[Confused_99]

I have been married for 6 months now.Before marriage, in fact the second time we spoke, I had told him that I had a very strong affair for 3 years which eventually did not work out. In fact I was cheated in that relationship.
He told me that I have to completely forget about my past.That he doesn't mind whatever happened in the past... even if I had a child by my earlier affiar! As long as I don't still love the other guy. I said that I do not love the other person any more. And I accepted this marriage and this man as God's gift to me. He enveloped me with love and care and felt like the luckiest woman in the world. Every other girl envied me. Some ten days before my marriage I came to know that he was already married once and the divorce proceedings are still going on. It caused huge pain to me. He did not disclose this fact to me of his own free will. Anyway I had to tell this to my mother. After a lot of mental anguish we decided to go along with this since we had nobody to support us. My father had died many years back.

From then he started asking me specific details about my previous affair. It eventually turned into a horrible blame game.
Every night I contemplate suicide. I cannot rewrite my past. I have made mistakes. I have been in a physical relationship in my past affair. But I thought he had accepted it completely when he told me that even if I had a kid he would accept me.
Now I am the sinner in the relationship even though he was the one who tricked me without telling me the truth iabout his first marriage and the beginning itself.

Now he tells me he doesn't want a child for at least 5 years since he doesn't want the child to see the tension between us. This I understand is also a form of punishment.
He puts me through torture every night asking me about the specifics of my previous affair. All my friends tell me I was a fool to tel him the truth. But I wanted to be honest with my spouse. All I have done in this life was love and trust people.

I am already 27 years old and I'm worried if I delay my childbirth for 5 years it might be a bad idea. I also want to know what solution is there to this problem. How can I make my husband understand that I love him more than anythign else in this world and that I will do anythign for him? Will he ever become his old loving self again?
I am in extreme pain. As I said I contemplate suicide every night and I've almost attempted several times to do it. It is just the thought of my widowed mother that prevents me from doing it.
I need help. Somebody please advise me.

[Cat1864]

What country do you live in?

Is his divorce final?

[Gemini54]

You need to stop talking about it. You've talked enough. It is NONE of his business, and it is in the past. He married you knowing that you'd had an affair, and that was his choice.

So don't engage with him on this topic any more. He's developed some sort of obsession or jealousy round it, and it's up to you to STOP answering his questions. Your husband is punishing you and you need to take back control. Don't allow him to bully you with your guilt.

Let him know you've talked enough, he knows enough and you want to put it in the past.
Let him know you won't be talking about it, at all, with him any more.
Let him know that you love him, but you won't support him in his obsession with your affair any more. It's his problem and if it bothers him, ask him to seek professional help.

Stick to your word. If he starts talking or hassling you about it, leave the room. Go outside.
Sleep in another room if you have to. Do not allow yourself to be bullied!

- One thing I didn't understand from your post - how can you be married if he is not yet divorced?

[Jake2008]

First of all, there is NO man on God's green earth that is worth dying over.

Your relationship with your husband is based on deceipt. While you disclosed your past to him, and he accepted it, he decided to marry you, without first being divorced. To 'forget' to inform you of this little side note, is not an accident. He could have waited until it was final, put the wedding off for six months. Why did he set you up to marry him, knowing full well, he was not divorced, and that he had been married before. Why the secrets.

What he is doing is deflecting his lying, deceiptful self, by making your past the issue. While he has you spinning in circles feeling guilty, he is off the hook for answering why he did what he did-to you.

I don't think you know the whole story about this man. He sounds very spiteful and mean, not to mention controlling. He is making your life miserable, and he married you under false pretense. There has to be more to this; I'm thinking money, citizenship?

He certainly played the game well in the beginning to convince you that he was an honest, truthful person. But the truth is, he is not.

This feels really dangerous to me for some reason. Is it possible for you to move in with your mother, until you can figure out what to do? I hope too that you will visit your family Doctor, and seek a referral for counselling for yourself. It is really important that you address the depression, and get some sound advice and guidance about why this relationship is not working out.

Are there any other facts about him that you can share, or that you have found out? Are you suspicious of him yourself, and has he been physically abusive with you?

