I know now that "needing" somebody isn't the same as "loving" somebody. I need time to figure everything out. The problem is that she expects me to call. The last thing I wanna do is piss her off and drive her even further away from me because - although- I know chances are thin- I still want her back on the long term.

Good, you are ALREADY making positive steps in understanding what it is you must do! There will be ups and downs but many people here will be willing to help you through this!

Chin Up!

[JDOP]

Just to realize what it is I must do does not make it easier. The only reason I'm going to do as I said (no contact etc) is because I think it will increase my chances of getting her back. Is it wrong to think like that? Thanks

[MJ6216]

just to realize what it is I must do does not make it easier. The only reason I'm going to do as I said (no contact etc) is because I think it will increase my chances of getting her back. Is it wrong to think like that? thx

No its not wrong to think like that... but you also have to keep in the back of your mind she might not come back... go on with your normal life and if you run into her somewhere a simple hi and bye will do... and she will realize after a while "WHAT DID I LET GO OF"

[Geoffersonairplane]

just to realize what it is I must do does not make it easier. The only reason I'm going to do as I said (no contact etc) is because I think it will increase my chances of getting her back. Is it wrong to think like that? thx

YES...

Very, Very wrong and although you are more likely to get her back in reality if you give her the space she needs, it is very unhealthy for you to think like this at this stage!

I held onto this and believe me you are thinking like this (understandably after only 2 weeks), unlogically. I understand you want her back man! Believe me, I understand, but No contact alone is not going to bring her back..

Given some more time, and more advice, you will learn that there are deeper reasons for No Contact!

If you contact her, you will push her further away guaranteed. The hardest thing you will need to come to terms with is the fact that she may never, ever be back and that is not a reflection of you but a great possibility...

It's all so fresh at the moment and in time (IN TIME) you will begin to understand this more!

Anything you want to ask or if you get to the point where you think you are going to contact her, please come on here and talk to whoever before you do something you may regret!

[JDOP]

So what you're actually saying is that the best chance of getting her back is to not try. Maybe you're right but when I say it out loud my brain gets a short circuit.

[Geoffersonairplane]

NO ITS NOT WRONG TO THINK LIKE THAT...BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO KEEP IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND SHE MIGHT NOT COME BACK...GO ON WITH YOUR NORMAL LIFE AND IF YOU RUN INTO HER SOMEWHERE A SIMPLE HI AND BYE WILL DO...AND SHE WILL REALIZE AFTER A WHILE "WHAT DID I LET GO OF"

It is understandable that you feel like that but wrong in terms of unhealthy for your healing process to begin..

There is nothing wrong about what you are feeling but there are steps to be taken for you to begin to move on but these will take time... 2 Weeks is nothing and you have a long way to go and you will take as long as you need as an individual..

There are no time limits...

Like I say, I am 10 weeks post breakup and have come a long way, definitely not there yet.. I was in love with my ex and was crushed by what happened but believe me, things will get better!!

[Geoffersonairplane]

so what you're actually saying is that the best chance of getting her back is to not try. Maybe you're right but when I say it out loud my brain gets a short circuit.

The best thing you can do is forget about getting her back!

I KNOW IT IS HARD!! I REALLY DO UNDERSTAND!

You need to take some time out to think about what I said in my first response... I did this with all the responses I got in my thread..

Eventually, I started to see the logic in what people were saying..

Do you know what? I have got more good advice on here than anywhere else in my life, relatives or friends because my situation was viewed from people who were giving a critical opinion which was not biased in any way but a true reflection of what they saw based on what I told them..

So what I am saying is you need to stand back, try and look at the bigger picture, but it is going to be hard at this stage because you are still at the point of thinking you want her back and nothing else will seem like an option..

I was like that, sometimes I still am, only 10 weeks for me remember but I find myself slipping less into the "will she come back" but more into the "would I really want her back" and believe me I loved my ex, I really did!.

You will get through it... Anything else you want to ask, go ahead..

I am hoping some other folks will step in here and help you to give you a new perspective on things..

