[LittleLadyRed]

Me and my boyfriend (me 18 and him 28) have now been dating for nearly 2 years. We have a lot of ups and downs but who doesn't.
One problem that I'd like to address is the feeling that I feel controlled by him.

I enjoy playing online games, such as Evony, Travian etc etc, I'm a gamer and I just love to entertain myself for a few hours. In these games it usually involves some sort of chat where you can turn to people for game help etc.
He doesn't like that I go on these chats because he just doesn't like it when I talk to other people in general. Even in real life he's the same. He's especially bad if it's other males.

We recently had a really bad patch and I told him I would never, ever chat on these things just to keep him happy otherwise he would have ended it with me. I didn't want to, these chats are very helpful and a relief to be able to talk to other different people from around the world etc. I do a lot of things that he wants me to do just to keep him happy. Right now I am going against what he asks of me by talking about our private life.

I don't know how to go about this issue, how to assure him, he just seems really paranoid most of the time. I need advice on how to approach this.

[slapshot_oi]

He's controlling because he's a loser and he knows this, why was a 26 year-old dating a 16 year-old? I mean really, you must've asked yourself the same question.

He's not going to change. Break-up with him and date someone closer to your age.

[LittleLadyRed]

He's controlling because he's a loser and he knows this, why was a 26 year-old dating a 16 year-old? I mean really, you must've asked yourself the same question.

He's not going to change. Break-up with him and date someone closer to your age.

That's a little harsh don't you think? Age has nothing to do with it. He's just possessive that's all. He's a lovely man and I love him very much.

[lgilliland]

He is a waste! Try doing things that make YOU happy. He is not going to change but he WILL get worse.

Good luck

[BlackVY]

From my experience as being a controlling boyfriend in the past, its not such an easy habit to break, and though you try to show him that you are committed to him and what him to be assured that you are just talking to people for fun, not to hook up with them, its not going to be easy for him to believe or accept.

It will take time on his part to understand that you love him and won't hurt him. He may have been less controlling with an ex in the past, an ex who hurt him because he gave her too much freedom to do whatever she wanted, so now he is being more careful and more protective. I know its not good, but the guy doesn't know it and can't really see it as a bad thing.

He needs to know how this makes you feel, and that him controlling you like this, holding you so tight, might make you leave him and his possessiveness in the future, because though you may not want to leave, you will feel so suffocated that you will have no choice.

My advice is to talk to him, tell him how this makes you feel, be honest and open with him and keep telling him that he is the only one for you and you won't hurt him, that talking to some people is just something you do when you are playing your games and you are not looking for someone else to be with. Even invite him to sit in some of your online games with you if that will prove to him there is no flirting going on in your chats... This might reduce his worry factor..

[LittleLadyRed]

From my experience as being a controlling boyfriend in the past, its not such an easy habit to break, and though you try to show him that you are committed to him and what him to be assured that you are just talking to people for fun, not to hook up with them, its not going to be easy for him to believe or accept.

It will take time on his part to understand that you love him and won't hurt him. He may have been less controlling with an ex in the past, an ex who hurt him because he gave her too much freedom to do whatever she wanted, so now he is being more careful and more protective. I know its not good, but the guy doesn't know it and can't really see it as a bad thing.

He needs to know how this makes you feel, and that him controlling you like this, holding you so tight, might make you leave him and his possessiveness in the future, because though you may not want to leave, you will feel so suffocated that you will have no choice.

My advice is to talk to him, tell him how this makes you feel, be honest and open with him and keep telling him that he is the only one for you and you won't hurt him, that talking to some people is just something you do when you are playing your games and you are not looking for someone else to be with. Even invite him to sit in some of your online games with you if that will prove to him there is no flirting going on in your chats... This might reduce his worry factor..

Most useful comment I've had so far. I have told him that I will prove it to him but he refuses to see any proof.
He knows I love him and he knows I talk to people because I enjoy to talk and make friends.. but still.. he nags me constantly.
Although I do admit that his behaviour might be also due to something I did in the past (I never flirted, cheated etc nothing of the sort) I think I have given enough assurance of this?
Now that I think about it I may be to blame but I have never looked at another man.

[BlackVY]

Most useful comment I've had so far. I have told him that I will prove it to him but he refuses to see any proof.
He knows I love him and he knows I talk to people because I enjoy to talk and make friends.. but still.. he nags me constantly.
Although I do admit that his behaviour might be also due to something I did in the past (I never flirted, cheated etc nothing of the sort) I think I have given enough assurance of this?
Now that I think about it I may be to blame but I have never looked at another man.