[Confused_99]

To answer CAT1864 , I live in India. The divorce is over.
@Gemini54 - This is exactly what I feel.. I will stop talking to him about this. I'v tried to in the past. My problem is that I can't say no to him. But I will work on it.
I got married immediately after his divorce proceedings got finalized. That is when I came to know about all this.
Yes he seems to be obsessed about this topic in some way. Thank you for your help.. I feel much better just knowing that somebody understands how I feel.
@Jake2008 - what you said... thats exactly what I thought. There must be something in his mind. That's what my mother was worried about too. But there could be no plausible reason. We are both equals when it comes to money. Citizenship is not an issue.its not like I'm that beautiful that he has to be possessive.. in fact he is much better looking than me! I'm really plump and short... he is trim and muscular, with almost an actor's good looks.

He is not physically abusive.

The thing that I have not made clear and that I would like to say is that.. he does not hurt me in any other way. He is loving and caring half the time when he is not brooding about my previous affair. He never even raises his voice when he is talking about this. Everybody considers him to be a gem of a person.

I think he may also just be confused. In his confused mind he doesn't realize what wrong he has done to me. And probably he just can't imagine the woman he loves in another man's arms... even if it was in the past.

Some days are OK... like today.
But somedays I realize.. as you said... that our relationship is based on deceipt. He lies a lot generally about everything. Its just a way of life with him. Small little white lies... and I hate lies. I just hate it.

But I haven't seen him hurt a fly till date. I think he has a weak character. And he needs some help to become stronger. I hope that's it.

He keeps asking... put this problem in front of somebody else... will any man be able to live with a woman who has had such a strong relationship before? I think we are not used to it in India.

I feel that the only that should count now is whether I'm truthful and sincere to him now and if I love him. I am all of this. In my mind there is nothing more to worry about... but it is not so with him. He tortures himself unnecessarily as much as he tortures me too I guess...

[Cat1864]

You said that he wants to wait five years to have children because he doesn't want them to 'see the tension between you.' Since it is his asking about your past relationship that appears to be causing the tension, I think you need to sit down and have a calm discussion with him about the future.

Try not feel defensive or make him feel defensive, but ask him why he wants to wait five years to start a family. Does he think that the tension will go away on its own while he keeps bringing up the past? Is there a reason why he is saying five years instead or two or six (arbitrary numbers)? Does he even want children? Does he think that in five years you won't or he can come up with another excuse not to have a child?

I wonder if he is using your past as a way to create a reason not to have children yet. I do believe in giving time for a couple to get used to being together before bringing children into the mix, however, he seems to be working on a schedule of his own instead of working with you on a reasonable plan for the future that works for both of you.

Why did he and his ex-wife divorce? Could he be trying to work through unresolved issues from his past marriage by picking at your past relationship?

[Silver Lining]

Confused_99,
You need to have a serious conversation with your hubby. He needs to know that you have given him your heart and there is nothing more precious than that. Talking about your past again and again is not the right way to patch the relationship. Haven't you forgiven him for hiding his divorce proceedings? If you have, so should he. Relationships are based on trust. Frequent questions about your past just means that he doesn't trust you. Be nice as always, love him like you have no one else to love. Don't ignore him, ignore his questions about your past.
Frankly, he has no right to ask you about your past. It is your life, your past. You didn't know that he was your future. If you did, I am sure you wouldn't have had an affair with another man. By the way, why did you break up with the other guy?
I am an Indian too. I know how it feels to have had an affair and marry someone else. I was cheated for 2 years. Just used me in bed and when it was time to be serious, he dumped me. He was irresponsible. I told my husband about my past. He felt bad about it. Fortunately that topic never came out. As for my friend, she was pregnant with her bf's baby, he refused to take responsibility and she had an abortion. She dumped him too. Then she got married to some guuy her parents chose. They fight almost everyday about her past. The guy had an affair too but that never comes up.
There's nothing you can do about it. That's Indian way of life. If men have an affair, its nothing to talk about but if women have an affair, that's a big issue.

[Jake2008]

Had to spread the love Cat, but your answer was very insightful. Lots for our OP to think about.

[Gemini54]

I don't care if it is India.

Confused_99, you can still manage your husband's behavior. It IS obsessive and it is, ultimately, damaging to the relationship and the emotional well being of both of you. I don't think you should just accept his behavior because he is an Indian man.

