I have been married for 6 months now.Before marriage, in fact the second time we spoke, I had told him that I had a very strong affair for 3 years which eventually did not work out. In fact I was cheated in that relationship.
He told me that I have to completely forget about my past.That he doesn't mind whatever happened in the past... even if I had a child by my earlier affiar! As long as I don't still love the other guy. I said that I do not love the other person any more. And I accepted this marriage and this man as God's gift to me. He enveloped me with love and care and felt like the luckiest woman in the world. Every other girl envied me. Some ten days before my marriage I came to know that he was already married once and the divorce proceedings are still going on. It caused huge pain to me. He did not disclose this fact to me of his own free will. Anyway I had to tell this to my mother. After a lot of mental anguish we decided to go along with this since we had nobody to support us. My father had died many years back.
From then he started asking me specific details about my previous affair. It eventually turned into a horrible blame game.
Every night I contemplate suicide. I cannot rewrite my past. I have made mistakes. I have been in a physical relationship in my past affair. But I thought he had accepted it completely when he told me that even if I had a kid he would accept me.
Now I am the sinner in the relationship even though he was the one who tricked me without telling me the truth iabout his first marriage and the beginning itself.
Now he tells me he doesn't want a child for at least 5 years since he doesn't want the child to see the tension between us. This I understand is also a form of punishment.
He puts me through torture every night asking me about the specifics of my previous affair. All my friends tell me I was a fool to tel him the truth. But I wanted to be honest with my spouse. All I have done in this life was love and trust people.
I am already 27 years old and I'm worried if I delay my childbirth for 5 years it might be a bad idea. I also want to know what solution is there to this problem. How can I make my husband understand that I love him more than anythign else in this world and that I will do anythign for him? Will he ever become his old loving self again?
I am in extreme pain. As I said I contemplate suicide every night and I've almost attempted several times to do it. It is just the thought of my widowed mother that prevents me from doing it.
I need help. Somebody please advise me.