Do not blame yourself. Trust me, its not your fault.

If he is this insecure in this relationship, or if you have done something for him not to ever trust you, then there is no relationship and he would have broken up with you.

He stayed because he loves you and knows he can trust you, but another issue he may have is a low self-esteem. He may not think he is good enough for you, so to keep you, he has to keep you from finding someone better. This is another possibility.

Do you know if he suffers from low self esteem or a poor self image?

[LittleLadyRed]

Do not blame yourself. Trust me, its not your fault.

If he is this insecure in this relationship, or if you have done something for him not to ever trust you, then there is no relationship and he would have broken up with you.

He stayed because he loves you and knows he can trust you, but another issue he may have is a low self-esteem. He may not think he is good enough for you, so to keep you, he has to keep you from finding someone better. This is another possibility.

Do you know if he suffers from low self esteem or a poor self image?

He does not like his appearance no. In the many arguments we have he tells me that he deserves better but we always end up making up again. I feel he wants to settle permanently because of his age, but, I don't know what the future holds for us.. with these many arguments I feel drawn further away from him. It also doesn't help he's constantly down throat about what I'm doing and if I'm talking to someone. God forbid if I talk to anyone else apart from him..

[BlackVY]

He does not like his appearance no. In the many arguments we have he tells me that he deserves better but we always end up making up again. I feel he wants to settle permanently because of his age, but, I don't know what the future holds for us.. with these many arguments I feel drawn further away from him. It also doesn't help he's constantly down throat about what I'm doing and if I'm talking to someone. God forbid if I talk to anyone else apart from him..

He seems very possessive and unsure of himself, but its not very nice that he tells you that HE deserves better... that means he thinks he is better than you or can do better than you. That doesn't seem to be consistent with his behavior.

Also you are right, it would make sense that he wants to settle down at his age, bu you are too young for that I think. You still have a life to live, and maybe he sees that, and by getting angry when you talk to other people, he thinks he is stopping you from having a life, and if he keeps this up, he will succeed in making you waste your youth being controlled by him, and in the end, he will have you right where he wants you and you will feel there is nothing left to do but "settle down".

He might be worried that at his age, he needs to settle down soon, and he pretty much has you now, seemingly wrapped around his finger, so he will keep up the control until you give up and settle with him I guess. Sorry to say, but I don't think this is good at all... :(

[LittleLadyRed]

He seems very possessive and unsure of himself, but its not very nice that he tells you that HE deserves better... that means he thinks he is better than you or can do better than you. That doesn't seem to be consistent with his behavior.

Also you are right, it would make sense that he wants to settle down at his age, bu you are too young for that I think. You still have a life to live, and maybe he sees that, and by getting angry when you talk to other people, he thinks he is stopping you from having a life, and if he keeps this up, he will succeed in making you waste your youth being controlled by him, and in the end, he will have you right where he wants you and you will feel there is nothing left to do but "settle down".

He might be worried that at his age, he needs to settle down soon, and he pretty much has you now, seemingly wrapped around his finger, so he will keep up the control until you give up and settle with him I guess. Sorry to say, but I don't think this is good at all... :(

I don't think he even realises what he's going. When I try and explain to him that I feel it's controlling he definitely says it isn't.
He is a good man, and he wouldn't do anything on purpose to try and hold me back, he says I am free to leave if I ever wanted to. He just has some issues regarding trust and he's possessive. We have different views on what is freedom or not.

[BlackVY]

I don't think he even realises what he's going. When I try and explain to him that I feel it's controlling he definitely says it isn't.
He is a good man, and he wouldn't do anything on purpose to try and hold me back, he says I am free to leave if I ever wanted to. He just has some issues regarding trust and he's possessive. We have different views on what is freedom or not.

I see what you mean, he might think you are free, but he is controlling you. Its clear you love him, but don't blame yourself for him controlling you or him having issues. He really needs to sort himself out if he wishes to be in a good relationship...

[LittleLadyRed]

I see what you mean, he might think you are free, but he is controlling you. Its clear you love him, but don't blame yourself for him controlling you or him having issues. He really needs to sort himself out if he wishes to be in a good relationship...

