[SaxEf63e]

My husband’s accusations are so outrageous that I convinced myself I’m alone in this. I’m thankful for all the women who had shared their stories on this site. I want to know if any of these husbands had recovered from their odd behaviors? If so, did the relationship work out? I’m asking this because if there is no hope, I won’t waste my time with him trying to save our marriage.

My husband once told me that it was love at first sight. He had asked me to marry him within 6 month of dating. At the time, he was a divorcée who had full custody of his 2 children (4 & 5 years-old). I was not ready to be a step-mom so I declined his proposal. During this time, he had 2 one-night stands and 1 resulted with a child. Subsequently, I had 2 one-night stands for revenge and told him about it just to hurt him. Then we both came to the conclusion that we want to be with each other and promised to start all over. For the past 13 years, our relationship has been fairytale happy. My friends were jealous because they see he worshipped me. I can do no wrong in his eyes. He lets me do as I pleased and never try to control me. I traveled around the world without him. I moved across the country for 4 years with his blessings. He never once accused me of being unfaithful during this time. He was never insecure that I made more money than him. Instead, that motivated him to go back to school so he can give us a better life. Finally we got married 2 years ago. Within few months of our marriage, his nephew died of hit and run and his dead-beat dad admitted for hospice care. About 8 months ago, out of the blue, he started accusing me of cheating. At first it was with his cousin, then it was with his friends. At first, I thought he was going through a mid-life crisis but now I’m convinced he’s mentally ill with paranoia.

Follows are some of his accusations: He claimed our neighbor’s 10 year-old son made comments to him suggesting that I’m unfaithful (he said kids don’t lie). He told my friends to get help for my cocaine addiction (I don’t even smoke). He convinced me that our placed was bugged because the FBIs were investigating illegal sex trades within our building (untrue). He claimed that the FBI told him that they had a sex tape of me (never made any sex tapes). Because of this, we moved and bought a house to start fresh. He even initiated and completed therapy. Everything was going well so we decided to start our own family. I knew something was wrong when I told him I was expecting. He did not jump for joy as I expected. He then started with his accusations again and convinced that he’s not the father (he wants a DNA test). Since then, he threatened me with a divorce and trial separation but never followed through. He accused me of cheating with a neighbor. If I showered or change bed sheets when he’s not home, he accuses me of washing the evidence away. He’s convinced that I am being prostituted against my will because I owe gang members some money. Of course none of it are true. He once even locked himself in the bathroom because the bathroom is the only room in our house with a lock. He would call me at work out of the blue to tell me that he wants a divorce. He gets upset if he cannot get a hold of me by phone. We are both professionals making good money and law-abiding citizen. He wasn’t a heavy smoker or drinker but has since quit for the sake of the baby. I secretly wish he went back to drinking and smoking (at least he wasn’t being accusatory). Recently, he told me he had thoughts of hiring a private eye. He even said that he’s embarrassed to ask his FBI friend to run a background check on me (although he does have a FBI friend).

We have started back on therapy with a different therapist a week ago. My concern is that since the first rounds of therapy didn’t work, should we seek other methods? He flatly refused to see a psychiatrist for fear of being committed against his will. I feel he needs medications but I know he would not take them. He has no family history of mental illness. He left his first marriage simply because they fell out of love. He says he loves me very much and wants to work on our marriage. Yet he cannot control his “feelings” that I am unfaithful. He said that his instinct never failed him. I tried to be supportive and not react to his accusations but it’s very hurtful. I am 6 months pregnant and emotionally drained by him. I’m sure it’s not healthy for the baby either. I’m just afraid that he may act up when I’m in labor and he won’t be there for me. I’m afraid to tell my family cause I’m embarrassed. I want to leave him but I’m afraid that would just confirm his suspicion. Any comments are welcome.

[Jake2008]

For his sake, as well as your own, insist on him seeing a Psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis. I'm not qualified to say he has one, but I highly suspect that he is, just as you do.

This is not something that you can repair or fix on your own. In my opinion, this situation unchecked, could get worse, and with a baby coming, time is of the essence.

If you can enlist the help of his or your family, friends, pastor, to talk to him about going to therapy, he may see that it is not just you being unreasonable.

It is important that you start writing out all these 'episodes' with him, and bring that to the Doctor's attention, so he has some idea what he is dealing with. If your husband clams up, and says nothing, the Doctor cannot offer much help.

Watch for signs that his behaviour is increasinly more unstable, frequent, or becoming violent.

I don't want to scare you, and I am certain that a consulting Psychiatrist will see what you are seeing also.

Time to take action.

[QLP]

I agree this could be very serious. I had a relative with a serious mental illness and this behaviour sounds all too familiar. Of course your husband may be nowhere near as ill but only a professional can judge that and I think you need to know.

If he won't seek medical aid can you talk to your own doctor about your fears? Do you get chance to talk to the therapist alone and have you asked his opinion?

Don't be embarrassed to talk to your family or anyone else who can support you. You need all the help you can get. This is not your fault and if he is mentally ill it is not his fault either. There is a stigma attached to mental health problems but people don't choose to have them and probably suffer way more than anyone with a physical ailment. Would you be embarrassed to talk about the fact he had a broken leg?

If you find it hard to say all this stuff to people perhaps you could print out the list of all the things he has done that worry you and hand that over.

[Gemini54]

I'm VERY concerned for your child. Who knows what direction his paranoid fantasies may take once the baby is born?

He flatly refused to see a psychiatrist for fear of being committed against his will.

This surely indicates, that to some degree he is aware of this accusations and the effect they have on you?

If your husband truly loves you, as he claims, then your current therapist must convince him to have a full psychiatric assessment. He should also have a full physical, as occasionally these types of delusional disorders can be caused by something happening in the brain.

You simply can't deal with this on your own. Speak to a friend, or to your family and, if necessary, ask them to keep it confidential. You will feel much better if you confide in someone - the people that care about you are the most appropriate people to provide you with support and encouragement.

[Cat1864]

How much of this does your new therapist know?

You might want to get him to go to the doctor for a complete physical examination. The problem may not be only psychological. There could be a physical problem as well and it could seem less threatening to him to talk to a physician.

I would also talk to your ob so that he/she knows about any possible problems that might arise with your husband and the stress that you and the baby are under.

[talaniman]

He needs help, and fast. This may be a case that YOUR family may have to support, and help you, get him some help.