[Geoffersonairplane]

Also,

Please remember or understand that:

If you love someone, I mean truly love them, then letting them go is a true measure of the love you have for them if that is what is best for them whether you feel it is or not.

I'm sure you know all of this, you just need a little reminding in this difficult time..

[s_cianci]

I think you've hit it on the head with admitting that you moved way too fast and pushed her too hard, etc. I don't honestly know what the odds are of you getting back together but I wouldn't bank on it. Live your life as though you aren't going to get back together. Get busy and involved with things now while you're on your own and not with anybody. It sounds to me like you're an overly needy person and that usually comes from boredom and having too much time on your hands. Get involved with your career, your education, your friends. Join a club or a gym. Do volunteer work. The list of possibilities goes on and on.

[JDOP]

I agree with whatall you guys are saying and I'm going to leave it be for a while. Try and get this whole thing out of my head. It's probably easier said then done because I'm thinking about it all of the time. The problem is that I still have sort of a masterplan in my head you know. A plan to get her back. I now it's not the way to go but it's the only way to cope with it for now: the knowledge that it's not impossible to get back together, although I know that it may never happen.
I read this quote: "Do not worry about things falling into place, where they fall, is the right place."
I know it's true, but then again, for now, for me, the only right place is her by my side.
I have also a question about the no contact thing. I'm not going to contact her or anything for a while now, but what is a while: enough time to stop needing her? To stop wanting her? Or enough to stop loving her?
Grtz

[wap]

My heart goes out to you. It is one of the most difficult things to get over, I know, I am still trying to get over it. You just have to take each day as it comes, but plan things to look forward to : ) Set yourself some goals. Even if it is just to look after yourself. When I think of everything I have done since my ex finished it, it is quite a lot : ) I know someone who lost 3 stone, was drinking all the time etc when her fiancé left her. I decided I was not going to be like this, I was going to take control of my own life, when it happened to me. You do become stronger, and it will take time, do not beat yourself up over anything, the way you feel or deal with things. It is a natural way to get through things.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I have also a question about the no contact thing. I'm not gonna contact her or anything for a while now, but what is a while: enough time to stop needing her? to stop wanting her? or enough to stop loving her?
grtz

No contact is for you only. I know what you are thinking, "if I don't contact her, she will miss me, she will wonder and wonder". The truth is, Yes, that is a possibility and it will be respecting her need for space, so a wise move. No contact though really should be just about you, making improvements for you and you alone.

I spent ages thinking like that and have come to the realisation that my ex won't be back and believe me, if you read my thread, you will see that I am not much different to you in terms of how I treated her. I just met her at the wrong time in her life.

To answer your question but I don't think you should think too much about this, you should maintain No Contact for 2 - 3 months but don't expect her to be calling you after this time. Also, don't contact her after the 2 - 3 months has passed. By the time this has passed, things will be clearer, you will still hurt for sure, but not as much.

The more time that passes, you may even decide that you don't want her back, maybe...

I notice you said in your recent response "but what is a while: enough time to stop needing her?"

This is part of the problem as to why you broke up and something you need to work on while you have No Contact. You should not Need her in your life in order to make your life complete. Wanting and Needing are two very different things. By adjusting your life and occupying yourself with different activities and different people, you will be taking a big step in changing this idea of Needing...

I know what it is like to lose part of who you are because you become too attached to that one person who you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with..

Things can only get better!

[JDOP]

I figure that I'm not over her yet at all and that before I am over her or at least stop needing her, I can't even begin to dream of wanting her back.
I'm not sure about the no contact stuff actually. We always had a very open relationship. I mean we told each other everything. Maybe it's just better to tell her that I'm not over her and that I'm not going to be over her in a while so she just has to take it easy on me.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I figure that I'm not over her yet at all and that before I am over her or at least stop needing her, I can't even begin to dream of wanting her back.
I'm not sure about hte no contact stuff actually. We always had a very open relationship. I mean we told eachother everything. Maybe it's just better to tell her that I'm not over her and that I'm not gonna be over her in a while so she just has to take it easy on me.

