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    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #1

    Oct 28, 2006, 10:48 AM
    Relationship Breakup Help
    Hi, Just need a little advice please...

    My relationship with my fiancÚ has ended after 3 years a couple of months ago. I will start from the beginning. I met her when I was 23, she was 17, I did not know if it would work to start with as she wanted to finish it after 4 weeks of dating. She then asked me back on the same day after I said I was O.K. with it but kind of disappointed. I took her back and then continued dating, having fun and it was a good relationship and we did many things together. She then broke up with me again 18 months later claiming she wanted to be free and single again and that she missed going out with her friends and the 'it's not you, it's me' quote. I was very hurt by this as by this point, I knew I was in love with her and the relationship had grown very serious. I accepted the breakup after some begging to her to give it a second chance. I had never done anything wrong but care for her. After 5 or 6 days after she knew I accepted it, her mum rang me up saying she was breaking down in tears saying she hated herself and that she missed me and wanted me back. I took her back... I loved her. Four months later we got engaged and she was adamant she wanted to marry me, I wanted to take things slowly but agreed that since I loved her, why wait... We got enagaged in December 2005... 3 weeks ago, she met up with one of her female friends who she had not heard from for a while and went out with her for the weekend. She then rang me up on the Monday after saying she wanted to finish the relationship as she did not love me anymore and did not want to be with me anymore. I could not believe it, she said this last time. A few days later, I went to see her face to face and she told me the same... I broke down in tears as she told me. I asked her if there was someone else but she said "no...I just want to be on my own" and told me to find someone better than her. She then gave me the engagement ring I asked for back and said "I just think we should leave it for a while" What did that mean?? I said "no, leave it forever" and she seemed to not like me saying that. I can't help but think that her friend has misled her or manipulated her into this decision and maybe said something like, "being single is better". I have since spoke to her mum who says she is not seeing anyone else but around her friends house every night. I tried some contact but she does not want to know. I have now decided to end all contact... I still hope that she will come back... I think where I may have gone wrong this time is that I showed her that I did not want to break up with her this time and it has been 2 months now and she has not contacted me. I love her so much but I am broken hearted by what she has put me through...

    I just wanted to add that she is now 20, and I am 26, this was her first real relationship. Some friends have told me that she may miss single life and wants to experiment... This hurts but sounds possible.. She did says to her mum that she met me too young... I am hurting like hell over this, does anyone think I will get her back and is no contact the best way?
    Sorry for rambling on in here...
    Please can someone help me understand this?
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #2

    Oct 28, 2006, 12:39 PM
    She obviously doesn't know what she wants and is therefore a bad candidate for marriage. You're actually fortunate to be rid of her. She may feel that she never had a chance to "sow her wild oats" and that could have been a mitigating factor. That's purely a subjective feeling in my opinion. I really don't think that a young person misses out on anything by not "sowing their wild oats." I've been there and believe me, it's nothing to write home about. Frankly, for me, I think it was just a way to rationalize my loneliness. She'll probably have her regrets. Meanwhile, you just have to pack up and move on and build a life without her. Look at this as an opportunity to start anew.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,282, Reputation: 10853
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    #3

    Oct 28, 2006, 01:48 PM
    For your own sake the no contact is the way to heal and time will put things in a better prospective. She is at a different maturity level than you are and you should move on without her.
    alfonsina7's Avatar
    alfonsina7 Posts: 5, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Oct 29, 2006, 02:26 PM
    She is way too young to even get married... trust me you don't want to marry a gil that is doing this right now, because she ll probably end up cheating on you if you get married... I believe every person needs to get the whole party have fun be single kinds thing at some point or another.. she obviously hasn't gotten it out of her system yet...
    U shouldn't have to deal with this right now... I know its hard to cut all contact( believe me I know... ) but as time goes by ill get easier and ull meet the person that is in the same mental place as u...
    Good luck
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
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    #5

    Oct 29, 2006, 03:44 PM
    People who are not ready aren't inherently wrong, they're just not a good fit with someone who is. I don't see her as relationship material, let alone marriage. It may have to do with age, and it may not. Lots of factors there.