Thanks for the advice :)

[BlackVY]

Thanks for the advice :)

No worries, and I wish you the best of luck.

As someone else says, do what makes you happy, and if he truly loves you, he will stop being so controlling because he would want to see you happy...

[Devorameira]

Dealing with a controlling boyfriend can be tiresome & annoying and can wear heavily on your patience. Being constantly controlled or policed is something nobody should have to endure, even if you care about the person that you are with.

Unless he's shown violent tendancies, confront him about his behavior. You may think that ignoring the situation will minimize conflict, but it will actually make your problem worse by allowing resentment to grow. Set boundaries. Let your boyfriend know what is acceptable behavior and what is not. If you feel like he's being controlling, you need to let him know that he needs to stop. This should be done in an assertive, matter of fact manner where you are still considerate of his feelings but serious about your need to be left alone.

Sometimes no amount of work can repair a relationship that is dominated by a controlling boyfriend that refuses to change. In this instance the best thing that you can do is move on to something happier and healthier.

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There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go. - Tennessee Williams

[paxe]

I see a lot of red-flags here that you are trying to downplay. First off, there is a decade of age difference, and he started dating you when you were 16. And yes age does matter a lot, especially a decade. The fact that he is controlling and doesn't want you to speak to other people, even in online chat in a video game, is a major red flag here.

Nobody should put this kind of control on who to talk, or who not to talk to. He'll be even more controlling as he ages. You even said you have tried talking to him seriously and you said he is controlling, but he doesn't agree. It seems that communication is failing.

You should think seriously of your options here and if communication fails, then you will need to break up. Could you live with a person who controls you all your life? I doubt it.

[Alty]

No one has the right to control you and what you do. I don't care if he's insecure, that's his problem, not yours.

This is just the beginning. First he tells you who you're allowed to talk to, then he tells you what you're allowed to wear. Before you know it you'll have no one left in your life but him and you'll be a prisoner in your own home.

Is that what you want?

He needs to figure this out but that doesn't mean that you have to stay with him while he does.

[slapshot_oi]

That's a little harsh don't you think? Age has nothing to do with it. He's just possessive that's all. He's a lovely man and I love him very much.

I thought you might say that.

You can do what you want (provided your boyfriend allows it), but I ain't buying age has nothing to do with it.

Possessive boyfriends don't stop being possessive. I know a kid who fits your boyfriends description, he's dating a girl 7 years younger than him (he's 23) and won't let her do anything without his consent, needless to say I and everyone I know stopped talking to him, so he now has no friends, which means all of his time and energy is focused on her, and this is bad; does your boyfriend have any friends?

I digress. Anyway, given your age and situation, the only good solution is to end the relationship. I mean, preventing you from chatting online is a little extreme.

[friend4u178]

How long are you willing to put up with the possesive behavior?? Because it won't just go away.

You need to tell him he either does something about it and let you lead a normal life or your out of there.

Put the ball in his court.

[Gemini54]

He's just possessive that's all.

He's actually much more than possessive. He's insecure, afraid, distrusting and controlling of your interactions with other people. And, even worse, he has no real reason to be.

The thing with people like your BF is, you can never ever really 'prove' to them that you're doing the 'right' thing. Because they are always looking for the 'wrong' thing - they are looking for the reason to distrust, fear and be paranoid of your activities and actions.

If you love this guy, and hopefully he loves you, then you must let him know it's destroying your relationship, and your respect for him. Lack of trust in you is HIS issue, not YOURS. So put the responsibility back on to him. Don't change your behavior to please him or to prove to him that you're not cheating, talking to other guys, whatever.

Tell him that he needs to deal with it. Tell him that you care about him and love him and that you are prepared to compromise on some things, but that you won't be bullied or controlled in order to make him feel better.

Let him know that if he wants the relationship to continue, then he must make some changes and think about what motivates his behavior. It's never too late or too soon to do some self reflection!

Remember, allowing someone to continually behave badly because you love them doesn't give them the opportunity to change for the better.

[I wish]

Devil's advocate

I suspect that age does play a factor in this relationship. He was 26 and you were 16 when you first started. In a way, he's going to see you grow up from a teenager to an adult. So because of that, he's going to have some brotherly/protective tendencies. These tendencies will cause him to be controlling.

A healthy relationship is based on trust and mutual understanding. A healthy relationship operates on a two-way street. You can't be the only one compromising. You should be able to do what makes you happy.