You sound strong and insightful about your own situation and I believe that you can, by refusing to engage in any more talk about it, shift his obsessive thinking about your previous relationship.

As for the lies, I don't know. Why does he feel he has to lie? I agree with Cat and Jake, there are some odd things going on here.

[Jake2008]

Had to spread the love Gemini, but you are absolutely right, this isn't about him being Indian.

Is it possible to seek counselling?

[Confused_99]

@Cat1864... Well your right... I don't think he likes children much or that he is ready for children. I believe he is just using this as an excuse for not having children. 5 years just means that he wants to postpone it for a really long time. Hmm.. well essentially... from what I've understood of him... he is immature. Recently a friend was talking about waiting a few years before having a kid because she had too many problems to deal with now. I think in his immaturity he just used her words.

His previous affair -They got a mutual divorce... it was a huge mess-up apparently. His parents didn't know about it and when they did they refused to acknowledge it.They did not like her due to various reasons apparently.

I'v tried to sit down and have a discussion with him. He responds like a child. When he is a good mood he is enthusiastic and loving and says "i was just joking...there's no problem.I love you more than anythign else in the world". And when hez in a bad mood he repeatedly asks me the same questions... why did you do it why did you do it...

@Silver Lining... I'v forgiven him... in fact I haven't even found the need to forgive him. He made a big mistake... not intentionally but it happened. He also suffered a lot in his relationship with her... she was uncaring,cold. Thinking about his deceit causes me pain... thats all. But I don't think about it. There's no point now. It's all over and we have a fresh life... a fresh beginning. I keep saying this to him... not to cling on to the past.
He... he isn't a very deep person. You know... listens to but hardly understands any deep conversation. Almost like a child most of the time. You know how you get frustrated with a child trying to express a huge concept? It's a similar feeling.
If I knew he was my future I wouldn't have had that affair.
That affair did not work out because... after all the love making (which lasted for 2 years with promises of marriage) he realized that we aren't right for each other!. I belong to a middle class family and his family is not too well of.He decided one fine day that we neednt take it forward! I couldn't believe my ears...

All that I have done in this life time is love and trust and be a fool.

@Gemini54... Well we had a huge fight yesterday (talking calmly never works)... I lost my temper completely... and I raged at him for almost an hour and finally broke into tears. He was completely repentant. He almost started crying himself. He said he would never hurt me again... He understood what he was doing to me and he would never ask me anything about my past again. He hugged and kissed me for a long time and even in my sleep I could feel him waking up and carressing my forehead... when I woke up in the morning he was looking at me and he hugged me. He said he would love me as much as he could every day for the rest of his life and make up for the way he hurt me.
I love him more than anything else in this world. I have no option but to believe him now. I want to... I need his love and care.

As for the lying part.. I think it is just a bit of bad upbrining... dont want to blame his parents but there it is. He tells me has been lying from since when he was a kid.. never stopped. But I believe he hasn't lied to me in the last 6 months. You know he tries to change... once he is made aware of his mistakes he makes a real effort to change them.

And lastly to Jake2008... If this stage of peace doesn't continue and he brings this topic again, I'm going to suggest counselling.

Thanks girls... thanks a ton for all the kind words. I wanted some support... and I got it. I wanted to know I was right in what I said.now I know that I am... Saying "thanks" isn't enough for that. :)

[Jake2008]

I'm glad that you are open to suggestions and opinions. The more you learn and think about, the better off you will be. :)

[Gemini54]

I wish you every peace and happiness and wish you only good things!

Take care and keep strong.

[Cat1864]

Remember that this thread is still here if you want more advice or need a place to vent.

I hope things work out for you. :)

[Silver Lining]

It doesn't matter what class of family you come from, as long as he treats you properly. If you have forgiven him for his past (and also hiding it from you), so should he.

Anyway, glad you had a talk with him. Hope everything goes well. As Cat said, the thread is still here for you. Take care.

[Confused_99]

Thank you everybody for your good wishes. Im overwhelmed by the responses. I won't be around for a while so won't see any more responses... maybe for a month or so.
But yes... the thread is still alive. Your suggestions are all so.. 1q... if I have a problem I know where to come. :)

[Confused_99]

Sorry last line to be read as " your suggestions have all been so helpful...if i have a problem i know where to come." Thanks a ton guys... :)