    I once had to move on from someone too and it WAS hard. After you get left, in a way you have to "leave too" --like it or not. I moved on knowing that by the time he might come to his senses, I would be too far past the "get back together" stage or (if he really waited a long time) even involved with someone else. It was hard but it was doable and so I did. Turned out I was involved with someone else LOL and to make it really humbling, fourteen years had passed. Gawd.

    You won't always feel like this, Geoff.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #6

    Oct 29, 2006, 09:31 PM
    She's ONLY 20 - forget it. Way too young. Women really should not get married until at least age 25.

    Seems like you're WAY to forgiving to me - from what you've said you seem like her doormat where she can come and go.

    I bet $1 million you're not ready to get married either.

    I'd leave her a lone and move on.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #7

    Oct 30, 2006, 12:04 PM
    Thanks for the replies... I agree Wildcat, she is probably too young for Marriage but I never intended to rush things, it was her that pushed us into getting engaged.. I was happy to take things slowly because of her age but at the same time, I did not want her to think I did not want commitment because I did love her. In the back of my mind though, I had my doubts about her because she used to hint that she missed being single... I think the engagement to her was more about showing off and having an engagement party and a nice ring on her finger... They say love is blind, well I was definitely blind on this one... Most family and friends said it would not last, I thought they were wrong but I was wrong... And if she ever did come back, how could I forgive her and even build up that trust again... + as you say, I would be a doormat, she would not respect me, so even though deep down, I would want her back, the reality is that it probably would not work and I suppose I would be setting myself up for getting hurt all over again.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #8

    Oct 30, 2006, 12:18 PM
    Learn from this - move on. She's a user.

    If you leave her alone I bet she tests you again and calls. But, I'd leave her alone for like 5 years. She's WAY too imature to understand what a marriage was - she'd get bored and cheat on you.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #9

    Oct 31, 2006, 05:10 AM
    Hi Wildcat,

    Are you saying that if I don't contact her, she may try to test me by seeing if I want her back and then reject me again. Do you think it would be unwise to wait for her?

    i.e quoting the doormat phrase, that is what I would be to her if I waited
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,282, Reputation: 10853
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    #10

    Oct 31, 2006, 06:24 AM
    I'm not Wildcat but I am up early so here's my 2 cents
    Are you saying that if I don't contact her, she may try to test me by seeing if I want her back and then reject me again
    Yes is your answer and you must stick to your guns and not be led astray by her. Do not let her stop your healing. She is too immature.
    Example-She calls to see if you want to be friends , but no she isn't ready for a relationship..
    Do you think it would be unwise to wait for her?
    It would be dumb to stop ones own progress to wait for someone who doesn't know what they want. Stay on your own course and get a life without her.
    K_3's Avatar
    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #11

    Oct 31, 2006, 06:55 AM
    If most of your family and friends felt it would not last, they may have seen something in your relationship that you did not. A 6 year difference in ages may not seem like much a little later in life but at 17 and 23, it is a big difference. What did you do from age 17 to 23? She wants to hang with her friends and have fun. On the other hand she broke up with you often, that could have ben immaturity and it could be a pattern that will follow her through life. I would not wait for her. It has been 2 months since you heard from her. You are in a different spot in life and start a new life. Life is too short to waste any of it waiting for someone who may or may not come back and then may or may not leave again. Relationships are a lot of work without that being the root.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #12

    Oct 31, 2006, 07:26 AM
    Hi Talaniman,

    Just a quick question, appreciate all your advice. From the last post, are you saying it is best that if she did contact me to ask for friendship, I should basically not allow her back into my life at all. I don't think friendship with an ex would work but I guess if she was testing me , she would be attempting to fish to see if I still had feelings or if I had moved on...

    Hurts like hell but I think that from all the advice I am given, it is best to forget her and move on for good. I just have this weird feeling that she wants me on the backburnr so to speak while she has her fun... Like when she said, "I think we should leave it for a while" when we first broke up.

