[indianacitizen]

About 2 months ago I broke up with my first serious girlfriend (of 10 months). She said she loved me, that she would love me forever and I it was said by others that she was crazy about me. (For some stupid reason I am insecure about my relationships with people, not just girlfriends but with others too, but that is beside the point). Well, we started dating in the middle of our senior year of high school, she was the one who initiated the relationship in the first place, too. If it helps to know this, she spent A LOT of time at my house, she would sometimes stay until almost midnight on school nights (I think this was because of family issues).
I wasn't expecting this: about three months into the relationship she said "I love you" for the first time which I wasn't ready to say back until like 1.5 months later. We were joined at the hip, however, we both knew that college was coming like a freight train and we were going to schools that are more than 10 hours apart by car. We told each other we were willing to try long distance. Now, we are both ones to party which does not help anything much. About 5-6 weeks in, things got a little shaky; I have to admit some of it is my fault because of my insecurity about relationships, and I made her believe that I didn't trust her at all (which probably is true to some extent).
The week before her fall break starts (which she was coming home for to see me) we began to fight/argue about the status of our relationship. She was very mad at me and because of only 2-3 days of fighting we had basically broken up. When she came home that weekend I also drove back up home to see her and the purpose of this meeting was simply to end things. This is where I am confused/frustrated/pissed off: She revealed to me that she had, that week, cheated on me because we were fighting. Is her problem? She said to me: I hope we can be friends and she even said "I love you" again before driving home. About two weeks later I log onto Facebook to see that she has already entered a relationship with this new guy (I really hate this guy) and she seems so damn happy where she is. That is what makes me really upset, how could she drop me so easily and just move on like that?
Another thing: the guy she is apparently so in love with ALREADY is a senior in college... what is she thinking?
The most important issue at hand for me is my current situation. Because we have the same group of friends, we are having a get together of this group of friends the day after thanksgiving and she is going to be there. She texted (first contact in 2 months) me several days ago basically saying I don't want to make it weird for our friends because of our situation. She also said that "hopefully we can be friends" but I am so made at her that I don't see how that is even possible. She also told me that if I want to talk that she is always "here for me" but I just can't get the feeling out that she is just spitting BS into my face. Anyway, she sent me this text several days ago but I never responded... I did it to get a message across that I don't even want to see her, but I am going to see her at my friends house in just a day.
I have no idea what to do/say, and I don't even know how she really feels about all this; one part of me says maybe she is sincere, but the other half of me thinks she was just using me and couldn't care less about what happened. It has been tearing me up all semester and I feel like doomsday is coming.
My question for all of you is: What am I supposed to say to her? I feel like I shouldn't have to reach out to her (that if she really wants to be "friends" then she should be the one to initiate) but she is so damn blind and it appears that she doesn't care about the situation at all which is the most confusing thing I have ever come across in my life.

[I wish]

I'm sorry to hear about your break up. Any break up is tough. However, you're prolonging the agony by keeping in touch with her and viewing her Facebook page.

She's obviously further along than you in the recovery progress. You haven't even begun recovering yet. So your best bet is to avoid all possible contact with her until you've healed from the break up. That includes deleting her from Facebook. Here are the no contact rules: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...qs-332732.html

Every time you break these rules, you're going to reset all the progress you've made and go back to square one.

As for your mutual friends. If they were really your friends, they would understand that you need to recover from the break up, so it would be best if you and your ex weren't invited to the same events. It's just a temporary arrangement until YOU have recovered.

She can easily tell you that she still wants to be friends because she's further along in the recovery process. But you're not there yet, so you have to hold off the friendship until you've healed. Otherwise, you're just going to prolong the pain and suffering by over-analyzing all her actions and building false hope.

[Mistique]

Once, I dated this guy, he was older then me (I was so into him (NOT in love but thought I COULD love him)) and I was very young. He was in senior year and I was in the start of senior school... there was a 3 year age difference (I was 15 and he was 18). He went to the clubs, he was very popular, he was into sports, he drove a car... he was a hottie! We where at a mutual friends party and I met him... he instantly started talking to me and we hit it off. We started dating after about a month of knowing each other. I am not going to get into the physical aspect of it but he tried and I said no way (I was not ready for any of that)... because of that rejection I guess he cheated on me. I had no idea about him cheating and so I still dated him... he told me he loved me (probably would say just about anything to get me where he wanted to)... anyway... I found out he was with a senior high slut (there is no one this girl did not sleep with in and out of the school) and broke up with him immediately... we dated for six months and he met my parents and family/came over and all that stuff. It was weird for my friends... at first... they told me I didn't have to come if I didn't want to - but I said oh, whatever, no big deal - don't worry about me - I can handle him! The next time I saw him was at party (we also shared the same group of friends) about 5 months after our break up.

