Check out some similar questions!

Alloy20 · Sep 19, 2007, 06:45 PM

So I've been dating my boyfriend for 1.5 years. Our relationship was AMAZING and we often considered ourselves a better, more stable couple than many of our friends who are in relationships. We were in love and have talked about having a future together. We both go to the same college, but live in different states. This summer I stayed at school doing my internship, working and being very busy. He was home which is only about 45 minutes away from school, being very busy as well. We didn't get to see each other as much as we did last summer when the relationship was still relatively new (even though we were further apart then).
He gets back to school and suddenly drops a bomb on me that his "feelings have changed" and he loves me, but because he didn't miss me as much this summer as he did last summer "doesn't know if he's IN LOVE with me" and that he needed some time apart to figure things out. I was completely blind-sighted because up until that day he never let on that he was having questions, or anything. I do admit I might have been more clingy this summer towards him, because I didn't get to see him much and maybe that was a catalyst for all of this.
We've had arguments before about him not putting as much into the relationship as I was and I threatened a break up, to which he would always adamantly refuse. He says he gets comfortable (in the relationship) after a period and gets lazy, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love me.
I think that after 1.5 years, we are no longer in the "honeymoon phase" and that he's assuming that means he isn't in love with me. This is his first relationship, it is not mine though. I can appreciate how great our relationship was, but because he's never had anything else to compare it to, I don't think he can appreciate how special we are.
So now we're about 3 weeks into this "break" that he initiated, but he has not told any of our mutual friends about our situation. On his webpage he is still listed as "in a relationship" with me and I still have my own category on his instant messenger and I'm listed under "my girl". I don't understand why he would do these things if he wants to be apart.
So I tried not talking to him at all and couldn't do it. When I broke down and contacted him he initially acted defensive like "oh since when do you talk to me?" and then 5 minutes later would ask to come over because he missed me.
Some days we spend lots of time together and he usually initiates cuddling and kissing, etc. and other days we won't speak at all. We'll do platonic friend things like go to the gym together and he'll try to kiss me and I refuse. He blows hot and cold and each day is different.
I'm trying to give him the space he wants, but ultimately I still want to get back together. I love him. I believe every relationship has its trying moments and that this could very well be ours. So, I'm wondering whether I should stick it out and try to be friends with him, but stop cuddling, etc. (and let him know that I'm not an object to be used), or to stop talking to him completely and see what happens.
He maintains that he loves me and needs me in his life, so I'm thinking that if its really true, that he wouldn't be able to bear having no contact with me at all and would eventually come around/wake up.
In the meantime, should I make our "break" public to our friends (which would be painful for me, and would let him know that this really means business), or should I let him continue the façade he's keeping up (which could make it harder for him to move on/let go, or forget about me being that part of his life)? And does anyone have any insight as to what he could be thinking?

Homegirl 50 · Sep 19, 2007, 06:59 PM

Do you think that maybe he has interest in another girl? At any rate, if he wants space give it to him. I'm thinking his saying he wants space really means he wants to be free. Go on with your life. He has probably done so with his. Don't call him, don't IM him, leave him a lone.
I'm a firm believer in when they say they want a break, what they are really saying is, "they want to be free" if they want to call you, they will, chances are they won't Leave them alone and get on with your life.

ilovcali · Sep 19, 2007, 07:01 PM

BREAK = BREAK-UP. Don't let him have his cake and eat it too! Show him what life is like when YOU ARE REALLY GONE. Give him what he wants.

I actually think that when you ARE REALLY GONE this guy very well might realize what he had. Just a hunch. I think he is just so used to you being there, he has taken the whole thing for granted. DESERT HIM. Let him know that YOU DON'T NEED HIM. You WANT him but DON'T NEED him.

And if he really does stray, then you know his decision definitively. DISAPPEAR FROM HIS LIFE.

--Cali

CaptainRich · Sep 19, 2007, 07:06 PM

I'm not an expert, but I do believe it doesn't really matter what you want... right now. To him, the only thing that matters is what he wants, for the reasons he wants.

He had a brief respite of time away from you and perhaps rebonded with his bud's, or otherwise enjoyed less constraints. Not that you are constraining... you know?

If later he wants to get more together with you, and you still want to, then... you will. I think that right now, he's not necessarily playing the field, but not wanting too tied down, either.

I don't agree that "I need more time" means he'll think about you more. I think it means less. I do agree with not calling or deliberately coming around him is a better way to make him realize you're not going to just sit by the phone. You sound quite bright and should allow yourself to socialize on a similar level as he's doing.

Do I make myself clear?

talaniman · Sep 19, 2007, 07:12 PM

You both are hot and cold to each other, and maybe you both should set each other free to grow, and see what life will bring. You never know.

Alloy20 · Sep 19, 2007, 08:17 PM

Thanks. Its just hard because we go to the same school, have the same friends and work at he same place. I mean, I can avoid his IMs, but it gets hard when I see him in person. And we both have Facebook. Should I end our relationship on there and make it public to everyone? I don't know how he would react to that, it could make things worse, or it could show him that I'm not his doormat anymore..

ilovcali · Sep 19, 2007, 08:41 PM

End it in person. Don't worry about others knowing. End it with him, and people will know pretty fast. MAKE SURE HE KNOWS BEFORE ANYONE ELSE DOES. Never get the friends involved in this stuff.