JDOP, I had a very open relationship with my ex, I spent 3 years with her, was engaged, she told me everything and I did to her. Most if not all people on this forum giving you advice will most likely say the same thing. You just FEEL that your relationship was somewhat different than anyone else's, somewhat more SPECIAL..

You know what, it was not.

It was special... Special to you, but no different to many other thousands of relationships that break up every day...

I don't mean to sound like I'm downgrading what you had or what you are going through but what I'm trying to do is put this into perspective for you. By telling her now that you are not over her and you won't be for some time is going to give her the idea that she can have you whenever she wants, that she has got you as a backup in case things don't work out with what she is doing now.

I know you want her back mate, I really understand but telling her this will make things twice as bad and will also leave you feeling worse too...

[ballybee]

Hi all, obviously, my problem is about a woman. We broke up to weeks ago. The main reason (she said) was that she didn’t believe in a future for us anymore. We have been a couple for 18 months. The last couple of weeks of our relationship we had a lot of fights. I almost always started the fight because I felt I didn’t see her as much as I’d liked to and because I felt she didn’t make enough efforts to be together with me. So we broke up after a fight one night, got back together for a week and one week later she broke up with me again “because she didn’t know if she really wanted a future with me”. I cried, she cried, we hugged and finally said goodbye. When I asked her if this break-up was definite, she said she didn’t know. My main problem is that I want her back. Now that I have time to think it all over I know what the problem in our relationship was: she’s 3 years younger than me (19) and doesn’t want to commit to a relationship to the same level I do. I wanted to move on faster than her and had all kind of plans in my head that she wasn’t ready for. After all, I recently started working while she is still a student. Now I realize that I have put to much pressure on her by always wanting to be together with her. I told her this in a letter and she agreed with me. The problem is that now I realize these problems and I’m willing to change and give her more time and space etc. I never even thought of the possibility of us ever separating because we loved eachother unconditionaly, I thought. We’ve been through a lot and we always managed to work it out. She said she still loves me but she’s not in love with me anymore like she used to be. She also said she wanted to keep in contact with me and has called me a couple of times since we broke up. The first days I begged a little and acted a little bit pathetic but ever since I managed to stop myself from trying to “convince” her or even talk about the relationship. The night I wrote her that letter she called me in tears and said she was sad because of the way things are going. Of course I interpreted this as hope. For the last week I didn’t seek contact with her and I didn’t hear much from her except some “casual” messages to hear how I’m doing. I’ve let her know (in the letter) that I still love her and want her back but that it’s gonna take a lot of time for both of us to figure everything out.
Actually I already know what all your answers are going to be: to move on with my life and to forget about her. However, she is in my head 24-7. I can’t think of anything else. I’m completely fixated on the question: “will I get her back?”. Sometimes I think that I should let go and that everything is already said and done between us. That there is nothing in this world that will fix the love we had. That I am just reading in between lines and that my hope is false hope. Another part of me is saying that I’m being too pessimistic. That we both just need time and space to figure this out. That it is not a definite break-up.
The little voice in my head that says I have to let her go is killing me. The other (more quiet) voice that says I have to hold on is killing me too because it doesn’t help me to hold on to hope. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. I wish I could look at it from a distance but I just can’t because I miss her too much.
Can anyone offer me some advice please? Is there a realistic chance of getting back together and how?

you know what... it appears that the two of you are in a very close environment.. take a holiday or find some relief work to do somewhere in Darfur or something... it will soothe your pain and give you a sense of self-value and independence.. because you will be unconsciously force to use your brain resources for something else

[JDOP]

Just the thought that she is never going to say back "I love you" anymore makes me want to jump of a cliff. I've managed to keep my cool over the last week but there are times, like right now, that I feel I can't handle it anymore

[Geoffersonairplane]

just the thought that she is never going to say back "I love you" anymore makes me wanna jump of a cliff. I've managed to keep my cool over the last week but there are times, like right now, that I feel I can't handle it anymore

You have got the strength to get through it. I am a sensitive kind of guy and I thought I could not get through it but I am making progress.

And I know you can too.

What are you doing to get your mind off it?