Since the time we broke up until the next time I saw him... this is what I did. I learned to laugh everything off - I watched comedy, I talked to friends, had a make over, worked on my confidence, lost some more weight, engaged myself into esteem building habits and poof!! I was a new person... I dreaded the party because this guy seriously played me (all he wanted was to have sex with me) and I was not about to be played again! I used everything to my advantage - I dressed nice (wore my best tight white jeans) and did my hair/make up. I was happy, outgoing and acted like nothing even happened... really, I said hello, how are you, kept its positive/simple/sweet and very short. I taught myself not to be attracted to him and actually seen him for what he really was and I thought "his loss; not mine"... it worked! He dumped his senior girlfriend and chased me around the entire night. He actually started begging and I started getting a sick feeling in my stomach - right then I realized that I hated him... SO I said "not unless you let me and the girls dress you up like a woman (dress, bra, makeup, hair - the entire works) then I will kiss you" - he did it! After we made a huge spectacle of him - I kissed him on the cheek and said "too late but thanks for the laugh it was great!". I saw his eyes change from hope to disappointment and I called for my ride and left the party much later (I had a blast and ended up hooking up with my best friends brother... he was absolutely sweet and smart and caring). The guy that tried to get in my pants (the only reason why he liked me was for sex) was in a corner to himself the rest of the night. I still don't feel bad about what I did - what he did was pursue jail bait! After what he tried and did... humiliation was minor compared to the many times I had to cry.

I am not telling you to humiliate her (I only humiliated this guy because he hurt my horribly and humiliated me in another way)... what I am saying is build up that confidence, learn to laugh and when you do see her... treat everything as if it never happened... keep it simple, sweet, to the point and short... brief conversations are easier to control then long ones. Be involved with everyone around you and try to pay no attention to her (not even the one two many glances) unless you are in conversation... or you can choose to avoid it and not go to the party.

Yeah, NO CONTACT on Facebook, phone, e-mail, MySpace, texts... whatever... just keep it simple and pleasant when you see her and leave if you feel that you are losing control over your emotions - go get something to eat or drink. I had no contact with him in my 5 months of recovery (this is only a 6 month relationship).

Don't be friends with her; keep her as an acquaintance... there is a difference.

[indianacitizen]

Thank you all for answering so quickly. I forgot to mention that I did block her on every facet of media I could, Facebook, online chats and all that. But she just texted me and I have no idea what her intentions are. I have to be honest though, I'm certain that I may still have some feelings for her but I'm just so upset and confused about her actions. I just don't understand how a person who claims they love you so much would be able to treat me like a rag doll and not seem to care at all.

[I wish]

Don't respond. It will only add to the confusion.

It happens. You only dated for a few months, so you might not know her as well as you thought. Furthermore, feelings change. People change. Be glad that she didn't drag things out with you.
You don't need to bang your head over this anymore. Leave her in your past. Move forward with your life.

[Mistique]

I agree with I Wish. Don't respond, just ignore it and let it go. Sometimes a non-response is a strong response... meaning maybe she will get the hint that you don't want her in your life at all and move on. You need to move on and in order to do that, you need no contact with her and you need to set those boundaries.

Keep it friendly but keep her very distant (acquaintance). It is what it is; if you want you can text her back saying "no problem" but even that might make things weird... she may want to talk about it more... your not ready for that and honestly, it is a waste of energy and as I Wish put it "adds to the confusion" and that is just that "confusion".

[talaniman]

The rules are simple, if you can't be civil in public, stay away and get control of yourself.

I can understand your anger, and conflicting emotions, but don't take it out on your friends. Its not worth it, nor is it very classy. You both end up looking foolish, and ruining everyone's good time with your personal BS.

That was what her intentions are in contacting you, not be a fool in public.

Put your best foot forward, and have a good time, or stay home.

[indianacitizen]

Thank you all guys. I have a question for everyone, is it foolish that I think I still have feelings for her?

[talaniman]

Its not foolish at all, but it is foolish not to accept her feelings for you have changed