    What do you think this means? Or am I searching for hidden meanings that really are not there?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,282, Reputation: 10853
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    #13

    Oct 31, 2006, 07:31 AM
    I understand your confusion and rather than try to explain someone else's motivations embark on your own plan that doesn't include her. Things will be clearer with the passage of time and you work on yourself!
    K_3's Avatar
    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #14

    Oct 31, 2006, 07:32 AM
    This is not Tal, but I think you are right, she wants you on the back burner for security for when she might want to come back or if things do not work out with what she is doing now. She may be dating someone without her mom knowing. Some can remain friends, but in your case where you still care so much for her, I would not. Maybe down the road you could be, but for now just move on away from her.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #15

    Oct 31, 2006, 07:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by K_3
    This is not Tal, but I think you are right, she wants you on the back burner for security for when she might want to come back or if things do not work out with what she is doing now. She may be dating someone without her mom knowing.

    Also, if she wanted to get back with me if things did not work out whether it be with a new man or with her single life, I would always be second best because she felt that the grass was greener on the other side when she left.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #16

    Oct 31, 2006, 08:50 AM
    Never, never be plan B. They WILL take yo ufor granted. No respect for you. They will cheat or leave again.
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #17

    Oct 31, 2006, 12:11 PM
    Hi Wildcat,

    I read this below on another website: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t43164/

    All about no contact and it says that no contact should not be seen as a way to get an ex back. Do you agree or disagree with the thread below.. This is not mine by the way, I copied and pasted it from the website above just to get your viewpoint on it. Any other views would be appreciated.
    ************************************************** ************************
    To me, "No Contact" is what ought to happen after a relationship is already over. I agree in that communication is a very essential part of any relationship. When a relationship ends, however, I think it is best for both parties to discontinue speaking with one another.

    In my experiences, I have learned that what works best for me is to quit talking to, going near, or associating in any way with someone who suddenly becomes an ex. Perhaps a few months later the person might say hello, and a year down the line we can be friends, but there has to be a lot of time apart. "No contact" helps the healing process, and prevents anything more icky from developing out of the break up. Some people try to view the no contact thing as a way to win an ex back, but that is completely wrong.

    While in a relationship, I think it is important to retain a certain amount of personal space and "alone time", but communication should never be discontinued. When a relationship is over, however, the two people do not really have any business speaking to one another for quite some time, if they are going to speak to one another ever again that is.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #18

    Oct 31, 2006, 01:59 PM
    I don't completely agree - but NO CONTACT is for you to work on yourself. Be come strong again. Get you power back. Get over them - the only way to get them back is get over them. Get your balls - get yourself ready to go date. Improve.

    I also think he/she is talking from the DUMPER stand point!
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #19

    Oct 31, 2006, 04:26 PM
    Yes the no contact period should be used by you to get over it and become happy again. Work on you.

    It isn't used as a means to win back an ex. Stupid move.

    I think you might be catching on.

    Your best move now as hard as it will be is to completely cut contact with her and begin your healing process. It isn't going to be easy but having no contact will be the best way for you to move on and one day find a happy and fulfilling relationship.

    But stick around here and help others and get more help from the great people here. I have found this to be one of my best outlets!
    Geoffersonairplane's Avatar
    Geoffersonairplane Posts: 1,195, Reputation: 286
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    #20

    Nov 1, 2006, 06:55 AM
    I forgot to mention something, something that I have been thinking about or remembering. During the 3rd year of our relationship, she said once, I wonder what it would be like to sleep with another man. I just ignored it, we had good intamacy but I often wonder if she felt she missed out on experimentation... You see, I was her first real boyfriend emotionally and physically and once she even said in a jokey way that she could finish with me and do her single thing and get back with me... I said that would not work but took it all as jokey talk just to wind me up... But I had the chance to walk the wild party side when I was younger, because she was with me between ages 17 - 20 I think she feels she missed out on it, even though I was o.k about her going out with her friends, never smothered her but she felt I was too good to be cheated on, the last thing she said to me 2 months ago was "I'm scared if I stay with you any longer, I will cheat on you, and you" and she said "find someone better than me".. The last thing she said to her mum who was angry about her decision was, I met him too young..

    So this re-inforces the fact that we were incompatible at the time we met...

    I am further confused by dwelling on the comment that she said when we broke up, "I think we should just leave it for a while" I take this as, let me have my fun for a while and I will come back when I am done, because I don't want to feel guilty about doing something while I am with you...

    If so, what a mug I would be for waiting...

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