Good luck.

--Cali

Alloy20 · Sep 19, 2007, 09:02 PM

Sorry I think I might have been unclear. He's communicated to me that we are indeed broken up. But on his Facebook he still says the he's in a relationship with me, and so I haven't changed mine. We haven't told any of our friends personally either (at least not that I am aware of). Therefore everyone else still thinks we're together. I'm thinking he hasn't changed it because he still wants to keep 1 foot in the door in case he changes his mind. I could be wrong I just don't know if I should be the one to change the relationship status and make it "public", or let it stay the way it is, even though we really aren't together

ilovcali · Sep 19, 2007, 09:11 PM

Well, since you are BROKEN UP, he is no longer your worry. What he thinks or feels is not more important than what you think or feel. So, I would change your Facebook if it is that big a deal to you.

Remember, you are on your OWN now. What he wants and asks for, is no longer your responsibility to provide. And if he is upset that you changed your Facebook, just say

"sorry, but I'm single, so I changed it". Never let someone else have their cake and eat it too. That is what he is doing.

--Cali

CaptainRich · Sep 19, 2007, 09:11 PM

How bad do you want to keep 1 foot in your door? One foot in means one foot out, too. Metaphorically.

He doesn't know what he wants and instead of deciding, he's making you uncomfortable and worried.

And I'm not seeing any smiles in your posts! You deserve to be happy, too!

Alloy20 · Sep 19, 2007, 09:28 PM

Thanks I'm going to try not talking to him and see what happens. I've done this before but only for about 2 days at most and he usually comes sniffing around saying he missed me. If he does this time, I'm going to stay firm. I'll keep you all posted. Hopefully I'll have some smiles to post on here soon

mckenzie134 · Sep 19, 2007, 11:21 PM

You were in a relationship, he stepped out of it. You want him back and we know that, so you are holding false hope.

The more you confirm what he wants the more he will be unsure if he does.

But while you let him dictate you will get no where.

Trust me this guy still wants you Put your profile up as single and when he sees it and asks why tell him he wanterd the break your not interested in someone who wants a break you want a realationship and if he doent that's OK plenty of great guys who do... and this is the truth nothing wrong with telling him the truth.

Don't be scared he will go fine because if he does he doesn't really want you anyway and iof he does he will let you know very wuickly as soon as he realises he no longer has you wraped around his little finger...

This will work do it now or suffer the pain and lety him use you till he finds another.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 20, 2007, 05:49 AM

Originally Posted by Alloy20

Thanks. Its just hard because we go to the same school, have the same friends and work at he same place. I mean, I can avoid his IMs, but it gets hard when I see him in person. And we both have facebook. Should I end our relationship on there and make it public to everyone? I don't know how he would react to that, it could make things worse, or it could show him that I'm not his doormat anymore...?

You already know, he has told you. I don't know what you mean by ending it there. If you are listed as a couple, then remove his name. He ended it, there is no reason why he should be upset. And don't be getting together with him. You're not a doormat or a booty call.

Alloy20 · Sep 21, 2007, 03:13 PM

Just wondering. What would be better? To be platonic friends with him, or to have no contact at all with him? He still wants to be friends, but is angry with me for ignoring him now. I feel like in order to fix things, he has to at least feel that we are on good terms and not have negative feelings towards me. And then I could do the No Contact thing and it would have more of an effect. What does everyone think?

nkychic · Sep 21, 2007, 03:21 PM

I definitely agree with the "no contact" idea. He's ended it. When you have so many emotions then you can't be 'just friends'. It's too soon to try that, one or both of you will inevitably be hurt. As far as working at the same place, you don't have to ignore him. Be professional. You can say good morning, good afternoon, whatever, but don't push a relationship. Treat him like any other 'co-worker,' because at this point that is what he is. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out.

Homegirl 50 · Sep 21, 2007, 03:30 PM

Originally Posted by Alloy20

Just wondering. What would be better? To be platonic friends with him, or to have no contact at all with him? He still wants to be friends, but is angry with me for ignoring him now. I feel like in order to fix things, he has to at least feel that we are on good terms and not have negative feelings towards me. And then I could do the No Contact thing and it would have more of an effect. What does everyone think?

Oh girl, he wants to keep you on the hook. He wanted the space let him have it. If he gets mad, tough. Why are you even worried what he thinks? He dumped you! Get sone dignity. Show him the hand and keep on moving.

talaniman · Sep 22, 2007, 06:25 PM

Originally Posted by Alloy20

Just wondering. What would be better? To be platonic friends with him, or to have no contact at all with him? He still wants to be friends, but is angry with me for ignoring him now. I feel like in order to fix things, he has to at least feel that we are on good terms and not have negative feelings towards me. And then I could do the No Contact thing and it would have more of an effect. What does everyone think?

Sounds as if your still holding that false hope, and what can you be thinking allowing what he feels to control your actions? Not very healthy, and it smacks of him manipulating you, and everyone knows that's not love or caring. Go directly to NO CONTACT and stick with it and you will see for yourself his control he has over you and tour emotions. You want a lot more than he can give and its just so dumb for you to be willing to be controlled and manipulated for his purpose, in the name of a very false love that he doesn't feel. Get your act together and away from his influence for your own good.